Day 71: Writing Is Hard (Or Is It?)

Okay, so - I've been having a lot of resistance to writing because I am quite self-aware that I am not changing in fact because I see/realize/understand it's because my current structure of writing is all over the place - not from the perspective of me judging my writings, but from a common-sense perspective that if I see that a point isn't working in my application, I must correct myself to the best of my ability, and so writing in a very looooooong manner doesn't in fact mean I am being specific in anyway, but who I am within and as the starting-point of writing myself out. I also fear that if I start writing out points more simplistically, that I will seen as lazy/undisciplined, which is quite fascinating because my writing from the get go wasn't in fact me actually disciplining myself to the best of my ability because I wasn't living my words - lol. So - I have placed myself in quite a mind-fuck, though I allow myself to get back to reality to in fact see/realize/understand that specificity doesn't in anyway mean or imply having long ass pages of words that I am not living in the first place - so, it's important for me to actually have a tangible structure to work on - to in fact change myself.

Psssshhh - I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders because I am now starting to realize that specificity doesn't in fact mean or imply that I must continuously write out some point that is only merely compounding/fueling/perpetuating by/through jumping from one point to another - not seeing/realizing/understanding what I am actually writing out in the first place because the self-corrective statements weren't tangible and I was too busy judging myself to actually realize what I am forgiving in the first place.

So, in essence I just put myself through a long ass time loop - lol - no worries - and so I allow myself to accept the point as it is to in fact move on, because the self-judgment I have put myself through in relation to writing is extensive and one of the most extensive points I have projected to myself - all because I had this idea/belief about what specificity in relation to writing in fact means. So - I accept in complete humbleness that if it takes me 1 time or a gazillion times to actually have a structure to in fact live here within and as this physical reality, then I accept the lovely challenge to get to know myself over and over, until I am in fact alive.

It's quite fascinating how one can have one idea/belief about something and allow it to continue for an immense amount of time because of this idea/belief, that it leaves the perfect door of opportunity that is writing to be and become a place of sabotage/abuse/compromise to not in fact live our words. Because, - I frankly, don't want to abuse/compromise/sabotage a door of opportunity just because I've placed this idea/belief that writing is somehow "bigger than myself" - not seeing/realizing/understanding that writing becomes "bigger than myself" when/as I am separated myself from who I am/could actually be and become - because I am too projecting all these stupid illusions to writing, and so writing becomes something very difficult in my mind - because I am in fact separate from the words that I am presenting in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear writing as always remaining "bigger than myself."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear writing because of the various unconscious values and definitions I have unconsciously mind-projected to/towards writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project writing as "bigger than myself" and within this I react within and as fear - instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that writing is here as I am here, and so it's irrelevant for me to place certain values and definitions because of Fear of Writing.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have placed and given certain values and definitions to/towards writing, because I haven't allowed myself to trust myself here as the words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to not face myself within and as writing instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that writing is simply writing, unless I am self-creating mind-projections that I have harbored to remain fearing who I am within and as writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self-create the idea/belief that writing is "bigger than myself" because the projections I have harbored to remain thinking, believing and perceiving that writing is needed/required to perfect specificity - instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that perfection is not outside myself, but the purification of/as words to actually walk my talk.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that writing within and as the starting-point of being "bigger than myself" isn't going to assist/support myself to purify my relationship to words, as I am escaping who I am within and as writing to walk my talk, for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create writing as this world "bigger than myself"- and within that allow writing to exist from the starting-point of being hard/difficult/impossible - instead of seeing/realizing/understanding how/why I am allowing myself to get suck in time-loops that only ever involved moving from one energy point to another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that writing is hard/difficult/impossible because I am trying/attaining/attempting to be and become "specific" - not seeing/realizing/understanding that I am reaching outward to purposely/deliberately remain assuming/perceiving that writing is and will always remain "bigger than myself."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purposely/deliberately place myself in time-loops to remain assuming/perceiving that specificity is something outside myself to be and become, and so I am merely moving from one polarity to specificity to not-specificity - either way placing myself in an inevitable time-loop to never in fact face who I am within and as writing - because I have allowed FEAR to consume me in every way possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that specificity implies and/or means writing out long ass statements that I am not even integrating - because I am too busy trying/attaining/attempting to be and become the idea/belief I have unconsciously mind-projected to/towards what specificity in fact means in the first place - not seeing/realizing/understanding that specificity within and as the starting-point of an illusional idea/belief will inevitably lead me to a time-loop that only ever involved more FEAR.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience FEAR to such an extent in relation to writing, that I never actually had made the choice/decision to place what is needed/required into alignment to assist/support myself - instead I've allowed myself to remain experiencing FEAR, because I wanted/desired to reach for a nonexistent specificity that only ever involved an idea/belief, at the end of the day.

When and as I see myself compromising/abusing/sabotaging the door of opportunity that is writing -- I stop and I breathe. I now see, realize and understand that writing is simply writing - unless it involves my own self-creation that involved illusionary mind-projections that never actually had allowed me to live my words as an expression of myself.

When and as I see myself experiencing FEAR because I experience writing "bigger than myself" -- I stop and I breathe - I now see, realize and understand that experiencing FEAR will only compound/fuel/power the FEAR I experience further to the point that I remain experiencing writing as an endless point that will never end - because I've allowed myself to throughout time accumulate energy, without any practical-application, I am of course going to have many points coming up to the surface, and so I commit myself to be and become patient within and as myself to in fact see/realize/understand that the FEAR I experience is not the end of the world, but simply showing/revealing how much FEAR I have accumulated throughout time about who I am in relation to writing.

I commit myself to investigate myself in how I experience writing in order to realize that writing isn't an of/as FEAR or even an experience in the first place, but an expression waiting to actually be lived here within and as this physical reality.

I commit myself to establish specificity by/through trusting myself within and as writing to no longer unconsciously accumulate FEAR in relation to something being and becoming "bigger than myself" - because everything is here, and so writing is here to actually enjoy myself - not accumulating FEAR, because I have unconsciously mind-projected tons of ideas/beliefs about what specificity in fact means in the first place.




To Definitely Be Continued...

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