fact because I see/realize/understand it's because my current structure of writing is all over the place - not from the perspective of me judging my writings, but from a common-sense perspective that if I see that a point isn't working in my application, I must correct myself to the best of my ability, and so writing in a very looooooong manner doesn't in fact mean I am being specific in anyway, but who I am within and as the starting-point of writing myself out. I also fear that if I start writing out points more simplistically, that I will seen as lazy/undisciplined, which is quite fascinating because my writing from the get go wasn't in fact me actually disciplining myself to the best of my ability because I wasn't living my words - lol. So - I have placed myself in quite a mind-fuck, though I allow myself to get back to reality to in fact see/realize/understand that specificity doesn't in anyway mean or imply having long ass pages of words that I am not living in the first place - so, it's important for me to actually have a tangible structure to work on - to in fact change myself.
Psssshhh - I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders because
I am now starting to realize that specificity doesn't in fact mean or
imply that I must continuously write out some point that is only merely
compounding/fueling/perpetuating by/through jumping from one point to
another - not seeing/realizing/understanding what I am actually writing
out in the first place because the self-corrective statements weren't
tangible and I was too busy judging myself to actually realize what I am
forgiving in the first place.
So, in essence I just put myself through a long ass time loop - lol - no
worries - and so I allow myself to accept the point as it is to in fact
move on, because the self-judgment I have put myself through in
relation to writing is extensive and one of the most extensive points I
have projected to myself - all because I had this idea/belief about what
specificity in relation to writing in fact means. So - I accept in
complete humbleness that if it takes me 1 time or a gazillion times to
actually have a structure to in fact live here within and as this
physical reality, then I accept the lovely challenge to get to know
myself over and over, until I am in fact alive.
It's quite fascinating how one can have one idea/belief about something
and allow it to continue for an immense amount of time because of this
idea/belief, that it leaves the perfect door of opportunity that is
writing to be and become a place of sabotage/abuse/compromise to not in
fact live our words. Because, - I frankly, don't want to
abuse/compromise/sabotage a door of opportunity just because I've placed
this idea/belief that writing is somehow "bigger than myself" - not
seeing/realizing/understanding that writing becomes "bigger than myself"
when/as I am separated myself from who I am/could actually be and
become - because I am too projecting all these stupid illusions to
writing, and so writing becomes something very difficult in my mind -
because I am in fact separate from the words that I am presenting in the
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear writing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear writing as always remaining "bigger than myself."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear writing
because of the various unconscious values and definitions I have
unconsciously mind-projected to/towards writing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project writing as
"bigger than myself" and within this I react within and as fear -
instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that writing is here as I am
here, and so it's irrelevant for me to place certain values and
definitions because of Fear of Writing.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to
see/realize/understand that I have placed and given certain values and
definitions to/towards writing, because I haven't allowed myself to
trust myself here as the words.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to not
face myself within and as writing instead of
seeing/realizing/understanding that writing is simply writing, unless I
am self-creating mind-projections that I have harbored to remain fearing
who I am within and as writing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self-create the idea/belief
that writing is "bigger than myself" because the projections I have
harbored to remain thinking,
believing and perceiving that writing is needed/required to perfect
specificity - instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that perfection
is not outside myself, but the purification of/as words to actually walk
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and
realize that writing within and as the starting-point of being "bigger
than myself" isn't going to assist/support myself to purify my
relationship to words, as I am escaping who I am within and as writing
to walk my talk, for real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create writing as
this world "bigger than myself"- and within that allow writing to exist
from the starting-point of being hard/difficult/impossible - instead of
seeing/realizing/understanding how/why I am allowing myself to get suck
in time-loops that only ever involved moving from one energy point to
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and
perceive that writing is hard/difficult/impossible because I am
trying/attaining/attempting to be and become "specific" - not
seeing/realizing/understanding that I am reaching outward to
purposely/deliberately remain assuming/perceiving that writing is and
will always remain "bigger than myself."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
purposely/deliberately place myself in time-loops to remain
assuming/perceiving that specificity is something outside myself to be
and become, and so I am merely moving from one polarity to specificity
to not-specificity - either way placing myself in an inevitable
time-loop to never in fact face who I am within and as writing - because
I have allowed FEAR to consume me in every way possible.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and
perceive that specificity implies and/or means writing out long ass
statements that I am not even integrating - because I am too busy
trying/attaining/attempting to be and become the idea/belief I have
unconsciously mind-projected to/towards what specificity in fact means
in the first place - not seeing/realizing/understanding that specificity
within and as the starting-point of an illusional idea/belief will
inevitably lead me to a time-loop that only ever involved more FEAR.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience FEAR to
such an extent in relation to writing, that I never actually had made
the choice/decision to place what is needed/required into alignment to
assist/support myself - instead I've allowed myself to remain
experiencing FEAR, because I wanted/desired to reach for a nonexistent
specificity that only ever involved an idea/belief, at the end of the
When and as I see myself compromising/abusing/sabotaging the door of opportunity that is writing -- I stop and I breathe.
I now see, realize and understand that writing is simply writing -
unless it involves my own self-creation that involved illusionary
mind-projections that never actually had allowed me to live my words as
an expression of myself.
When and as I see myself experiencing FEAR because I experience writing
"bigger than myself" -- I stop and I breathe - I now see, realize and
understand that experiencing FEAR will only compound/fuel/power the FEAR
I experience further to the point that I remain experiencing writing as
an endless point that will never end - because I've allowed myself to
throughout time accumulate energy, without any practical-application, I
am of course going to have many points coming up to the surface, and so I
commit myself to be and become patient within and as myself to in fact
see/realize/understand that the FEAR I experience is not the end of the
world, but simply showing/revealing how much FEAR I have accumulated
throughout time about who I am in relation to writing.
I commit myself to investigate myself in how I experience writing in
order to realize that writing isn't an of/as FEAR or even an
experience in the first place, but an expression waiting to actually be
lived here within and as this physical reality.
I commit myself to establish specificity by/through trusting myself
within and as writing to no longer unconsciously accumulate FEAR in
relation to something being and becoming "bigger than myself" - because
everything is here, and so writing is here to actually enjoy myself -
not accumulating FEAR, because I have unconsciously mind-projected tons
of ideas/beliefs about what specificity in fact means in the first
To Definitely Be Continued...