|Death found an author writing his life.. Designed & done on stone by E. Hull. Printed by C. Hullmandel. London, Dec. 1827. ihm.nlm.nih.gov/luna/servlet/detail/NLMNLM~1~1~101393235~... read 'Death's Ramble' - a poem by Thomas Hood that these images were drawn for or inspired by www.gutenberg.org/files/15652/15652-h/15652-h.htm#poem_99 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)|
Oh boy, now this image of me sitting on the computer, comparing myself to all the other Destonian's writings I find much resistance writing out, because I in actuality have self-created this point to be something I must be embarrassed about in relation to this particular point. I have never been much of a writer throughout my life, and so I have a lot of confusion about how I am 'suppose' to write. And I can definitely see how I must in essence stop creating all these mixed up perceptions about how I am suppose to write – because really, writing myself out from the starting-point of comparing myself to others writing because I don't know how to write or knew how to write from the get go is pure self-sabotage as self-judgment. Because yes, I have never gathered the tools to write myself out throughout my time in school – but, I am more then able to create my own language to no longer assume/perceive that I must constantly assess other people's writings to see if my structure is good/bad – so I allow myself to simply focus on who I am witihin and as writing to no longer play out unnecessary mind-fucks for myself. So – this definitely ties into why/how I am not living my words at the moment – because I am CONsuming myself by/through the starting-point to reach this place that is apparently acceptable within and as writing and so I have actually bought into the CONsumption to what words have become – knowledge and information to finally reach some solution that will lead to the satisfaction that is only in the end another character/personality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing because of the embarrassment I have self-created in relation to comparing myself to other Destonian's writings because I am quite certain that it was irrelevant in the first place, or that I would end up in a time-loop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base who I am within and as writing on comparison to how others are doing, thus never allowing myself to investigate the points that which I knew were bullshit in the first place - but would instead react in embarrassment about who I am within and as writing, but could instead IN-VEST-I-GATE that which I have projected so much resistance to not investigate in the first place.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide I am must compare myself to others in relation to writings before I have even understood the gift that is writing, and to thus then react in embarrassment about what I have become in relation to writing because of already believing that I am incompetent within and as writing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately/purposely place myself as incompetent within and as writing where I would end up continuously comparing myself to other Destonian's writings to give myself certain values and definitions, but to instead investigate the part that knew that it was all bullshit in the end and thus investigate who I am/could be to no longer react in embarrassment about who I am/have become to in fact LIVE what I am writing out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have secret mind-projections of how i want my writing to be presented as, and when those mind-projections of how I want myself to write meet my mind reality, I react in embarrassment that I should've listened to the voice that called it bullshit in the first place.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately/purposely place myself on this pedestal within and as writing - because I am assessing my writing to everyone's else's to see if mine is somehow good/bad, thus giving my power away as being the self-directive principle of my world/reality within and as writing, as I've allowed words to become my worst enemy without realizing that it is I the Creator of my world/reality that allowed myself to become my worst enemy to who I am within and as words to ensure that I remain the same, thus not seeing/realizing/understanding that it is until the I to in fact no longer squander the chance/opportunity that is writing, that I can in fact see the I's to no longer remain a characterization built up to purposely/deliberately break myself down to time-loop over and over, until I am eventually dead.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within using/abusing words, accept and allow the inevitable self-abuse, as I am in fact manipulating myself to continuously rely on someone else's words as a reference point, thus not seeing/realizing/understanding that it is I the Creator that can only in the end see who I am within and as my words to stand as my reference-point, within realizing that I am the words I speak - because the words I speak are one and equal as myself, thus giving myself the full self-responsibility that is living our words here in this one life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish who I am/could be within and as writings due to a constant comparison to my writings being acceptable in the I's of my mind which I believed would assist/support myself to finally write myself out, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the cross-referencing of other's writings somehow be the true answer to write myself out to give me the satisfaction that is my acceptance masked into/as how I am projecting my words in the moment to be good/bad, as I only was furthering myself to remain within and as separation in relation to words to continuously compromise/abuse/sabotage who I am/could be within writing, not realizing that the key to finally assisting/supporting myself was in fact mySELF to allow myself to truly LIVE.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to be the self-directive principle of my life, as I was only focusing on what I wasn't doing within and as writing and only placing myself in comparison in the end to assume/perceive that I am assisting/supporting myself - not seeing/realizing and understanding that it is the I's of myself that create characterization within and as me; to be/become a character to never see the I that could in fact see - as this is which is best for all - anything less than deliberately/purposely not seeing the I's of myself is crazy, as I am actually limiting/enslaving myself to give myself the acceptance that only existed on a mind-energy level.
I commit myself to never accept anything less than who I can actually truly LIVE by/through actually writing myself to freedom - thus I do not allow myself to compare my writings to other Destonian's because of the mind-projections I have self-created within and as my mind, but set myself free through ending the enslavement that I have allowed as my mind to in fact actually write, that which is real and tangible.
I commit myself to - when/as/if an image of me sitting on the computer, comparing myself to all the other Destonian's writings -- I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back HERE, as I now see, realize and understand that I was trying/attaining/attempting to give myself certain values and definitions within and as writing based on the mind-assessment I would gather from other Destonian's writings.