Saturday, October 20, 2012
Day 76: OMG, I'm a Cult Member!
So - I have been allowing one mental-breakdown, after another - because I am experiencing the family point as something that has taken the Life right out of me. Because I experiece myself as, 'having to deal with my family's reactions' (including myself) to the point that everything becomes quite extensive. Then when/as I will start accumulating self-discipline – more and more – I will face a continous amount of abuse coming from my family that I just experience myself as not being able to handle everything that is coming up.
Then when/as I will start accumulating self-discipline – more and more – I will face a continous amount of abuse coming from my family that I just experience myself as not being able to handle everything that is coming up. Then afterwards, when the abuse keeps coming up, I experience myself as, 'just wanting to die.' So, I have been having quite a lot of complete despair accumulate since I have decided to walk this process. I have been facing quite a lot of points from my family (My Mom in particular) to the point that I think/believe that there is absolutely nothing I can do this point for everything to be easier for myself. And when people ask me questions about why I am not assisting/supporting myself regardless of facing these points – I react in anger/frustration/annoyance because I think, “Well, you have no idea what you're talking about because you don't have to face your family 24/7.”
Now – this proves how I am actually holding the family point as a scapegoat to not simply walk what must be walked – because this family point is becoming quite extensive to the point that I experience myself as having to deal with my family's reactions.
This point has opened up soon after I had joined the Desteni Forum – to decide to shave my hair off. Who knew that being a baldie could be such a HUGE deal? I actually find this point quite annoying (LOL) because I continously have to face this action as a consequence due to those in my outer-reality. Mostly – I react in annoyance because I am completely fine with the point and I see it as something I simply had done – thus I shouldn't have to pay for an action that means little to myself.
You can read a bit about what happen in relation to this point here: http://forum.desteni.org/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=568
Waaaaaaaaaaay back in July of 2011!
Anywho – I have realized that this point of cutting my hair off had became quite a big deal to those in my outer-reality – soon after my Mom kicked me out of the house. So, it probably wasn't the best thing to do, because my family is quite religious – also let me be clear that this action had nothing to do with rebelling against my religious family – but, I was so excited for everyone to realize what I hav realized. So – this little action led my family having one impression of Desteni – and that was me being a baldie – lol.
During this time I was trying to get the Desteni Sponsorship that had certain guidelines – but the whole being a badie thing didn't make it very easy – lol. So – this wasn't exactly what has developed the despair within and as myself – but continously lie to others to make them feel better.
I remember one time I actually wanted my Mom to send me to a mental-hospital because they thought I was going insane – but I actually wanted to go because I absolutely hated living with them.
So – it's fascinating how I have assumed that I must compromise/abuse/sabotage myself in the process when/as all these family points keep coming up – because at the end of the day it's nothing personal to myself – but the person that seeing something within and as themselves that they don't want to see in me. As for myself – I was too busy making excuses/justifications that I am a victim and have absolutely no power to face my family and remain completely stable.
Soooooo – I will continue writing this point out. And focus on my writing character blogs later because this is quite an extensive point for myself.