Saturday, October 20, 2012

Day 76: OMG, I'm a Cult Member!

So - I have been allowing one mental-breakdown, after another - because I am experiencing the family point as something that has taken the Life right out of me. Because I experiece myself as, 'having to deal with my family's reactions' (including myself) to the point that everything becomes quite extensive. Then when/as I will start accumulating self-discipline – more and more – I will face a continous amount of abuse coming from my family that I just experience myself as not being able to handle everything that is coming up.

Then when/as I will start accumulating self-discipline – more and more – I will face a continous amount of abuse coming from my family that I just experience myself as not being able to handle everything that is coming up. Then afterwards, when the abuse keeps coming up, I experience myself as, 'just wanting to die.' So, I have been having quite a lot of complete despair accumulate since I have decided to walk this process. I have been facing quite a lot of points from my family (My Mom in particular) to the point that I think/believe that there is absolutely nothing I can do this point for everything to be easier for myself. And when people ask me questions about why I am not assisting/supporting myself regardless of facing these points – I react in anger/frustration/annoyance because I think, “Well, you have no idea what you're talking about because you don't have to face your family 24/7.”

Now – this proves how I am actually holding the family point as a scapegoat to not simply walk what must be walked – because this family point is becoming quite extensive to the point that I experience myself as having to deal with my family's reactions.

This point has opened up soon after I had joined the Desteni Forum – to decide to shave my hair off. Who knew that being a baldie could be such a HUGE deal? I actually find this point quite annoying (LOL) because I continously have to face this action as a consequence due to those in my outer-reality. Mostly – I react in annoyance because I am completely fine with the point and I see it as something I simply had done – thus I shouldn't have to pay for an action that means little to myself.

You can read a bit about what happen in relation to this point here:

Waaaaaaaaaaay back in July of 2011!

Anywho – I have realized that this point of cutting my hair off had became quite a big deal to those in my outer-reality – soon after my Mom kicked me out of the house. So, it probably wasn't the best thing to do, because my family is quite religious – also let me be clear that this action had nothing to do with rebelling against my religious family – but, I was so excited for everyone to realize what I hav realized. So – this little action led my family having one impression of Desteni – and that was me being a baldie – lol.

During this time I was trying to get the Desteni Sponsorship that had certain guidelines – but the whole being a badie thing didn't make it very easy – lol. So – this wasn't exactly what has developed the despair within and as myself – but continously lie to others to make them feel better.

I remember one time I actually wanted my Mom to send me to a mental-hospital because they thought I was going insane – but I actually wanted to go because I absolutely hated living with them.

So – it's fascinating how I have assumed that I must compromise/abuse/sabotage myself in the process when/as all these family points keep coming up – because at the end of the day it's nothing personal to myself – but the person that seeing something within and as themselves that they don't want to see in me. As for myself – I was too busy making excuses/justifications that I am a victim and have absolutely no power to face my family and remain completely stable.

Soooooo – I will continue writing this point out. And focus on my writing character blogs later because this is quite an extensive point for myself.
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  1. Thanks for sharing your family point. I see for myself that the less I push them to see as I do (validation point), the more open they are to hear my perspective. Family is an important point to work with. You've inspired me to continue writing this out, because it's clear that I'm not clear in relation to each of them. Process is fun when it's not so rough, haha :)

  2. I agree with Dan. Family and friends will generally experience resistance to Desteni and the changes they see you going through. We manifest relationships with other people to validate our own minds - and thus, as long as everything stays the same, their mind is 'safe' and validated and okay - whereas, if you suddenly start changing - it 'threatens' this sense of safety and validation - because in changing, you are no longer feeding the relationship, which in turn feeds their mind. And thus, they are facing their own fear of change/changing.

    So, when walking your process in the presence of family members/friends - as you've realised: it's not about them - it's about you. And generally talking to them directly about process/what you've realised will cause resistance in them as it will be 'too confrontational' to consider changing. So, I suggest rather focusing on yourself through your writing, self-forgiveness and self-correction - and as you start changing, they will notice this change in you - where you will then become a living example to them - where it then creates an opportunity for them to take the step to come to you and ask: 'I've seen you change in this and this way - how did you do that?' - where it is now their initiative - rather than something being presented to them, which can be experienced as an 'imposition'. Or maybe they will run away scared - but then that is their decision in relation to their own process.

    Parents are specifically challenging to be around when walking our process - because we have literally become them - and so, who we have become is constantly 'in our face' as it is being mirrored by our parents. So - I suggest working with family members in that way - where whenever you react to something they do/say or don't do/say - that you take the point back to self in asking: how is he/she being a mirror of myself? To then take the point through to self-forgiveness and self-correction - you'll be quite astonished at the extent to which we've become our parents and how much faster our process moves if we take responsibility for the reactions we have to them in realising that they are mirroring who WE are.