Friday, August 31, 2012

Day 41: What Does it Mean to Trust Yourself?

This is a continuation to Day 40: I'm Too Scared to See Myself

USF Sustainability and Social Justice Symposiu...
USF Sustainability and Social Justice Symposium (USF_sustainability_06) (Photo credit: shawncalhoun)

My relationSHIT to/towards Trust was what I thought/believed made/must of made myself be/become something/someone outside myself, I mean, throughout my life I had never correlated trust within and as self-trust because I always assumed/perceived that I needed/required someone/something outside myself to be/become trustworthy - only I had never understood that wanting/desiring someone/something outside myself to rely on to be/become trustworthy was an aspect/part of myself that I never actually embraced within and as myself. Trust can never/will never be able to exist if I'm continuously screwing myself/others in the process to not get the nitty gritty, that I'm in essence trying/attaining/attempting ti place/project trust onto someone/something outside myself because even as a child that was what I considered/taken into consideration what trust suppose to be - therefore - Trust has always involved myself NOT relying on who I am/have always been in a moment to simply express myself to in-fact in actuality understand that I do not need/require anyone/anything to give me some sort of comfort that I am not alone because I am afraid to actually trust myself in the moment. Looking at my Life when/as I assumed/perceived I was being (apparently) trusting to myself it was only from an energetic starting-point outside myself that made me (apparently) experience myself a certain way to the point that I actually thought/believed that this is me trusting myself - therefore - Trust has always been myself assuming/perceiving that I need/require someone/something outside myself to in essence just be in the moment to express/share myself and have no judgments and/or take anything personal, I mean, trusting ourselves is what allows ourselves to speak up in the moment or to even take that ONE breath in every ONE moment, and so its trust that allows ourselves to understand that trust is a key ingredient of being the self-directive principle of our lives to actually make the one choice/decision to walk this process of walking out of our minds and into and as this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and participate in TRUST to such an extent because I assumed/perceived that TRUST was in essence Self-TRust, and so I never considered/taken into consideration that TRUST is how/why I've allowed myself to separate myself from myself to not in-fact be/become the self-directive principle of my Life because I assumed/perceived that I needed/required someone/something outside myself to make a choice/decision to stand here absolutely - within this I didn't see, realize or understand that TRUST is a self-deception if it doesn't involve self-trust as making the choice/decision to what is best for all or simply being self-dishonest in the moment - therefore - there can never/will never be able to be something/someone that allows me to TRUST myself to be/become the self-directive principle of my Life because it wasn't me in the end that made the choice/decision to stand in the moment as Self-Trust because I placed/projected TRUST onto someone/something outside myself to not in-fact stand here absolutely not needing/requiring anyone/anything to tell me what to do in a moment, and so I allow myself to simply TRUST myself into and as the moment as Self-Trust - I now see, realize and understand that I'm deliberately/purposely living my life based on TRUST to ensure that I don't have to face the fact that I was never trusting anyone/anything in the first place because it was the starting-point of energy to ensure that I don't realize for myself that I have never actually in-fact trusted myself or myself as another - within this I now see, realize and understand that Trust can only exist unless it involves the group of Life to self-trust ourselves as All as one as Equal to what always is considering/taking into consideration Equality & Oneness.

Dr. Elizabeth V. Upham
Dr. Elizabeth V. Upham (Photo credit: Lucius Beebe Memorial Library)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that I need/require to TRUST someone/something outside myself because I was in actuality purposely/deliberately trying/attaining/attempting to TRUST someone/something outside myself to RUST myself from the inside and out to never consider/take into consideration that the trust I've always thought/believed was real was in actuality I lie to NOT be gentle within and as myself to ensure that I allow myself to take my stance within and as myself that all I require is my own Self-Trust to realize that all it takes is a choice/decision that is Best for All Life - to finally slowly but surely take self-responsibility that TRUST has only been the perfect scapegoat for ourselves to continue assuming/perceiving that TRUST implies rusting ourselves from the inside and out to not understand that TRUST is accumulated slowly but surely - therefore - I allowed myself to wait/waste/postpone another breath/chance/opportunity that could've been spent assisting/supporting myself to in-fact be here as breath to ensure that I accumulate Self-Trust to NOT abdicate my self-responsibility to be/become a Self-Willed Equal to NOT be/become a mere organic robot always searching/finding/seeking the next situation/person to place/project the trust we actually want/desire for ourselves or the trust we believe we deserve - I now see, realize and understand that continuing living my Li (f) e waiting/waiting/postponing my Life/Process is pointless/meaningless because I wasn't doing myself any service to myself or Life but to DIS-SERVE Life to never in-fact STOP the self-sabotage cycles that only involved rusting ourselves from the inside and out to ensure that TRUST always involved lying to ourselves to never simply TRUST ourselves in the moment to be/become the Service to Life to understand that the trust we think we deserve or the trust we want/desire for ourselves only involved TRUST that will condemn the Ser - VICE to Life to in-fact STOP the madness of our minds to understand that TRUST always considers/takes into consideration LIFE - NOT a program that was only FEAR to remain enslaved/limited to just another CharACTer or situation/person that never gave  us any Trust in the first place because it in essence has absolutely nothing to due with Trust, and so Life wasn't taken into consideration in any shape/form.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that TRUST only involved the starting-point trying/attaining/attempting to find/search/seek for the TRUST we thought we de-SERVED or the trust we in essence wanted/desired - to never see, realize or understand that TRUST has become the perfect justification/excuse to never take self-responsibility to ensure that everything is fine and dandy because the TRUST we actually have in the first place is apparently acceptable/a natural part of life to always remain in a tight mind-bubble to never in-fact understand that we have done everything possible to maintain the madness in ourselves to deliberately/purposely to never understand that TRUST has become the perfect ingredient to maintain our CharACTers to never bring about any change to this world/reality because TRUST was never from the starting-point of being/becoming the self-directive principle of our lives - to in-fact realize that everyone can have an opportunity to realize that TRUST as true Equality & Oneness that has always been a part of Life.

To Be Continued…


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Thursday, August 30, 2012

Day 40: I'm Too Scared to See Myself

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that there is absolutely NOTHING I can do or become because everything has been here/always been here, and so what I was actually in-fact doing was trying/attaining/attempting to NOT see myself, I mean - even doing everything in my delusional power to attempt/try/attain to be/become something means that I saw myself all the time, only I didn't like what I was seeing into and as self-honesty and so I suppressed/hid from myself to be/become more than/superior/important/enlightened/special - to never see, realize and understand that I was so afraid of myself to such an extent that I did everything in my delusional power to NOT see into and as myself: Self-Intimacy - therefore - Self-Intimacy was something I never wanted to realize for myself because I actually assumed/perceived that its easier to be/become a slave/charACTer because I've never considered/taken into consideration that if I choose/make the decision to not in-fact see myself into and as Self-intimacy it would be/become harder/difficult for myself because I allowed myself to veil/DIS-COVER myself within and as my mind -tactics so deliberately/purposely that it becomes very easier for myself to make justifications/excuses to never understand that I was separating myself more and more from Self-realization as actually understanding what Self-intimacy in practical-application means to be/become a Self-Willed Equal that doesn't continuously deliberately/purposely enslave/limit oneself because I now see, realize and understand that if I actually in-fact only see myself as a slave/charACTer, I would be another human-being that didn't take the chance/opportunity to actually live in this world/reality completely afraid of ourselves for eternity - I now understand that/becoming a CharACTer isn't all I'm able to be within and as this Life because I allow myself to in-fact consider/take into consideration those that cannot even see themselves at all because they don't have the resources to even consider/take into consideration seeing themselves - to actually walk this process of walking out of our minds and into reality as Self-Willed Equals.

When and as I see myself trying/attaining/attempting to see into and as myself as Self-Intimacy, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that if I am not going to consider/take into consideration seeing into and as myself I'm deliberately enslaving/limiting those who never had the chance/opportunity to in-fact even walk this process of walking out of our mind and into this physical reality - I commit myself to - use common-sense because everything chance/opportunity I miss in a moment its no longer for just myself but for any chance anyone else could walk this process to actually be/become Life by/through walking in this outer-reality to integrate myself in this physical reality to educate myself for there to be any chances for this system to be Equal, and so if everyone did this as myself there would be no chance/opportunity for this world-reality to be/become dignified for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately/purposely enslave/limit myself because that is all I have seen myself as throughout my Life, and so I never had actually considered/take into consideration that I was never seeing myself at all because if I actually did I would of actually stopped participating and experiencing myself as a mere slave/charACTer - within this I actually was quite content my life because a life filled with absolutely no questions to who I am/who have I been within and as thoughts has never been something in my mind because I was always constantly and continuously trying/attaining/attempting to be something more than/superior/important/enlightened/special, and so I would look for knowledge/information outside myself to make myself more than/superior/important/enlightened/special to remain deliberately/purposely enslaving/limiting myself because its all I actually wanted/desired to see within and as myself - in this I didn't in essence want to see that reason why/how I was doing everything in my delusional power to not see myself because I knew within and as myself that I was always and have always been here in this moment, and so when/as I was going something to try/attempt/attain to make myself seem more than/superior/special/important/enlightened I knew all along what I was doing because when someone is always here in every moment doing everything in their power to suppress/hide who they are/have been throughout their Life there is absolutely nothing that can be hidden because everything has always been here - I now see, realize and understand there is nothing for myself to be/become because I was in essence hiding from myself to always maintain this idea/belief/perception/assumption that I was actually be/becoming a better person, wherein - I was only trying/attaining/attempting to be/become something more than/superior/important/enlightened/special that always involved an endless cycle of self-sabotage because when I was (apparently) being/becoming something freaking great I would have to face the polarity and in the end it turned not in my expectations, and so even if I did get something I wanted/desired to make me (apparently) more than/superior/important/enlightened/special it would never be good enough in the end, and so the game of competition/survival becomes a part of myself to such an extent that I do everything in my power to never see myself.

When and as I see myself doing everything in my delusional power to suppress/hide who I am/have been throughout my life and that includes who I am/have been through my life within and as thoughts/feelings/emotions/backchat, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that absolutely nothing can cover up/hide/suppress who I've been/have been throughout my Life because I have/everyone as humanity have been quite aware/always been aware of what were in essence doing to ourselves and this world/reality, and so there is no excuse/justification but to be humble/gentle with ourselves to in essence actually in-fact understand that taking everything personally/judging ourselves for how we have been trying/attaining/attempting to be someone/something that is ( apparently) more than/superior/important/enlightened/special MUST can unconditionally forgiven and taking everything personally/judging ourselves will only allow the abusive cycles to transpire - in this I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I commit myself to - STOP, to in-fact realize that doing everything my power to remain something is completely possible because it was always from the starting-point to be/become a system/program/CharACTer that didn't  in essence consider/take into consideration that the only thing that can remain in all way is what is best for All Life.


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Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Day 39: I Am A Slave to Myself

Scars of a whipped slave (April 2, 1863, Baton...
This is a continuation to

Day 38: I Cannot Trust Myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume/perceive that I will forevermore remain a slave to thoughts - within this I didn't understand that I was a slave to myself because perceiving/assuming that I am a slave to thoughts would mean I'm separating myself within and as my thoughts because I am the one that allowed myself to participate in thinking to the extent that I didn't understand that I've become less than/inferior to my own thoughts because I assumed/perceived that my thoughts have power over me, and so my thought can only have power over me if I think/believe their (apparently) making me remain a slave - when/as I'm perceiving/assuming that I will forevermore remains thoughts, I'm in essence not realizing that I'm obviously going to remain a slave to my thoughts if I'm not going to take the practical steps to in essence walk myself out of my mind and into and as this physical reality - to in-fact see, realize and understand how/why someone can remain a slave to something/someone outside themselves just because of the fact of NOT taking out power back to ourselves that if we assume/perceive that its impossible to NOT remain a slave to thoughts, then I'm obviously going to permeate this within and as my physical reality to ensure I face myself - in this I will be able to educate myself about how/why I allow myself to self-create backdoors for myself because I've given up on myself before I've even started to effectively understand when/as I'm bullshitting myself to forevermore remain a slave - I now see, realize and understand that thoughts do NOT have to be a confirmation of my enslavement and/or I will forevermore remain a slave to thoughts because thoughts are in essence cool indications when/as I'm screwing with myself or not - when/as I'm (apparently) being/becoming a slave by/through participating in thoughts, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here. I now see, realize and understand that I have always been a slave, and so its pointless/meaningless for myself to self-judge myself to ensure that I remain a slave to my thoughts, and so I allow myself to understand that I have the power to actually in-fact STOP myself from participating and experiencing myself as a mere slave to my thoughts - I commit myself to be humble when/as I see myself compromising myself in the moment by/through thinking/believing I will forevermore remain a slave to thoughts, and so I allow myself to in-fact STOP myself in the moment when/as I'm thinking/believing I will forevermore remain a slave to thoughts because I allow myself to NOT remain another slave that didn't in-fact take the practical tools to walk out of our minds and into this physical reality to not longer remain whining/complaining about what were participating by/through to actually STOP it.

When and as I see myself assuming/perceiving I will forevermore remain a slave to my thoughts, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that if we continuously remain enslaving/limiting our lives from the starting-point that we'll forevermore remain a slave, that is what my outer-inner reality is going to permeate for myself to actually change myself to in-fact STOP the thoughts within and as me to understand that I have the power to STOP the thoughts because I allowed them to exist within and as me in the first-place - in this we always have the choice/decision to STOP our thoughts because we always had the choice/decision to be/become a mere slave/charACTER to out thoughts - therefore - I commit myself to stand up within and as myself to take a moment to be/become self-aware of my breathing because I allow myself to not forevermore remain a slave, I allow myself to in-fact change myself to Re-Birth myself here in this Life.

Slavery
Slavery (Photo credit: quadelirus)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that the thoughts I participate in will make me a slave, forevermore - in this I decide/make the decision if I'm wiling myself to simply forgive myself in the moment to NOT screw with myself or I can make the choice/decision to forevermore remain a slave by/through NOT taking the stance within and as myself to in actuality take self-responsibility for what I've allowed to STOP, breathe and bring myself back here - therefore - ONE thought will only make me a slave if I allow myself to continuously NOT stop the thoughts within and as the moment by/through making the decision/choice to STOP in a moment - within this thoughts are cool to realize when/as I'm allowing myself to self-create backdoors for myself, I mean, obviously if someone has thoughts coming your still allowing back doors but allowing myself to STOP the thoughts over a period of time allows me to be/become here as breath as self-expression over a period of time - in this I now take my power back to myself to in-fact understand that if I'm not stopping my thoughts to the best of my ability I am will then remain a slave to my thoughts to in-fact actually know that everything is a cool opportunity to no longer remain controlled by my mind, and so I allow myself to understand that I will always remain a slave if All isn't here in this world/reality self-aware of what is here because nobody can be free within and as individuality to actually create Life.

When and as I see myself continuously in complete petrification of my own FEAR to the extent that I assume/perceive I will forevermore remain a slave, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that I have the power to actually not screw within and as myself no longer to essence understand that NOT remaining a slave to my thoughts starts with self-direction and consistent application of my part - I commit myself to STOP self-judging before I actually started to really take the stance to see, realize and understand that thoughts are a cool tool for myself to know when/as I'm screwing with myself if I'm leaving back doors, because thoughts allow me to see mirrors of myself to really in-fact see what I'm participating in, and so I'll have a clearer understanding of what to stop to no longer remain an actual human being.
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Monday, August 27, 2012

Day 38: I Cannot Trust Myself

This is a continuation to Day 37: You Won't Be Alive Forever
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and participate in THINKING to such an extent that I have separated myself from what it means to actually be here in this physical reality because I assumed/perceived that I might as well drown myself within and as my thoughts for I have allowed myself to have entirely no actual trust in myself to in-fact change - within this I didn't allow myself to understand that I will never be able to trust myself if I'm continuously drowning myself within and as thoughts to assume/perceive that everything is pointless/meaningless, and so I might as well completely forget about trusting myself breath by breath - moment by moment - therefore - I would deliberately/purposely participate and experience myself as someone that has entirely given up oneself/life because I was too busy having a pity party to ever in-fact consider/take into consideration that I cannot ever trust myself if I'm willing myself to completely eradicate my self-responsibility to actually trust myself, I mean, its quite bizarre I'm participating in self-pity within and as growing myself into and as thoughts because I apparently cannot change - change is accumulated breath by breath, step by step, and so myself thinking/believing that trust is magically going to be/become an expression of myself is ludicrous because I now understand that trust must be walked over a period of time to in-fact change myself - therefore - if I'm willing myself to put so much attention to myself not trusting myself, I am in essence not going to trust myself because I have self-created the idea/belief/assumption/perception that trust is something I can attain/find/seek/reach for, wherein - in-fact I was only perpetuating/compounding/powering/fueling my self-interest to play the pity card because I am apparently a victim to trust - I am a victim to myself - I mean, abusing myself simply because I won't will myself to accumulate self-trust is pretty stupid - therefore - I now see, realize and understand that I'm deliberately/purposely participating in thoughts because I've allowed myself to self-manipulate myself within and as the idea/belief/assumption/perception that I apparently cannot change because I think/believe that only certain people can accumulate self-trust, and self-trust can apparently only be realized within and as self by/through something/someone - in this my entire starting-point on trust was never simply moving myself in the moment to in-fact realize that all it takes at the end of the day is a commitment to breath in every moment, and if I miss a breath no self-judgment needed because I allow myself to humble myself to not continuously play the pity card for I have assumed/perceived that I might as feel drown myself in thoughts because I've self-created the idea/belief/assumption/perception that I cannot change myself - I now see, realize and understand that if I self-create the expectation for myself to inevitably fall or any expectation at all that's what I've limited/enslaved myself to be/become, equal and one, and so this starting-point will perpetuate/compound/power/fuel itself sooner or later until I really actually realize that change is here in every moment as breath - therefore - I do NOT accept or allow myself to continue growing myself within and as thoughts from the starting-point that I apparently cannot change - When and as I see myself trying/attaining/attempting to drown myself in thoughts, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that these thoughts have been my perfect scapegoat to not in-fact understand how/why I've allowed myself to self-create backdoors for myself to in actuality trust myself - I commit myself to STOP to be/become self-aware of my breathing by/through apply the 4-count breath for myself to no longer screw with myself that I must punish myself to get out of actually changing myself for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that only certain people/situations can allow me to actually in-fact trust myself - therefore - I limited/enslaved myself to NOT actually investigate that I was self-creating criteria for how someone suppose to (apparently) attain trust - in this I did not consider/take into consideration that trust cannot be attain because that would mean more separation for myself to not understand that trust is here in every moment of every breath, if I so dare myself to realize this actualization to in-fact bring about change within and as myself - to understand that its not about anyone or anything, and so nothing can give me confirmation or validation that I'm changing, I change myself here within and as this moment, slowly but surely - I allow myself to in-fact trust myself as All as One as Equal - I now see, realize and understand that trying/attaining/attempting to be/become trust from an outside source is ludicrous because I understand that I'm able to assist/support myself, slowly but surely, to in-fact self-trust myself fro real within and as writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application, breathing and actually living my words to actually change for real - When and as I see myself limiting/enslaving myself by/through thinking/believing that only certain people/situations can allow me to trust myself, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that there is no criteria within and as committing myself to Life to in-fact trust myself to simply be/become aware of my breathing - I commit myself to really in-fact trust myself because I now understand there is nothing special/superior/important that I need/require because my process is here within and as this moment, and so I allow myself to let the bullshit stop by/through in-fact committing myself to this process of walking out of my mind and into this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate and experience myself as someone that is limited/enslaved to/towards self-pity because I'm apparently hopeless/uselessness - I assume/perceive that I'm inferior to change, and that I don't have what it takes to change myself to in-fact self-trust myself - in this I have diminished myself to ever take my power back to myself to in essence actually take the practical-application required for myself to really commit myself to this process - therefore - I have been merely screwing with myself the entire time because I've been too busy drowning myself within and as thoughts because I have compromised myself in every possible way to in actuality no longer continue playing the self-sabotage game to always pity myself - I allowed myself to diminish myself purposely/deliberately because I'm absolutely fearful of coming out of my cocoon of self-diminishment to in-fact wake up from this time-loops of never being the change - I now see, realize and understand there is nothing to fear because I am here, and so self-judgment has merely been my mind-game to remain inferior to change because its all I ever know, I have become comfortable to enslavement/limitation and is another confirmation how much we've diminished ourselves to in actuality get off our asses to walk this process of walking out of the mind and into this physical reality - therefore - When and as I see myself limiting/enslaving myself to walk this process within and as self-pity, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand I was only manipulating others and ultimately myself to ever consider/take into consideration that THINKING is how I've allowed myself to judge myself in every possible way to the extent that I do absolutely nothing to move myself within and as this physical reality - I commit myself to trust myself for the first time in my life by/through actually walking myself out of my mind and into this physical because its only until then do I understand that trust comes by consistent application, and so I have only been playing the pity card to do do everything in my delusional power to not trust myself to simply be here.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I'm not a victim to trust, I am only a victim to myself because I'm the one that made the choice/decision to drown myself within and as thoughts - in this I didn't consider/take into consideration that its me at the end of the day that decides who I am/could be because I am the Creators that Created my reality, and so its my self-responsibility to be/become the self-directive principle of my Life - therefore - I allow myself to realize that i'm merely trying/attaining/attempting to place/project blame onto something outside myself because I am not willing to accept self-responsibility that I'm a victim to myself, from the perspective I will deliberately/purposely use/abuse myself to maintain my limitation/enslavement, I mean, obviously if I actually allowed myself to walk this process of Equality & Oneness I wouldn't be a victim to trust because trust would naturally be/become apart of myself as an expression of who I am/could be - therefore - I now see, realize and understand that everything within and as my inner-reality I have the power to take the stance within and as myself to in-fact change by/through humbling myself slowly but surely to in actuality trust myself, and so trust obviously cannot be found somewhere because trust is here in every moment of every breath waiting to be/become realization to actual self-change.

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