Day 1: Grrrrr, my life just isn't working out the way I want/desire it too!

Anger in relation my process being compromised.

Grrrrr, my life just isn't working out the way I want/desire it too! The point of reacting in anger/blame of my process being compromised is stemmed from myself wanting/needing and desiring to have control of my life within my mind because of ideas that I have created of how I want/desire my life to be and become. Obviously, if there is going to be this crazy idea in my head and this idea is going to somehow magically allow me to have control in my life I'm going to fuck up my life. The point of reacting in anger is my mind basically whining, "No, No, This is not how my life is suppose to be like. It MUST be like this," therefore, I will do everything in my delusional power to continue trying to match up to this idea in my head of where my life suppose to be. So when anything in my world and reality starts not matching my idea of the pretty pictures in my head, I will react in anger/blame because I don't want to see that this pictures are actually flag-points for myself to see that I'm completely living an idea, just because this ONE point of trying to attempt to find some control in my mind, NOT my life; it was ALWAYS a point of trying to gain some sort of control on my mind to make everything easy for myself and I don't have to change myself and create my own control. So what happens when something isn't going my way to the idea that I formed in my head - I immediately react in anger/blame, thinking about why my life isn't working out and then I'll even blame my Mom for why/how my process/life isn't matching up to the idea that I've created in my head - I blame my Mom to cover up how I'm the one that is actually responsible for my life/process not working out, because I'm too busy having internal-external conflicts within my world and reality to not actually come up with a solution.

I'm completely fucking myself within this point to NOT trust my own control that I can develop in my life without ANY ideas but developing self-discipline within myself to see and realize that I'm perfectly capable of controlling my life. Funny, how I've literally always thought that I could never have control of my life and only special people with money could ever be able to have control in anyway, whatsoever - lol. So, I've created the idea that money equalizes control for one to be able to have control of one's life/process to NOT be compromised - this point is true because without money there would be no protection and security for one to survive in this world but this entire point is an idea that if I still did have money I would even then have ideas in my head of how to control my life/process about how to use the money in my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that I can ONLY have control of my life/process within an idea of perfection that I created in my mind, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding the point that if I'm limiting myself that I can ONLY have control of my life/process within my mind then that's exactly what my world and reality is going to match up to be and become. I realize that I will NEVER be able to have ANY control of my life if its going to be revolved around my participation in my mind AND an idea about how my life/process must be, and if my life isn't matching up to the idea in my head I think/believe I'm a complete loser and will do anything to maintain this idea of how my life/process is suppose to be like. I do not accept and allow myself to continue listening and feeding the point that I can ONLY have control of my life/process within an idea that ALWAYS revolved around my mind being the dictator of myself and a separate entity that completely has control of my process/life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that if I a match up to the idea in my mind then everything in my world and reality will be completely easy to live - instead of seeing and realizing that nothing can be easy unless its actually lived within consistency that involves what is best for all, therefore, the mind is completely incapable of consistency that doesn't involve breathing and living to LIVE self-discipline to finally LIVE the point of control. I realize that all what there is to do is to breathe, and even when my life/process becomes hard/difficult I'll continue walking, because if I come to the point where I transcend the point of breathing being too hard, it will step by step be something that flows within myself that will slowly but surely flourish to LIVE - self-control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that I am only, "capable," or, "good enough,' of having control in my process/life ONLY if I have an idea as a bench-mark because I actually don't trust my own direction to assist and support myself to make daily-choices that will allow me to become stable within the point of control. I now see and realize that LIVING a bench-mark as a reference point is only me creating a religion of self because I have no idea of no longer living the idea of control. I do not accept and allow myself to continue listening to outside forces like bench marks of my own freaking backchat that says that I have to listen to the ideas of someone or something outside me because I think/believe that I'm not, "capable," or, "good enough," and therefore will never be, "capable," or, "good enough," because I don't have what it takes like the bench marks that I follow for self-direction because I'm scared shitless of actually re-birthing control within myself that doesn't involve an idea.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that only able to be, "capable," or, "good enough," if I follow some sort of bench mark or guideline because I've been always following some sort of criteria or rule to gain control in my life/process. I now see and realize the dishonesty in accepting and allowing myself to believe that I MUST follow a guideline or a bench mark because I think and believe that I simply don't have what it takes to give direction to my life WITHOUT any guideline or bench mark to follow and give me guidance within only a separate point of direction to LIVE. I realize that I am NOT defined by a guideline or bench mark but I am always capable of becoming stable within control because I'm ALWAYS here, no matter what separation I bring to myself I will ALWAYS be here. I do not accept and allow myself to follow or believe in the guidelines or benchmarks within an idea that I MUST follow them and if I don't then I'm simply screwed - instead I realize that I am HERE and fully capable of directing myself without any point of manuals but to see I can become my own manual of self-direction to gain control in my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist taking control of my life to stabilize control in life I then react and whine within the backchat, "No, No, This is not how my life is suppose to be like. It MUST be like this," within this I completely separate myself from this ONE point of being scared shitless to actually LIVE control in my world and reality - not seeing to realizing that I do not have to accept to allow myself to think/believe that I'm simply, "Not capable," or, "Not good enough," because I am here, therefore, there is nothing to be and become capable or good enough for because I am here, therefore, everything I need is here to stabilize myself within control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger/blame when I think/believe that my process/life is being compromised because its NOT matching up to the idea that I created in my mind and therefore will react further within the backchat, "No, No, This is not how my life is suppose to be like. It MUST be like this," therefore, I allowed myself to actually compromise my process/life further within reacting to the entirety of my process/life because I'm creating ideas about how my life suppose to be like and I thus think/believe I am/must be a complete failure/loser if my life isn't working out like everyone else seems too - I am the one making myself and my world and reality fall into a point of compromise because I'm defining myself and my life/process by this idea that if my life/process isn't matching up this idea then I'm a complete failure/loser to myself and my world and reality. I realize that this reaction stems from myself not having control of my world and reality, because my world and reality apparently is matching up to the pretty pictures that I've imagined my life/process to look like. I do not accept to allow myself to continue going into backchat of, ""No, No, This is not how my life is suppose to be like. It MUST be like this," - but instead I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I see myself looking at an idea in my mind as a cross-referencing point and then if my life/process isn't matching up to the idea in my head I will stop, breathe and bring myself back here, because I see and realize that reacting in anger of not having control of my life and reacting in anger to/towards my Mother will not in anyway create a solution for what is best for ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the point, 'Anger in relation to my process/life being compromised,' to the point of not having control of my world and reality, because I make up all these ideas/scenarios in relation to how my life is suppose to be like and I imagine and create this delusional reality ONLY on the point of NOT having control my world and reality and within this I make up all these ideas/scenarios of how my life should be at the moment and since its not matching up to the ideas/scenarios in my mind I think/believe I am a complete failure and loser - commit myself to see that making up these ideas/scenarios on how my life should or shouldn't be is completely pointless because I can never and will never be able to control my life within ideas/scenarios that can and will only be my imagination and never actually a point of self-direction to slowly but surely create control.

Within the word, 'anger,' I have reacted/perceived/believed that anger is something evil/wrong/negative and should be suppressed/avoided at any cost, because within this point of mind-projecting anger within an evil/wrong/negative energetic signature there is no actual self-realization of Equality and Oneness, in any shape/form but a complete avoidance of facing my own ideas to/towards a mere word that is innocent. When I am experiencing anger I tend to say to myself, 'You're not an angry person, how could you be experiencing this," what I'm doing is using/abusing the word, 'anger,' equal and one to/towards the perceptions/beliefs of anger being something evil/wrong, therefore, I have also created the idea that evil/wrong should be a point of suppression/avoidance and not actual responsibility, because I don't see the point in any way that if I were to embrace anger without any reactions it would just be an innocent word, and so its actually the ideas/perceptions and beliefs that I have projected to/towards the word anger that allows me to have such a negative emotional experience because of not seeing the point that if I'm going to use and abuse the experiences I had of what anger is in my past and didn't later use my interpretations on how anger has caused the person/situation in these experiences in my past to be and become a scenario of something evil/wrong/negative then I wouldn't of even suppressed or avoided myself in anyway but embraced a part/aspect of myself in Equality and Oneness.

Dictionary Definition:  Anger is an emotion related to one's psychological interpretation of having been offended, wronged or denied and a tendency to undo that by retaliation.

Redefining the word "Anger."
Sounding -Angle - E - R
Angle represents the point of how to look at the world, rather if looking at the point of seeing the angle in self-honesty to not manipulate oneself into angles of the mind.
E - Energy
R - Reflection and in Reverse to see the angle of self-honesty.

The practical application of the word Anger - is to see the reflection point in reverse to see the anger in self-honesty when self is manipulating oneself into the angles of the mind, when one uses reflection of taking the point back to self and take the point in reverse when one is separating oneself through accessing energy of Anger.

'Anger' as an emotion - energy when self can see that one is about to manipulate oneself into/as a perception/belief, wherein one will lash out at another or oneself instead of taking the point back to self and breathe, apply self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

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