Fear of Being Judged by OthersSince I was about in preschool, I’ve been fearful of people because I was an extremely sick child and was coming in and out of ICU because of asthma. This led me to not have many child friends, therefore, most of my time was spent alone - wherein, I would just talk to myself and play by myself. My Mother was very protective of me because of this, and I was her first child and so having something happen to me was very devastating to her. Apparently, the asthma was so extensive that I died at birth and everyone said that I would talk to angels and tell them what angels ate. It’s a bit strange because during that time demons were using humans as their own personal meal, therefore, maybe children could’ve seen demons more clearly, while the adults were too busy worrying about everything. Anyway, back to the point, I would become very rigid around family members, even, talking to people was an extremely uncomfortable aspect/part of/as myself. So, fascinating how myself having complications as a child, led to becoming fearful of being judged by others. Throughout the years, communicating became more difficult for myself, and the after affects of myself having problems as a child, led, to myself having a lazy-eye, this was something I buried in my unconscious mind to suppress that I actually was uncomfortable within communication, because of fear being judged by my eyes.
Fear of Judgment from others is stemmed, from myself fear being the, ‘outcast,’ which I perceived myself to be the, ‘outcast,’ from the difference in how my functioning was, to other children. So, from a very young age I perceived myself as different from other children because of how I’ve perceived my appearance as an, outcast, wherein - this outcast persona, led, me to not see myself at all but continuously/consistently looking for/from how others seen myself. Another point that is coming up is, how when I was a child and I was sheltered away because of my Mom’s fears that I ended up fearing the same, as well, the fear of outside-sources hurting your child, wherein - I had taken this solitude as a confirmation point that one shouldn’t spend too much outside because you would get hurt. Literally, The Sins of the Fathers. Stopping this fear has become such a part/aspect of my pre-programming, that stopping it seems ludicrous because I’ve defined the judgement from others, as a security-blanket for myself to not face myself, by/through facing the world of how people see me.
So, there is definitely separation that I’ve created from other human-beings that I’m judging myself to, because of not seeing the human-beings that I’m fearing being judged from, one and equal to myself. I was about to write that the projection I’m projecting towards human-beings is simply not seeing others one and equal to myself, but that’s not the case. As I said above, the projection that I’m projecting at others is perceiving myself as an outcast from my physical appearance, meaning, I’m not looking at this internally as well, for myself to see how I’m perceiving myself as the, ‘outcast,’ from a very internal stand-point.
I stand one and equal to/as Judgment.
I stand one and equal to/as perceiving myself as the, ‘outcast.’
I am not accepting and allowing projections that I’m projecting at others is perceiving myself as an, ‘outcast,’ from my physical appearance, internally as well, I see myself clear and free myself of any judgments that I’m projecting at myself within this moment, to stand up one and equal of/as Judgment and Outcast, as, ‘who I am,’ as Oneness and Equality of Life as Life, Breath By Breath.
The emotional attachment is fear, of course and inferiority, wherein - I’m perceiving myself as an, ‘outcast,’ to not see myself as an equal to anyone in anyway, whatsoever, wherein - the trigger point is seeing how my functioning was different to other children, for/as not seeing that one can be one and equal to anyone, rather it meaning looking differently - internally/externally.
Fearing Judgment from Others started taking over my time, geez, its actually always taken over my time but it started really affecting me in a very negative way, when I was growing up in my teenage years. I started becoming very fearful of my body, which, led to myself becoming obsessive about what I should/shouldn’t eat, leading, towards periods of binge eating and starving myself for long periods. Within all this, I never actually looked at myself, in self-honesty - I was obsessed. Overtime, I became very depressed, focused merely on my school-work to gain control of my world/reality but that would literally be my life, when, I wasn’t too busy obsessing on how people perceived me.
I forgive myself that I’ve have accepted and allowed myself to define myself to/towards the reactions that I experience in relation to being and becoming fearful of people judging me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that the reactions that I experience to/towards being and becoming fearful of people judging me, is a representation of, ‘who I am,’ as my pre-programmed personality, therefore, being the perfect justification to abdicate my self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the emotional reactions that I experience to such an extent to/towards fearing being judged by others, that I’ve allowed myself to let it consume myself within and as allowing it to be and become a scapegoat for myself, because its become such a natural part of myself and my reality.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse the experience of being sick as a child, as a scapegoat, to not face my world/reality but continuously/consistently utilize it as the perfect excuse to seclude myself from my world/reality.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my Mom for/as always being alone as a child to never actually face myself, within facing this world and not secluding myself from everyone because of using and abusing being sick to not live and express myself, unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to utilize my Mother as a scapegoat of/as myself to not take self-responsibility because of using and abusing the excuse of being sick as the perfect ploy to not face myself and my reality.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame/resent my Mom for all those years hiding myself away from myself and my reality, because of never understanding and facing on my own but seeing that I really had no choice but to go along with my Mom to not face my world and reality.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame/resent my Mom to/as all the experiences that I didn’t get to see and realize for myself, the point of actually facing this world, because I didn’t get to hide away from my own free-will.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my Mom’s fears of something happening to me, into my own self-interest to not face my world and reality.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse my physical functioning as the perfect scapegoat to not communicate with others but continuously/consistently feeding my fear of people judging me, within and as my physical appearance - meaning, actually everything of myself - internally and externally.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to throughout the years be and become uncomfortable talking to others because of my lazy-eye, leading, towards burying the uncomfortable emotional reactions that I was experiencing unconsciously to/towards suppressing that I was actually uncomfortable within communication, because of fear being judged by my eyes.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to unconsciously feed the desire of relief to not face my fears of the uncomfortable emotional reactions that has manifested for/as myself to face my fears of being judged by others, because of my lazy-eye, but continuously and consistently hiding behind my Mom as the perfect scapegoat for others to feel sorry for me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my Mom’s fear to condition myself to not face myself in anyway but use and abuse her fear towards other to feel sorry for me, that I never get to leave the house.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate the fear of judgment from other to/towards fear being perceived the, ‘outcast.’
I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that because I was judging myself in relation to the lazy eyes through projecting the judgment upon other’s eye’s view of me, I’ve utilized a protection mechanism of hiding and out-casting myself from society and thereby, experienced myself as an outcast, blaming everyone for my own self created experience so that I won’t have to see my responsibility and practically change.
I forgive myself that I HAVE accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself and haven't allowed myself to see, realize and practically live Equality & Oneness BECAUSE I'm continuously and consistently comparing myself to others and therefor judge myself, and i haven't realize that by doing so, i'm sabotaging and compromising myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately be and become this, ‘outcast persona,’ on purpose for myself to continuously and consistently look for/from how others seen me, because in actuality I never seen myself at all.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the continuous and consistent fear from my Mother, be and become my own fear, as a confirmation point that being sheltered away is actually acceptable for me to participate in.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not ever question my Mom’s fear of allowing me to face the outside world that allowed it to be and become me to such an extent that it became a natural part of myself, in actuality not seeing the point of taking on the sins of fear, after generation, after generation but simply define the judgment from others, as a security-blanket for myself to not face myself, by/through facing the world of how people see me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from other human-beings to such an extent that I don’t see them one and equal, as myself, but project how others is perceiving myself as an, ‘outcast,’ from an internal-external stand-point.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate the fear of being judged by others to/as the emotional reactions of fear and inferiority.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the fear of being judged by others within and as the emotional reactions of fear and inferiority.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the fear of being judged by others and from the emotional reactions of fear and inferiority, within separating myself from the fear of being judged by others and from the emotional reactions of fear and inferiority, in separation of myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate the trigger point of seeing how my functioning was different to other children to/as the fear of being judged by others.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the trigger point of seeing how my functioning was different to other children, within and as the fear of being judged by others.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the trigger point of seeing how my functioning was different to other children and from the fear of being judged by others, within separating from the trigger point of seeing how my functioning was different to other children and from how my functioning was different to other children, in separation of myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let the fear of judgment from others want me to distract myself from myself, to/as the affect of being and becoming obsessed with my physical body to such an extent that I abused myself within starving myself or making myself throw up.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse my physical body because of being too busy perceiving the perceptions of others as a self-definition of, ‘who I am.’
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize for myself to utilize people’s perceptions of me as a gift to actually see if I value myself as life to not react to others words that are only reflections back at them to see into them, therefore, I see and realize that when I see into others the words are only points for myself to stand.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse the fear of judgment to/towards participating in depression to not face myself but lose myself, within and as school-work to gain control of my world/reality because I never actually controlled anything of myself, because I was too busy allowing the fear of judgment from others to possess me to not see myself, at all.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to waste and wait for myself to realize the extent that I’m abusing myself to other people’s perceptions, that are in actuality their own fears to themselves, therefore, I see into simplicity that perceptions are only deceptions of the mind to not see oneself as one and equal to life but a slave to the fear of being judged by others.
When and as I see myself using my complications of the totality of/as myself - internally/externally, I stop, I breathe, and I bring myself back, ‘here,’ to/as not use and abuse something of myself that I’m perceiving as, ‘different,’ but actually understand how I’m using and abusing the physical complications that I have no control of to literally take Troll of how I’m seeing myself - internally.
When and as I see myself to use and abuse the fear that I experience to/towards myself of how I’m perceiving myself as, ‘different,’ to/as others that I’m communicating with, I allow myself to see and realize that becoming very rigid around people or family members isn’t what I’m being uncomfortable about, its the uncomfortability to be and become comfortable within myself to embrace the comfortness of/as actual expression of being different and seeing we’re all actually different, but that doesn’t mean that has to be something, ‘bad,’ or, ‘good.’
When and as I see myself suppressing the suppressions that are Pressing on me from my unconscious mind, I allow myself to see and realize its merely a point for myself to walk, and its not necessary to go to the extent and participate in being uncomfortable within communication, there, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here to actually come to a solution for/as the suppressions that I’m becoming one and equal too, instead of being and becoming one and equal to the unconscious build up of points that I’m suppressing to walk, step by step - Breath by Breath.
When and as I see myself associating fear of judgment to perceiving myself as the, ‘outcast,’ to how my functioning is/was to other children, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back, ‘here,’ wherein - instead, I didn’t allow myself to see or realize how I’m actually seeing myself at all, when I’m seeking the secret codes to how others want me to be and become, therefore, I’ll ask myself the question, “What am I actually standing and existing as, within fearing how others are judging me”? or, “Am I actually judging myself”?
When and as I see myself participating in Sins in the Fathers of/as sheltering myself away from my world/reality, I allow myself to realize for myself that secluding myself away from this world is actually secluding myself from myself, because this world is a reflection of myself, therefore, I don’t want to see or face myself because of using and abusing self-judgment as an excuse to hold unto like some, ‘security-blanket,’ to not face myself = Facing the world.
When and as I see myself being and becoming depressed within spending my entire time and energy within my school-work to gain some sort of control of my world/reality, because I won’t allow myself to control anything of my life, within always wanting/needing and desiring to please others to judge myself - I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here, actually listening to myself to see why I abuse myself to such an extent because of the self-judgment that I project at myself and my reality.
When and as I see myself using and abusing my physical body, within becoming obsessive about what I should/shouldn’t eat, leading, towards periods of binge eating and starving myself for long periods, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back,’here,’ to/as look within myself to see and realize that becoming obsessive about my physical-appearance is a reflection point for myself to, ‘Bring it back to myself,’ and ask myself questions to investigate why I want to appear a certain way for others.
Simplicity is the key.
Judged
Judged->Jagad, meaning that I'm being and become jagad, meaning, 'inconsistent,' and full of functions that aren't working well because of the judgement.
Within the word, ‘judged,’ I see that there a very keen reference to being judged in the past but never actually, ‘here,’ in the moment of expression. The connotation I have attached to/towards
Judged - Is the evaluation of functionality in the making of a decision.
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