Friday, July 27, 2012
Day 13: Part 1 - I GIVE UP!!!!!
Thought Dimension: A picture of me laying in my room all alone ( So, this point isn't relevant at the moment in relation to the thought dimension) experiencing myself as being, 'depressed.'
Thought Dimension: A picture of me on the computer looking at spiritual forums and experiencing myself as ( This point again is related to the emotional/feelings reactions I was experiencing in the moment) inferior but projecting myself as superior.
Thought Dimension: A picture of me looking at an apparent bad grade.
Thought Dimension: A picture of me crying in my room all by myself.
Backchat Dimension: "I am too useless."
Backchat Dimension: "I don't have what it takes."
Backchat Dimension: "I might as well wallow in depression because I don't deserve to support myself."
Backchat Dimension: "I'm too fucking stupid to get this done."
Backchat Dimension: "What am I doing wrong"?
Reaction Dimension: Depressed.
Reaction Dimension: uselessness
Reaction Dimension: hopelessness
Reaction Dimension: Inferiority
Reaction Dimension: judgment
Reaction Dimension: expectation
Reaction Dimension: stress
Reaction Dimension: nervousness
Reaction Dimension: tired
Reaction Dimension: Easiness
Reaction Dimension: Spitefulness
Reaction Dimension: Shame
Reaction Dimension: Guilt
Physical Behaviour Dimension: slumped shoulders
Physical Behaviour Dimension: shoulders and neck stiffen
Physical Behaviour Dimension: insomnia
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and participate in the give up character when I'm all alone and have to look at myself - no matter what - within this I experience depression because I think/believe I'm not good enough/not capable of assisting/supporting myself to get everything done to the best of my ability but instead of actually doing it and not participate in my mind and compound the point further I allow myself to continuously participate in the depression until I'm good and ready to think/believe that I'm always going to be not good enough/not capable to get everything done to my utmost potential, and so I allow myself to not assist/support myself because I deliberately allowed myself to allow a feeling of easiness to over-power me because I knew within myself that I didn't have to get everything done to the best of my ability because of the justification/excuse that I've created in my mind that I'm always going to be not/good enough/not capable to ensure that I don't have to take self-responsibility for assignment/tasks that I have throughout my day. I now see, realize and understand that I'm blinding myself in depression to ensure to think/believe that I'm not good enough/not capable of assisting/supporting myself to get everything done to the best of my ability but knew within myself that it would allow me the perfect excuse/justification to not be a self-responsible being but another character that will do anything and everything possible to maintain her around everyone else's self-interest to never in-fact become a being that assists/supports herself to get everything done and have no excuses but to be a stable being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume/perceive that a picture of myself all alone has/must be the perfect time for me to react in depression because I know within myself that all needs to get done and must get done is when I'm forced to be alone with myself - not seeing, realizing and understanding that every moment of every breath I am alone, and so every moment of every breath I'm self-aware of what must get done but I've allowed myself to participate in my self-interest to such an extent that I've created an idea/projection that I'm not good enough/not capable - therefore - I will allow myself to compound the point further to participate in depression for myself to simply not face the point of my self-responsibility that I have on a day to day basis, and so I allow myself to wallow and think/believe that I'm only with myself when I'm alone - within this I do anything to not be alone with myself by/through compounding points of depression for myself to never face the fact that I'm always alone with myself because I'm always here - therefore - I know matter what am self-aware of what needs/must be done but will ensure my self-interest to the separation I've created in my mind that there is some sort of manual to get daily responsibilities completed to my utmost potential.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and participate in the give up character - when and as I'm on the computer looking at spirituality forums and I'm experiencing myself as inferior and I'm hiding/suppressing how I'm actually experiencing myself by/through projecting myself as superior to others and compound this point to such an extent because I participate in the give up character on how I've allowed myself to participate in my ego to such an extent and react/perceive that how/why I was experiencing myself is/was defined by/through me to this day - therefore - I want/desire to give up on myself because how I've allowed myself to participate in this point to such an extent that I became spiteful because I thought/believed I was superior/special/more than and would compound the point further because I've allowed the memory to become me to such an extent that I've allowed shame/guilt become defined by/through myself because I think about how much I lost myself within that experience and why/how I've allowed myself to compete with others to merely attain/find some more energy to feel/experience myself as superior/more than/special to merely see myself - instead, I've allowed myself to participate in the give up character for why/how I've allowed myself to become another pretentious asshole that never actually cared about life, in any shape/form but did anything possible to remain competing with others to do anything to experience and participate in superiority/specialness to see myself as more than to simply not see, realize and understand how I'm actually experiencing myself and what I am participating in - therefore - I experience/participate in shame/guilt to actually hide/suppress the point more to make myself think/believe that its justifiable/ excusable now that I'm experiencing negative reactions to make myself have morality - to make the point of giving up something easier for myself to forget because I knew what I was participating/experiencing the entire time.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that me projecting myself as superior to hide/suppress the point of inferiority I was experiencing/participating/projecting in relation to being on the computer and participating in spirituality forums or even who/what I was in spirituality was the perfect justifiable/excuseable and plausible point for me to give up on myself because I've allowed a memory become me to the point, wherein - I allow/lose myself more within the give up character to never in-fact understand that who/what I was within spirituality has nothing to do with myself to create another character to hide/suppress more to cover up another dimension of/as myself because deep down within myself I understood that who/what I was is the perfect excuse/justification and plausible idea/belief to not in-fact see myself at all - therefore - I allowed myself to hate myself to the point that I thought/believed that I couldn't look at myself because it could become the perfect excuse/justification to become my present - to become the point that allowed me to not take self-responsibility for the daily tasks/assignments that I have throughout my daily-living but just allow myself to hide/suppress myself further because of a mere memory that I've defined myself as to the point that it became another character to suit up to diminish/judge myself to never in-fact become someone that is stable and always ready to take up another task/assignment to see that self is always capable but not allow myself to bite off more than I can chew just to prove to myself that I'm capable/good enough to take on the I give up character. I now see, realize and understand that why/what I was within spirituality in general was just another character - therefore - I allow myself to look at myself because when/as I'm looking at myself I now know who I am/could be because I am not a thought/backchat/reactions/physical reactions or a character but a person, and so I allow myself to treat myself like one that will never/not allow myself to become just another character that never in-fact takes self-responsibility to get daily tasks/assignments done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect/attach another dimension to the I give up character by/through participating/reacting to a picture of me looking at an apparent bad grade - therefore - I allow myself to give up on myself because the grade isn't what I've pre-programmed myself to like/dislike that I was taught from the Education System - within this the point of/as judging myself to want/desire to give up is because of myself defining and valuing myself to mere letters that throughout generations of time became the symbolic answer to rather you were/weren't good enough to make it this world-system - within this point of getting the grade that was considered remarkable to this world-system I would became pleased but it became a point of possession/obsession for/as myself because of trying to search for self-perfection, instead - I did not in-fact realize for myself that perfection could only exist if consciousness as enslavement existed, and so I also did not take into consideration that reaching/finding perfection outside myself was not in-fact perfection but the mere give up character at work - therefore - perfection was an endless game for myself to not give up on myself in someway to make it into the world-system, instead - of not considering that perfection only could exist if I actually allowed myself to live for the very first time and not became another slave that is always trying/attaining to find something to became and so the I give up character would be based on the system's idea of perfection and if I didn't allow myself to match up to society's views of perfection then I would be swallowed up by/through the system entirely and end up as another slave to money. I now see, realize and understand that I'm already/will always remain a slave to money as long as our current money system is here and so this is no excuse for myself to continue matching up to ideas/projections of what this world-system thinks/believes is perfection.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately react/assume that the I give up character is entirely based on what the world-system thinks/believes is perfection, instead - not considering that this world-system is only based on the world-system of money and wants/desires nothing to do with anything else that involved money and will stop at nothing to get money to always enslave others to want/desire to give up on themselves - to never in-fact change ourselves as life to self-perfection because that would mean that the I give up character wouldn't become the instinct of survival to always allow society to try/attain and find something outside self to keep the customers occupied to ideas/projections of perfection in my mind to always in-fact survive to never live - to never become an actual Earthling that in-fact understand what perfection implies to indeed understand that we in this moment are enslaved to money but that doesn't mean that we as the Elite can't do anything to finally become an Earthling that takes nature and the animal-kingdom into consideration as living Oneness & Equality. I now see, realize and understand that since we as the Elite are here - then we're more then capable of getting our asses in gear to reach perfection that involves everyone to live a dignified life - to in-fact understand that perfection doesn't involve becoming a slave to the world-system's ideas/projections of what life actually constitutes as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry within self-victimization/self-defeat because of becoming a slave to the character of/as I give up on myself because I've allowed myself to take into consideration on some level that I've suppressed/hidden from myself to what I've actually became within the I give up on myself character - therefore - I've allowed myself to fuel/power the point further to not in-fact reach a solution but continued to participate in the idea/projection that I am/will always remain a slave to the character of/as I give up on myself, instead - of actually taking consideration that if I understand on some level that which I've become I would not be crying within self-victimization/self-defeat but creating a solution because this world and reality has been doing nothing but cry in direct/-in-direct ways that we've never actually considered that if I'm aware of what I've become and I'm crying about it then I know that I'm most definitely full responsible for this world and reality and the character I've become because I never allowed myself to find a solution but cry to become the perfect scapegoat for myself to not take into consideration the group as humanity but only my own ass to never in-fact change but allow myself to fuel/power the I give up character to always remain a character that never gives a fuck about what is happening but will cry to have morality and forget about the point later on purposely/deliberately to never become an Earthling that is here in this world/reality breathing in every moment of every breath.