Jessica's Journey to Nothingness: Day 8: My RelationSHIT with Scoliosis

Friday, July 20, 2012

Day 8: My RelationSHIT with Scoliosis

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my body/specifically my breasts because I couldn't understand/fathom why/how in my entire life I developed breasts at a certain age because I was not informed about sex or puberty, and so within this I would slump my shoulders to such an extent that I neglected my human physical body because of the mere point of not accepting my breasts and my body, within this I developed scoliosis because I had no idea how to accept something I actually didn't understand/fathom on any grand scale, whatsoever. I see, realize and understand that neglecting my body that which gives me life is abusive to myself and my body, and so I allow myself to investigate why/how I haven't researched why I developed breasts from the get go and not wanting/needing and desiring to have someone outside myself to tell me why this is happening to me. I commit myself to - when and as I see myself rejecting/not accepting or understanding my body, I allow myself to see, realize and understand that I don't have to experience fear, frustration and uncomfortability because I think/believe that breasts are merely there for the male's pleasure, and so I allow myself to react in anger/blame to/towards males because they allowed me to see how I've diminished myself within a picture presentation that only held a idea/projection of lust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to me growing breasts to such an extent that I allowed myself to form scoliosis, within this I blinded myself from life acceptance as I got older because as I got older I had no idea how/why to accept something that came out of nowhere, not seeing realizing or understanding that it doesn't matter if I spent a month, one day or my whole life with something to accept it, because there is no choice not to accept something at this point. I see, realize and understand there is no other choice but to be with myself since I am here in this life, I commit myself to - when and as I see myself judging myself out of the ordinary, I investigate why/how I'm wanting/desiring to be with something that is part of the limitations I've formed of myself, and so I allow myself to let go to enjoy myself for whatever may come to grow, develop and expand to someone that will slowly but surely LIVE and acceptance the unthinkable - NOT THINKING!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a became older to become severely confused to such an extent of my breasts that I didn't investigate why/how I actually had to live with my breasts out of nowhere and within this I allowed myself to sabotage myself to purify myself to become; one and equal to my breasts because I was too busy participating in shame/frustration to actually make up a solution for myself, and so I didn't in anyway investigate why/how I grew breasts because I believed/deceived myself that I just had to deal with it and abuse my body in the process. I see, realize and understand that dealing with abusing my body is completely selfish because its the body that gives me life and allows for me to breath when I'm too busy in shame/frustration of myself, and so I allow myself to investigate why/how I've allowed myself to neglect that which is always here and that gives me the breath of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that my breasts/body are merely a slave to a male's pleasure not actually investigating that if I'm reacting in anger/blame to/towards males is actually a gift myself because its a door of opportunity for me to see how I've diminished myself because of this one point of being seen as a picture presentation that in the end was only a idea/projection of lust that stood a chance to/towards life. I see, realize and understand that my breasts/body aren't a slave and I will not give into or accept and allow anything less then what I know I can be/live, and so I allow myself to take a breath, write and apply self-corrective statements to see that I'm one and equal to/towards male's pleasure and the frustration I have developed in general of being and becoming a mere porn star in the making to someone's desires and actually investigate that if I'm reacting and I'm defining myself and valuing myself less/more because of being a mere slave to a male's lust, then that's exactly what I will be and become: A slave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into everyone's ideas/projections of a female's breasts/body that I would react in frustration of this and then become ashamed of my body, within this I would slump my shoulders for nobody to look at my boobs because I didn't want to become another porn star to someone's mind. I see, realize and understand that someone else's desires has nothing to do with me because that is the person's own problem of what they became, and so I allow myself to not become another's reactions to such an extent that I slump my shoulders and abuse/use my body to the extent where I would experience intensive pain but completely suppress why/how I allowed my body to reach this state of abuse and shame. I commit myself to - when and as I see myself reacting in frustration/shame of people using and abusing my body, I allow myself to see, realize and understand that other people's porn minds, lol - have nothing to do with how I embrace/accept myself, ALL of me, including my boobs and actually investigate why/how I've allowed myself to abuse my body and myself because of other people's lust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat, "What is the point in having breasts"?, not taking consideration that my breasts are to nourish a child for breast-feeding - instead, I turned breasts into a point of being a slave to someone else's desires to within this project frustration/shame to seeing myself as a mere picture-presentation to get someone off. I see, realize and understand that my breasts are to nourish and give life to another being and NOT for other people's manipulations of desire, and so I allow myself to NOT become shameful or frustrated when other people treat my breasts as a picture-presentation but to simply NOT react because that would make me one and equal to/towards the abuser that isn't treating me like an equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ask the question, "What is the point in having breasts"?, within this I'm not investigating why/how I have breasts but go into my mind and participate in the pit of self-pity and NOT find any solution, and so I allow myself to grovel and mourn in complete ignorance - instead, of breathing here, accepting my breasts and understand that whining about my body will get me nowhere. I see, realize and understand that if I spend the rest of my life whining in self-pity about my body/breasts then my life will become another embodiment of ideas/projections that never actually stood a chance to/towards LIFE, and so I allow myself to understand that only me investigating the ins and outs of my mind will I then become LIFE and not another character looking for other characters to make one's illusion much more easier to never have to face self-change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat, "Why don't the boys grow boob"?, within this I'm participating in some bizarre feminism point of physical development, and not actually understanding that the male and female design is different, within this I'm also not considering that the physical differences between the two sexes isn't relevant at all and is merely me participating in victimization that males don't have to deal with as much shit as females. I see, realize and understand that males and females have been playing this game of competition between both sexes for eons of time and so I allow myself to not go there because it has never provided any solution for what is best for all, but only a whining of who has to deal with what. I do not accept or allow myself to separate myself from males merely because of differences of physical development but understand that it was always the point of Oneness and Equality that we didn't actually realize for ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat, "This isn't fair"!, I mean this point is fascinating because its as though I'm a child begging for ice cream from my parents and I will do anything in my whiner-character to get what I want/desire, I allow myself to see, realize and understand that whining about something being unfair is completely ludicrous and is merely me participating in victimization because I won't allow myself to accept my body. I do not accept or allow myself to go into victimization because I am no means the victim in this world or reality but another human being that perpetuates little things like breasts to never find a solution but merely feed/fuel my own delusions because I'm scared shitless to accept myself and actually find a solution because then I would have to take responsibility and change for real.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see the point of me NOT being comfortable of my breasts is actually correlated to me NOT wanting to change, I mean, we've been doing this for so long and it has only gotten us to complete atrocity and nobody is willing to change. I see, realize and understand that I'm obviously going to have resistance to/towards changing but this is merely my mind, and obviously I've spent my entire life fueling the mind that its going to take just as long to understand how I'm actually separating myself from LIFE, and so of course its going to be difficult to walk through the resistance. I do not accept or allow myself to give up on pushing through the resistance that I can't possibly change and understand that the more I push through the resistance of not wanting/desiring to change, the more easier and natural it will be to walk this process. Eventually, it will come to the point where breathing here in every moment will become a natural expression of myself and not something resisted of energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that ALL uncomfortability, ALL frustration, ALL fear is only an illusional character created in the memory of the illusional character as the main character and that all emotional reactions that I experience are but illusionary characters that have managed to become a separate entity within and as myself to be able to influence the illusionary of other illusionary characters to create an infinite illusion for the illusionary good of humanity, even becoming the whole of humanity to never question the illusionary parts we play to NEVER come to a point of change. I see, realize and understand that this illusionary game MUST end or we WILL end, dying to become a mere illusionary character isn't what I want to leave for future children to come, and so I realize that the only way to reach a change for illusionary characters in this world is to become part of this illusionary system because this illusionary system is what stands for eternity, within this I realize that I won't be here on this planet for eternity and that the only way for me to bring about a change that is best for all is to change the system that always remains so that LIFE always remains.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my reaction of uncomfortability in relation to myself having boobs out of nowhere to such an extent that I allow myself to NOT accept myself, ALL of ME and thus as a got older the more I allowed myself to NOT look at myself, compounding more and more for me to separating myself further from the actuality of this reality, and, 'who I am,' within this world and reality to see how I'm actually destroying myself to NOT - be and become one and equal to ALL of ME and NOT allow to become disgusted of my body/breasts to such an extent that I would not look at myself, and so more and more as I pushed disgust within and as me I did not actually understand in any context for me to actually assist and support myself to look at EVERYTHING of MYSELF as a way to grow/develop and expand to love my body in common-sense. I see, realize and understand that I am merely separating myself because I'm not willing myself to embrace ALL of ME to actually understand the disgust I'm that pushing within and as me, and so I allow myself to NOT trust the disgust that I'm experiencing outside myself and to NOT trust the separation point that told me to hate my body/breasts, but to actually embrace EVERYTHING of ME within and as myself an apply it within the context of what is best for ALL to be redefined and purified to ACCEPTANCE and NOT hate my body and breasts to the extent where I think/believe I am disgusting, and so I allow myself to ACCEPT ALL of ME, breath by breath - A Process of Accumulation.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the uncomfortability that I experience in relation to having boobs out of nowhere is a cool opportunity for myself to stand up and see, realize and understand that the uncomfortability that I'm experiencing is an indication that I'm separate from uncomfortability and, 'who I am,' within the experience of having my boobs grow out of nowhere, and so I allow myself to investigate the inner-workings of my mind to actually understand what I'm experiencing inside me to STOP the emotional reactions that I'm limiting myself to LIVE and not in anyway reacting my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react/perceive that frustration will make a difference for nobody never informing me about why/how I had suddenly grown boobs and why wasn't the males having boobs, within this I'm participating in frustration because I think/believe its not fair for me to have boobs 24/7 on my chest sticking out to the extent where I would become so frustrated that it would turn into shame of my breasts/body - wherein, I started slumping my shoulders and becoming uncomfortable with my body, ALL of ME. I see, realize and understand that it wouldn't make a difference if someone informed me about why/how I have boobs or not because I reacted regardless and asking, "What if," questions if someone would inform me is not relevant because its complete separation of what is here, I do not accept or allow myself to slump my shoulders but to walk with care and no abuse by accepting ALL of me.