Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Day 46: How Do You Become The Perfect Student?

So, I have this HUGE test tomorrow and I'm FREAKING OUT! It is only my survival-instinct kicking to NOT allow myself to understand that the past-experiences I've been taught about tests is that if you're not doing very well, then you simply won't be able to survive in this world/reality and will be/become some loser (apparently) it is pretty stupid for me to make a big idea out of nothing because I am allowing my pre-programming CONTroll me to the extent that I cannot see clearly that I am mind-projecting an importance on a letter grade because I've allowed myself to limit/enslave myself to society's expectations of survival - in this I can see clearly that its not about the dimensional letter grade in actuality or the dimension of failure but trying/attaining/attempting to fulfill the expectations from the people in my outer-reality, and also the expectations I've held within and as myself because I've become people's expectations of who I am/suppose to be - therefore - I am allowing myself to live my life in complete anxiety/stress/nervousness because I fear not being/becoming the expectations I've mind-projected to/towards myself - Thus I now realize that through trying/attaining/attempting to do the best I can within and as the starting-point of fueling/powering/compounding expectations to full flown obsession - I realize that I am possessing myself with obsession because I want/desire to be completely perfect, I mean, perfection in a nut shell is dividing/separating myself to in-fact be/become a self-perfected being that is always living in the interest of All as One as Equal - to NOT in-fact take the chance/opportunity to equalize myself - instead I've allowed myself to be/become a perfection that is always living up to something that never existed in the first place because it only existed within and as my mind-delusional boundaries to ever be/become something lived that can be applied in the interest of All in practical-application - in this I live in complete petrification of the fear within and as me to NOT realize for myself that I am in essence fearing what will people think/believe and perceive me to be/become, I fear myself NOT being/becoming the illusional image of continuous expectation to/towards those in my outer-reality - therefore - I take direct self-responsibility because I am the one that made myself freak out over a mere test to the extent that I react in anxiety/stress/nervousness - thus I self-direct myself to walk perceived expectations to be/become perfection in specificity, ensuring that I do not continuously take tests from the starting-point that I MUST do well from the starting-point that I will not be/become the picture-presentations of perception my outer-reality mind-projects to/towards myself - I now see, realize and understand that I am merely suppressing/hiding from actually facing the point that I FEAR actually doing my best from the starting-point of reaching actual real Self-Perception to ensure that I no longer screw within and as myself to continuously be/become a slave that does everything in his/her delusional power to play the game of perception that only always leads to more anxiety/stress/nervousness being compounded to the point that I think/believe that I MUST be THIS, be THIS! I now see, realize and understand that THIS is only self-sabotaging myself to NOT do well on my test from the get go because doing the best you can be within and as a starting-point of expectation to be/become perception is far from any grand scale theme of perception - therefore - I am wasting my freaking time!!!!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that because I have a HUGE test tomorrow I've allowed myself to react in anxiety/nervousness/stress because my survival-instinct kicks in, and all I keep thinking is that this apparent HUGE test will be my fate to rather I am a complete loser or winner into and as this world-system - within this I am merely only mind-projecting myself to/towards this test because all I see is the teacher telling me that this test is going to be a HUGE influence on rather I pass the course or not, and so I allow myself to react in anxiety/nervousness/stress to the extent that I strive/work for perfection because I am limiting/enslaving myself to the idea/belief/assumption/perception I've created of surpassing other people's expectations to always continuously live my Life as though passing a mere test will be my solution to everything to allow myself to finally be/become perfection, without realizing that the perfection I was striving/working to/towards was another confirmation that I've allowed myself to limit/enslave myself to who I really am as one and equal, wherein there cannot be any form of 'expectation' or 'perfection' as I would only be compounding he anxiety/nervousness/stress to the extent that a manifested consequence would await at my door-stop to in essence realize for myself that this HUGE test is only a test - nothing more and nothing less.

I now see, realize and understand this this HUGE test is nothing more than/superior/important to a SMALL test, and so I allow myself to investigate how/why I've allowed myself to react in anxiety/nervousness/stress to the extent that I would be driven by/through complete obsession to fulfill people's apparent expectations of myself - in this I've allowed myself to strive/work for something that is deviated from my self-creations to survive in this world-system to continuously think/believe that I am nothing without being CONTrolled to/towards polarities of sabotage that was only in the end supposing fantasized/illusionary expectations about who I am/suppose to be - instead of actually striving/working for what is here in this world/reality to understand that when/as I am in actuality striving for/working for what is here, I won't be lost because I be self-willing myself to be/become Self-Perfection as simply doing the best I can in the moment, Huge or Small Test - It doesn't fucking matter.

To Be Continued...

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