Thursday, September 20, 2012

Day 58: STOP! In The Name Of LIFE

This is a continuation Day 57: Searching For Myself, Back Later. Leave a Msg
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie relentlessly, purposely/deliberately for myself to never actually realize/understand/investigate how/why I have done everything in my delusional power to find myself, wherein I wasn't "finding myself" because I knew the whole time that I am here/have always been here to the point that I would do everything in my power to veil/mold/shape myself by/through placing/projecting hope/faith that I will within and as the dimensions of my mind not see who I am/have become to not look within and as self-honesty to understand/investigate/realize that "who I am" doesn't need to be judged/diminished to the point that I experience/participate in guilt/shame for "who I am," wherein I am only further compounding/perpetuating/powering/fueling how/why I've done everything in my power to continuously self-create more characters/personalities to identity/separate/divide within and as myself to not get to the nitty gritty of actually walking this process/life in complete humbleness, because at the moment I am not/have been walking nothing for I've allowed myself to hide/suppress "who I am," by/through looking/searching/reach out for a ME/character/personality to not simply face myself, absolutely and specifically, because looking at everyone within and as this world/reality, we can say with an absolutely certainty that all we are/have become/have always been, was/is just another character/personality to make sure that we never face ourselves, I mean, our entire lives is completely ENTER-TAMED purposely/deliberately to never actually look/search/reach out within and as ourselves to actually understand/investigate/realize how we have limited/enslaved ourselves to ourselves/life/process/existence for absolutely nothing in the end, because our entire life/process was a race to what ME/character/personality would do their best to continuously win/compete to always look/search/reach out for the characters/personalities/Me's that seem to manage this world-system in apparent success to allow the game of survival to always continue for generations upon generations to allow the game of life to be/become nothing more and nothing less than the pursuit of happiness to find/search/reach out for the most effective Multiple Personality Disorder that will allow ourselves to always feel good about how much we did/didn't do to see ourselves within and as ourselves in complete self-honesty, I now see, realize and understand that life/process has/has always been a race/competition/game to gain/strive for the price//prize of what all of us should want/desire in ourselves lives to feel about ourselves at the end of the day, because this apparent success made up of various things/parts/aspects is just something outside myself that I have mind-projected about based on society's general values and definitions about what we should/shouldn't want/desire in our lives, and so we do everything in our power to live this idea/belief/assumption/perception about what life/process should/shouldn't be, within this if were not playing the game of gaining/striving for something that society wants/desires us to apparently be/become, then we will inevitably play against the ground of salt, sort of speak, and rebel against this world-system, in the end not actually solving anything in this world/reality, therefore, the game of playing out ME's/personalities/characters continues to happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to purposely/deliberately search/find/reach out for ME's/characters/personalities to make myself feel all giddy/happy to cover up/suppress the complete regret/shame I experience/participate in, it is always subtly there as I am playing the same of life to be/become nothing more and nothing less a psychopath with serious Multiple Personality issues to do absolutely everything in my own delusional power to not continuously simply look at myself/this world-reality within and as self-honesty to understand/investigate/realize that in the end all what were doing/have been doing is looking at the positive to make ourselves feel giddy/happy about all what the Me's/personalities/characters have done for us to have the special prize/reward/price in the price of Life to in the end make up for what we been doing/have been doing to ourselves/each other/this world-system somehow be/become acceptable/excuseable/justifiable, and if were not doing that were experiencing/participating in depression because were actually I am/were actually reacting to the shame/regret to place/project ourselves as this victim, wherein were actually doing the exact same thing as those/us/myself in complete giddiness/happiness to have morality in the end, to somehow think/believe/perceive/assume that participating/experiencing in certain reactions or doing certain physical actions in this world-system will make a difference, within this we/ourselves/this world-system must consider/take into consideration that our starting-point is the key to actually creating a solution for this world and reality/ourselves/existence to not continuously participate/experience ourselves as someone that is apparently doing something to actually be/become part of the solution, wherein the solution has bee/has always been ourselves to no longer participate and experience ourselves as a ME/character/personality to actually create a solution, because it is the part of ourselves that we do everything in our power to hide/suppress from has bee/has always been the key to be/become the change we want to see within and as this world/ourselves/existence to no longer play the game of competition and survival to gain/strive for a reward, because all what were doing in the first place is trying/attaining/attempting to place/project that the faith/hope into the apparent reward/prize/price will allow ourselves to become a redeemable reward/prize/price to not see the price of life/ourselves/existence/this world/reality, Who really wins in the end?

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive/assume that all the apparent rewards/prizes/prices will make a difference for the price of life that is ourselves/each-other/existence/this world/reality, wherein there is no mercy in the end, because inevitably one person makes a choice/decision to play the game of ME's/personalities/characters and another child pays the price of the apparent reward/price/prize in the end to spend their lives wondering when someone will care, that someone will care enough to stand up within and as this world-system to allow ourselves/each-other/existence this world/reality an actual chance/opportunity to allow the nightmare that we call Life to not continuously relentlessly live/be alive for absolutely nothing in the end, because what do we actually strive for/gain from? Absolutely nothing, I now see, realize and understand that if we continue to play the game of Me's/personalities/characters, then Life will make us, not from a perspective of Life/us/ourselves/everything wanting/desiring to make us participate/experience guilt/shame, but to actually look at the moments/breaths/chances/opportunities that we lost in our lives, the moments that we subtly participated/experienced guilt/shame within and as ourselves, while playing this game for a prize/reward/price that was always in the name of Life/us/ourselves/everything, because in the moments/breaths/opportunities that were lost of participating/experiencing guilt/shame to what were currently are/have been/have always been living for was never actually a breath/chance/opportunity that we have taken/should've taken, no judgement needed, to actually in-fact stand up within and as ourselves to actually be/become a self-honest Earthling that didn't waste/wait/postpone for life to happen to apparently redeem ourselves from what prize/reward/price was give in/and always in the name of Life.

To Be Continued...

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