Day 47: How I Become Useless?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe and perceive that something outside myself like testing a test shows/reveals rather I'm moving myself within and as my physical reality - instead I allow myself to realize that if I continuously use/abuse my physical reality as a reference-point I will completely miss what it means to actually be here in this physical reality from the get go because I will be too busy trying/attaining/attempting to make something I did out of some sort of confirmation if I'm applying myself effectively - to ensure that I am always defining and giving value to my outer-reality that it turns into a religion of self - to not in actuality look at who I am/could be in a moment because I was too busy over-analyzing/interpreting what kind of results I got from my outer-reality like for example tasking a mere test - therefore - I STOP, breathe and bring myself back HERE - I now see, realize and understand that what result/solution I get from something doesn't in anyway imply self-realization because in the moment I will be too busy over-analyzing/interpreting the solution/result that I won't actually be here in the moment completely my daily tasks/assignments/activities to the best of my ability because I didn't allow myself to be here in the moment, but participate in mind-possession so extensive that I didn't realize for myself that the result/solution is here in every moment to see who I am/could be to in actuality investigate why/how I've lived my life from the perspective that if the result/solution isn't apparently effective within and as my mind, then I will participate in the uselessness CharACter because I didn't take the practical-action to in-fact take the stance within and as myself that I don't accept anything less then who I am/could be in the moment - I realize now that I was only in the moment trying/attaining/attempting to make something out of my physical reality to rather I am effectively changing myself, wherein - I've lost myself already because I was too busy in my mind continuously using/abusing this physical reality to always place some sort of meaning if I am here in the moment or in complete mind-possession, and so I didn't allow myself to realize for myself that the moment I ask the question, "Am I even here breathing or am I in my mind"? This is revealing to me I've self-sabotaged myself to such an extent that I deliberately/purposely screwed within and as myself to be/become my cross-reference point because we ALWAYS know what the heck were doing to ourselves, but were too busy worrying about the solution/result that we don't actually remain here into and as the current moment.
Therefore - When and as I see myself ALWAYS looking/searching for some kind of result/solution within and as my mind - I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back HERE - I now see, realize and understand that I was trying/attaining/attempting to always find some sign/confirmation to what is going to happen in the future like for example taking a mere test because I was too busy thinking about ME, ME - ME! That I didn't allow myself to understand that process is here in every moment of every breath, and so the result/solution/answer is also here in every moment of every breath - therefore - the solution/result I continuously strive for is complete bullshit because I am merely living my life off of the apparent result/solution I get from like taking a test to not make myself feel like everything is freaking useless, I mean, obviously I am the one that makes the choice/decision to continuously lose a moment/chance/opportunity/breath because I am too busy striving/searching/finding some apparent solution/result that was bullshit in the first place to always suppress/hide how useless I actually been experiencing myself my entire life - I commit myself to get out of my mind and into and as this physical reality to understand that the result/solution/answer is here in every moment of every breath - because I in essence was looking/searching/striving/finding some sort of result/solution/answer that wouldn't allow me to continuously live my life based on some result/solution/answer to in actuality LIVE for the first time ever.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I was trying/attaining/attempting to find/strive for/search for some apparent result/solution/answer - instead of actually assisting/supporting myself in the moment to understand I was in actuality looking/searching/striving for some answer/result/solution that would leave me wanting/desiring to continuously waste/wait/postpone for my life to happen because of an apparent answer/solution/result that would make everything easier for myself so I could finally STOP living my life in complete separation/division to waste/wait/postpone for my life to actually be/become a life worth living - to NOT continuously remain in complete mind-possession because the answer/result/solution I always strived for/find/search always made me waste/wait/postpone away my life to never realize that I was always the result/solution/answer I was looking for because I wasted/waited/postponed my entire life for some result/answer/solution like taking a mere test to see where I am within and as my life - therefore - I've always been absolutely nowhere and that's okay because I allow myself to realize that the answer/solution/result is here in this moment - I now see, realize and understand that the moment I am breathing working/striving/finding/searching for the apparent result/answer/solution that will apparently make all my problems answered in the moment to hide/suppress that the solution/answer/result was MYSELF, and has ALWAYS been myself - I realize now that I've spent my life wasting/waiting/postponing myself to FIND the answer to never in-fact realize that the answer can never/will never be able to be found because the answer has always/has always forever been SELF - to in-fact be the Creator that has always created our world/reality to finally STOP ourselves to LIVE for the first time ever because of some apparent answer/result/solution that was never the answer because I was only actually suppressing/hiding from the answer/result/solution because I was doing everything in my power to maintain this idea/belief/assumption/perception that something outside myself like taking a test will be the answer/result/solution to ALL my problems because I never looked within and as myself to see the Creator within me that has been here/has always been here in the first place.
Therefore, When and as I see myself doing everything in my delusional power to waste/wait/postpone my life away because of some sort of answer/solution/result that will magically change everything - I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that the result/answer/solution has is here/has always been here and so finally in-fact STOP living my life in complete separation/division to waste/wait/postpone for my life to be/become worth living - to NOT realize for myself that life can only be worth living if I actually see myself worth it to change in every moment of every breath to ensure that I actually trust myself in the moment to not search/find/strive for some apparent solution/result/answer that will apparently change everything within and as myself - I commit myself to be/become the Creator that creates my world/reality to what is best for life in all ways to no longer remain living my life based on answers/results/solutions because the entire time I actually wanted to be/become my OWN answer/result/solution I was just too scared to realize the simplicity of what it means to actually change myself to be/become a Creator that is actually real - to in-fact realize for myself that the answer/solution/result is here if I actually make the choice/decision to realize that NOTHING can move me in anyway like for example taking a test because I would then be self-creating more division/separation within and as myself to not understand all the answers/solutions/answers I need/require to know is myself living Equality & Oneness to walked myself out of my mind and into and as this physical reality.
To Be Continued...