This is a continuation to Day 48: I SUCK AT LIFE!
Okay, so - I'm looking at the point of myself thinking/believing and perceiving I need/require something/someone outside myself to prove (apparently) where I am within and as my process/life and I'm looking at it from a different dimension, so, I'm realizing that I've manipulated/deviated my self-responsibility to be/become my own reminder within and as this process, from the perspective that I've fucked myself to assume/perceive that I need/require something/someone outside myself to apparently see where I am in my life to actually move myself - within this I can see how I've used/abused my outer-reality as a religion of self because I think, believe and perceive that I have to realize myself from someone/someone to actually have a self-realization - WTF? For an example: Today I was watching this documentary called, "The Cove," and I had so much fear within and as myself because I didn't want to see what was actually going on in this world/reality - I saw within and as myself how I've deviated/manipulated my self-responsibility to need/require reminders like documentaries to educate myself about how abusive we as human beings are, and so saw within and as myself just how brainwashed I've become to not understand that the just the fact that I needed/required a documentary to inform/educate me about this physical reality was another physical confirmation to how/why I've allowed myself to purposely/deliberately remove myself from this world/reality to such an extent that I have to read or watch some movie to actually realize how/why we as human beings have limited/enslaved ourselves to ourselves that we have to go outside ourselves to realize who we are in this moment to not understand that we have been suppressing/hiding from ourselves that we never had taken the time to investigate ourselves within and as self-honesty - therefore - All the fear I was experiencing to see into the documentary was what I didn't want/desire to see within and as myself, so, this is very brutal for my self-interest to actually understand how ignorant we actually are to need/require someone/something to remind ourselves who we are/have become to never in actuality take the stance within and as ourselves to be/become our own reminder in every moment of every breath to not need/require something/someone because it's apparently easier to actually live that way until someone/something wakes us up from our ignorance that our entire lives has been a freaking like - therefore - I knew within and as myself that something like reacting to a mere test because I'm trying/attaining/attempting to find/search/strive for some result/solution/answer was ignorance on my part because if were actually in the moment here breathing and understanding what the fuck is actually going on in this world/reality, then our reactions be/become very menial because at the end of the day were only trying/attaining/attempting to make everything easier for ourselves to ease the guilt/shame that we experience to never take the practical-action to when/as were realizing what is actually going on in this world/reality, so, we can continue moving on within and as our lives until something/someone wakes up from our so called Life to actually take the stance within and as ourselves, "Till here no further."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deviate/manipulate my self-responsibility to be/become my own reminder to actually see, realize and understand who I am/could be in a moment to actually investigate how/why I've allowed myself to need/require someone/something to actually move myself - from the perspective of realizing within and as myself that I merely been self-creating a scapegoat for myself to sit on my ass when/as everything seems to be going fine and dandy because I am not be/becoming my own reminder that not applying myself to the best of my ability to valid because my outer-reality isn't showing/revealing the abuse I apparently need/require to move myself within and as this physical reality - I now see, realize and understand that this justification/excuse is completely bullshit and only is another confirmation just how brainwashed we as human beings have become - I've allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I can only move myself if/when I'm being reminded just how much we have abdicated our self-responsibility to actually move ourselves within and as this physical reality, and so myself apparently needing/requiring someone/something to remind me how fucked up we have become is completely unacceptable because I am in essence not actually looking at myself within and as self-honesty - because if actually understood who I have been/what I have become throughout my life, then that is all the reminder I need/require to move myself - step by step - moment by moment - breath by breath - I now realize that I must be/become self-disciplined to the point that if/when anything comes my way I remain here within and as breath like a rock to take the stance within and as myself that there is absolutely no choice/decision to walk this process to the best of my ability - because no matter if I like it or not I am already/have always been walking this process of Equality & Oneness, only it has taken me up to now to realize how much I've given value and definition to what I need/require to move myself within and as this physical reality - I do NOT accept or allow myself to make excuses/justifications to what I apparently need or don't need in this process - because I allow myself to take my power back to myself to understand that if I continuously live my life based on my physical reality I will be freaking doomed to ever stand here as breath, No Matter What, and so I in-fact STOP myself to realize that I MUST be/become the self-directive principle of my life to realize that there is absolutely no choice/decision to walk this process because I remind myself in every moment of every breath to stand here, eternal, for those that have absolutely no voice in anyway, whatsoever - Nobody needs/requires a reminder to actually live here as breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe and perceive that I need/require someone/something to realize myself - instead of actually realizing for myself that the moment that I allow myself to limit/enslave myself to/towards my outer-reality there is absolutely no self-realization possible - because I made the choice/decision to determine who I am/could be because of someone/something reminding me to actually motivate myself in every moment of every breath to be/become my own reminder, and so the moment I think/believe and perceive that I must have a reminder from someone/something, I am in actuality taking my power away from myself because I am determining who I am/could be on someone reminding me to actually change myself - to in essence realize for myself that the moment a self-realization be/becomes something to rely on from someone/something, I am then fucking with myself because I made the choice/decision to not be/become my own reminder because I was in actuality already in my mind - I now see, realize and understand that motivation is here in every moment of every breath to realize for myself that realization is here when/as I am taking the stance within and as myself to NOT be/become a limitation/slave to myself because I've never actually had the guts to rely on myself to educate who I am/could be - because I was so afraid of what would happen if I found that if I always needed/required someone/something to remind me to make the choice/decision to stand here as breath, eternal - then that would mean that my entire life I was lying to myself purposely/deliberately just so I can continuously live the lie I actually thought/believed was apparently true.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that that I've been deviating/manipulating myself to take self-responsibility - because I've allowed myself to be/become dependent to remind me who I am/have become throughout my life that it would take an article or documentary to remind me how I've been living a complete lie - even then I don't allow myself to get the hint that my outer-reality was showing/revealing to myself that abusive shit is happening for we as humanity to actually take the stance within and as ourselves to stop crucifying ourselves - to STOP doing everything in our delusional power to NOT realize just how much we have removed ourselves from this world/reality that it takes something/someone to be abused in someway for ourselves to actually get the hint that it's actually time to take our power back to ourselves to no longer need/require someone/something to understand how we have been limiting/enslaving ourselves for absolutely nothing, I mean, at the end of the day were trying/attaining/attempting to still have our self-interest, but even then the self-interest does absolutely nothing in the interest of self - because it will lead to immense regret (usually) to not actually take advantage of the life we actually didn't live in the first place - therefore - I now see, realize and understand that it's completely unacceptable for myself to live my life in complete suppression/hiding to simply realize that I must change myself to remind myself in every moment of every breath that if I need/require someone/something to remind me to actually change myself, then what have I become? No judgment needed - I allow myself to be/become humble in this process of Equality & Oneness to forgive myself and others as myself unconditionally - because at the end of the day it is unconditional forgiveness and honesty for there to ever be a chance for there to be Heaven on Earth - to actually love thy neighbor as thyself - therefore - deviating/manipulating ourselves for eternity is pointless/meaningless because were in essence allowing the abuse to continue until we actually wake up from this lie we call Life, and until we remind ourselves in every moment in every moment that were part of the abuse in this world/reality - The Nightmare will continue, so, I allow myself to walk my talk to actually walk this process of Equality & Oneness.
To Be Continued...