Saturday, August 4, 2012
Day 18: There is NOTHING to Search for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to the I am a good person character to purposely/deliberately not face who I actually become - to what I have allowed myself to be and become one and equal as - because I was too busy suiting myself up to/towards projecting myself as the magnificent God-like being, in other words the I am a good person character to justify/excuse myself to just how evil I have become to not face ALL of what I've allowed within and as me - because I knew within myself that I was suiting/hiding/suppressing the actuality of myself to not in-fact see, realize and understand that I've become a mere character to prove to myself that I have morality - that possibly Life will go easy on me because I'm trying/attaining/attempting to be and become an apparent good person, wherein - I was only trying/attaining/attempting to cover up what I've become - to not in-fact understand that I have allowed everything in this world to occur and so I just suit/suppress/cover what I've created up to not face myself because of thinking/believing its easier to just lie/suppress/hide to myself because of not wanting to face the atrocity I've become - not wanting to place myself one and equal to/towards the Murderer - not wanting to place myself one and equal to/towards the Rapist - not wanting to place myself one and equal to/towards The Con Artist - not wanting to place myself one and equal to/towards myself - not wanting to place myself one and equal to/towards Life - I now see, realize and understand that I was merely projecting myself to be and become special/superior/important to a CharACTer that will somehow make everything peachy for myself to not in-fact understand that this world//reality is everything of myself - only I was too busy in LaLa Land to understand that no CharACTer can justify/excuse me to not take self-responsibility and that somehow I can redeem myself by/through projecting myself as this magnificent being - that somehow people would feel my love and light and that would make up for not standing up when there are people being abused in every possible way - therefore - I continue lying to myself because of this one point to understand that if a CharACTer could somehow change this world/reality then this physical reality would be in a completely different condition and so I allowed myself to think/believe/deceive myself that being a good person would change what I've created - that it would somehow change the complete Evil of myself - that it would change the fact to never face myself.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to face myself because of trying/attaining/attempting to hide/suppress what I've allowed myself to be and become by/through projecting myself as this good person when in actuality I knew within myself that I was nothing more and nothing less than a complete liar because I used/abused so many breaths/chances/opportunities to not face ALL of me - therefore - I allowed myself to spend many wastes breaths/chances/opportunities to in-fact understand myself as Life because I was scared shitless to what I would see - I would see everything I've become - I would see what I've accepted and allowed and I would ultimately see myself - within this I become fearful because I've never knew myself - because all what I have ever known is a CharACTer to hide/suppress what I've become deliberately/purposely for not knowing what would happen if I were to be self-honest with myself to see, realize and understand the truth of myself - not wanting to place myself one and equal to/towards myself - not wanting to place myself one and equal to/towards Life - not wanting to place ultimately in the shoes of another that are being abused in so many ways because I knew if I were to be self-honest about placing myself in the shoes of another that would be my point of no return - I would realize myself - I now see, realize and understand that I can no longer suppress/hide who I am/could be because of trying/attaining/attempting to justify the true nature of myself to ever express/share myself to walk this process to my utmost potential - to get my head out out of my ass to understand that if I were the one that was being abused I would certainly want someone to stand up as all as one and equal to in-fact create life on Earth - if I was the one that was living on the streets and that would be my normal - that would be my life - I would certainly want someone to finally in-fact stand up to what we've become - therefore - justifying/excusing myself to what I actually am at this point is completely pointless/meaningless because I have been hiding/suppressing myself to excuses/justifications my entire life and waiting/wasting time to wake up is pointless because I wasted/waited another breath/chance/opportunity to stand up for Life - to in-fact stand up for what I've become - I do not accept or allow myself to die and wonder what if - because of not taking that one breath/chance opportunity that would allow me the door of opportunity to realize the potential of me - The Truth of Me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste/wait for another breath/chance/opportunity that would magically allow me to see myself - only it always involved being a good person - to always try/attain/attempt to be and become an idea/belief of what good is - not seeing, realizing and understanding that we as humanity are evil to/towards always wasting/waiting for some experience to allow ourselves to wake up - within this I'm not understanding that humans have been doing this for generations - always trying/attaining/attempting to find/search for ourselves within experience that will magically allow ourselves to be and become some fucking Saint - We've been allowing ourselves to live our lives to experiences to define ourselves as something good/bad based on a mere experience - therefore - Experience has become my God to not in-fact stand up to see, realize and understand that as long as I live my Life based on some Experience I am never going to find myself - because I am already here and have always been here - therefore - Experience is merely separation to always strive to be more based on my outer-reality - to always in-fact define and give value to the energetic experience I'm experiencing and if everything does/doesn't go to plan I'll still find/search for myself within the Experience to always trying/attain/attempt to be and become a Good Person - therefore - When and as I'm searching/finding something within an experience I'm actually finding/searching for myself that has/always been here in every moment of every breath waiting patiently for myself to not waste/wait for another breath/chance/opportunity to finally in-fact reach the Door of Opportunity - to finally realize the Truth of myself - There is nothing to search/find because I have/always been here - I do not accept to allow myself to live my life trying/attaining/attempting to be and become a mere idea/belief of morality - of the Good Person Character to always separate myself from simply being here because of looking for myself in an Experience that was inevitably another Door of Opportunity to realize that every breath/chance/opportunity was/has always been in-fact Here - therefore - No more waiting/wasting Time for something that has always been Here - No CharACTers needed.