Monday, August 20, 2012
Day 31 - Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire
This is a continuation to Day 30: BULLSHIT IS BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH!
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the difference between self-honesty and honesty because I was too busy manipulating others and ultimately myself to always act in my self-interest to be/become honesty when/as it fits the situation and makes everything easier for the person and yet again myself - within this I have never understood that what is always easier or more difficult is ludicrous because if I live my Life based on what is apparently more acceptable within and as myself I'm allowing limiting/enslaving myself to who I am/could be because of always self-creating these idea/beliefs of what will make my life flow more because it was never about my anyone/anything outside myself because it was always me at the end of the day that decided that I can only live my life within and as honesty when it suits others/the situation and ultimately always myself, and so it was never self-honesty because I didn't make the decision to stand here as breath as self-expression because I claimed/assumed/perceived that its not the easier route - therefore - I have self-created the idea/belief that honesty is needed to always justify/excuse myself to not actually make the decision to stand here as breath as self-expression, and so I would do everything in my delusional power to maintain the idea/belief that I must use/abuse honesty when/as it makes myself look better to others wherein it was never about anyone else but how I actually have diminished myself to not ever just be content to stand here as breath as self-expression to be/become a self-honest being that in the end actually cared about caring for Life - to in-fact take action to no longer spew shit to others to maintain a delusion that oneself is being honest wherein I was only manipulating myself to be/become someone that only in the end was some idea/belief I self-created within and as my mind of what it means to be honest - I now see, realize and understand that I have been wasting/waiting/postponing my life/process because I have always used/abused honesty to be/become someone that has morality to always do the right thing because I was always trying/attaining/attempting to reach some idea/belief that I self-created within and as my mind for what it means to apparently be/become honest, and so I never investigated what it means in practical-application to understand that self-honesty is the only way I will ever have any morality because I actually had considered what is Best for All - therefore - what was moral in the first place to myself was spewing shit to others to make it easier for myself to continuously spend my life/process lying because its apparently the easier way out to ever consider/take into consideration that in the end I only cared about not caring about Life but to maintain my Li (f) e that I'm being honest and I'm some benevolent chick that actually considered the majority - I do not accept or allow myself to continue fucking with myself and others to try/attain/attempt to be/become someone that in the end was only reaching/searching/finding some self-image within and as honesty that never existed in the first place because at the end of the day I was only feeding into my own bullshit that I was doing the right thing - There never is a right or wrong thing when it involved being self-honest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe I'm doing the right thing by manipulating others and ultimately myself because I was doing everything in my delusional power to maintain/hold onto the idea/belief that I'm doing the right thing by/through being honest - within this I have never considered/taken into consideration that I'm manipulating anyone or myself within and as self-honest because I believed/deceived myself that I'm helping everyone else in the process in my outer-reality because they won't be able to handle my self-honesty, and so being self-honest doesn't mean opening my mouth and causing conflict from a starting-point that only involved myself wanting/desiring to prove to others and ultimately myself that I'm changing because obviously change does not equal voicing myself others from a reactive starting-point to actually suppress/hide to see into and as myself that I'm in actuality never doing the right thing or wrong thing because I was stuck into polarities of the mind of who to be/not to be because I was always trying/attaining/attempting to reach a self-image of what honesty in practical-application means because I never actually investigated how/why I've been not living who I am/could be in process because I was too busy opening my mouth to others because I wanted/desired to spew shit to others that I never actually understood in the first place because all what I cared about at the end of the day was being/becoming self-righteous that my behavior to be honest to fuck with others/myself is acceptable/justifiable/excuseable to forevermore remain acting like some benevolent chick that never in the end cared about caring about life - to in-fact stand here as breath as self-expression - because it was in the end never about Life but myself to lie my ass off to screw any chance/opportunity I had to always live my Li (f)e in actual self-honesty - I now see, realize and understand that I was only trying/attaining/attempting to voice myself in the first place because I wanted/desired to cover up/suppress the point that I'm in actuality not changing in anyway but I would assume/perceive/claim that by merely voicing something that I normally wouldn't say doesn't mean that I'm being/becoming a self-honest human being but that I'm merely turning change into a CharACTer because it was always about do everything in my delusional power to think/believe that everything is peachy because everyone is reacting to my apparent self-honesty wherein it was never self-honest from the get go because I was speaking from a starting-point of wanting/desiring to change that only involved an idea/belief of what change in practical application implies - I do not accept or allow myself to continue fucking with myself to maintain the delusion that voicing myself in the moment means I'm being self-honest because in the end I was being/becoming honest to my own idea/belief of what change actually means as standing here as self-expression in the moment, and so I have to consider/take into consideration that I never been honest from the get go so I must be patient with myself to understand that the morality to life doesn't come in one moment because I have spent my life self-creating honesty as manipulating myself and others and so its going to take just as long to actually understand what self-honesty in practical- application standing here as self-expression means.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT consider/take into consideration that self-honesty is not built in one moment but its a process of accumulation because obviously everything has steps to how its created and so it wasn't just formed out of nowhere - within this I allow myself to understand that self-honesty is accumulated the more I'm here standing as self-expression by/through breathing in every moment, and so I have to push myself because the only other choice I have is self-honesty or self-dishonesty at this point - therefore - I have never understood that honesty was actually self-dishonesty because honesty was never about telling the truth because it always was about my starting-point of FEAR of punishment/consequence that I allowed to hold me back in the moment, and so when believed/deceived myself that I'm doing the right thing in the moment by/through being honest I was actually being self-dishonest because it was only spewing shit to others to make everyone perceive me in the way I wanted them to see - I now see, realize and understand that if I choose to make the decision to be honest its purely for my own self-interest because I now know that honesty only involve telling the truth when it apparently fit the situation or person to maintain the idea/belief I'm I'm some fucking benevolent chick that is always doing the right thing, and so I was actually telling tons of lies because I was in essence just another pathological liar walking this Planet - I do not accept or allow myself to be/become another fucked up liar because this is the last thing this world/reality needs at this moment - When and as I see myself trying/attaining/attempting to be/become honest, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that I was in the end lying my ass off because at the end of the day I was only making myself feel better about lying to myself to cover up/suppress the FEAR of punishment/consequence that I have allowed to hold me back in the moment to in-fact accumulate self-honest - step by step - breath by breath - A Process of Accumulation.