This is a continuation to Day 31 - Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become someone that is dishonest because I question/don't understand why/how I have to be honest in a dishonest world/reality in the first place, I mean my entire starting-point of being honest in the first place wasn't even about honesty because I would look at the situation/person and analyze/interpret if its easier for myself to lie my ass off to the person because my pre-programmed survival-instinct kicks in and all I care about at the end of the day is my own self-interest to what will make me look better or what will make me look like a pathological liar - within this I have never considered/take into consideration that if were doing everything in our delusional power to maintain our self-interest because of what is apparently easier or more difficult for ourselves were essentially all pathological liars at the end of the day because we never gave a fuck about self-honesty to understand that if I'm not living the principle of what is Best for All I'm obviously dishonest - therefore - when/as I'm lying to myself by/through deliberately/purposely telling myself that I'm doing the right thing because of morality I'm self-creating a back-door for myself to ever consider/take into consideration that all what I've known about honesty was a sham because it was never about making a decision that is Best for All but want will make me look better that is Best for Nobody in the end, and so I was only fueling/powering some fucked up idea/belief of what honesty in practical-application means - I now see, realize and understand that I was completely justifying/excusing myself to continue being dishonest because I buried myself in ideas/beliefs about what honesty means, and so I completely lost myself because I merely wanted/desired to survive in this world/reality, I mean, this is what this world/reality has become: A feeding frenzy for all of us to survive and compete for who has the best moral standing to always be the best in doing good deeds because honesty was always some self-image to make myself look like some fucking benevolent chick that was in actuality feeding/fueling/powering bullshit to remain just another pathological liar because apparently its easier - I do not accept or allow myself to continuously screw myself over and others in the process because I merely wanting to survive for want apparently made everything more bearable for myself, and so I was fucking with myself the entire time that I was being a good little girl because self-honesty will hurt everyone and everything in my outer-reality, obviously self-honesty can be applied silently in every moment to decide rather I'm in my mind fucking with myself or actually making the decision to let go of who I was to actually be/become a human being deciding to live by the principle of Equality & Oneness.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I was never/have never in my entire life been a moral being that is honest because I was merely feeding/fueling/powering the idea/belief that I have been doing the right thing because I was taught throughout my life that telling the apparent truth was good and lying would make me a very bad little girl - within this I never had considered/taken into consideration that I have been nothing more and nothing less than a complete pathological liar because I was in actuality lying my ass off when I was telling the apparent truth because I feared what would happen if the grown ups seen me caught into and as my own lie because I feared punishment/consequence, and so honesty was my survival guide to not getting into any trouble because I was scared shitless of what would happen if I no longer lived by the survival instinct that was programmed into and as me when I was a child - therefore - I would interpret/analyze the situation/person to see if it fit my self-interest to lie or be honest and so it was completely pointless/meaningless playing the polarity mind-fuck game about what is right/wrong because the entire time it was always at the end of the day not what supported what is Best for All Life and so I was only fucking with myself the entire time because morality didn't exist within and as me in any shape/form and so I was lying to everyone and ultimately myself that its acceptable because I was apparently telling the truth because I accepted my life to be nothing more and nothing less then a load of bullshit because I was merely trying/attempting/attaining to be/become some idea/belief of honesty that never actually existed in the first place - I now see, realize and understand that I was merely another fucked up liar that I actually feared to be/become and so I would so everything possible to maintain the idea/belief that I'm the good one because didn't want to face the fact that everything known was just another lie - I do not accept or allow myself to continue feeling/powering/fueling from my own bullshit to make myself look better to attain morality that only involved justifying/excusing myself to remain just another Slave/CharACTer - When and as I see myself interpreting/analyzing a situation/person by/through looking at all the past outcomes that came from me being honest or self-dishonest, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that looking at my past as references to why/how I should/shouldn't be a honest is just another CharACTer because I was trying/attaining/attempting to do everything in my delusional power to not be/become the person that I feared that was in actuality always myself because it was what I allowed myself to limit/enslave myself as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at picture of my past as CharACTers as my survival guide to when to be honest or dishonest because I would look at the possible outcomes that came about from either lying my ass off or either telling the truth from a starting-point of FEAR - within this it was always about suppressing/hiding from the FEAR because I feared what would/wouldn't happen if the grown ups caught me in a lie and so my memory database would be the perfect survival of the fetus to always remain just another pathological liar - I now see, realize and understand that I was merely accessing more CharACTers because at the end of the day I wasn't be true to myself in any shape/form because I was reacting in immense FEAR because I didn't know how to live my life without looking at all the possible outcomes of my past of when to actually be honest or not, and so I was only bullshitting myself because it was never about self-honesty because I became my own worst enemy for not wanting to see, realize and understand that my life was a lie because I was responsible - I was the liar and was in no way moral - I allowed myself to hide/suppress who I became because I didn't know who else to be/become because I never allowed myself to simply be here - I do not accept or allowing myself to be/become my worst enemy because my memories of CharACTers became a part of me to such an extent that I didn't know how to live anymore for all that I known was knowledge/information to always do what was apparently easier in the end, and so Life isn't about what is harder and easier its simply what must be done to allow one day for all the children to come to not become a bullshitter just like me - No more Lies!!!!
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