I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume/perceive that God will reward us for the pain that we experience/participate in purposely/deliberately to gain/receive some reward/compensation for keeping our faith/hope, sort of speak - when in actuality all what we were doing was finding something/someone outside ourselves to get somewhere/receive/gain something for our own self-interest because we never take into consideration what is best for all - therefore - what we then do is prioritize our time-management to what will purposely allow us to win something/someone for our self-interest and so I never had taken into consideration what is best for all life - to do anything possible to allow this world to be and become a world that is best for all life because I was too busy waiting/wasting time/Life/Process because of thinking/believing God will save me from all this pain and since I'm not apparently giving on myself because I'm still being scared shitless of actually trusting myself - I then I allow myself to remain perpetuating/compounding the point that I'm always the one at the end of the day that is fucking up my Life because of a mere idea/belief that somehow our pain will be worthwhile and we will be rewarded for our faithfulness when were suffering - therefore - I now see, realize and understand that I was merely only considering what is best for myself to fuel/power my self-interest to do everything in my delusional power to remain thinking/believing God must save us because were suffering all this pain, I mean let's say in some other fucked of universe that God existed and we actually continued to push through our pain because of God to gain/receive something then this is just a mere confirmation of how we have fucked up our starting-point to always want/desire something because of getting somewhere/receive/gain something - I do not accept or allow myself to continuously think/believe that God is going to save our asses because of placing/projecting faith/hope onto some illusionary being outside ourselves that was actually ourselves from the very beginning - meaning, we were the ones that we were waiting for because we knew all along that we were already giving up on ourselves in every possible way because of never placing trust to/towards ourselves, AS ourselves - For ourselves to give ourselves back to ourselves.
When and as I see myself participating in self-interest to maintain my enslavement/limitation/CharACTers in relation to wanting/desiring compensation to/towards pain, I stop and I breathe I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that if the people that are suffering from famine (etc) are going through so much pain then wouldn't that imply that God is one nasty fucker because he is in no way rewarding/giving compensation to/towards the ones that are living in preposterous situations and if we assume/perceive there is some sort of test we are stating that Earth is a test of winning/losing to continue allowing pain - therefore - this is merely perpetuating/compounding the abuse in this world to always place/project pain as this euphoria that is going to apparently allow ourselves to not give up on ourselves - not see, realizing and understanding that we as human beings have given up on ourselves quite some time ago because the mere fact that were using/abusing pain as this mental-masturbation to continue thinking/believing some God is going to save us is just another confirmation of how fucked up we've become.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that assuming/perceiving that if we're all Saints that everything will be fine and dandy because we placed our hope/faith onto something outside of ourselves to save our asses from the pain, that someday someone/something will save the ones that did everything in their delusional power to push through their mind illusion that if we just keep on pushing through over and over again that eventually someone/something will come to save us - therefore - I never had taken into consideration that we as human beings have been having this mind-set for generations to generations that someday someone/something will magically help us because we were too busy participating/experiencing hope/faith that one day someone may care enough to save us because of thinking/believing there is reason/purpose for why/how everything has become so fucked up to the point wherein we think/believe that we did something wrong along the way - within this we never considered/taken into consideration that its not about being wrong/right but looking at the simply patterns of human beings throughout the years to understand that all what we been doing is sitting on our asses, hoping for someone to save our asses because we knew along that we were responsible/are responsible because we wouldn't of hidden/suppressed the point of waiting/wasting/postponing our lives to maintain the Lies of remaining another slave/CharACTer because that's all we ever known - I now see, realize and understand that playing the game of the generations in the past is pointless/meaningless because this isn't just about standing up to change myself for my own puny self-interest its about changing myself as All as One as Equal for the many children to come - therefore - ONE LIFE can change many more in the future for children to have the certainty to express themselves unconditionally and we must ask ourselves the question would I want the children to come be placed in my position that I am now in this world/reality or even being in the position wherein there are many living their lives with no basics to survive and that's Life to them - Is this acceptable?
When and as I see myself placing faith/hope into someone/something saving our asses to all the pain, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that it was never about myself but myself as All as One as Equal to bring about a world that is Best for All, wherein - the certainty to live here in this physical reality is absolute because at the moment children everyday are being abused in so many ways and we consider this a way of Life - therefore - I allow myself to apply the 4-count breath because this is not about myself trying/attaining/attempting to be forgiven by God to receive some compensation/reward because this process is about ourselves realizing the actual potential of who we are/could be to Re-Birth ourselves not only for ourselves but ourselves as those that cannot give as they would like to receive because of not having the resources to walk this process of walking out of the mind and into the physical - Therefore, its up to us to stand for All as One as Equal - breath by breath - step by step - A Process of Accumulation.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to consider/take into consideration that since I have always been fortunate enough to grow up in a family with the essentials to live that I am responsible for the children to come to not have to play the reward game to hope/put faith into someone/something because of not willing ourselves to reward ourselves to give ourselves Life because I was too busy creating a Utopia within and as my mind that God was going to come and save us all that are good (apparently) and fuck the rest of everyone because of course I only care about my self-interest to gain some sort of compensation/reward for being an abusive fucker - therefore - I now see, realize and understand that this world/reality when/as living in the Elite it can be quite easy to blind yourself by/through all the Utopia shit that I spew because I disliked this world/reality so much that I didn't stand up to change to for future generations to come because I was too busy playing the game of you scratch my back I scratch yours because I never gave a fuck about anyone else but maintaining my self-interest to get what I want/desire - I do not accept or allow myself to continue playing these ideas/beliefs of what Life should/shouldn't be because I was too busy doing everything in my delusional power to detach myself from what is actually happening in this world/reality to the extent wherein I would put faith/hope into come God that will absolutely love me so much because I played his game to finally win all my prizes for pushing through the pain - therefore - the only thing I was actually doing was pushing away the pain because all I wanted to do was stay as far away from myself as possible to not see into myself because I knew what I've become.
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