This is a continuation to Day 9: The Isolated Mute, Day 10: I CANNOT Speak! and Day 11: Sharing is Caring
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/assume that writing myself to freedom is something that I'm not capable to walk because I think/believe that I must be a phenomenal writer - within this I'm limiting/enslaving myself to an idea/belief/perception about someone wording letters together to make or break someone to have a self-realization, I mean this is about writing for myself to walk myself out of my mind to not live as a CharACTer for the rest of my life and allow myself to in-fact be a real living, breathing - human being that isn't writing to strive/crave for other people's validation to what/how I write because writing is a gift for myself to unravel the memories within and as my mind to slowly but surely take my power back to myself to no longer live my life suiting/limiting/enslaving myself to a mere idea/belief/perception that never stood the chance to/towards what I am/could be capable of because I am always here in every moment of every breath constant/consistent - therefore - NOTHING can hold power over me - because I hold power in every moment of every breath to unravel myself to write myself to freedom and accept in complete humbleness that I'm perfectly capable of writing myself to freedom - to slowly but surely see, realize and understand that I can only ever be a phenomenal writer if I'm here in every moment of every breath writing for myself - AS myself - to understand in-fact that the wording of my sentences do not sentence me to live to always live my words to someone's idea/belief/perception of what makes or breaks a writer - therefore - all the beautiful apparent words/grammar do not mean anything because it was never about walking out of my mind into the physical to see the potential I can possibly be and so it was always about attaining/attempting to get the next big fix to never in-fact reaLIzE that all words I've ever been living was just another CharACTer - therefore - all I ever known was these letters to deliberately/purposely deceive others to think/believe I'm a benevolent being because I have these perfect words to fuck with you and so all what I was doing was fucking with myself to find/search for the next big fix to never realize how/why I've been looking everywhere but here to understand that there is nothing to prove - nothing to fight for - because every word is alive and its time for me to be - No more hiding behind words - I now see, realize and understand that I'm merely wasting/waiting my process to freedom to in-fact because a real living, breathing - human being because of manipulating ultimately others and myself behind words because I am scared shitless to face myself to understand that I have to live my words and its the only way I can become Life, I mean all what I have ever known has been complete deception because my entire Life I've been hiding behind words to please/give validation to/towards others and myself - therefore - sharing/expressing myself within and as words has always been something to hide behind and so I know absolutely nothing about writing my words to actual Living Words because I have been stuck within and as knowledge/information to always think/believe that I am missing something to the written word but the truth of me has always been I am missing myself here writing in every moment of every breath - The Living Word.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT write here in every moment of every breath to ensure that I don't continue living the LI (f) E of me - to in-fact stand up and breathe - I now see, realize and understand that if I consistently/continuously use/abuse writing myself to freedom to strive/crave for other people's validation to what/how I write then I know that I've been in every possible way deliberately/purposely not facing the truth of myself but only hiding behind these words to never in-fact change myself - to in-fact become a responsible human being that doesn't write these living words to the death of me because of not willing myself to understand that we as human beings have been writing ourselves to our graves for generations to always write for the next big fix to never in-fact see how/why we've been basing our entire words to how other people see ourselves because I haven't been allowing myself to see myself in any shape/form - therefore - I've been spending my life/process being scared shitless in FEAR because all gloves would come off if I were to really live my words as the expression of myself - because I am quite aware that I could be much more if I allow myself to live my words as the expression of myself in every moment of every breath to in-fact reach my utmost potential to be and become The Living Word - I now see, realize and understand that I am very much capable to remain here as breath to write myself to freedom to ensure I don't spend my Life in FEAR to ensure that I don't have to face the truth of me and so FEAR has governed my entire life/process and has become a separate part of myself because I have allowed myself to limit/enslave myself to/towards the words that I'm typing here in this moment - therefore - I understand that FEAR has become the perfect scapegoat for myself to not face myself in my words because of always thinking/believing that I'm not capable/good enough to write myself to freedom, wherein - this was actually another perfectly placed justification/excuse for myself to always live my life separate from my words within and as inferiority because of assuming/perceiving that I must be a phenomenal writer to ever be able to write myself to freedom and so I was placing a perfect picture of how/why writing should/shouldn't be and would place myself on a pedestal to never in-fact see, realize and understand that why/how I sentence my words has nothing to do within and as self-realization but only another CharACTer to suit/enslave/limit myself as to never in-fact understand that I've only been sentencing myself to my grave to never in-fact write myself as the Living Word - one step away from the Door of Opportunity to reaLIzE that every word is alive - I am in-fact Alive - Time to ACT like it for REAL.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see, realize and understand that I have the power in every moment of every breath to unravel myself to freedom - to in-fact understand that writing doesn't require some benevolent words but the starting-point to assist/support myself to realize that I have the power to write myself to freedom as I'm typing these letters to sentence a self-realization to in-fact understand that writing doesn't require some apparently beautiful letters/grammar but the starting-point to see how I've separated myself from Life/Myself in every possible way - therefore - the solution/gift is to type/write everything out to slowly but surely understand that I can only ever be a phenomenal writer if I'm here in every moment of every breath writing for myself - AS myself - TO myself - that the perfectly placed apparently beautiful letters/grammar have nothing to do with what makes or breaks a writer but the starting-point of knowledge/information to never have the guts to write myself out of my mind and into the physical to finally become the Living Word - because continuing my life writing my words for others validation is pointless/meaningless because it wasn't even about trying/attaining/attempting to get validation from someone/something outside myself but it was always about me purposely/deliberately doing anything in my delusional power to never in-fact stand up to live my words because I was too busy participating and experiencing FEAR to Face the actuality of how I've been manipulating others and ultimately myself to see that I'm much more than a mere CharACTer and I have the power to change who I am/have been within and as words to finally understand that Everything is alive, including words and so its time for me to understand this point that if my words aren't even an expression of/as myself then I have suited/limited/enslaved myself in writing in every possibly way to continue living my Life in complete FEAR to never in-fact understand that I have the power to live my words in every moment of every breath - to become The Living Word - therefore - I now see, realize and understand that why/how I sentence my words has nothing to do with self-realization but my starting-point to reach a point of nothingness to in-fact walk out of my mind into the physical and understanding that I have the power to become Life by/through typing/writing myself out is such a gift because I have always thought/believed that there must always be something outside myself that I must be and become to in-fact realize the Truth of myself - therefore - the entire time I was missing the point that I have the power in every moment of every breath to become the Living Word.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress/hide the point that I have never in-fact written in complete awareness of myself because all I have ever known was these letters to deliberately/purposely deceive others to think/believe I'm a benevolent being because I have these perfect words to fuck with you and so all what I was was fucking with myself to find/search for the next big fix to never realize how/why I've been looking everywhere but here to understand that there is nothing to prove - nothing to fight for - because every word is alive and its time for me to be - within this I was hiding behind the FEAR that have to suit/limit/enslave myself to an idea/belief/perception of what makes or breaks a benevolent writer to never in-fact look at myself in self-honesty to see, realize and understand that I was separating myself from myself to such an extent that I didn't look at the point that I'm purposely/deliberately manipulating others and ultimately myself to never be and become the Living Word and only another CharACTer that will do anything and everything possible to justify/excuse myself from every understanding that all I've been doing my entire life/process is waiting/wasting time because I was scared shitless to ever in-fact reach the point of no return wherein words become the expression of myself in every moment of every breath and have always been a part of me but I was too busy lying/manipulating/fucking with myself to ever reach the point that I am always here and so there is nothing for me to prove - nothing to fight for - because every word is alive and its time for me to realize that I can be as well - I have the power to decide who I am/could be in every moment to understand I have the power to express myself in words, rather it being writing or not - I have the power to become the Living Word - No more hiding!!!!