This is a continuation to Day 37: You Won't Be Alive Forever
drown myself within and as my thoughts for I have allowed myself to have entirely no actual trust in myself to in-fact change - within this I didn't allow myself to understand that I will never be able to trust myself if I'm continuously drowning myself within and as thoughts to assume/perceive that everything is pointless/meaningless, and so I might as well completely forget about trusting myself breath by breath - moment by moment - therefore - I would deliberately/purposely participate and experience myself as someone that has entirely given up oneself/life because I was too busy having a pity party to ever in-fact consider/take into consideration that I cannot ever trust myself if I'm willing myself to completely eradicate my self-responsibility to actually trust myself, I mean, its quite bizarre I'm participating in self-pity within and as growing myself into and as thoughts because I apparently cannot change - change is accumulated breath by breath, step by step, and so myself thinking/believing that trust is magically going to be/become an expression of myself is ludicrous because I now understand that trust must be walked over a period of time to in-fact change myself - therefore - if I'm willing myself to put so much attention to myself not trusting myself, I am in essence not going to trust myself because I have self-created the idea/belief/assumption/perception that trust is something I can attain/find/seek/reach for, wherein - in-fact I was only perpetuating/compounding/powering/fueling my self-interest to play the pity card because I am apparently a victim to trust - I am a victim to myself - I mean, abusing myself simply because I won't will myself to accumulate self-trust is pretty stupid - therefore - I now see, realize and understand that I'm deliberately/purposely participating in thoughts because I've allowed myself to self-manipulate myself within and as the idea/belief/assumption/perception that I apparently cannot change because I think/believe that only certain people can accumulate self-trust, and self-trust can apparently only be realized within and as self by/through something/someone - in this my entire starting-point on trust was never simply moving myself in the moment to in-fact realize that all it takes at the end of the day is a commitment to breath in every moment, and if I miss a breath no self-judgment needed because I allow myself to humble myself to not continuously play the pity card for I have assumed/perceived that I might as feel drown myself in thoughts because I've self-created the idea/belief/assumption/perception that I cannot change myself - I now see, realize and understand that if I self-create the expectation for myself to inevitably fall or any expectation at all that's what I've limited/enslaved myself to be/become, equal and one, and so this starting-point will perpetuate/compound/power/fuel itself sooner or later until I really actually realize that change is here in every moment as breath - therefore - I do NOT accept or allow myself to continue growing myself within and as thoughts from the starting-point that I apparently cannot change - When and as I see myself trying/attaining/attempting to drown myself in thoughts, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that these thoughts have been my perfect scapegoat to not in-fact understand how/why I've allowed myself to self-create backdoors for myself to in actuality trust myself - I commit myself to STOP to be/become self-aware of my breathing by/through apply the 4-count breath for myself to no longer screw with myself that I must punish myself to get out of actually changing myself for real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that only certain people/situations can allow me to actually in-fact trust myself - therefore - I limited/enslaved myself to NOT actually investigate that I was self-creating criteria for how someone suppose to (apparently) attain trust - in this I did not consider/take into consideration that trust cannot be attain because that would mean more separation for myself to not understand that trust is here in every moment of every breath, if I so dare myself to realize this actualization to in-fact bring about change within and as myself - to understand that its not about anyone or anything, and so nothing can give me confirmation or validation that I'm changing, I change myself here within and as this moment, slowly but surely - I allow myself to in-fact trust myself as All as One as Equal - I now see, realize and understand that trying/attaining/attempting to be/become trust from an outside source is ludicrous because I understand that I'm able to assist/support myself, slowly but surely, to in-fact self-trust myself fro real within and as writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application, breathing and actually living my words to actually change for real - When and as I see myself limiting/enslaving myself by/through thinking/believing that only certain people/situations can allow me to trust myself, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that there is no criteria within and as committing myself to Life to in-fact trust myself to simply be/become aware of my breathing - I commit myself to really in-fact trust myself because I now understand there is nothing special/superior/important that I need/require because my process is here within and as this moment, and so I allow myself to let the bullshit stop by/through in-fact committing myself to this process of walking out of my mind and into this physical reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate and experience myself as someone that is limited/enslaved to/towards self-pity because I'm apparently hopeless/uselessness - I assume/perceive that I'm inferior to change, and that I don't have what it takes to change myself to in-fact self-trust myself - in this I have diminished myself to ever take my power back to myself to in essence actually take the practical-application required for myself to really commit myself to this process - therefore - I have been merely screwing with myself the entire time because I've been too busy drowning myself within and as thoughts because I have compromised myself in every possible way to in actuality no longer continue playing the self-sabotage game to always pity myself - I allowed myself to diminish myself purposely/deliberately because I'm absolutely fearful of coming out of my cocoon of self-diminishment to in-fact wake up from this time-loops of never being the change - I now see, realize and understand there is nothing to fear because I am here, and so self-judgment has merely been my mind-game to remain inferior to change because its all I ever know, I have become comfortable to enslavement/limitation and is another confirmation how much we've diminished ourselves to in actuality get off our asses to walk this process of walking out of the mind and into this physical reality - therefore - When and as I see myself limiting/enslaving myself to walk this process within and as self-pity, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand I was only manipulating others and ultimately myself to ever consider/take into consideration that THINKING is how I've allowed myself to judge myself in every possible way to the extent that I do absolutely nothing to move myself within and as this physical reality - I commit myself to trust myself for the first time in my life by/through actually walking myself out of my mind and into this physical because its only until then do I understand that trust comes by consistent application, and so I have only been playing the pity card to do do everything in my delusional power to not trust myself to simply be here.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I'm not a victim to trust, I am only a victim to myself because I'm the one that made the choice/decision to drown myself within and as thoughts - in this I didn't consider/take into consideration that its me at the end of the day that decides who I am/could be because I am the Creators that Created my reality, and so its my self-responsibility to be/become the self-directive principle of my Life - therefore - I allow myself to realize that i'm merely trying/attaining/attempting to place/project blame onto something outside myself because I am not willing to accept self-responsibility that I'm a victim to myself, from the perspective I will deliberately/purposely use/abuse myself to maintain my limitation/enslavement, I mean, obviously if I actually allowed myself to walk this process of Equality & Oneness I wouldn't be a victim to trust because trust would naturally be/become apart of myself as an expression of who I am/could be - therefore - I now see, realize and understand that everything within and as my inner-reality I have the power to take the stance within and as myself to in-fact change by/through humbling myself slowly but surely to in actuality trust myself, and so trust obviously cannot be found somewhere because trust is here in every moment of every breath waiting to be/become realization to actual self-change.