Thursday, August 30, 2012

Day 40: I'm Too Scared to See Myself

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that there is absolutely NOTHING I can do or become because everything has been here/always been here, and so what I was actually in-fact doing was trying/attaining/attempting to NOT see myself, I mean - even doing everything in my delusional power to attempt/try/attain to be/become something means that I saw myself all the time, only I didn't like what I was seeing into and as self-honesty and so I suppressed/hid from myself to be/become more than/superior/important/enlightened/special - to never see, realize and understand that I was so afraid of myself to such an extent that I did everything in my delusional power to NOT see into and as myself: Self-Intimacy - therefore - Self-Intimacy was something I never wanted to realize for myself because I actually assumed/perceived that its easier to be/become a slave/charACTer because I've never considered/taken into consideration that if I choose/make the decision to not in-fact see myself into and as Self-intimacy it would be/become harder/difficult for myself because I allowed myself to veil/DIS-COVER myself within and as my mind -tactics so deliberately/purposely that it becomes very easier for myself to make justifications/excuses to never understand that I was separating myself more and more from Self-realization as actually understanding what Self-intimacy in practical-application means to be/become a Self-Willed Equal that doesn't continuously deliberately/purposely enslave/limit oneself because I now see, realize and understand that if I actually in-fact only see myself as a slave/charACTer, I would be another human-being that didn't take the chance/opportunity to actually live in this world/reality completely afraid of ourselves for eternity - I now understand that/becoming a CharACTer isn't all I'm able to be within and as this Life because I allow myself to in-fact consider/take into consideration those that cannot even see themselves at all because they don't have the resources to even consider/take into consideration seeing themselves - to actually walk this process of walking out of our minds and into reality as Self-Willed Equals.

When and as I see myself trying/attaining/attempting to see into and as myself as Self-Intimacy, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that if I am not going to consider/take into consideration seeing into and as myself I'm deliberately enslaving/limiting those who never had the chance/opportunity to in-fact even walk this process of walking out of our mind and into this physical reality - I commit myself to - use common-sense because everything chance/opportunity I miss in a moment its no longer for just myself but for any chance anyone else could walk this process to actually be/become Life by/through walking in this outer-reality to integrate myself in this physical reality to educate myself for there to be any chances for this system to be Equal, and so if everyone did this as myself there would be no chance/opportunity for this world-reality to be/become dignified for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately/purposely enslave/limit myself because that is all I have seen myself as throughout my Life, and so I never had actually considered/take into consideration that I was never seeing myself at all because if I actually did I would of actually stopped participating and experiencing myself as a mere slave/charACTer - within this I actually was quite content my life because a life filled with absolutely no questions to who I am/who have I been within and as thoughts has never been something in my mind because I was always constantly and continuously trying/attaining/attempting to be something more than/superior/important/enlightened/special, and so I would look for knowledge/information outside myself to make myself more than/superior/important/enlightened/special to remain deliberately/purposely enslaving/limiting myself because its all I actually wanted/desired to see within and as myself - in this I didn't in essence want to see that reason why/how I was doing everything in my delusional power to not see myself because I knew within and as myself that I was always and have always been here in this moment, and so when/as I was going something to try/attempt/attain to make myself seem more than/superior/special/important/enlightened I knew all along what I was doing because when someone is always here in every moment doing everything in their power to suppress/hide who they are/have been throughout their Life there is absolutely nothing that can be hidden because everything has always been here - I now see, realize and understand there is nothing for myself to be/become because I was in essence hiding from myself to always maintain this idea/belief/perception/assumption that I was actually be/becoming a better person, wherein - I was only trying/attaining/attempting to be/become something more than/superior/important/enlightened/special that always involved an endless cycle of self-sabotage because when I was (apparently) being/becoming something freaking great I would have to face the polarity and in the end it turned not in my expectations, and so even if I did get something I wanted/desired to make me (apparently) more than/superior/important/enlightened/special it would never be good enough in the end, and so the game of competition/survival becomes a part of myself to such an extent that I do everything in my power to never see myself.

When and as I see myself doing everything in my delusional power to suppress/hide who I am/have been throughout my life and that includes who I am/have been through my life within and as thoughts/feelings/emotions/backchat, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that absolutely nothing can cover up/hide/suppress who I've been/have been throughout my Life because I have/everyone as humanity have been quite aware/always been aware of what were in essence doing to ourselves and this world/reality, and so there is no excuse/justification but to be humble/gentle with ourselves to in essence actually in-fact understand that taking everything personally/judging ourselves for how we have been trying/attaining/attempting to be someone/something that is ( apparently) more than/superior/important/enlightened/special MUST can unconditionally forgiven and taking everything personally/judging ourselves will only allow the abusive cycles to transpire - in this I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I commit myself to - STOP, to in-fact realize that doing everything my power to remain something is completely possible because it was always from the starting-point to be/become a system/program/CharACTer that didn't  in essence consider/take into consideration that the only thing that can remain in all way is what is best for All Life.

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