Day 29: Part 1 - The PATHoLOGICAL Liar
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and participate in honesty to avoid/not face the fact that I'm purposely/deliberately not being honest but I'm avoiding consequence/punishment because of thinking/believing that someone/something will come and get me if I'm not a good little CharACTer – within this I use/abuse honesty for my own self-interest because it was never about assisting/supporting myself to be self-honest to actually trust myself to not lie to myself but the perfect ploy to remain a good little CharACTer that does no wrong because I fear actually facing what would happen if I wasn't bullshitting everyone and ultimately myself, and so I allowed myself to not assist/support myself because I deliberately/purposely allowed myself to allow an emotional reaction of FEAR to over-power me because I knew within myself that I could just bullshit myself and those around me and it would be acceptable to ensure that I remain a Slave/CharACTer that doesn't stand up in anyway because I was too busy worrying about my own self-interest to investigate that self-honesty doesn't mean my world/reality going to shreds because I'm spewing tons of shit but knowing when I'm suppressing/hiding behind expressing/sharing myself in the moment. I now see, realize and understand that I'm deliberately/purposely allowing myself to participate and experience FEAR to not face the fact that I'm suppressing/hiding the fact that I'm here, and so I have the power to be/become the self-directive principle to direct the FEAR within and as me as a flag-point to investigate why/how I'm bullshitting myself and those around me because its apparently easier for myself to never change – I do not accept or allow myself to continue purposely/deliberately being honest from the starting-point of avoiding consequence/punishment – When and as I see myself being honest from the starting-point of trying/attempting/attaining to have morality to avoid punishment, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here – I now see, realize and understand that wanting/desiring to have morality at this point is pretty stupid because all what I've been doing is suppressing/hiding what is actually here and no morality can hide the fact that all what I've been doing throughout my life is doing what is always easier for myself in the system – therefore – I allow myself to take a step back and breathe when/as I see myself trying/attaining/attempting to be/become someone that is apparently moral when all what I have done is avoid/not face the morality at Life in this moment, and so morality doesn't exist in any shape/form because we lose our chances/opportunity/breaths to be/become a self-honest being just because its not easier.I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when/as I'm in the moment spilling my guts out it was from the starting-point of the FEAR that I was participating and experiencing myself as because I feared what would happen if I wasn't honest in the moment – within this its as though I place/project everyone outward in the moment when/as I'm being dishonest as though everyone can tell when I'm lying or when I'm telling the truth and if the person doesn't say anything I think/believe that they already know I'm lying and I'm being tested somehow, and so I would use this throughout my physical reality as a defense mechanism to actually be self-honest -therefore – this apparent lie detector device I created within and as my mind would be my survival guide to seeing when to be honest or when to be self-honest because I was always about my own self-interest to survive in this world/reality because I never allowed myself to realize that we must dress ourselves with CharACTers on purpose to make it in this system because rather we like it or not money rules us all, and so that doesn't mean I have to react in fear because I was merely assisting/supporting myself to be/become financially-stable from that starting-point – I now see, realize and understand that there are certain moments wherein one must dress up certain CharACTers to survive in this world-system but that doesn't mean that self is being dishonest, and so there is no excuse to not be self-honest within and as this world-system because as long as self isn't compromising oneself in the moment in an abusive manner then there really is no excuse to not face anyone at this point because its apparently not easier – I do not accept or allow myself to continuously use/abuse my mind as some lie detector to survive in this world/reality because of my own fear to be self-honest and so if the starting-point is to assist/support financially to be/become a part of the system then the lie detector would be valid to not allow any abusive bullshitt – When and as I see myself assuming/perceiving that someone can tell or not tell when I'm lying, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here – I now see, realize and understand that at the end of the day I'm not some fucking mind-reader and so I allow myself to be/become a part of this world-system from a self-honest starting-point to understand that compromise comes the moment that I'm not here as breath as self-expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a good little CharACTer by/through trying/attaining/attempting to be/become honest wherein I'm actually manipulating myself in the process because I was merely only being honest to tell the apparent truth – therefore – I never considered/take into consideration that if I'm trying to tell the truth from the starting-point of FEAR because it suits the situation and myself to make myself look better I'm only being self-dishonest, and so there is no actual truth from the get go because I never in the end gave a fuck about telling the truth but it was just another form for myself to make myself look better- within this I would do everything in my delusional power to maintain the idea/belief that everything is fine and dandy because I'm apparently being and becoming a better person for always telling the truth from the starting-point that its conveinent for myself to be honest because apparently one has to have certain instances wherein honesty is needed and others I can just lie my ass off because I have never understood what self-honesty in practical-application means and so honesty was just another manipulation point to make myself look like some benevolment chick that was always doing the right thing – I now see, realize and understand that I was merely fucking with myself to maintain the delusional idea/belief hat honesty can only be applied when it makes me look better and when/as everything wasn't going peachy within and as my mind I would be severely pissed off to the point that I would just lie my ass off because I never understood that self-honesty is the key to actually not being and becoming some pathological liar that was only manipulating others and ultimately myself because I would do everything to maintain my self-image that I'm fucking perfect and I'm always doing the right thing – I do not accept or allow myself to continue fucking with myself that I'm some benevolent honest chick, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here – I now see, realize and understand that there is nothing to prove and nothing to be/become because I am here, and so manipulating myself is unacceptable because I was merely trying/attaining/attempting to reach some self-image of honesty that only supported my own self-interest to remain nothing more and nothing less then just another Slave/CharACTer – Fascinating how telling the truth was never about telling the truth but lying my ass off to maintain the idea/belief that I'm just so freaking great!!!!!
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