Honesty for myself was always never about being a self-honest being because I was merely trying/attaining/attempting to have morality - to be/become someone that will do everything in his/her delusional power to maintain the idea that when were in the moment apparently being honest it was always in complete petrification of my own fear because in a moment when I'm claiming/assuming/perceiving that I'm being honest it is in the starting-point that I will be punished or consequence will a wait at my door-step - therefore - its quite fascinating how I have deliberately/purposely allowed myself to spill my guts out, sort of speak - from a starting-point that always involved myself not being true to myself within and self-honesty because I was too busy assuming/perceiving/claiming that I'm the victim to/towards honesty because I'll be punished and consequence will get my ass, wherein - it was always about my own self-interest to use/abuse the whole self-victimization fiasco as the perfect justification/excuse to actually be a self-honest human being because I allowed myself to place/project myself within and as separation to/towards honesty because it turned/transformed into another form for myself to maintain my delusion/illusion that I can never be a self-honest human being because the people in my outer-reality won't be able to take it - therefore - I have never considered/taken into consideration that being a self-honest being does not mean spewing shit to the people in my outer-reality because I'm trying/attaining/attempting to prove something to myself that I'm changing because I'm apparently standing up and so I didn't understand that self-honesty doesn't come within and as spewing words to people but to take each moment within and as breath to be self-honesty when I'm allowing myself to purposely/deliberately allow backdoors for myself to remain nothing more and nothing less then a CharACTer/Slave to ultimately myself to reach my utmost potential. And so its quite fascinating how I have assumed/perceived/claimed that self-honest entails vocalizing myself to others wherein I'm actually trying/attaining/attempting to reach some point of change that always involved an idea/belief/assumption/perception about what it means to be a self-honest being - therefore - Honesty is essentially an idea/belief/assumption/perception in the mind that one is doing the right thing but is merely fueling/powering the mind because the starting-point was always to maintain the illusion/delusion of change because that's what honesty has become - We assume/perceive/claim that when were being honesty there is a change/transformation that occurs because we look at everyone else in our outer-reality and interpret everyone has suppressing/hiding what they actually want to say - therefore - we just remain quiet throughout our lives but when we apparently make the decision to be honest were something special because nobody else seems to be doing it when in actuality were all the same boat within/as our self-dishonesties.Honesty in my case begins with the Parents because you're told that you must be a good little CharACTer/Slave because if you aren't then you will be punished and consequence always equaled bad because you would usually have a lot threats that if you do this then I'm going to do this to you that usually involved getting smacked or being depirved of something that I enjoyed doing as a child – therefore – I would do everything in my delusional power to never being a bad little girl but more then anything it had a lot to do with my self-image at such a young age because I would fear that if I did do something about that the grown ups would think ill of me and so I wouldn't be their favorite good little girl anymore – therefore – I feared the most losing people's ideas/beliefs about who they thought I was and so I self-sabotaged myself throughout my Li (f) e to maintain the delusion/illusion that I wasn't compromising myself in every possible way to express myself because I feared what would happen if I wasn't what my Parents and everyone in my outer-reality apparently wanted/desire me to be/become and so I would spend my Li (f) e being/becoming quite fearful if I were to lose the image that everyone placed/projected onto me – wherein I was losing in the end the actual opportunity it is to be here in this physical reality and share/express ourselves because I would waste/wait for another compliment from someone from my outer-reality to dictate who I am/could be in this Life because I throughout my Life have become so fearful of what would/wouldn't happen if no longer was spending my Life trying/attaining/attempting to be someone/someone that I wouldn't know how to live my Li (f) e anymore – essentially, this is what comes a lot now within/as myself because I made the decision that I can no longer be/become just another CharACTer/Slave because I've never done this and nobody had ever chose to be a self-honest person and so I would at times not know how to live my Life anymore because I would within/as moments think/believe that I have to Live out some manual because that's what I been doing throughout my Life – Living out a manual to/towards what everyone in my outer-reality wanted/desire me to be/become and so I assumed/perceived/claimed that there is only one way to Live and that way is a mere self-image because I never considered/taken into consideration that nobody can know how to live because all what we been doing is knowing to live our lives through and as knowledge/information because we never understood what it in-fact means to live our words to be/become a self-honest being that cares about Life that is Best for All – to no longer allow ourselves to be scared shitless that self-honesty is impossible because it was already a part of ourselves from the very beginning because it always considered what is Best for All Life.
To Be Continued...
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