DAY 74: Comparing Myself to Death

Death found an author writing his life.. Designed & done on stone by E. Hull. Printed by C. Hullmandel. London, Dec. 1827. ihm.nlm.nih.gov/luna/servlet/detail/NLMNLM~1~1~101393235~... read 'Death's Ramble' - a poem by Thomas Hood that these images were drawn for or inspired by www.gutenberg.org/files/15652/15652-h/15652-h.htm#poem_99 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

~Picture of me sitting at the computer, comparing myself to all the other Destonian's writings.

Oh boy, now this image of me sitting on the computer, comparing myself to all the other Destonian's writings I find much resistance writing out, because I in actuality have self-created this point to be something I must be embarrassed about in relation to this particular point. I have never been much of a writer throughout my life, and so I have a lot of confusion about how I am 'suppose' to write. And I can definitely see how I must in essence stop creating all these mixed up perceptions about how I am suppose to write – because really, writing myself out from the starting-point of comparing myself to others writing because I don't know how to write or knew how to write from the get go is pure self-sabotage as self-judgment. Because yes, I have never gathered the tools to write myself out throughout my time in school – but, I am more then able to create my own language to no longer assume/perceive that I must constantly assess other people's writings to see if my structure is good/bad – so I allow myself to simply focus on who I am witihin and as writing to no longer play out unnecessary mind-fucks for myself. So – this definitely ties into why/how I am not living my words at the moment – because I am CONsuming myself by/through the starting-point to reach this place that is apparently acceptable within and as writing and so I have actually bought into the CONsumption to what words have become – knowledge and information to finally reach some solution that will lead to the satisfaction that is only in the end another character/personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing because of the embarrassment I have self-created in relation to comparing myself to other Destonian's writings because I am quite certain that it was irrelevant in the first place, or that I would end up in a time-loop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base who I am within and as writing on comparison to how others are doing, thus never allowing myself to investigate the points that which I knew were bullshit in the first place - but would instead react in embarrassment about who I am within and as writing, but could instead IN-VEST-I-GATE that which I have projected so much resistance to not investigate in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide I am must compare myself to others in relation to writings before I have even understood the gift that is writing, and to thus then react in embarrassment about what I have become in relation to writing because of already believing that I am incompetent within and as writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately/purposely place myself as incompetent within and as writing where I would end up continuously comparing myself to other Destonian's writings to give myself certain values and definitions, but to instead investigate the part that knew that it was all bullshit in the end and thus investigate who I am/could be to no longer react in embarrassment about who I am/have become to in fact LIVE what I am writing out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have secret mind-projections of how i want my writing to be presented as, and when those mind-projections of how I want myself to write meet my mind reality, I react in embarrassment that I should've listened to the voice that called it bullshit in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately/purposely place myself on this pedestal within and as writing - because I am assessing my writing to everyone's else's to see if mine is somehow good/bad, thus giving my power away as being the self-directive principle of my world/reality within and as writing, as I've allowed words to become my worst enemy without realizing that it is I the Creator of my world/reality that allowed myself to become my worst enemy to who I am within and as words to ensure that I remain the same, thus not seeing/realizing/understanding that it is until the I to in fact no longer squander the chance/opportunity that is writing, that I can in fact see the I's to no longer remain a characterization built up to purposely/deliberately break myself down to time-loop over and over, until I am eventually dead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within using/abusing words, accept and allow the inevitable self-abuse, as I am in fact manipulating myself to continuously rely on someone else's words as a reference point, thus not seeing/realizing/understanding that it is I the Creator that can only in the end see who I am within and as my words to stand as my reference-point, within realizing that I am the words I speak - because the words I speak are one and equal as myself, thus giving myself the full self-responsibility that is living our words here in this one life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish who I am/could be within and as writings due to a constant comparison to my writings being acceptable in the I's of my mind which I believed would assist/support myself to finally write myself out, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the cross-referencing of other's writings somehow be the true answer to write myself out to give me the satisfaction that is my acceptance masked into/as how I am projecting my words in the moment to be good/bad, as I only was furthering myself to remain within and as separation in relation to words to continuously compromise/abuse/sabotage who I am/could be within writing, not realizing that the key to finally assisting/supporting myself was in fact mySELF to allow myself to truly LIVE.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to be the self-directive principle of my life, as I was only focusing on what I wasn't doing within and as writing and only placing myself in comparison in the end to assume/perceive that I am assisting/supporting myself - not seeing/realizing and understanding that it is the I's of myself that create characterization within and as me; to be/become a character to never see the I that could in fact see - as this is which is best for all -  anything less than deliberately/purposely not seeing the I's of myself is crazy, as I am actually limiting/enslaving myself to give myself the acceptance that only existed on a mind-energy level.

I commit myself to never accept anything less than who I can actually truly LIVE by/through actually writing myself to freedom - thus I do not allow myself to compare my writings to other Destonian's because of the mind-projections I have self-created within and as my mind, but set myself free through ending the enslavement that I have allowed as my mind to in fact actually write, that which is real and tangible.

I commit myself to - when/as/if an image of me sitting on the computer, comparing myself to all the other Destonian's writings -- I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back HERE, as I now see, realize and understand that I was trying/attaining/attempting to give myself certain values and definitions within and as writing based on the mind-assessment I would gather from other Destonian's writings.

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Day 71: Writing Is Hard (Or Is It?)

Okay, so - I've been having a lot of resistance to writing because I am quite self-aware that I am not changing in fact because I see/realize/understand it's because my current structure of writing is all over the place - not from the perspective of me judging my writings, but from a common-sense perspective that if I see that a point isn't working in my application, I must correct myself to the best of my ability, and so writing in a very looooooong manner doesn't in fact mean I am being specific in anyway, but who I am within and as the starting-point of writing myself out. I also fear that if I start writing out points more simplistically, that I will seen as lazy/undisciplined, which is quite fascinating because my writing from the get go wasn't in fact me actually disciplining myself to the best of my ability because I wasn't living my words - lol. So - I have placed myself in quite a mind-fuck, though I allow myself to get back to reality to in fact see/realize/understand that specificity doesn't in anyway mean or imply having long ass pages of words that I am not living in the first place - so, it's important for me to actually have a tangible structure to work on - to in fact change myself.

Psssshhh - I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders because I am now starting to realize that specificity doesn't in fact mean or imply that I must continuously write out some point that is only merely compounding/fueling/perpetuating by/through jumping from one point to another - not seeing/realizing/understanding what I am actually writing out in the first place because the self-corrective statements weren't tangible and I was too busy judging myself to actually realize what I am forgiving in the first place.

So, in essence I just put myself through a long ass time loop - lol - no worries - and so I allow myself to accept the point as it is to in fact move on, because the self-judgment I have put myself through in relation to writing is extensive and one of the most extensive points I have projected to myself - all because I had this idea/belief about what specificity in relation to writing in fact means. So - I accept in complete humbleness that if it takes me 1 time or a gazillion times to actually have a structure to in fact live here within and as this physical reality, then I accept the lovely challenge to get to know myself over and over, until I am in fact alive.

It's quite fascinating how one can have one idea/belief about something and allow it to continue for an immense amount of time because of this idea/belief, that it leaves the perfect door of opportunity that is writing to be and become a place of sabotage/abuse/compromise to not in fact live our words. Because, - I frankly, don't want to abuse/compromise/sabotage a door of opportunity just because I've placed this idea/belief that writing is somehow "bigger than myself" - not seeing/realizing/understanding that writing becomes "bigger than myself" when/as I am separated myself from who I am/could actually be and become - because I am too projecting all these stupid illusions to writing, and so writing becomes something very difficult in my mind - because I am in fact separate from the words that I am presenting in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear writing as always remaining "bigger than myself."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear writing because of the various unconscious values and definitions I have unconsciously mind-projected to/towards writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project writing as "bigger than myself" and within this I react within and as fear - instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that writing is here as I am here, and so it's irrelevant for me to place certain values and definitions because of Fear of Writing.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have placed and given certain values and definitions to/towards writing, because I haven't allowed myself to trust myself here as the words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to not face myself within and as writing instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that writing is simply writing, unless I am self-creating mind-projections that I have harbored to remain fearing who I am within and as writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self-create the idea/belief that writing is "bigger than myself" because the projections I have harbored to remain thinking, believing and perceiving that writing is needed/required to perfect specificity - instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that perfection is not outside myself, but the purification of/as words to actually walk my talk.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that writing within and as the starting-point of being "bigger than myself" isn't going to assist/support myself to purify my relationship to words, as I am escaping who I am within and as writing to walk my talk, for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create writing as this world "bigger than myself"- and within that allow writing to exist from the starting-point of being hard/difficult/impossible - instead of seeing/realizing/understanding how/why I am allowing myself to get suck in time-loops that only ever involved moving from one energy point to another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that writing is hard/difficult/impossible because I am trying/attaining/attempting to be and become "specific" - not seeing/realizing/understanding that I am reaching outward to purposely/deliberately remain assuming/perceiving that writing is and will always remain "bigger than myself."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purposely/deliberately place myself in time-loops to remain assuming/perceiving that specificity is something outside myself to be and become, and so I am merely moving from one polarity to specificity to not-specificity - either way placing myself in an inevitable time-loop to never in fact face who I am within and as writing - because I have allowed FEAR to consume me in every way possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that specificity implies and/or means writing out long ass statements that I am not even integrating - because I am too busy trying/attaining/attempting to be and become the idea/belief I have unconsciously mind-projected to/towards what specificity in fact means in the first place - not seeing/realizing/understanding that specificity within and as the starting-point of an illusional idea/belief will inevitably lead me to a time-loop that only ever involved more FEAR.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience FEAR to such an extent in relation to writing, that I never actually had made the choice/decision to place what is needed/required into alignment to assist/support myself - instead I've allowed myself to remain experiencing FEAR, because I wanted/desired to reach for a nonexistent specificity that only ever involved an idea/belief, at the end of the day.

When and as I see myself compromising/abusing/sabotaging the door of opportunity that is writing -- I stop and I breathe. I now see, realize and understand that writing is simply writing - unless it involves my own self-creation that involved illusionary mind-projections that never actually had allowed me to live my words as an expression of myself.

When and as I see myself experiencing FEAR because I experience writing "bigger than myself" -- I stop and I breathe - I now see, realize and understand that experiencing FEAR will only compound/fuel/power the FEAR I experience further to the point that I remain experiencing writing as an endless point that will never end - because I've allowed myself to throughout time accumulate energy, without any practical-application, I am of course going to have many points coming up to the surface, and so I commit myself to be and become patient within and as myself to in fact see/realize/understand that the FEAR I experience is not the end of the world, but simply showing/revealing how much FEAR I have accumulated throughout time about who I am in relation to writing.

I commit myself to investigate myself in how I experience writing in order to realize that writing isn't an of/as FEAR or even an experience in the first place, but an expression waiting to actually be lived here within and as this physical reality.

I commit myself to establish specificity by/through trusting myself within and as writing to no longer unconsciously accumulate FEAR in relation to something being and becoming "bigger than myself" - because everything is here, and so writing is here to actually enjoy myself - not accumulating FEAR, because I have unconsciously mind-projected tons of ideas/beliefs about what specificity in fact means in the first place.




To Definitely Be Continued...

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