Judgment in relation to
speaking
The monotone of my
voice when I am
speaking I become aware of when I'm in the moment speaking to someone and I allow myself to be uncomfortable of how much I've separated myself from my
voice because I spend most of my time not speaking/
communicating in anyway, whatsoever - within this when I do speak I become very much aware of the words I'm expressing to someone and the
anxiety/nervousness in my chest and the
stiffness that I
experience in my body to the extent where its as though I already have the ideas/projections of what the other
person is thinking/
perceiving about me in the very moment that I'm
communicating, wherein - it comes to the point that my words I was going to say in the moment get tongue-tied because its as though I have my own
mind-possessions and the other
person that I'm communicating with in the moment that it comes to the point where I don't want/desire to speak at all and it just becomes this huge projection/idea of judgments that I'm actually not investigating within and as myself. So, when I'm participating in this point I'm taking a part all the years that I spent observing people from afar and keeping quiet, I bring all the memories that I've experienced/seen from afar from other beings and it allowed me to realize the patterns of
human beings in some ways - to the point where I could analyze a person/situation and find the core/origin of the point from a deeper perspective and would see that it would usually be right - therefore - I'm actually using and abusing the process of seeing into people, sort speak, for my own justification/excuse to not communicate/speak with other beings to not get to the core/origin why/how I'm not investigating why/how I'm reacting when I'm speaking to someone within
anxiety/nervousness and even to the extent where I allow myself to accumulate the point further and hide/suppress the point to not communicate at all, wherein - it comes to the point where my body starts getting reactions and becomes very stiff and uncomfortable of expressing myself in the moment because I'm harnessing all this
shit that I'm not allowing myself to investigate and bring about a solution. This point is also from another
dimension, wherein - I do not use the memories that I've experienced/seen from afar within and as
human beings to assist/support others in some ways - also if I allow myself to see the shoes from others as myself then I would already realize that everyone experiences the same
shit, more or less - we all
experience anxiety/nervousness and so I allow myself to understand that if everyone in this
reality experiences the same shit then I shouldn't allow myself to be afraid - within this I allow myself to consider that if I can analyze others and if its coming from the
mind then its most certainly coming from
judgment and so I allow myself to understand that communicating if for expressing and not for harnessing reactions that in the end never supported myself.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become uncomfortable of how much I separated myself from my voice because I spend most of my time suppressing/hiding from speaking to such an extent that it becomes unnatural/forced to speak/communicate because I spend hours and hours not speaking, wherein - it comes to the point where when I speak I completely over-analyze what I was about to say in a moment, rather it being from me simply expressing/sharing myself within and as communication/speaking or some idea/projection of how or what I'm suppose to say something - within this when I'm about to speak in the moment I second-guess myself and repeat sentences in my mind that sounds good to people for them to like/accept me like some fucking mantra that will finally make me look good/presentable to the person I'm communicating with in the moment. I now see, realize and understand that becoming uncomfortable about how much I separated myself from my own voice because of spending hours and hours suppressing/hiding my own voice to ideas/projections I have in my mind head that will apparently sound good to people for them to finally accept me - within this I'm compromising my own process to express/share myself in the moment within and as communication/speaking based on me not willing myself to simply speak in the moment - therefore - I now see, realize and understand that what I was actually looking for was
acceptance from others from my own voice because I haven't allowed myself to become intimate with my voice because of spending hours and hours not speaking to the point where I wouldn't allow myself to accept myself - I realize that when I speak I allow myself to express/share in a moment and not allow myself to over-analyze what I was about to say in the moment, because I'm merely looking at my database of memories to see what was acceptable or not acceptable to speak that was only a picture-presentation to activate another CharACTer.
I
forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to speak in the moment to actually trust what I have to share/express, but I allowed myself to second-guess myself and repeat sentences in my mind that sounds good to people for them to like/accept me like some fucking mantra that will finally make me look good/presentable to the person I'm communicating/speaking with in the moment - within this I would also interpret within and as my mind of projectional judgments to/towards the other person I'm communicating/speaking with and think/believe of all the possible scenarios/outflows that would happen if I actually spoke what I wanted to say in the moment - I now see, realize and understand that living regret on what someone is going to think or not think about me is completely fucked up and represents just how much I've allowed myself to live my life based on other people's reactions/perceptions of myself - I do not accept or allow myself to repeat
mantras on auto-pilot to will make myself look/seem good/presentable for the person I'm communicating/speaking with in the moment just for self-image and not wiling myself to trust myself in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately act clueless to how much I've been aware of the words I'm expressing to someone just to remain enslaved to the anxiety/nervousness I experience in my chest because I realize if I change and do something about it then I know that there will be nothing holding me back and all will remain is myself communicating/speaking in the moment - within this I allow myself become so
fearful of the prospect of actually seeing myself when I'm communicating with another that I experience
stiffness in my body to the extent where its as though I already have the ideas/projections of what the other person is thinking/
perceiving about me in the very moment that I'm communicating/speaking - I now see, realize and understand that me fearing change is merely allowing this world to continue in its current manifestation to not stand up and face myself to myself within and communication/speaking to understand that if I allow myself to remain enslaved to the anxiety/nervousness I experience in my chest because I actually realize that there would nowhere to hide/suppress myself and I would have to face communication/speaking in the moment -therefore - if I allow myself to continue participating in this point everything is going to compound and compound until the momentary stiffness I experience when I have these ideas/projections of what another person is going to say then a physical manifestation that may affect me deeply to where it comes to the point that I have some kind of illness because I didn't allow myself to face the anxiety/nervousness I experience when I'm communicating because I knew if I did - there would be nowhere to hide.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in ideas/projections of what the other person I'm communicating/speaking in the very moment I'm communicating - wherein, it comes to the point that my words get tongue-tied to a physical reaction because its as though I have my own mind-possessions and the other person that I'm communicating with in the moment that it comes to the point where I don't want/desire to speak at all and it just becomes this huge projection/idea of judgments that I'm actually not investigating within and as myself - I now see, realize and understand that my
physical body is showing/revealing that the point manifested to such an extent that I didn't even allow myself to see that if/when I'm allowing myself to become tongue-tied then I now understand I'm having physical reactions to a point that I've hidden/suppressed of how I'm seeing ideas/projections of how people are seeing me in the moment and not taking into
consideration if I'm reacting to the extent that I'm having physical reactions of my own judgments that I
thought were placed on myself - then I now understand I'm creating these illusionary realities where I don't have to face myself in communication/speaking and face myself to myself but remain tongue-tied in mind-possession.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in taking a part years of observing people from afar and keeping quiet as a
defense mechanism to realize the patterns of human beings in a manipulative ways for myself to not face myself but remain in
judgment of others as though I was superior/more/special for myself to not actually look at myself in self-honesty to investigate why/how I've allowed myself to not analyze my own patterns and create a solution to a person/situation I may/was/am facing and find the core/origin of the point from a deeper perspective - I see, realize and understand that I am no different to those that I've judged in my observations and analyzations, because I did the exact same thing and in no ways looked at myself in
common-sense to investigate myself and understand how I actually operate but was too busy trying to remain superior/more/special to not look at myself - to not face myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and
abuse the skill/technique to see into people for my own self-interest to justify/excuse to not communicate/speak with other beings to not get to the core/origin on why/how I'm not investigating my own shit to reacting to speaking to someone to the extent where I allow myself to accumulate the point further and hide/suppress the point to not communicate/speak at all - within this seeing into other people became the perfect excuse for me to act special/more/superior for not facing myself to communicate/speak and to spend hours and hours separating myself from everyone to hide away from watching everyone from a safe distance for myself to see human behavior for myself to be prepared in a way of being rejected and to not experience myself as unimportant/less/inferior because that was actually how I was experiencing myself - I now see, realize and understand that me analyzing others was a competition to go out and judge everyone outside of me to see points of myself that I'm not willing to embrace in myself and will therefore continue doing anything possible to not face the point of facing myself within and as communication/speaking but hide/suppress and remain behind the scenes in my own world and
reality to avoid actually seeing how I'm experiencing myself - unimportant/less/inferior - therefore - I allow myself to get back to the basics and investigate how I'm limiting myself on a day to day basis to become intimate with myself and accumulate self-trust - slowly but surely.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to consider that if I am analyzing others and if its coming from hiding/suppressing as the starting-point to experience myself as special/more/superior - then I now see, realize and understand that harnessing all these ideas/projections of judgment that I've imagined to be someone else's was actually my own creation of judgment I mind-projected on others to not face myself to face within and as communication/speaking to finally assist/support to investigate that living my life within and as the starting-point of competition is actually no way to live and in no way provides any solution - therefore - I do not accept or allow myself to judge others just to justify/excuse myself from how I'm experiencing the polar opposite - therefore - I allow myself to become humble and to not be self-righteous and try/attempt to be an idea/projection that I can never and will never be able to be.
