Day 79: Digging My Own Grave

This is a continuation to Day 78: I Need Stability In My Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually be relieved/relaxed and at ease when/as I am having trouble making a choice/decision to live that what will bring about a change that is best for all and within this would create a belief/idea about how much I am not capable to actually be the one that makes the choice/decision to how I will live my life - that I just starting ask other people's perspectives about how much more capable they are then myself, not investigating how/why I have allowed myself to completely take away my chance/opportunity to actually make a choice/decision that which I actually make to finally trust what I choose to live here in this life, and thus take into consideration how much responsibility I am willing to live here in this one life to bring about a change that will benefit everyone here - to understand that I am creating the idea/belief that I am not capable/less than/inferior to those that I am asking perspective from, based on the fact that I am scared out of my mind to live a choice/decision that will not only affect myself - but everyone here within/as this world/reality, because how I choose to live my life not only affects myself - thus creating a chain reaction to bring about a change here in this one life that will affect the generations to come. I now see, realize and understand that it is I that must see into/as the eyes of life to how I am going to spend this one life, to actually realize that psyching myself out is a cool indication that I realize that there is much to do in this life - and thus I simply stop limiting myself based on fear to not become part of the equation - but in fact look at the mathematical equation that is what is best for all life - to understand that making a choice/decision based on those outside myself is craaaaaaaaazy because the only choice/decision that is here is the principle of Oneness & Equality - sooooooooo I have no choice but to live that which is here. When and as I see myself wanting/desiring someone to tell me how to spend this one life based on my fear on my life actually affecting others - I stop and I breathe - I do not accept or allow myself to continue judging/defining how my life actually affects everyone here in this one life - but instead I commit myself to really understanding that even if I am doing shit with my life, I am in essence making a choice/decision that is already affecting those here within/as this world/reality, sooooooo I might as well walk my talk - lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay more attention to how my life affects others when/as I am actually deciding to live something that which will bring a change that is best for all - believing that I must pay more attention to how I am living my life because I will no longer be able to live out my life of self-interest without question anymore - and within this would thus only ever take into consideration how I choose to live my life when/as I must actually give up everything to bring about a change that is best for all - because it's quite ironic that when I am living my life on a daily-basis constantly denying that which is existing here, then I choose to deny how my life that never made any difference to myself was another chance/opportunity for those here in this one life to even have the choice/decision to not live a life that will bring a change that is best for all. I commit myself to, when and as I see that I am choosing to only pay attention to how my life affects others when I am making the decision to no longer live within/as self-interest - to stop and breathe - realize that I am accessing judgments/definitions/beliefs/ideas within my mind based on living herein this one life and instead educate myself on how I have deviated my self-responsibility so easily to remain living my life based on some veil that I see into/as my eyes to never uncover the I's that I have created over time to remain living my life, only seeing what I want to see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when/as I had to make a HUGE choice/decision, connect and link my mind-projections of what I am capable of walking based on the polarities between SMALL and HUGE - thinking and believing that when I must walk something that I am interpreting as quite extensive assume that I will fall on my ass and when I would be facing something small assume that I have everything in the bag. Within this I would then be accessing memories I have had of my projections of what assignments/tasks I am able to take on - and then I would immediately assume that the quantity somehow gives value to what I am able to walk based through connecting the image of making a choice/decision to allow myself to experience myself a certain way in order to be apparently ready to dedicate myself to something, no matter what. I now see, realize and understand that I am preventing myself from being dedicated to a choice/decision that I make to live - linking it to past memories/experiences that I have had. I commit myself to, when and as I see myself forming any idea/belief/perception about what I am able to walk based on quantity that I have given certain energetic charges to remain here, breathing - not allowing myself to go into forming any idea/belief/perception about what I am apparently able to walk here in this one life - but to instead really stop to investigate what it means to in fact walk a decision; absolutely and specifically, to finally get to know myself for real, no longer living my life based on what I am interpreting as extensive or small to affect the dedication to stand by/through a dedication from beginning to end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create limitations/variations to what I am able to walk here in this one life and within this would create a belief/idea about living - that I thus ask other's perspectives on how I should choose to live my life, not investigating how/why I have allowed myself to completely take away my power to actually make my own decisions to live self-trust based on how much I feared affecting other's lives, and thus I would completely deny how much I am affecting people's lives to not bring about an affect that which will bring dignity and respect for those that I choose to ignore on a daily-basis - to understand that I am creating a personality based on the connection and link of my mind to how I am apparently suppose to live. I now see, realize and understand that I am preventing myself to walk a life of no regrets, because I am too busy living in fear on how my decisions affect others - thus all my life I have been complying to those in my immediate reality, and so all I have ever known is life of how others want me to live - instead I allow myself to learn to understand that those in my outer-reality cannot help me to make a decision that I will have to live with, I allow myself to take a step back to realize the opportunity I have right now to bring about a change that will allow the further generations to live a life of dignity and respect. When and as I see myself creating limitations/variations to what I am able to walk here in this one life - I stop and I breathe - I do not accept or allow myself to continue second-guessing myself - but instead I commit myself to really start investigating how I want to spend this life, no longer being inflicted to live a lie that will bring about the same cycle of abuse as the generations before me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can continue living someone's idea/belief/perception about what life suppose to be - believing that I can continue denying the others here in this world/reality being completely disregarded - and within this would thus only take into consideration what I am actually with my life when/as my entire world/reality falls upon itself, only choosing to change that which would bring about the benefit to live what is easier. I commit myself to, when and as I see that I am choosing to continue living someone's idea/belief/perception about how I am suppose to live this one life - to stop and breathe - realize that I am not only disregarding the right to live my own life - but everyone else that doesn't have the opportunity to even have the right to live a lie in complete separation/detachment to what is being created/has already been created - instead I allow myself to not live according to judgments on how I am suppose to live - since I can that I am creating limitations/variations to what I am capable of walking - as well as finally living to my utmost potential, to actually realize that in fact means to live in every moment, here in this one life.

To Be Continued...

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DAY 75: To the Best of My Ability

~Picture of me sitting at my computer, writing out points that I am not integrating to the best of my ability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought as image of me sitting at my computer, writing out points that I am not integrating to the best of my ability - to exist within and as myself, wherein I will in the moment actually purposely/deliberately write myself out from the starting-point of not integrating the writing as an actual self-realization, because I will during the moment I am writing and before hand I am about to write myself out, a little voice will pop up telling me that I am being dishonest and need to STOP, take a look at my starting-point and MOVE MYSELF, for real, in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to purposely/deliberately shove aside the voice of reason - to look inside myself in terms of common-sense - where I will accept and allow myself to shove aside support from to take a step back and look at my starting point - without practically looking at why/how I am shoving aside common-sense in the first place - to no longer remain writing within and as a starting-point of self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able or worthy within and as writing myself to freedom to the best of my ability - wherein I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must write a certain way in order to get my point across - not seeing/realizing/understanding that as I am wanting/desiring to get my point across I end of somewhere in my mind, trying/attaining/attempting to reach this idea/belief about how incompetent/less than I am to never be able to possibly assist/support in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I MUST get a point across to someone or something outside myself within and as writing for people to be able to understand what I am pointing out in the first place - wherein I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I MUST continuously find a magnificent point for someone to be able to understand what I am point out - not seeing/realizing/understanding that the point is here and there is nobody to prove myself to, in the first place - because all is HERE, and thus I allow myself to LIVE this to my fullest potential, NOT squandering each opportunity after another because I believe that I am not worthy or not able to even realize that everything is here in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume and perceive that I am too incompetent/less than to actually realize that everything is here, and thus there is nothing to point out in the first place - because I have lived my entire Life, assuming/perceiving that I am too something to actually LIVE to my fullest potential, and thus writing has become the exact same matter for myself - not seeing/realizing/understanding that one doesn't have to be something in order to apparently deserve realizing that everything is here, because that would just be a contradiction to what Equality & Oneness in fact means.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I since I am apparently something like being incompetent/less than, then I cannot realize how to LIVE to my fullest potential, like integrating the words that I am writing to my fullest potential - because I have mind-projected certain characteristics as deserving or non-deserving of actually being free to LIVE - not seeing/realizing/understanding that this is a confirmation how I have a limited perception about what freedom in fact means.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mind-project certain assumptions about certain characteristics and within this give them certain values and definitions, that which would give someone a polarity mind-fuck of good/bad rewards that the person would acquire within and as their particular characteristic - not seeing/realizing/understanding the key word here, CHARACTER, thus - I now see, realize and understand that if I continue mind-projecting assumptions about what people will deserve, then I will spend my Life never in fact integrating anything remotely to my utmost potential - because at the end of the day it will be about which character would win/lose in the Game of Life - to continuously live a life full of survival and competition that was only about moving from one polarity to another.

When/as/if the thought as image of me sitting at my computer, writing out points that I am not integrating to the best of my ability -- I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back HERE - I realize that I am purposely/deliberately setting myself up to never in fact integrate the words as an actual practical-living solution, because I was too busy shoving the voice of reason telling me to take a step back and re-look at my starting-point - I commit myself to indeed stop, take a deep breath, and MOVE MYSELF, because I allow myself to SLOW DOWN - to not squander what is real and tangible to walk the talk.

When/as/if I believe that I am not able or worthy within and as writing myself to freedom -- I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back HERE - I realize that the key word here is FREEDOM, that which is including everyone here within and as this world/reality, including myself, to no longer squander a perfect structure that is writing because of belittling myself - I commit myself to become humble, and realize that everyONE here in this world/reality is one and equal, and thus writing is the same matter.

To Be Continued...

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Day 57: Searching For Myself, Back Later. Leave a Msg

This is a continuation to Day 56: The Me I Never Knew Existed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try/attain/attempt to search for a ME that felt real/honest/authentic within and as myself because I have always molded/shaped myself over a thorough period of time to self-create this idea/belief/perception/assumption that this ME can be/only ever be found outside myself, within this I'm self-creating more separation by/through self-creating this idea/belief/perception/assumption to the point that I waste/wait/postpone my life/process because of a mere idea/belief/perception/assumption that this ME will finally make me finally experience myself as real/authentic/honest, within this I didn't realize for myself that I was actually searching/finding/reaching outward for a ME that was only another personality/character to not understand/realize/investigate how/why I've allowed myself to not see the key point of polarity that is actually happening here, I am wasting/waiting/postponing my life/process/myself to experience myself as real/authentic/honest to not realize that I am in actuality hiding from/suppressing the point that I am not willing to see how I am in actuality experiencing myself as fake/misleading/dishonest to the point that I will self-create these ME's to make the self-interest more bearable for my morality, therefore - I now see, realize and understand that I am merely playing a polarity game that inevitably leads to fuck up because continuously trying/attaining/attempting to experience myself as real/authentic/honest was only another character/personality to not will myself to understand/realize/investigate how/why I am continuously looking for ME's to not see the ME that has been here/always been here, I've allowed myself to reach for/find/search for a ME that was a separate personality/character outside myself to not simply see within and as self-honesty who I am/have become throughout my life to slowly but surely get to the nitty gritty of how/why I've separated/divided myself so much from life/myself to the extent that I would purposely/deliberately self-create ME's that were in actuality ME's existed outside myself to not will myself to look within and as the real ME that has been here/always been here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe and perceive that myself molding/shaping characters that I am presenting in the moment will make my self-interested cycle more bearable for my precious morality, within this I am not understanding/realizing/investigating how/why I am allowing myself to compromise/sabotage my life/process to the extent that I will self-create this idea/belief/perception/assumption that being/becoming full of morality by/through continuously looking/searching/reaching out for a ME will make everything peachy to not realize that I am in actuality not in anyway moral within and as myself at the moment because the mere point/fact of reaching out/searching/finding a personality/character to deliberately/purposely is a mere confirmation of how we as human beings haven't allowed ourselves to understand/realize/investigate that we will do everything in our delusional power to save our asses to literally remain having out heads up our ass (mind you) to continuously not simply realize in common-sense that we have to take self-responsibility for ourselves/each-other/life to actually be/become moral beings that stand up for life, no matter what, I mean, this is what our current life is consisted of: Searching/finding/reach out for a ME that will make ourselves feel better about what we currently are/have become/have always been, Searching/finding/reaching out for another person that will make you feel better about the ME (character/personality) you generally choose to be to make you feel better about yourself to continuously feel validated/recognized/accepted in some bizarre fucked up way, Searching, finding, reaching out for some shit to consume over and over again to not simply see within and as ourselves, no self-judgment or self-diminishment needed, I now see, realize and understand that my entire life/process has been spent to purposely/deliberately not see within and as myself, wherein in actuality me entire life I was searching/finding/reaching out for a ME that would ease my self-interest, which is quite strange how I've allowed myself to go out of my way to not see myself to see something that I wanted/desired to be me to not actually see within and as myself from the get go, therefore, I allow myself to be/become humble completely/absolutely/specifically because continuously trying/attaining/attempting to ease my self-interest is pointless/meaningless because this process is not about ME, but everyone and the ME that is here/has always been here; yet, the ME I have decided/chosen to be throughout my life/process is one and equal to/towards myself because I allow myself to be/become brutal and/or gentle at the same time, Gentle Brutality, to not allow myself to continuously search/look/reach out for a ME that never actually existed in the first place/can never exist in the place because it only existed within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to knowingly/purposely/deliberately participated/experienced myself as fake/misleading/dishonest to not will myself to see within and as self-honest how/why I've allowed myself to be/become fake/misleading/dishonest to the extent that I would trying/attain/attempt to find/search/reach out for a ME that never existed/can never be able to exist in the first place, because I would have to look at the ME that has been here/has always been here and I know within and as myself that the ME that has/is here/has always been here is not a pretty picture in anyway, and so I've allowed myself to move around from one energy point to another to deliberately/purposely self-create this idea/belief/perception/assumption that I am actually moving myself within and as my world/reality, wherein I was only doing everything in my delusional power to not see the ME that has been here/always been here, because the ME that is here/has always been here is not an separate entity from myself, therefore, I am always in every moment of every breath here to see within and as myself, and so this is another confirmation that we always know what the heck what were doing, only wanting to see within and as ourselves in our daily-lives is a whole another story to dis-cover within and as myself, I now see, realize and understand that the me that I've been trying/attaining/attempting to find was never actually ME, therefore, I was actually from the get go wasting/waiting/postponing time, because how can I not see what is always revealed/shown in every moment of every breath?! Lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self-create this idea/belief/assumption/perception that the ME I've been searching/finding/reach out for was in actuality ME, as in something that could be real/authentic/honest, wherein I was only in the end trying/attaining/attempting to lose myself more and more, from the perspective of veiling myself within and as the characters/personalities that I would deliberately/purposely/knowingly find/search/reach out for, making sure that I won't see within and as myself in a moment/breath/chance/opportunity that is always here/has always been here, therefore, when/as I am trying/attaining/attempting to find/search/reach out for a ME that makes the process of dishonesty/self-interest mote bearable I was in actuality molding/shaping myself more and more further away from this physical reality to make sure I will never be able to see within and as myself, I was in actuality screwing within and as myself because I in actuality didn't give a damn about being/becoming a moral being, from there perspective of actually living realness/authenticity/honesty in practical- physical application to create solutions that will in the end allow me to make sure that I "find" myself, sort of speak, from the perspective of not allowing myself to lose myself knowingly/purposely/deliberately so I don't have to find myself within and as realizing/understanding/investigate how/why I've allowed myself to do everything in my power to not simply be/become a moral being, from the perspective of actually giving a fuck about life, and even then I am still a loooooooooongggg way to go ( and much longer), therefore, I now see, realize and understand that if/when I continuously see myself looking/searching/reaching out for a ME, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that I was never actually searching/finding/reaching out for ME, because I am here/have always been here, and so I was only trying/attaining/attempting to search/find/reach out for another personality/character to call ME to never see within and as the ME that encompasses all the ME's in Oneness & Equality.

To Be Continued...

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Day 56: The Me I Never Knew Existed

This is a continuation to Day 55: How to Stop Judging Yourself and Others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suddenly/out of nowhere participate and experience myself as self-conscious/self-aware of who I am/have become in the moment/breath/chance/opportunity that I lose/not realizing that actual opportunity that is here for myself to investigate within and as the moment I am being/becoming self-conscious as a cool self-supportive tool for myself to understand who I am/have become in the moment to in-fact correct the point in practical-application - within this I allow myself to participate/limit/enslave/experience myself to merely an idea/belief about who I am/which character I should/shouldn't present in the moment to separate myself from what is practical for myself to correct in the moment - therefore - I've mind-projected being/becoming self-conscious as this huge mind-fuck, wherein I must continuously mold/shape who I am/which character I am presenting in the moment to an idea/belief about who I am/which character I should/shouldn't present in the moment - I allowed myself to not take the initiative within and as myself that being/becoming self-conscious has always been from the starting-point of FEAR to not see, realize and understand that being/becoming self-conscious can be a key tool for myself to play with, I mean, taking the initiative within and as myself to stop my thoughts had taken to a certain degree being/becoming self-conscious/self-aware to in-fact stopping the programs compounding/perpetuating/fueling/powering within and as myself, to no longer be/become mind-possessed by/through systems running on autopilot within and as my conscious-mind - I now see, realize and understand that continuing using/abusing self-consciousness/self-awareness will never be able to give myself the validation/recognition/acceptance I seek/search for, because in the end I was only trying/attaining/attempting to see/search for the validation/recognition to find myself somehow within and as the validation/recognition/acceptance - within this I do NOT accept or allow myself to continuously seek/search for validation/recognition/acceptance, because I was trying/attaining/attempting to find myself within and as all the feedback that I would be given, that somehow within and as all the validation/recognition/acceptance I could somehow find/search/seek for the me that actually felt real in some way, wherein the validation/recognition/acceptance would be what I use/abuse to make myself experience myself a certain way to no longer remain searching/finding/seeking some ME that didn't exist in the first place/never will be able to exist in the first place.

When and as I see myself suddenly/out of nowhere participating and experiencing myself as self-conscious/self-aware of who I am/have become in the moment/breath/chance/opportunity that I lost/not realizing that I am perfectly capable to assist/support myself to investigate the in's and out's on how I can utilize self-consciousness/self-awareness as a cool self-supportive tool for myself to ground myself here within and as this physical reality - therefore - I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that being/becoming self-conscious doesn't mean I have to judge/diminish who I am/have become in a moment to not apply myself in another to in-fact realize that just because I've allowed my unconscious mind-attachments to/towards certain points, doesn't in any shape/form imply I must be/become freaked out to ever consider/take into consideration utilizing who I am/have become in a moment.

When and as I see myself participating/experiencing/limiting/enslaving myself to a mere idea/belief about who I am/which character I should/shouldn't present in the moment - I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that I merely trying/attaining/attempting to survive within and as this world-system to find/search some ME that will make everything a bit bearable for myself to no longer continuously search/seek for some validation/recognition/acceptance I could not find/will never be able to find.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when/as I am trying/attaining/attempting to search/find/seek some ME that felt real/honest/authentic in some way, I was in actuality screwing within and as myself because I in actuality self-created this ME as a separate personality that MUST somehow be found outside myself - within this I would continuously seek/search/find some validation/recognition, and when I found some validation/recognition that apparently "resonated within and as myself" I would only be satisfied for a short-while because it was always/has always been from the starting-point of this idea/belief of this ME that didn't exist in the first place/never will be able to exist in the first place, therefore, I would continuously move around from one energy point to another until I would feel defeated/victimized, and so I would wait/waste/postpone my life away more so because I would make my entire life/process to be at this stand-still for not searching/seeking/finding the ME that didn't exist/never will be able to exist in the first place - to finally slowly but surely taking self-responsibility that this ME was only a character/personality to continuously spend my life/process walking around like some freaking leech that lived my entire life based on this one point of getting that validation/recognition/acceptance that actually "felt right" - I allowed myself to continuously spend my life trying/attaining/attempting to get some validation/recognition/acceptance, from the perspective that it always "felt wrong" because I wasn't in the end getting the long hall of validation/recognition/acceptance that would make the part of myself completely always unsatisfied to go away - I now see, realize and understand that continuing living my life based on searching/seeking/finding a ME that "resonates within and as myself" is complete bullshit, because I was only in the end remaining at the same stand-still, I've always been at this stand-still - only I just realized this point because I was too busy experiencing and participating in defeat/victimization when/as I didn't get the apparent validation/recognition/acceptance I was looking for in the end, so - in the end I was looking for something that all of us spend our lives searching for: Ourselves, I do NOT accept or allow myself to continuously play the character game over and over and over again, I in-fact stop myself to continuously bullshit myself to finding/searching/seeking for some ME that was only an idea/belief of who I should/shouldn't, MORE CHARACTERS!!!!!!!

To Be Continued...

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Day 40: I'm Too Scared to See Myself

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that there is absolutely NOTHING I can do or become because everything has been here/always been here, and so what I was actually in-fact doing was trying/attaining/attempting to NOT see myself, I mean - even doing everything in my delusional power to attempt/try/attain to be/become something means that I saw myself all the time, only I didn't like what I was seeing into and as self-honesty and so I suppressed/hid from myself to be/become more than/superior/important/enlightened/special - to never see, realize and understand that I was so afraid of myself to such an extent that I did everything in my delusional power to NOT see into and as myself: Self-Intimacy - therefore - Self-Intimacy was something I never wanted to realize for myself because I actually assumed/perceived that its easier to be/become a slave/charACTer because I've never considered/taken into consideration that if I choose/make the decision to not in-fact see myself into and as Self-intimacy it would be/become harder/difficult for myself because I allowed myself to veil/DIS-COVER myself within and as my mind -tactics so deliberately/purposely that it becomes very easier for myself to make justifications/excuses to never understand that I was separating myself more and more from Self-realization as actually understanding what Self-intimacy in practical-application means to be/become a Self-Willed Equal that doesn't continuously deliberately/purposely enslave/limit oneself because I now see, realize and understand that if I actually in-fact only see myself as a slave/charACTer, I would be another human-being that didn't take the chance/opportunity to actually live in this world/reality completely afraid of ourselves for eternity - I now understand that/becoming a CharACTer isn't all I'm able to be within and as this Life because I allow myself to in-fact consider/take into consideration those that cannot even see themselves at all because they don't have the resources to even consider/take into consideration seeing themselves - to actually walk this process of walking out of our minds and into reality as Self-Willed Equals.

When and as I see myself trying/attaining/attempting to see into and as myself as Self-Intimacy, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that if I am not going to consider/take into consideration seeing into and as myself I'm deliberately enslaving/limiting those who never had the chance/opportunity to in-fact even walk this process of walking out of our mind and into this physical reality - I commit myself to - use common-sense because everything chance/opportunity I miss in a moment its no longer for just myself but for any chance anyone else could walk this process to actually be/become Life by/through walking in this outer-reality to integrate myself in this physical reality to educate myself for there to be any chances for this system to be Equal, and so if everyone did this as myself there would be no chance/opportunity for this world-reality to be/become dignified for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately/purposely enslave/limit myself because that is all I have seen myself as throughout my Life, and so I never had actually considered/take into consideration that I was never seeing myself at all because if I actually did I would of actually stopped participating and experiencing myself as a mere slave/charACTer - within this I actually was quite content my life because a life filled with absolutely no questions to who I am/who have I been within and as thoughts has never been something in my mind because I was always constantly and continuously trying/attaining/attempting to be something more than/superior/important/enlightened/special, and so I would look for knowledge/information outside myself to make myself more than/superior/important/enlightened/special to remain deliberately/purposely enslaving/limiting myself because its all I actually wanted/desired to see within and as myself - in this I didn't in essence want to see that reason why/how I was doing everything in my delusional power to not see myself because I knew within and as myself that I was always and have always been here in this moment, and so when/as I was going something to try/attempt/attain to make myself seem more than/superior/special/important/enlightened I knew all along what I was doing because when someone is always here in every moment doing everything in their power to suppress/hide who they are/have been throughout their Life there is absolutely nothing that can be hidden because everything has always been here - I now see, realize and understand there is nothing for myself to be/become because I was in essence hiding from myself to always maintain this idea/belief/perception/assumption that I was actually be/becoming a better person, wherein - I was only trying/attaining/attempting to be/become something more than/superior/important/enlightened/special that always involved an endless cycle of self-sabotage because when I was (apparently) being/becoming something freaking great I would have to face the polarity and in the end it turned not in my expectations, and so even if I did get something I wanted/desired to make me (apparently) more than/superior/important/enlightened/special it would never be good enough in the end, and so the game of competition/survival becomes a part of myself to such an extent that I do everything in my power to never see myself.

When and as I see myself doing everything in my delusional power to suppress/hide who I am/have been throughout my life and that includes who I am/have been through my life within and as thoughts/feelings/emotions/backchat, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that absolutely nothing can cover up/hide/suppress who I've been/have been throughout my Life because I have/everyone as humanity have been quite aware/always been aware of what were in essence doing to ourselves and this world/reality, and so there is no excuse/justification but to be humble/gentle with ourselves to in essence actually in-fact understand that taking everything personally/judging ourselves for how we have been trying/attaining/attempting to be someone/something that is ( apparently) more than/superior/important/enlightened/special MUST can unconditionally forgiven and taking everything personally/judging ourselves will only allow the abusive cycles to transpire - in this I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I commit myself to - STOP, to in-fact realize that doing everything my power to remain something is completely possible because it was always from the starting-point to be/become a system/program/CharACTer that didn't  in essence consider/take into consideration that the only thing that can remain in all way is what is best for All Life.

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Day 18: There is NOTHING to Search for.

This is a continuation to Day 17: Morality is a Bitch
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to the I am a good person character to purposely/deliberately not face who I actually become - to what I have allowed myself to be and become one and equal as - because I was too busy suiting myself up to/towards projecting myself as the magnificent God-like being, in other words the I am a good person character to justify/excuse myself to just how evil I have become to not face ALL of what I've allowed within and as me - because I knew within myself that I was suiting/hiding/suppressing the actuality of myself to not in-fact see, realize and understand that I've become a mere character to prove to myself that I have morality - that possibly Life will go easy on me because I'm trying/attaining/attempting to be and become an apparent good person, wherein - I was only trying/attaining/attempting to cover up what I've become - to not in-fact understand that I have allowed everything in this world to occur and so I just suit/suppress/cover what I've created up to not face myself because of thinking/believing its easier to just lie/suppress/hide to myself because of not wanting to face the atrocity I've become - not wanting to place myself one and equal to/towards the Murderer - not wanting to place myself one and equal to/towards the Rapist - not wanting to place myself one and equal to/towards The Con Artist - not wanting to place myself one and equal to/towards myself - not wanting to place myself one and equal to/towards Life - I now see, realize and understand that I was merely projecting myself to be and become special/superior/important to a CharACTer that will somehow make everything peachy for myself to not in-fact understand that this world//reality is everything of myself - only I was too busy in LaLa Land to understand that no CharACTer can justify/excuse me to not take self-responsibility and that somehow I can redeem myself by/through projecting myself as this magnificent being - that somehow people would feel my love and light and that would make up for not standing up when there are people being abused in every possible way - therefore - I continue lying to myself because of this one point to understand that if a CharACTer could somehow change this world/reality then this physical reality would be in a completely different condition and so I allowed myself to think/believe/deceive myself that being a good person would change what I've created - that it would somehow change the complete Evil of myself - that it would change the fact to never face myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to face myself because of trying/attaining/attempting to hide/suppress what I've allowed myself to be and become by/through projecting myself as this good person when in actuality I knew within myself that I was nothing more and nothing less than a complete liar because I used/abused so many breaths/chances/opportunities to not face ALL of me - therefore - I allowed myself to spend many wastes breaths/chances/opportunities to in-fact understand myself as Life because I was scared shitless to what I would see - I would see everything I've become - I would see what I've accepted and allowed and I would ultimately see myself - within this I become fearful because I've never knew myself - because all what I have ever known is a CharACTer to hide/suppress what I've become deliberately/purposely for not knowing what would happen if I were to be self-honest with myself to see, realize and understand the truth of myself - not wanting to place myself one and equal to/towards myself - not wanting to place myself one and equal to/towards Life - not wanting to place ultimately in the shoes of another that are being abused in so many ways because I knew if I were to be self-honest about placing myself in the shoes of another that would be my point of no return - I would realize myself - I now see, realize and understand that I can no longer suppress/hide who I am/could be because of trying/attaining/attempting to justify the true nature of myself to ever express/share myself to walk this process to my utmost potential - to get my head out out of my ass to understand that if I were the one that was being abused I would certainly want someone to stand up as all as one and equal to in-fact create life on Earth - if I was the one that was living on the streets and that would be my normal - that would be my life - I would certainly want someone to finally in-fact stand up to what we've become - therefore - justifying/excusing myself to what I actually am at this point is completely pointless/meaningless because I have been hiding/suppressing myself to excuses/justifications my entire life and waiting/wasting time to wake up is pointless because I wasted/waited another breath/chance/opportunity to stand up for Life - to in-fact stand up for what I've become - I do not accept or allow myself to die and wonder what if - because of not taking that one breath/chance opportunity that would allow me the door of opportunity to realize the potential of me - The Truth of Me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste/wait for another breath/chance/opportunity that would magically allow me to see myself - only it always involved being a good person - to always try/attain/attempt to be and become an idea/belief of what good is - not seeing, realizing and understanding that we as humanity are evil to/towards always wasting/waiting for some experience to allow ourselves to wake up - within this I'm not understanding that humans have been doing this for generations - always trying/attaining/attempting to find/search for ourselves within experience that will magically allow ourselves to be and become some fucking Saint - We've been allowing ourselves to live our lives to experiences to define ourselves as something good/bad based on a mere experience - therefore - Experience has become my God to not in-fact stand up to see, realize and understand that as long as I live my Life based on some Experience I am never going to find myself - because I am already here and have always been here - therefore - Experience is merely separation to always strive to be more based on my outer-reality - to always in-fact define and give value to the energetic experience I'm experiencing and if everything does/doesn't go to plan I'll still find/search for myself within the Experience to always trying/attain/attempt to be and become a Good Person - therefore - When and as I'm searching/finding something within an experience I'm actually finding/searching for myself that has/always been here in every moment of every breath waiting patiently for myself to not waste/wait for another breath/chance/opportunity to finally in-fact reach the Door of Opportunity - to finally realize the Truth of myself - There is nothing to search/find because I have/always been here - I do not accept to allow myself to live my life trying/attaining/attempting to be and become a mere idea/belief of morality - of the Good Person Character to always separate myself from simply being here because of looking for myself in an Experience that was inevitably another Door of Opportunity to realize that every breath/chance/opportunity was/has always been in-fact Here - therefore - No more waiting/wasting Time for something that has always been Here - No CharACTers needed.

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