Day 9: The Isolated Mute

Judgment in relation to communicating

Communication has always been this point of impossibility to express everything that I actually don't saying anything at all - within this I allow myself to become silent and not share/express myself at all because I think/believe - "I don't have the words" or "I can't find the words," and so I shut myself out from myself to NOT dictate everything that I can express myself in a moment. The fact of the matter is - the words are always here and me stating, "I don't have the words" or "I can't find the words," is me stating to myself - "The point isn't here," therefore, I'm stating, "I'm not here" - within this I now see realize and understand that everything is here and so I'm here, I mean this entire point is me limiting myself to a database of memory to think/believe that I must/always have some sort of point outside of myself to remind me actually of myself - obviously this point IS me and so justifying the very point that I've created and say to myself, "The point isn't here," is merely confirmation on my part for how I've separated myself from myself to NOT see the very nature of what I've created and if EVERY point is here and I'm deliberately NOT looking at the point that which is always here, then I now see, realize and understand I've separated myself from my own creation that which I created - within this I understand that limiting myself to the possibility of communications to an impossibility is illusion to NOT will myself to express/share in complete vulnerability to NOT allow myself to become silent for hours and hours, because I think/believe I don't have the point or even the ability to communicate in the first place - within this I'm comparing myself to people that are considered, 'intellectuals,' or who can always have something to say in complete flow that most people would consider, 'beautiful,' - within this I now see realize and understand that most of those people were educated differently then me, therefore, I allow myself to share/express and understand that everyone is my equal, no matter what education was received or not, what matters is what is here, and so I allow myself to communicate without judgment and pure self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that communication is so impossible to the extent where I don't say anything at all and completely hide/suppress the point to communicate with others in complete self-expression and vulnerability to NOT allow any backchat of the nature - "I don't have the words" or "I can't find the words," to the extent where I become silent for hours and completely allow the backchat to consume/compromise myself in a moment to speak/write/communicate in all forms and NOT limit myself to the uncomfortability/inferiority I experience in the moment to NOT simply just trust myself and actually LIVE for the first time and bring about a world that is best for all - within this I MUST communicate/write/speak because that is the only way there will ever be any chance to this world and reality but at the same time it is NOT in anyway pretty words that is going to change this world and reality to a place that can finally be what is best for all - therefore - I now see realize and understand that the last thing this world needs is another philosopher but someone that will LIVE him/her words to actual self-expression and share/express him/her self in the moment and stop at NOTHING until this world actually starts matching what the light workers what this world to be. Only this time it will be a world that will be what is best for all and money will NOT dictate someone's destiny - therefore - I allow myself to dictate myself to myself and those that are willing to here me or hear me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit the possibilities of communication to an impossibility because I think/believe - I don't have the words" or "I can't find the words," to express/share myself in complete vulnerability to actually understand that communication is ONLY  impossible when/if I'm in my mind looking for something/finding something in my database of my mind that revolves around ideas/projections of what to say/what not to say - within this I'm creating a freaking hand-book in my head on the guidelines on how I should or shouldn't communicate/write/speak in the moment without any mind-filter to compromise myself in a moment to NOT actually communicate in vulnerability and understand the words that I'm actually speaking and NOT what/won't look good to someone/something outside myself to fuel/power my mind more to the ideas/projections of how I should/shouldn't communicate to actually in-fact communicate/write/speak in vulnerability to investigate how/why I've NOT allowed myself to limit myself completely to actually be self-honest within myself or another person and actually sharing/expressing in a moment and NOT jumping from dimension to another on all these databases of memory that are mere picture-presentations of CharACTers that did or didn't go well to maintain the ideas/projections of how I want/desire for myself to communicate - JUST for myself to NOT realize this ONE point of actual communication/writing/speaking that is actual communication that has no boundaries or limitations based on energy but actual sharing/expressing that only self-honesty can realize and LIVE one to understand how we've never actually communicated before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become silent for hours and hours because I think/believe I don't have the ability to communicate in the first place - within this I'm comparing myself to people that are considered, 'intellectuals,' or  who can always have something to say in complete flow that most people would consider, 'beautiful,' -  I now see, realize and understand that I'm NOT taking into account that differences of education that was presented, I'm also NOT understanding the entire point of, 'intellectuals,' merely being just like any other being that is trapped within and as knowledge/information to communicate/write/speak a certain way - I do NOT accept or allow myself to trap myself within comparison of how others communicate to make words sound, 'beautiful,' but allow myself to understand that since this world is driven by knowledge/information people are going to give values and definitions to people that know a lot of information - therefore - I allow myself to see, realize and understand that living a life of how much I can remember is not in-fact communication to make wording seem, 'beautiful,' but in-fact more empty meaningless knowledge that never stood a chance to/towards Life to bring about a world where everyone can be educated equally and to actually communicate for real - to finally bring the words back to Life.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the words that I even speak in complete unawareness of Life IS always here, in essence, I'm stating, "I'm NOT here," - within this I'm NOT understanding that even communication within and as complete unawareness of Life IS always here represents just how much I've suppressed/hid myself from Life in ALL ways to limit myself to a database of memory to think/believe that I must remember the point - NOT understanding in anyway that if this point IS me and here then I'm actually already here, therefore, there is no logical excuse to NOT communicate/write/speak in anyway to express/share in a moment to finally break free from the separation I've created to think/believe I must get somewhere/find something in my memory to actually understand the programs within and as myself to break free from the bondage I've held to always hide/suppress myself to express/share within and as communication - within this I now see, realize and understand that I'm also separating myself from my own memories - NOT understanding that every memory is always here in real time - therefore - trying/attaining to get something/find something within my memories is only mere proof of just how much we've separated ourselves from our own time-line on this planet - therefore - I allow myself to live every moment and every memory - HERE - in REAL Time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify/abdicate self-responsibility to the VERY points I've created and say to myself, "The point isn't here," - within this is mere confirmation to NOT investigate the very nature of what I've created and if every point is here and I'm deliberately NOT looking at the point that which is always here, then I now see, realize and understand how much I've separated myself from my own creation of programs to never in-fact change in anyway - within this I'm NOT understanding how much I've enslaved myself and how me simply justifying/abdicating the VERY points I've created show/reveals the true nature of my own ignorance to NOT see, realize and understand in-fact that every decision/movement has an outflow that affects people in some ways - therefore - I now actually understand that if I continue justifying/abdicating self-responsibilities to the VERY points I've created and say to myself, "The point isn't here," - then I know I'm just another CharACTer that is fueling/power this world and reality to continue NOT communicating/speaking/writing to finally spread the message of Desteni for humanity as a group to take back which is already here and that which has always been here - therefore - I allow myself to communicate/write/speak to spread the message of Equality & Oneness to in-fact become an Earthling that in-fact doesn't use and abuse my own backchat as a logical excuse to NOT will myself to share/express within and as communication to understand that communication is always here and waiting for the communicator to see, realize and understand that the words aren't in-fact alive - YET.

I now see, realize and understand that to become silent and suppress/hide to NOT share/express myself at all because I think and believe - "I don't have the words" or "I can't find the words," to the extent where I shut myself out from myself to NOT dictate everything that I express in the moment - within this I'm not understanding that I'm allowing my backchat to consume to the extent - wherein, I allow myself to completely become mute and uncomfortable/inferior to my own expression in the moment - I now see, realize and understand that limiting myself to thinking/believing that my database of knowledge/information is not here in the moment for me to write out a point to my utmost potential in specificity to actually understand how I've been shoving all forms of expression within myself in the gutter of my mind because of a mere idea I created that the point that I've created isn't here - I do NOT accept to allow myself to limit myself as self-expression to limit my expression to share/express in a moment because of NOT understanding that if a point isn't here - I'm NOT here - therefore - I'm NOT understanding in anyway how I'm condemning myself to forever become another charACTer in this matrix to forevermore become nothing more and nothing less then another walking, talking and complete actor fueling/powering the matrix to continue NOT seeing what is here in this world and reality to always find some justification to always hide/suppress the actuality of the complete separation we've been living as Actors.

I now see, realize and understand that I did NOT in anyway take into consideration that all this reality has become is people speaking pretty words to entertain/distract ourselves/existence/life to never in anyway speak our words in actual practical-living - within this everyone has become a philosopher in someway or light worker to never LIVE actual words or love and light to ALL on Earth and so I now understand that communicating/speaking/writing is the ONLY way for there to be change but in the meantime its time to bring myself words out in the open to investigate the actuality of the words that I express/share and understand in complete humbleness that all the words I have ever spoken were in essence me speaking to myself to finally wake up myself to actually speak for the first time and understand that I've always never communicated but only spoken words to fuel/power my own ego and characters to always stop at nothing to LIVE my life as a philosopher and/or light worker to never understand that I've never actually been self-honest within and as myself for myself to investigate why/how I've been living my life communicating these words that only ever meant complete suppression/hiding to never in-fact LIVE my words in actual humbleness to finally share/express within communication to finally write/speak/share/express for the first time within self-honesty and NOT in my over-philosophized and heart-wrenching light worker fantasies.

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Day 4: How I Turned Against Myself

Fear of Being Judged by Others

Since I was about in preschool, I’ve been fearful of people because I was an extremely sick child and was coming in and out of ICU because of asthma. This led me to not have many child friends, therefore, most of my time was spent alone - wherein, I would just talk to myself and play by myself. My Mother was very protective of me because of this, and I was her first child and so having something happen to me was very devastating to her. Apparently, the asthma was so extensive that I died at birth and everyone said that I would talk to angels and tell them what angels ate. It’s a bit strange because during that time demons were using humans as their own personal meal, therefore, maybe children could’ve seen demons more clearly, while the adults were too busy worrying about everything. Anyway, back to the point, I would become very rigid around family members, even, talking to people was an extremely uncomfortable aspect/part of/as myself. So, fascinating how myself having complications as a child, led to becoming fearful of being judged by others. Throughout the years, communicating became more difficult for myself, and the after affects of myself having problems as a child, led, to myself having a lazy-eye, this was something I buried in my unconscious mind to suppress that I actually was uncomfortable within communication, because of fear being judged by my eyes.

Fear of Judgment from others is stemmed, from myself fear being the, ‘outcast,’ which I perceived myself to be the, ‘outcast,’ from the difference in how my functioning was, to other children. So, from a very young age I perceived myself as different from other children because of how I’ve perceived my appearance as an, outcast, wherein - this outcast persona, led, me to not see myself at all but continuously/consistently looking for/from how others seen myself. Another point that is coming up is, how when I was a child and I was sheltered away because of my Mom’s fears that I ended up fearing the same, as well, the fear of outside-sources hurting your child, wherein - I had taken this solitude as a confirmation point that one shouldn’t spend too much outside because you would get hurt. Literally, The Sins of the Fathers. Stopping this fear has become such a part/aspect of my pre-programming, that stopping it seems ludicrous because I’ve defined the judgement from others, as a security-blanket for myself to not face myself, by/through facing the world of how people see me.

So, there is definitely separation that I’ve created from other human-beings that I’m judging myself to, because of not seeing the human-beings that I’m fearing being judged from, one and equal to myself. I was about to write that the projection I’m projecting towards human-beings is simply not seeing others one and equal to myself, but that’s not the case. As I said above, the projection that I’m projecting at others is perceiving myself as an outcast from my physical appearance, meaning, I’m not looking at this internally as well, for myself to see how I’m perceiving myself as the, ‘outcast,’ from a very internal stand-point.

I stand one and equal to/as Judgment.
I stand one and equal to/as perceiving myself as the, ‘outcast.’
I am not accepting and allowing projections that I’m projecting at others is perceiving myself as an, ‘outcast,’ from my physical appearance, internally as well, I see myself clear and free myself of any judgments that I’m projecting at myself within this moment, to stand up one and equal of/as Judgment and Outcast, as, ‘who I am,’ as Oneness and Equality of Life as Life, Breath By Breath.

The emotional attachment is fear, of course and inferiority, wherein - I’m perceiving myself as an, ‘outcast,’ to not see myself as an equal to anyone in anyway, whatsoever, wherein - the trigger point is seeing how my functioning was different to other children, for/as not seeing that one can be one and equal to anyone, rather it meaning looking differently - internally/externally.

Fearing Judgment from Others started taking over my time, geez, its actually always taken over my time but it started really affecting me in a very negative way, when I was growing up in my teenage years. I started becoming very fearful of my body, which, led to myself becoming obsessive about what I should/shouldn’t eat, leading, towards periods of binge eating and starving myself for long periods. Within all this, I never actually looked at myself, in self-honesty - I was obsessed. Overtime, I became very depressed, focused merely on my school-work to gain control of my world/reality but that would literally be my life, when, I wasn’t too busy obsessing on how people perceived me.

I forgive myself that I’ve have accepted and allowed myself to define myself to/towards the reactions that I experience in relation to being and becoming fearful of people judging me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that the reactions that I experience to/towards being and becoming fearful of people judging me, is a representation of, ‘who I am,’ as my pre-programmed personality, therefore, being the perfect justification to abdicate my self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the emotional reactions that I experience to such an extent to/towards fearing being judged by others, that I’ve allowed myself to let it consume myself within and as allowing it to be and become a scapegoat for myself, because its become such a natural part of myself and my reality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse the experience of being sick as a child, as a scapegoat, to not face my world/reality but continuously/consistently utilize it as the perfect excuse to seclude myself from my world/reality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my Mom for/as always being alone as a child to never actually face myself, within facing this world and not secluding myself from everyone because of using and abusing being sick to not live and express myself, unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to utilize my Mother as a scapegoat of/as myself to not take self-responsibility because of using and abusing the excuse of being sick as the perfect ploy to not face myself and my reality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame/resent my Mom for all those years hiding myself away from myself and my reality, because of never understanding and facing on my own but seeing that I really had no choice but to go along with my Mom to not face my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame/resent my Mom to/as all the experiences that I didn’t get to see and realize for myself, the point of actually facing this world, because I didn’t get to hide away from my own free-will.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my Mom’s fears of something happening to me, into my own self-interest to not face my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse my physical functioning as the perfect scapegoat to not communicate with others but continuously/consistently feeding my fear of people judging me, within and as my physical appearance - meaning, actually everything of myself - internally and externally.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to throughout the years be and become uncomfortable talking to others because of my lazy-eye, leading, towards burying the uncomfortable emotional reactions that I was experiencing unconsciously to/towards suppressing that I was actually uncomfortable within communication, because of fear being judged by my eyes.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to unconsciously feed the desire of relief to not face my fears of the uncomfortable emotional reactions that has manifested for/as myself to face my fears of being judged by others, because of my lazy-eye, but continuously and consistently hiding behind my Mom as the perfect scapegoat for others to feel sorry for me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my Mom’s fear to condition myself to not face myself in anyway but use and abuse her fear towards other to feel sorry for me, that I never get to leave the house.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate the fear of judgment from other to/towards fear being perceived the, ‘outcast.’

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that because I was judging myself in relation to the lazy eyes through projecting the judgment upon other’s eye’s view of me, I’ve utilized a protection mechanism of hiding and out-casting myself from society and thereby, experienced myself as an outcast, blaming everyone for my own self created experience so that I won’t have to see my responsibility and practically change.

I forgive myself that I HAVE accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself and haven't allowed myself to see, realize and practically live Equality & Oneness BECAUSE I'm continuously and consistently comparing myself to others and therefor judge myself, and i haven't realize that by doing so, i'm sabotaging and compromising myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately be and become this, ‘outcast persona,’ on purpose for myself to continuously and consistently look for/from how others seen me, because in actuality I never seen myself at all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the continuous and consistent fear from my Mother, be and become my own fear, as a confirmation point that being sheltered away is actually acceptable for me to participate in.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not ever question my Mom’s fear of allowing me to face the outside world that allowed it to be and become me to such an extent that it became a natural part of myself, in actuality not seeing the point of taking on the sins of fear, after generation, after generation but simply define the judgment from others, as a security-blanket for myself to not face myself, by/through facing the world of how people see me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from other human-beings to such an extent that I don’t see them one and equal, as myself, but project how others is perceiving myself as an, ‘outcast,’ from an internal-external stand-point.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate the fear of being judged by others to/as the emotional reactions of fear and inferiority.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the fear of being judged by others within and as the emotional reactions of fear and inferiority.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the fear of being judged by others and from the emotional reactions of fear and inferiority, within separating myself from the fear of being judged by others and from the emotional reactions of fear and inferiority, in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate the trigger point of seeing how my functioning was different to other children to/as the fear of being judged by others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the trigger point of seeing how my functioning was different to other children, within and as the fear of being judged by others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the trigger point of seeing how my functioning was different to other children and from the fear of being judged by others, within separating from the trigger point of seeing how my functioning was different to other children and from how my functioning was different to other children, in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let the fear of judgment from others want me to distract myself from myself, to/as the affect of being and becoming obsessed with my physical body to such an extent that I abused myself within starving myself or making myself throw up.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse my physical body because of being too busy perceiving the perceptions of others as a self-definition of, ‘who I am.’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize for myself to utilize people’s perceptions of me as a gift to actually see if I value myself as life to not react to others words that are only reflections back at them to see into them, therefore, I see and realize that when I see into others the words are only points for myself to stand.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse the fear of judgment to/towards participating in depression to not face myself but lose myself, within and as school-work to gain control of my world/reality because I never actually controlled anything of myself, because I was too busy allowing the fear of judgment from others to possess me to not see myself, at all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to waste and wait for myself to realize the extent that I’m abusing myself to other people’s perceptions, that are in actuality their own fears to themselves, therefore, I see into simplicity that perceptions are only deceptions of the mind to not see oneself as one and equal to life but a slave to the fear of being judged by others.

When and as I see myself using my complications of the totality of/as myself - internally/externally, I stop, I breathe, and I bring myself back, ‘here,’ to/as not use and abuse something of myself that I’m perceiving as, ‘different,’ but actually understand how I’m using and abusing the physical complications that I have no control of to literally take Troll of how I’m seeing myself - internally.

When and as I see myself to use and abuse the fear that I experience to/towards myself of how I’m perceiving myself as, ‘different,’ to/as others that I’m communicating with, I allow myself to see and realize that becoming very rigid around people or family members isn’t what I’m being uncomfortable about, its the uncomfortability to be and become comfortable within myself to embrace the comfortness of/as actual expression of being different and seeing we’re all actually different, but that doesn’t mean that has to be something, ‘bad,’ or, ‘good.’

When and as I see myself suppressing the suppressions that are Pressing on me from my unconscious mind, I allow myself to see and realize its merely a point for myself to walk, and its not necessary to go to the extent and participate in being uncomfortable within communication, there, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here to actually come to a solution for/as the suppressions that I’m becoming one and equal too, instead of being and becoming one and equal to the unconscious build up of points that I’m suppressing to walk, step by step - Breath by Breath.

When and as I see myself associating fear of judgment to perceiving myself as the, ‘outcast,’ to how my functioning is/was to other children, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back, ‘here,’ wherein - instead, I didn’t allow myself to see or realize how I’m actually seeing myself at all, when I’m seeking the secret codes to how others want me to be and become, therefore, I’ll ask myself the question, “What am I actually standing and existing as, within fearing how others are judging me”? or, “Am I actually judging myself”?

When and as I see myself participating in Sins in the Fathers of/as sheltering myself away from my world/reality, I allow myself to realize for myself that secluding myself away from this world is actually secluding myself from myself, because this world is a reflection of myself, therefore, I don’t want to see or face myself because of using and abusing self-judgment as an excuse to hold unto like some, ‘security-blanket,’ to not face myself = Facing the world.

When and as I see myself being and becoming depressed within spending my entire time and energy within my school-work to gain some sort of control of my world/reality, because I won’t allow myself to control anything of my life, within always wanting/needing and desiring to please others to judge myself - I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here, actually listening to myself to see why I abuse myself to such an extent because of the self-judgment that I project at myself and my reality.

When and as I see myself using and abusing my physical body, within becoming obsessive about what I should/shouldn’t eat, leading, towards periods of binge eating and starving myself for long periods, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back,’here,’ to/as look within myself to see and realize that becoming obsessive about my physical-appearance is a reflection point for myself to, ‘Bring it back to myself,’ and ask myself questions to investigate why I want to appear a certain way for others.

Simplicity is the key.

Judged

Judged->Jagad, meaning that I'm being and become jagad, meaning, 'inconsistent,' and full of functions that aren't working well because of the judgement.

Within the word, ‘judged,’ I see that there a very keen reference to being judged in the past but never actually, ‘here,’ in the moment of expression. The connotation I have attached to/towards

Judged - Is the evaluation of functionality in the making of a decision.

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