Day 78: I Need Stability In My Life

This is a continuation to Day 77: Dirty Little Family Secrets
The most crucial/important part/aspect I am realizing within/as the family point is that I've allowed myself to completely give into/as my mind when/as I am facing my family - because it's as though I have created two personalities in relation to my family - meaning that I will mold/shape my expression to those in my family immediately creating a separation point between 'me' and 'them,' that I don't see those in my family as actual people who have had been preprogrammed to have certain belief-systems to live throughout their lives - within this I will create a personality based on being stable/unstable when/as I am facing them in the moment, only my entire basis on what stability in fact means to live has been convoluted based on a polarity system that I am living in their presence - because when I am experiencing myself as being stable, here, and breathing - I immediately observe those in my outer-reality within/as the starting-point of judgment - now when I am experiencing myself as being stable, I get quite silent and the people around me notice that I am behaving rather weird/strange - because I have assumed/perceived that stability in fact represents to avoid/suppress hide communication at all costs - so I have especially/specifically in relation to my family have treated them as a division lining between 'me' and 'them,' that I don't actually investigate why/how those in my immediate outer-reality have behaved the way they have - and so my defense mechanism in other words would be to avoid/suppress hide communication at all costs because I experience myself as easily falling - from the perspective that I simply forget to actually breathe, being stable, that I immediately mold/shape my expression - because I experience myself as having to be on guard for the apparent attack that I already mind-project is going to happen before it actually does - and so I am of course going to face a consequential outflow because of already assuming/perceiving that something is going to happen - so I've noticed that I also hold my breath as though I am waiting for the inevitable of the abuse coming from my parents - and thus my body becomes quite stiff in complete defense mode - so I will wait until my family has left the immediate environment to actually focus on my breathing - thus, it's quite clear that I am already sabotaging myself to walk the family point, before I have even walked the point - because I immediately connect and link my mind-projections of how much I am going to be attacked/abused in some shape/form.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create two personalities when/as I am in the presence of my family and within this would this create a belief/idea about how much I have to be stable, here, and breathing - that I move from one energy point to experiencing myself as being stable to being in defense-mode, not investigating how/why I have allowed myself to completely take away my power based on how I will immediately mold/shape my expression to those in my family, and thus I would be too busy over-analyzing the person/situation that is connected/linked to my family to even actually take a deep breath - to understand that I am creating a personality based on the connection and link of my mind-projections to how I am apparently suppose to behave. I now see, realize and understand that I am preventing myself from actually getting to know how I can walk stability, here, and actually no longer move from one personality to another that was only a polarity game to try/attain/attempt to figure out everything - instead I allow myself to learn to understand that being in the presence of those in my immediate reality, is actually an awesome chance/opportunity to live here. When and as I see myself moving from one personality to another based on those in my immediate reality - I stop and I breathe - I do not accept or allow myself to continue judging/defining who I am suppose to be in the presence of my family - but instead I commit myself to really getting to know myself within/as stability, no longer being dominated on all these projections to how I am suppose to be like in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through the presence of being around my family, connect and link my mind-projections of how I am apparently suppose to behave - thinking and believing that when I am in the company of my family that I must behave in what I've believed to be stable - Within this I would then be creating stability as an personality to mold/shape my expression - and then I would immediately assume that I am actually living stability, only it was never stability that I was living - but just another experience to continue molding/shaping my expression to remain a characterization that was only my mind trying/attaining/attempting to over-analyze what it means to experience stability, only it was never about experiencing stability - but living stability here in each moment within/as self-awareness. I now see, realize and understand that I am preventing myself from getting to myself within/as stability when I allow myself to go far away off into/as my mind and over-analyzing how I am apparently suppose to behave - linking it to past/memories/experiences that I have had. I commit myself to - when and as I see myself making mind-correlations based on how I am apparently suppose to mold/shape my expression to live out an experience based on polarity - to actually learn to live stability, remain here, breathing - not allowing myself to go into/as my mind - but to instead really start investigating that if I can spend so much effort/dedication on how I am suppose to experience stability, that I can in fact live stability, no longer dominated by/through how I am apparently suppose to behave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only face my family based on a separation point between 'me' and 'them,' that which I have carried a belief/idea that I am facing myself versus my family - and within this would only see my family has something to overcome/obstacle - dependent on how I have wanted/desired myself to be behave within/as stability - dependent on moving from one personality to another that which I would never see my family as individuals who have been preprogramed to have certain belief-systems to live throughout their lives. I now see, realize and understand that I can never be able to face my family within/as complete trust and intimacy, if I am not even seeing my family as people - meaning I am not seeing them as equals when I am too busy in my mind creating all these assumptions about how I am suppose to overcome them and instead I furthermore commit myself to really also getting to know my family as people based on the principle of Oneness & Equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my family are an obstacle/transcendence point and something to overcome based on what I am creating within/as my mind about how I am not seeing my family as human beings that are one/equal to myself - not seeing/realizing/understanding that my family are people who didn't just magically wake up one day to attack/abuse myself, because it's quite obvious that it was the separation point, as I am seeing now to treat other people as an separation point is all sabotage for myself - where I take a part how/why I am separating myself those that is reflecting back to myself and within that would thus sabotage myself into thinking/believing that my family are reflecting back to myself from the starting-point of being an obstacle/transcendence point and something to overcome, and so I am only giving them a value to live based on my grounds to live out a character that was never actually stable in the first place or could ever be. I now see, realize and understand that my family are human beings that are worth much more then to simply being an idea/belief - but an awesome opportunity for myself to see how I can really get to know myself based on living the principle of Oneness & Equality when/as I am presence of those that I am communicating with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that people within/as my world/reality only are an obstacle/transcendence point and something to overcome because of how I wanted/desired myself to experience myself as being stable based on past experiences/memories I have had that if I am not constantly facing an experience then I am fucked - and because of this would thus think and believe that if I did actually stop not living the experience that is the stability character then that must mean that I have done something wrong/negative/bad - and within this would thus create energetic charges based on craving the experience I have linked to be stability to remain living out a character/personality - not seeing/realizing or understanding that it is myself that is in fact living here within/as self-awareness that doesn't need/require someone/something to prove that stability is here and real. I now see, realize and understand that dependent on the experience based the people within/as my world/reality I would immediately have desire about chasing after an experience that this would be my entire basis of trust to walk this process - instead of actually trusting myself live stability - when all the while that which I was changing myself to live out energy. I commit myself to, when I am living out an experience and calling it stability, to always make sure that I remain here, stable, breathing, expressing me as who I am - not taking on abusing others to make me experience myself as being stable - thus I instead within moments in where I see that I am craving for the experience of stability - to stop and breathe - bring myself back to here and express myself as who I actually am and within that I furthermore commit myself to get to know people and myself as no longer living by/through an experience - not form an idea/belief/perception about stability according to believe that change is finally here.

To Be Continued...

Related articles

• 151. The Food for Thought is Our Flesh (marlenvargasdelrazo.wordpress.com)
• "I can only do so much in a day" as Self Manipulation - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 150 (anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress.com)
• Investigating My Apparent "NEED" to Sleep-In. - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 155 (anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress.com)
• Study shows ancient relations between language families (esciencenews.com)
• Battle of the MIN(e)D (Self Correction) - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 140 (anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress.com)
• Meditation Part II (responsiveuniverse.wordpress.com)
• Day 64: Holding on to Myself (ylaww.blogspot.com)

DAY 75: To the Best of My Ability

~Picture of me sitting at my computer, writing out points that I am not integrating to the best of my ability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought as image of me sitting at my computer, writing out points that I am not integrating to the best of my ability - to exist within and as myself, wherein I will in the moment actually purposely/deliberately write myself out from the starting-point of not integrating the writing as an actual self-realization, because I will during the moment I am writing and before hand I am about to write myself out, a little voice will pop up telling me that I am being dishonest and need to STOP, take a look at my starting-point and MOVE MYSELF, for real, in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to purposely/deliberately shove aside the voice of reason - to look inside myself in terms of common-sense - where I will accept and allow myself to shove aside support from to take a step back and look at my starting point - without practically looking at why/how I am shoving aside common-sense in the first place - to no longer remain writing within and as a starting-point of self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able or worthy within and as writing myself to freedom to the best of my ability - wherein I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must write a certain way in order to get my point across - not seeing/realizing/understanding that as I am wanting/desiring to get my point across I end of somewhere in my mind, trying/attaining/attempting to reach this idea/belief about how incompetent/less than I am to never be able to possibly assist/support in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I MUST get a point across to someone or something outside myself within and as writing for people to be able to understand what I am pointing out in the first place - wherein I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I MUST continuously find a magnificent point for someone to be able to understand what I am point out - not seeing/realizing/understanding that the point is here and there is nobody to prove myself to, in the first place - because all is HERE, and thus I allow myself to LIVE this to my fullest potential, NOT squandering each opportunity after another because I believe that I am not worthy or not able to even realize that everything is here in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume and perceive that I am too incompetent/less than to actually realize that everything is here, and thus there is nothing to point out in the first place - because I have lived my entire Life, assuming/perceiving that I am too something to actually LIVE to my fullest potential, and thus writing has become the exact same matter for myself - not seeing/realizing/understanding that one doesn't have to be something in order to apparently deserve realizing that everything is here, because that would just be a contradiction to what Equality & Oneness in fact means.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I since I am apparently something like being incompetent/less than, then I cannot realize how to LIVE to my fullest potential, like integrating the words that I am writing to my fullest potential - because I have mind-projected certain characteristics as deserving or non-deserving of actually being free to LIVE - not seeing/realizing/understanding that this is a confirmation how I have a limited perception about what freedom in fact means.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mind-project certain assumptions about certain characteristics and within this give them certain values and definitions, that which would give someone a polarity mind-fuck of good/bad rewards that the person would acquire within and as their particular characteristic - not seeing/realizing/understanding the key word here, CHARACTER, thus - I now see, realize and understand that if I continue mind-projecting assumptions about what people will deserve, then I will spend my Life never in fact integrating anything remotely to my utmost potential - because at the end of the day it will be about which character would win/lose in the Game of Life - to continuously live a life full of survival and competition that was only about moving from one polarity to another.

When/as/if the thought as image of me sitting at my computer, writing out points that I am not integrating to the best of my ability -- I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back HERE - I realize that I am purposely/deliberately setting myself up to never in fact integrate the words as an actual practical-living solution, because I was too busy shoving the voice of reason telling me to take a step back and re-look at my starting-point - I commit myself to indeed stop, take a deep breath, and MOVE MYSELF, because I allow myself to SLOW DOWN - to not squander what is real and tangible to walk the talk.

When/as/if I believe that I am not able or worthy within and as writing myself to freedom -- I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back HERE - I realize that the key word here is FREEDOM, that which is including everyone here within and as this world/reality, including myself, to no longer squander a perfect structure that is writing because of belittling myself - I commit myself to become humble, and realize that everyONE here in this world/reality is one and equal, and thus writing is the same matter.

To Be Continued...

Related articles

• Day 128: Nothing to do with Me character part 2 (adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress.com)
• 168. Thoughts as Self-Created Resistance (marlenvargasdelrazo.wordpress.com)
• The Accumulation of Moments Squandered - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 147 (anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress.com)
• Day 155: Oh MY God, I've Lost it (cathy4worldequality.wordpress.com)
• Day 63: Effective Writing pt. 2 (adriansjourneytolife.wordpress.com)
• 172. Creating Excuses instead of Solutions (marlenvargasdelrazo.wordpress.com)
• Day 135: Is self-intimacy beautiful? (arvydasjourney.wordpress.com)
• Day 146: Forgiving the politician in me (arvydasjourney.wordpress.com)
• Day 67: Laziness and Procrastination (adriansjourneytolife.wordpress.com)

Day 72: How Writing Could Become a Trap

 This is a continuation to Day 71: Writing Is Hard (Or Is It?)
~Picture of me writing out looooooong points with a frown on my face, jumping from one point to another.
~Picture of me writing out shooooort points with a frown on my face.
~Picture of me sitting at the computer, comparing myself to all the other Destonian's writings
~Picture of me sitting at my computer, writing out points that I am not integrating to the best of my ability.
~Picture of me looking at my writing with a frown on my face.
~Picture of me looking at my writing with a frown on my face, when I am finished for the day.
~Picture of me falling asleep in the middle of writing.

~Picture of me writing out looooooong points with a frown on my face, jumping from one point to another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I MUST write out everything structured in a very looooooong structure to be able to be/become specific.

I forgive myself for accepting and myself to believe that I MUST write out everything structured in a very loooooong structure to be able to be/become specific, as an obligation - and thus within this would allow writing out to be and become a duty/obligation that I MUST complete a certain way, compromising/sabotaging/abusing myself in the process, to be and become a duty/obligation - not seeing/realizing/understanding that writing is for SELF - because I was too busy writing out from the starting-point that it MUST be done in a way that is apparently matching up to specificity, I have used/abused specificity as a idea/belief, and thus would compromise/sabotage/abuse myself in the process - as I now see, realize and understand how I've allowed writing to be/become a duty/obligation - because I haven't allowed myself to realize that writing is for SELF - as an anchor of support to express myself, absolutely and specifically.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to write from the starting point of obligation/duty, as "something I must do in a very non-tangible way" - because I have allowed writing to be/become just another form of limitation/enslavement, I have used to enclose myself to myself, and thus would lose myself within and as writing from a starting-point of being/becoming an obligation/duty - not seeing/realizing/understanding that I am setting myself up for falling in this process of re-birthing myself within and as this one life, and thus I am merely squandering a perfect chance/opportunity to in fact write myself out - to in fact walk my talk here in this one life - as I now see, realize and understand how I've consulted writing as just another character - because I have allowed writing to be/become a duty/obligation - to remain playing it safe - instead - I take a deep breath - to give myself a moment to gift myself the chance/opportunity to re-look at my starting-point of writing to in fact be/become a door of opportunity - to un-MASK the characters that I play-out when/as I am writing myself out, that which will inevitably bring about change that is best for all life, that which is also best for me.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to REALize how writing out looooong or shoooooort writings have nothing to do with specificity, as specificity is realizing a point - and thus within this expanding the realization to in fact get to the root of how I have allowed writing to be/become something a chore/obligation, and thus I would jump from one point to another - because I wasn't in actuality writing myself out, as specificity doesn't imply the length - as I now see, realize and understand that if that were the case than everyONE would realize what an actual chance/opportunity it is to in fact write in the first place - because for gazillions of years - writing has been a chore/obligation, and thus we would write out empty words that are are left by/through interpretation - to never in fact actually see what is here, in that which is no longer seeing into the veil of the mind - to create a platform of seeming within and as the body, NOT the mind, creating a solution that is best for all, that which is best for all, and thus within this would allow INTO-ME-SEE be/become a door of opportunity, that which will allow ourselves to no longer remain blind.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that writing out loooooong points or short points makes a difference on how I am actually expanding myself, including who I am within and as specificity - because I have allowed writing to be/become a ground of judgment to see myself as superior or inferior, and thus I have squandered a perfect door of opportunity to equalize myself to in fact integrate the words that I am writing out, one by one, no longer limiting/enslaving myself, and thus would instead in fact learn to write all over again - as I now see, realize and understand that I've correlated writing within and as knowledge/information - to treat writing like a chore/obligation - because I gave into what I was taught throughout my life on what writing should/shouldn't be used for in the first place - instead - I allow myself to in fact write myself to freedom, for real, in that which is tangible, that which will allow me to grow/develop/expand myself, in all ways possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist writing myself to freedom because I have judged this point, including myself, as "something bigger than myself" - and thus within this would allow a image of me writing out loooooong points with a frown on my face, jumping from one point to another, to exist within and as myself - as I now see, realize and understand how I've correlated specificity in relation to writing out loooooong points - because I have allowed writing myself out become self-sabotage - a point which I have found self-judgment in, I have used to diminish me, I have used as something to be/become inferior, and thus would define myself as superior in regards to someone giving me positive feed back - not seeing/realizing/understanding that the feed back that I give has absolutely nothing to do within and as how I am actually assisting/supporting myself, and thus I am merely pulling a huuuuuuge polarity mind-fuck game to instead stop, take a deep breath - to create a platform of writing, in that which is tangible - yet specific - to create a solution that is best for all, that which is best for me.

I commit myself to when/as/if this thought as image of me writing out loooooong points, jumping from one point to another -- I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back HERE to in fact ensure that I no longer treat writing as another characterization for me to never un-mask the characters of who I am within and as writing - because I have treated writing as a chore/obligation - to merely get gone - instead - I allow myself myself to realize that writing is a door of opportunity to realize who I am/have been - without the interference of the mind - but simply gift myself the chance/opportunity to realize that writing is here - to re-create myself that which is best for all life, that which is also best for me.

I commit myself to when/as/if this thought as image of me writing out looooong points, jumping from one point to another -- I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back HERE to in fact ensure that specificity does not mean/imply how long/short I am writing myself out - but simply the starting-point to ALWAYS be SELF - because I have allowed myself to treat writing as a chore/obligation, something to finish/complete to get to the next task/assignment - I allow myself to realize that when/as/if I am treating writing as another to in fact stop - because this is a confirmation that I am not here as breath as self-expression - but instead I am busy in my mind to get to the next quickie, that which always involves being a slave/character to time, so - I allow myself to simply get back to REALity to no longer squander a chance/opportunity to expand myself, in all ways possible, for real in fact.

Related articles

• Day 63: Effective Writing pt. 2
• 168. Thoughts as Self-Created Resistance
• 170. Positive Thinking Irresponsibility
• 167. Fearing is Not wanting to Change
• Day 67: Laziness and Procrastination
• WORK/JOB and Automated Negative Experience - Self Corrections (Cont) - An Artists Journey To Life: day 149
• Manipulation Part 1 Day 3
• Day 158: Physical dimension - strain in the shoulders
• Day 146: Forgiving the politician in me
• Fearing The Moment When I Sit Down To Write - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 138

Day 71: Writing Is Hard (Or Is It?)

Okay, so - I've been having a lot of resistance to writing because I am quite self-aware that I am not changing in fact because I see/realize/understand it's because my current structure of writing is all over the place - not from the perspective of me judging my writings, but from a common-sense perspective that if I see that a point isn't working in my application, I must correct myself to the best of my ability, and so writing in a very looooooong manner doesn't in fact mean I am being specific in anyway, but who I am within and as the starting-point of writing myself out. I also fear that if I start writing out points more simplistically, that I will seen as lazy/undisciplined, which is quite fascinating because my writing from the get go wasn't in fact me actually disciplining myself to the best of my ability because I wasn't living my words - lol. So - I have placed myself in quite a mind-fuck, though I allow myself to get back to reality to in fact see/realize/understand that specificity doesn't in anyway mean or imply having long ass pages of words that I am not living in the first place - so, it's important for me to actually have a tangible structure to work on - to in fact change myself.

Psssshhh - I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders because I am now starting to realize that specificity doesn't in fact mean or imply that I must continuously write out some point that is only merely compounding/fueling/perpetuating by/through jumping from one point to another - not seeing/realizing/understanding what I am actually writing out in the first place because the self-corrective statements weren't tangible and I was too busy judging myself to actually realize what I am forgiving in the first place.

So, in essence I just put myself through a long ass time loop - lol - no worries - and so I allow myself to accept the point as it is to in fact move on, because the self-judgment I have put myself through in relation to writing is extensive and one of the most extensive points I have projected to myself - all because I had this idea/belief about what specificity in relation to writing in fact means. So - I accept in complete humbleness that if it takes me 1 time or a gazillion times to actually have a structure to in fact live here within and as this physical reality, then I accept the lovely challenge to get to know myself over and over, until I am in fact alive.

It's quite fascinating how one can have one idea/belief about something and allow it to continue for an immense amount of time because of this idea/belief, that it leaves the perfect door of opportunity that is writing to be and become a place of sabotage/abuse/compromise to not in fact live our words. Because, - I frankly, don't want to abuse/compromise/sabotage a door of opportunity just because I've placed this idea/belief that writing is somehow "bigger than myself" - not seeing/realizing/understanding that writing becomes "bigger than myself" when/as I am separated myself from who I am/could actually be and become - because I am too projecting all these stupid illusions to writing, and so writing becomes something very difficult in my mind - because I am in fact separate from the words that I am presenting in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear writing as always remaining "bigger than myself."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear writing because of the various unconscious values and definitions I have unconsciously mind-projected to/towards writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project writing as "bigger than myself" and within this I react within and as fear - instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that writing is here as I am here, and so it's irrelevant for me to place certain values and definitions because of Fear of Writing.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have placed and given certain values and definitions to/towards writing, because I haven't allowed myself to trust myself here as the words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to not face myself within and as writing instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that writing is simply writing, unless I am self-creating mind-projections that I have harbored to remain fearing who I am within and as writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self-create the idea/belief that writing is "bigger than myself" because the projections I have harbored to remain thinking, believing and perceiving that writing is needed/required to perfect specificity - instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that perfection is not outside myself, but the purification of/as words to actually walk my talk.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that writing within and as the starting-point of being "bigger than myself" isn't going to assist/support myself to purify my relationship to words, as I am escaping who I am within and as writing to walk my talk, for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create writing as this world "bigger than myself"- and within that allow writing to exist from the starting-point of being hard/difficult/impossible - instead of seeing/realizing/understanding how/why I am allowing myself to get suck in time-loops that only ever involved moving from one energy point to another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that writing is hard/difficult/impossible because I am trying/attaining/attempting to be and become "specific" - not seeing/realizing/understanding that I am reaching outward to purposely/deliberately remain assuming/perceiving that writing is and will always remain "bigger than myself."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purposely/deliberately place myself in time-loops to remain assuming/perceiving that specificity is something outside myself to be and become, and so I am merely moving from one polarity to specificity to not-specificity - either way placing myself in an inevitable time-loop to never in fact face who I am within and as writing - because I have allowed FEAR to consume me in every way possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that specificity implies and/or means writing out long ass statements that I am not even integrating - because I am too busy trying/attaining/attempting to be and become the idea/belief I have unconsciously mind-projected to/towards what specificity in fact means in the first place - not seeing/realizing/understanding that specificity within and as the starting-point of an illusional idea/belief will inevitably lead me to a time-loop that only ever involved more FEAR.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience FEAR to such an extent in relation to writing, that I never actually had made the choice/decision to place what is needed/required into alignment to assist/support myself - instead I've allowed myself to remain experiencing FEAR, because I wanted/desired to reach for a nonexistent specificity that only ever involved an idea/belief, at the end of the day.

When and as I see myself compromising/abusing/sabotaging the door of opportunity that is writing -- I stop and I breathe. I now see, realize and understand that writing is simply writing - unless it involves my own self-creation that involved illusionary mind-projections that never actually had allowed me to live my words as an expression of myself.

When and as I see myself experiencing FEAR because I experience writing "bigger than myself" -- I stop and I breathe - I now see, realize and understand that experiencing FEAR will only compound/fuel/power the FEAR I experience further to the point that I remain experiencing writing as an endless point that will never end - because I've allowed myself to throughout time accumulate energy, without any practical-application, I am of course going to have many points coming up to the surface, and so I commit myself to be and become patient within and as myself to in fact see/realize/understand that the FEAR I experience is not the end of the world, but simply showing/revealing how much FEAR I have accumulated throughout time about who I am in relation to writing.

I commit myself to investigate myself in how I experience writing in order to realize that writing isn't an of/as FEAR or even an experience in the first place, but an expression waiting to actually be lived here within and as this physical reality.

I commit myself to establish specificity by/through trusting myself within and as writing to no longer unconsciously accumulate FEAR in relation to something being and becoming "bigger than myself" - because everything is here, and so writing is here to actually enjoy myself - not accumulating FEAR, because I have unconsciously mind-projected tons of ideas/beliefs about what specificity in fact means in the first place.




To Definitely Be Continued...

Related articles

• 167. Fearing is Not wanting to Change
• 168. Thoughts as Self-Created Resistance
• Day 67: Laziness and Procrastination
• Day 153: Fear Me Not
• 170. Positive Thinking Irresponsibility
• Day 151: Control Freak
• Day 63: Effective Writing pt. 2
• Day 50: How Do you Overcome The Allure of Sleeping Pills? Commitment Statements
• Day 69: Self Portrayal

Day 69: A LIFE WORTH LIVING...

This is a continuation to Day 68: I Fear Change
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that “reaching my potential” must imply that I must go outside myself and do something that society considers to be good/right/successful - within this I have not considered/taken into consideration/into account that what I am in essence doing is trying/attaining/attempting to be and become something that society has considered to be "winning in life" - not seeing, realizing and understanding that it was never about what society has considered/taken into consideration/into account how/why live should or shouldn't be lived - because it was I who had made the choice/decision to project/place Life as this game that I must continuously "reach my true potential" - therefore, I have assumed/perceived that Life was this maze that I must finally break through to be and become the winner, to be and become the apparent good/right/successful person that didn't exist in the first place, and so Life has been this maze to finally reach to the end as fast as possible to beat all the other mouses at their own game - I see and realize that continuing to exist as an idea/belief of what someone else assumes and perceives to be life is completely ludicrous, because I am here and thus I do not accept or allow myself to continue "reaching my potential" as some sort of reason to live here within and as this physical reality - therefore - I am compromising/abusing/sabotaging myself here within/as this life - because the potential is here/has always been here in every moment and of every breath that I take in here as self-awareness within and as this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself accordingly to how much society has general considered/taken into consideration/into account on a mind-level what "reaching one's potential" implies here within and as this physical reality - within this I would look outside myself in general at all the apparent good/right/successful parts/aspects that society has placed/mind-projected to be and become Life, and so when/as my Life didn't reflect what society apparently wanted/desired me to live as, I would immediately/instantaneously assume/perceive that "I am a complete failure" - not seeing/realizing/understanding that my entire starting-point was an idea/belief of what the collective as society has assumed/perceived to be worth Life, to be worth living, and so my world/reality would inevitably fall upon itself to in fact realize who I am/have become - I now see, realize and understand that "reaching for my potential" has only been reaching for some result/outcome that manifested similar to what society has assumed/perceived to be and become Life, to be worth living, and so I allow myself to stop and breathe - I realize that I AM A PART OF SOCIETY - thus I am fully and completely self-responsibile to placed/mind-projected Life to be this consistent polarity outflow when/as I am getting a certain result/outcome - therefore - I allow myself to stop and breathe - I realize that the solution/outcome is here as this breath - I do NOT accept or allow myself to live my life "reaching for my potential" - but instead I allow myself to realize/investigate/understand within and as myself how/why I've lived my Life always trying/attaining/attempting to win something that only involved a momentary energetic experience that in actuality has never/will never be able to be the potential for everyone to live here as breath in self-awareness in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I do NOT have to reach my true potential but instead I just can allow myself to continuously reach possible potential that only ever involved being and becoming some winner in this Life - because when/as I am actually being self-honest in the moment/breath/chance opportunity/potential that is actually real/valid, I can absolutely see, realize and understand that it always involved what I will get out of the solution/outcome - within this I react in complete FEAR of actually no longer playing the winner/loser game, because I actually take a thrill in all of it - I enjoy some people winning or losing - not seeing/realizing/understanding that when/as you have some people that win or lose - you have those in complete atrocious situations - to carry out the polarity - because at the end of the day the whole win or lose the game of life was only considering/taking into consideration/into account those with money in their pockets to be able to play the game in complete repetition until we die and continue the Game of Competition/Survival for generations to come - All because of what? Me winning something? Yes - winning the game of my continuous enslavement/limitation and those suffering in my name - all because I wanted/desired to continuously live in bliss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that "reaching for potential is justifiable/excusable - because of wanting/desiring to live my Life winning the prizes that I was throughout my Life to do everything in my delusional power to attain in the end - I now see, realize and understand that I am setting myself up to lose - from the perspective of not considering/taking into consideration/account those in my name that never had the chance/opportunity to even Create - because I have created Life as something to "reach for," within this I have not understood/realized/investigated what it means to actually have the potential/opportunity to Create in the first place - to be and become the Creator of my world/reality to actually live the opportunity/potential that is here in every moment of every breath - What are WE waiting for?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that the Life I am currently living is worth it in the first place to separate myself from my fellow brothers and sisters here in this world/reality for a momentary energetic experience to win something that only existed within and as my mind - in an idea/belief that I will solve anything - I now see, realize and understand that living in complete ignorance to what I am currently creating can actually be worth it in the end - not seeing, realizing, understanding the actuality of the manifested consequences I am currently creating within and as this world/reality - because I have limited/enslaved myself to ACTUALLY limit/enslave myself by/through "reaching for something" - within this I am only reaching for a delusional idea/belief of what it apparently means to live here within and as this physical reality - I see and realize that the only way I can actually reach for something is to reach within and as myself to change myself here as breath as self-awareness - taking self-responsibility for hiding behind my self-responsibility to actually be and become someone that actually cares about Life to in fact have compassion for those here - because I sure as Hell would want the same thing and not in the name of winning something that never existed in the first place but in the name of Life.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to Honor Life/Myself, Respect Life/Myself and Trust Life/Myself - but instead believe and think that "reaching for something" is somehow a Life worth it to be living - I now see, realize and understand that the only Life that is worth to be lived is here as breath in this very moment - NOT an unconscious collective of society creating all these assumptions and perceptions to live a certain way - therefore - I take a step back and allow myself to take a deep breath - to realize/understand/investigate that everyone has a choice/decision that is a part of the Elite, and so every person that is part of the Elite has to make the choice/decision for those that have absolutely no choice/decision but to remain waiting over and over for someone to finally stop reaching for something - to in fact reach inside ourselves the Honor, Respect and Trust that we can give to ourselves and those suffering in our name in every moment of every breath to how we choose/decide to live here in this Life.

To Be Continued...

Related articles

• Day 69: Self Portrayal
• Day 149: You hurt my feelings character
• The Accumulation of Moments Squandered - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 147
• Day 151: Control Freak
• Day 130: Mystery and Imagination 2
• Day 68: My Mind, My Saviour
• Day 65: Is this all that there is? Pt. 2
• Day 130: The Evil That Men Do
• 163. Who am I within Procrastination?
• Day 135: Is self-intimacy beautiful?

Day 68: I Fear Change

This is a continuation to Day 67: Don't Rock The Boat
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-realization because I am unconsciously placing/projecting all these pre-conceived ideals and because of this I have allowed myself to compromise/sabotage/abuse myself in complete repetition - instead of seeing/realizing/understanding how I am accumulating so much FEAR that I do not understand/investigate realize how the FEAR that I experience on a day to day basis on realization was in actuality connected to FEARING CHANGE - I see and realize that it's completely irrelevant for me to FEAR CHANGE because I am in actuality fearing who I am and inevitably must live within and as this physical reality - thus, I am HERE to in fact HERE myself to change myself, moment by moment, step by step, breath by breath, assisting and supporting myself to understand/realize/investigate how/why I've allowed myself to FEAR myself so much over the years to the extent/degree that I will abuse/compromise/sabotage myself simply because it's all I've ever known.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I MUST live dependent on the FEAR that I experience on a day to day basis, because I fear what will happen if I rock the boat within and as my world and reality - within this I am not considering/taking into consideration/into account how/why I've been allowing myself to see FEAR as an energy charger separate from myself, thus - not seeing/realizing/understanding that I am the Creator that created the FEAR that experience within and as myself on a day to day basis, and so it's irrelevant for me to assume/perceive that without the FEAR that I experience I will be completely lost, because I am here/have always been here, and so the FEAR is here in every moment/breath/chance/opportunity to be corrected by/through writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and the actual physical walking the point.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when and as I am taking the FEAR I experience on a day to day basis to realize who I am/must live to be and become, I am giving the FEAR power over me by/through accepting the FEAR to be the real me - not seeing, realizing or understanding that the FEAR is NOT who I am - because all it takes for me to stand up, not accept and allow myself to be and become anything less than who I am, and so I have the power within and as every moment/breath/chance/opportunity that is here/has always been here - because, at the end of the day it is a choice/decision to not correct myself here as the breath as self-expression, standing up and stating "Till here no further," I do not accept or allow myself to limit/enslave myself to this emotional experience called FEAR.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am inferior to FEAR and within this would thus think, believe and perceive that my only choice/decision I have is to limit/enslave myself to this emotional experience of FEAR - not seeing, realizing or understanding that I am the one who took the choice/decision to see myself as inferior and thus have allowed myself to see myself as only capable of reacting in FEAR - instead of taking the practical steps to change myself here as breath as self-expression - all because of my perception/definition of what I am apparently capable of only being and becoming as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish and judge who I am in relation to self-realization that I starting participating within and as the backchat "I am too worthless"/"I am not smart enough to commit myself to myself/life"/"I don't have what it takes to assist/support myself to my utmost potential" then I would be more satisfied/accepting of crucifying myself, over and over - because, I've allowed myself to diminish/judge myself purposely/deliberately as a valid/acceptable excuse/justification to not move myself here within and as this physical reality - within this not seeing, realizing or understanding that the worthlessness I experience on a day to day basis is the fear of change character - thus, if I would ever think about changing myself, I would be and become confused by/through all the perfect scapegoats I accumulated through the years to remain in complete petrification of the FEAR I in actuality purposely/deliberately self-created to remain belittling myself for eternity - thus, When and as I see the back chat "I am too less than" - I stop and I take a deep breath - I bring myself back to this physical reality through seeing, realizing and understanding that fearing change does not change the inner experience of FEAR I see within and as changing myself for real - I do NOT accept or allow myself to continue participating within backchat such as "I am too less than something" but instead commit myself to stop diminishing/judging myself through seeing myself within and as self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of FEAR of Change exist within and as me - not seeing, realizing or understanding that I do not have to accept the FEAR of Change as a part/aspect of myself to the point that I must continuously allow it to be and become something I cannot change - I can stop it in one breath and direct myself out of the experience of FEAR of Change since it does only exist within my mind as an energetic experience - in where I am sabotaging/compromising/abusing through FEAR of Change as me. I commit myself to take a deep breath and state "I do not accept to allow my lack of self-worth to direct or control me - instead - I direct myself" and thus bring myself back to this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the simplicity of letting go of the FEAR of Change through taking a stance to not allow the energy within me - but would instead allow myself to go into that energetic experience of being less than, thinking and believing that it is me - when all the while it was just manipulation from and of my mind. I commit myself to, when and as I am experiencing the FEAR of Change - to take one deep breath, allow myself to walk the point out in further self-expansion within and as writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and actual physical walking the talk, letting go of the energy through and with my breathing and bring myself back to stability - here.

Related articles

• Day 151: Fear as the driving force
• WORK/JOB and Automated Negative Experience - Self Corrections (Cont) - An Artists Journey To Life: day 149
• Day 70: Limiting myself to an idea of what I want in a relationship
• 168. Thoughts as Self-Created Resistance
• 167. Fearing is Not wanting to Change
• 146. Fear of Death
• Day 152: Time and Time again
• Day 128: Nothing to do with Me character part 2
• I don't wanna Work 'Character' - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 148
• Day 149: You hurt my feelings character