Day 68: I Fear Change

This is a continuation to Day 67: Don't Rock The Boat
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-realization because I am unconsciously placing/projecting all these pre-conceived ideals and because of this I have allowed myself to compromise/sabotage/abuse myself in complete repetition - instead of seeing/realizing/understanding how I am accumulating so much FEAR that I do not understand/investigate realize how the FEAR that I experience on a day to day basis on realization was in actuality connected to FEARING CHANGE - I see and realize that it's completely irrelevant for me to FEAR CHANGE because I am in actuality fearing who I am and inevitably must live within and as this physical reality - thus, I am HERE to in fact HERE myself to change myself, moment by moment, step by step, breath by breath, assisting and supporting myself to understand/realize/investigate how/why I've allowed myself to FEAR myself so much over the years to the extent/degree that I will abuse/compromise/sabotage myself simply because it's all I've ever known.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I MUST live dependent on the FEAR that I experience on a day to day basis, because I fear what will happen if I rock the boat within and as my world and reality - within this I am not considering/taking into consideration/into account how/why I've been allowing myself to see FEAR as an energy charger separate from myself, thus - not seeing/realizing/understanding that I am the Creator that created the FEAR that experience within and as myself on a day to day basis, and so it's irrelevant for me to assume/perceive that without the FEAR that I experience I will be completely lost, because I am here/have always been here, and so the FEAR is here in every moment/breath/chance/opportunity to be corrected by/through writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and the actual physical walking the point.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when and as I am taking the FEAR I experience on a day to day basis to realize who I am/must live to be and become, I am giving the FEAR power over me by/through accepting the FEAR to be the real me - not seeing, realizing or understanding that the FEAR is NOT who I am - because all it takes for me to stand up, not accept and allow myself to be and become anything less than who I am, and so I have the power within and as every moment/breath/chance/opportunity that is here/has always been here - because, at the end of the day it is a choice/decision to not correct myself here as the breath as self-expression, standing up and stating "Till here no further," I do not accept or allow myself to limit/enslave myself to this emotional experience called FEAR.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am inferior to FEAR and within this would thus think, believe and perceive that my only choice/decision I have is to limit/enslave myself to this emotional experience of FEAR - not seeing, realizing or understanding that I am the one who took the choice/decision to see myself as inferior and thus have allowed myself to see myself as only capable of reacting in FEAR - instead of taking the practical steps to change myself here as breath as self-expression - all because of my perception/definition of what I am apparently capable of only being and becoming as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish and judge who I am in relation to self-realization that I starting participating within and as the backchat "I am too worthless"/"I am not smart enough to commit myself to myself/life"/"I don't have what it takes to assist/support myself to my utmost potential" then I would be more satisfied/accepting of crucifying myself, over and over - because, I've allowed myself to diminish/judge myself purposely/deliberately as a valid/acceptable excuse/justification to not move myself here within and as this physical reality - within this not seeing, realizing or understanding that the worthlessness I experience on a day to day basis is the fear of change character - thus, if I would ever think about changing myself, I would be and become confused by/through all the perfect scapegoats I accumulated through the years to remain in complete petrification of the FEAR I in actuality purposely/deliberately self-created to remain belittling myself for eternity - thus, When and as I see the back chat "I am too less than" - I stop and I take a deep breath - I bring myself back to this physical reality through seeing, realizing and understanding that fearing change does not change the inner experience of FEAR I see within and as changing myself for real - I do NOT accept or allow myself to continue participating within backchat such as "I am too less than something" but instead commit myself to stop diminishing/judging myself through seeing myself within and as self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of FEAR of Change exist within and as me - not seeing, realizing or understanding that I do not have to accept the FEAR of Change as a part/aspect of myself to the point that I must continuously allow it to be and become something I cannot change - I can stop it in one breath and direct myself out of the experience of FEAR of Change since it does only exist within my mind as an energetic experience - in where I am sabotaging/compromising/abusing through FEAR of Change as me. I commit myself to take a deep breath and state "I do not accept to allow my lack of self-worth to direct or control me - instead - I direct myself" and thus bring myself back to this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the simplicity of letting go of the FEAR of Change through taking a stance to not allow the energy within me - but would instead allow myself to go into that energetic experience of being less than, thinking and believing that it is me - when all the while it was just manipulation from and of my mind. I commit myself to, when and as I am experiencing the FEAR of Change - to take one deep breath, allow myself to walk the point out in further self-expansion within and as writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and actual physical walking the talk, letting go of the energy through and with my breathing and bring myself back to stability - here.

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Day 55: How to Stop Judging Yourself and Others

This is a continuation to Day 54: Little Miss Judgmental
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suddenly/out of nowhere be/become self-conscious about who I am/what character I am presenting in the moment, because I am self-judging myself within and as the starting-point of thinking about all the possible scenarios about what someone is assuming/perceiving about myself - within this I mold/shape who I am/what character I am presenting in the moment to be/become accepted (apparently) to somehow have some sort of self-worth to merely exist within and as this physical reality based on the validation I will get from my outer-reality, in this I compromise/self-sabotage myself to merely express who I am/could be in a moment because I've allowed myself to believe/deceive myself that I am absolutely nothing if I don't mold/shape who I am/have become to someone's apparent perceptions/assumptions of what someone should/shouldn't apparently be in the moment, I now see, realize and understand that it was in no way sudden/out of nowhere for me to be/become self-conscious about who I am/what character I am presenting in the moment, because every moment that I am not breathing within and as self-awareness is another moment that I am self-conscious about the picture-presentations I am mind-projecting to/towards the people in my world/reality, I realize that if I allow myself to be/become self-conscious to the extent that I am always self-aware of who I am/what characters I am presenting in the moment, then I most certainly can be self-conscious, from the perspective of actually assisting/supporting myself to remain here in every moment of every breath - because there is absolutely no excuse if I am doing everything in my delusional power to remain self-aware of molding/shaping certain characters to my outer-reality and then tell myself that I am no way capable of being self-aware of what I am actually participating and experiencing myself as, therefore, I do NOT accept or allow myself to purposely/deliberately limit/enslave myself by/through making delusional excuses/justifications, because if I can be/become self-aware of myself to the extent that I mold/shape myself in every moment to survive within and as this physical reality, then I can most certainly be/become self-aware of who I am/have become in each moment.

When and as I see myself being/becoming suddenly/out of nowhere self-conscious of who I am/what character I am presenting in the moment based on my idea/belief/perception/assumption of who I should/shouldn't be in the moment/breath/chance/opportunity that is here/has always been here - I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that I am always self-conscious/have always been self-conscious - from the perspective that I am constantly molding/shaping who I am/what character I shouldn't shouldn't present in the moment/chance/opportunity/breath that I miss, only I am just now understanding how much I be/become self-conscious in the moment when/as a trigger point such as people in my outer-reality pops up for myself to reinvent who I am/have become in the moment, wherein I am always self-conscious about who I am/have become and so there is absolutely no excuse/justification for myself to continuously feed/power/fuel illusional characters to merely not accept who I am/could be in the moment/breath/opportunity/chance that is here/has always been here for myself to in-fact take my power back to myself to be/become the self-directive principle of my Life.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when/as I am in the moment suddenly/out of nowhere be/becoming self-conscious about who I am/which characters I should/shouldn't present in the moment - I am in-fact only trying/attaining/attempting to search/find/seek for self-worth, because I don't value myself in each moment for I have only been doing everything in my delusional power to remain in character - thus I've been too busy molding/shaping myself my entire life that I actually lost my own self-worth because I am compromising/self-sabotaging myself to the extent that I don't ever consider/take into consideration who I am/have become in the moment, as I see and realize that there can never/will never be able self-worth if I continuously diminishing and judging myself to the extent that I've lost entirely my worth to actually in-fact live for myself, I now see, realize and understand that if/when I see myself be/becoming suddenly/out of nowhere self-conscious of myself is because I am simply not valuing myself to simply express myself in the moment, wherein if/when I am suddenly/out of nowhere be/becoming self-conscious about myself, I am in-fact judging myself in the process to not value myself in the moment to actually express myself unconditionally here as self-expression, I do NOT accept or allow myself to continuously judge and diminish my life away because if/when I am suddenly/out of nowhere being/becoming self-conscious - I stop and I breathe - I realize that being/becoming self-conscious doesn't in anyway suddenly/out of nowhere appear within and as myself, because I must allow myself to realize that if/when the self-conscious point is coming up, I am in no way trusting myself to simply be here in the moment to actually breathe here as self-expression - because wasting/waiting/postponing my life/process is completely pointless/meaningless if I am not giving myself the worth to actually be Alive.

I commit myself to in-fact live here as self-expression to no longer self-judge and diminish who I am/have become in the moment to actually stop and breathe to realize that if/when I am suddenly/out of nowhere being/becoming self-conscious - I stop and take a deep breath - I now see, realize and understand that if/when I continuously not value myself in each moment, I am in-fact not living in any shape/form, because to actually trust myself doesn't in anyway imply I must be so afraid of myself to the extent that I must live in fear in each moment/breath/chance/opportunity that is here - I in-fact stop myself to actually trust myself for the first time, ever.

To Be Continued...

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Day 51: THE USEFULNESS OF USELESSNESS

This is a continuation to Day 50: I May Be Living Someone Else's Life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that everything is completely useless - because I have allowed MYSELF to be/become uselessness to the extent that nothing moves in my world/reality because I don't take the initiative to move MYSELF - instead of actually getting on my own two feet within and as self-honesty to understand that if I am NOT moving myself, then I will remain within and as the experience of everything being useless - because I've taken my power away from myself to/towards a mere CharACTer - I've allowed myself to place/mind-project hope/faith into someone/something to magically save me from what I'm self-creating within and as myself to in-fact stop, breathe and bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that uselessness is completely useless because I am in actuality purposely/deliberately participating/experiencing myself as the uselessness CharACTer - because it's my perfect scapegoat to think, believe and perceive that everything is useless to not in-fact realize for myself that I'm self-creating the excuse/justification for myself based on my outer-reality to the extent that I don't understand that I'm merely using/abusing my outer-reality as the perfect chance/opportunity to NOT move myself - instead I give up when/as the going get's tough because it's become such a natural part of myself that I've never stopped to ever investigate who I am/could be if I actually take my power back to myself to realize that the uselessness has been what I've relied on all my life to never actually take self-responsibility that I am giving up on myself - uselessness has never been useless - because I was only allowing it to be my answer to everything to NOT ever actually move myself - I do NOT accept or allow myself to continuously move myself based on energetic starting-points that only end up in myself enslaving/limiting myself within and as the uselessness charACTer - because I didn't realize for myself that when/as I am participating and experiencing myself as useless I've already given up on myself/life to ever in-fact change - I commit myself - to take my power back to myself and realize that if I don't move myself, then absolutely nothing will move - therefore - I commit myself to get my head out of my ass to understand that uselessness is never just uselessness - because I am in actuality giving on myself/life in every possible way.

Therefore, When and as I see myself NOT moving myself on my own two feet, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that my entire starting-point of participating and experiencing the uselessness charACTer was based on my entire self-interest to submit to my reactions based on my outer-reality - because I've never considered/taken into consideration that if I simply participate in uselessness that everything is simply fine and dandy - instead of understanding within and as myself that I am making a choice/decision that affects this entire world/reality to continuously remain the same, and so I have to understand that when/as I am experiencing and participating in uselessness, it is never about myself but everyone here in this world/reality - So, it's time to actually make a choice/decision that is based on the principle of what is Best for All - There is no/has never been any valid justification/excuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume/perceive that when/as I am participating and experiencing myself as the useless charACTer that everything is fine and dandy - instead of realizing for myself that the moment I submit to the uselessness charACTer I am NOT just giving up on myself - I am giving up on life - I am not understanding that generation after generation were giving up on ourselves/life and it's become such a natural part of ourselves that it becomes unnatural/strange to ever consider/take into consideration kicking uselessness in the ass - from the perspective of being/becoming humble - to realize for ourselves that our world/reality may go to shit sometimes, but that doesn't mean that oneself must submit to the uselessness charACTer just because it's what we taught ourselves over time - I now see, realize and understand that uselessness is a cool chance/opportunity to investigate why/how I'm abdicating my self-responsibility to realize who I am/have become by/through submitting to the useless charACTer - no self-judgment needed - I simply allow myself to breathe and bring myself back here - I do NOT accept or allow myself to enslave/limit myself to the uselessness charACTer just because I have only realized uselessness within and as one dimension - ALWAYS involving, ME, ME and ME! Therefore, I now see, realize and understand that my entire time has been dominated by/through my self-interest that I've never understood how one person makes a choice/decision and the rest of this world/reality is living this one choice/decision, and so walking this process is crucial to NOT submit to the uselessness charACTer, I mean, we have to consider/take into consideration those that are living in poverty (etc) to realize how crazy it is for ourselves to submit to the uselessness charACTer like it's the end of the freaking world or something - understanding that the end of the day those that are living in poverty have the last thing on their minds as we as the Elite do - therefore - Uselessness is when/as you have absolutely no resources to survive within and as this world/reality, and so there is no excuse/justification for someone like me to remain in mind-possession to not actually make a choice/decision that will continuously bring forth more cycles of abuse that is entirely unnecessary if we actually stopped be/becoming so useless based on the most menial parts/aspects of this world/reality.

Therefore - When and as I make the choice/decision to participation and experience myself as the uselessness charACTer, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that when I am making a choice/decision it is not only affecting myself, but this entire world/reality - because all of us go about our days and we assume/perceive that our every action is only affecting ourselves - instead of realizing that as long as we are all part of Life - We are all part of each other's choices/decision we make in every moment of every breath - I commit myself to - realize and live in practical -application that there is a light at the end of the tunnel - only my self-interest cannot/will never be able to be involved because the answer/result/solution has been/had always been to consider/take into consideration the principle of Equality & Oneness.

To Be Continued...

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Day 48: I SUCK AT LIFE!

This is a continuation to Day 47: How I Become Useless?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe and perceive that something outside myself like testing a test shows/reveals rather I'm moving myself within and as my physical reality - instead I allow myself to realize that if I continuously use/abuse my physical reality as a reference-point I will completely miss what it means to actually be here in this physical reality from the get go because I will be too busy trying/attaining/attempting to make something I did out of some sort of confirmation if I'm applying myself effectively - to ensure that I am always defining and giving value to my outer-reality that it turns into a religion of self - to not in actuality look at who I am/could be in a moment because I was too busy over-analyzing/interpreting what kind of results I got from my outer-reality like for example tasking a mere test - therefore - I STOP, breathe and bring myself back HERE - I now see, realize and understand that what result/solution I get from something doesn't in anyway imply self-realization because in the moment I will be too busy over-analyzing/interpreting the solution/result that I won't actually be here in the moment completely my daily tasks/assignments/activities to the best of my ability because I didn't allow myself to be here in the moment, but participate in mind-possession so extensive that I didn't realize for myself that the result/solution is here in every moment to see who I am/could be to in actuality investigate why/how I've lived my life from the perspective that if the result/solution isn't apparently effective within and as my mind, then I will participate in the uselessness CharACter because I didn't take the practical-action to in-fact take the stance within and as myself that I don't accept anything less then who I am/could be in the moment - I realize now that I was only in the moment trying/attaining/attempting to make something out of my physical reality to rather I am effectively changing myself, wherein - I've lost myself already because I was too busy in my mind continuously using/abusing this physical reality to always place some sort of meaning if I am here in the moment or in complete mind-possession, and so I didn't allow myself to realize for myself that the moment I ask the question, "Am I even here breathing or am I in my mind"? This is revealing to me I've self-sabotaged myself to such an extent that I deliberately/purposely screwed within and as myself to be/become my cross-reference point because we ALWAYS know what the heck were doing to ourselves, but were too busy worrying about the solution/result that we don't actually remain here into and as the current moment.

Therefore - When and as I see myself ALWAYS looking/searching for some kind of result/solution within and as my mind - I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back HERE - I now see, realize and understand that I was trying/attaining/attempting to always find some sign/confirmation to what is going to happen in the future like for example taking a mere test because I was too busy thinking about ME, ME - ME! That I didn't allow myself to understand that process is here in every moment of every breath, and so the result/solution/answer is also here in every moment of every breath - therefore - the solution/result I continuously strive for is complete bullshit because I am merely living my life off of the apparent result/solution I get from like taking a test to not make myself feel like everything is freaking useless, I mean, obviously I am the one that makes the choice/decision to continuously lose a moment/chance/opportunity/breath because I am too busy striving/searching/finding some apparent solution/result that was bullshit in the first place to always suppress/hide how useless I actually been experiencing myself my entire life - I commit myself to get out of my mind and into and as this physical reality to understand that the result/solution/answer is here in every moment of every breath - because I in essence was looking/searching/striving/finding some sort of result/solution/answer that wouldn't allow me to continuously live my life based on some result/solution/answer to in actuality LIVE for the first time ever.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I was trying/attaining/attempting to find/strive for/search for some apparent result/solution/answer - instead of actually assisting/supporting myself in the moment to understand I was in actuality looking/searching/striving for some answer/result/solution that would leave me wanting/desiring to continuously waste/wait/postpone for my life to happen because of an apparent answer/solution/result that would make everything easier for myself so I could finally STOP living my life in complete separation/division to waste/wait/postpone for my life to actually be/become a life worth living - to NOT continuously remain in complete mind-possession because the answer/result/solution I always strived for/find/search always made me waste/wait/postpone away my life to never realize that I was always the result/solution/answer I was looking for because I wasted/waited/postponed my entire life for some result/answer/solution like taking a mere test to see where I am within and as my life - therefore - I've always been absolutely nowhere and that's okay because I allow myself to realize that the answer/solution/result is here in this moment - I now see, realize and understand that the moment I am breathing working/striving/finding/searching for the apparent result/answer/solution that will apparently make all my problems answered in the moment to hide/suppress that the solution/answer/result was MYSELF, and has ALWAYS been myself - I realize now that I've spent my life wasting/waiting/postponing myself to FIND the answer to never in-fact realize that the answer can never/will never be able to be found because the answer has always/has always forever been SELF - to in-fact be the Creator that has always created our world/reality to finally STOP ourselves to LIVE for the first time ever because of some apparent answer/result/solution that was never the answer because I was only actually suppressing/hiding from the answer/result/solution because I was doing everything in my power to maintain this idea/belief/assumption/perception that something outside myself like taking a test will be the answer/result/solution to ALL my problems because I never looked within and as myself to see the Creator within me that has been here/has always been here in the first place.

Therefore, When and as I see myself doing everything in my delusional power to waste/wait/postpone my life away because of some sort of answer/solution/result that will magically change everything - I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that the result/answer/solution has is here/has always been here and so finally in-fact STOP living my life in complete separation/division to waste/wait/postpone for my life to be/become worth living - to NOT realize for myself that life can only be worth living if I actually see myself worth it to change in every moment of every breath to ensure that I actually trust myself in the moment to not search/find/strive for some apparent solution/result/answer that will apparently change everything within and as myself - I commit myself to be/become the Creator that creates my world/reality to what is best for life in all ways to no longer remain living my life based on answers/results/solutions because the entire time I actually wanted to be/become my OWN answer/result/solution I was just too scared to realize the simplicity of what it means to actually change myself to be/become a Creator that is actually real - to in-fact realize for myself that the answer/solution/result is here if I actually make the choice/decision to realize that NOTHING can move me in anyway like for example taking a test because I would then be self-creating more division/separation within and as myself to not understand all the answers/solutions/answers I need/require to know is myself living Equality & Oneness to walked myself out of my mind and into and as this physical reality.




To Be Continued...

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