Day 78: I Need Stability In My Life

This is a continuation to Day 77: Dirty Little Family Secrets
The most crucial/important part/aspect I am realizing within/as the family point is that I've allowed myself to completely give into/as my mind when/as I am facing my family - because it's as though I have created two personalities in relation to my family - meaning that I will mold/shape my expression to those in my family immediately creating a separation point between 'me' and 'them,' that I don't see those in my family as actual people who have had been preprogrammed to have certain belief-systems to live throughout their lives - within this I will create a personality based on being stable/unstable when/as I am facing them in the moment, only my entire basis on what stability in fact means to live has been convoluted based on a polarity system that I am living in their presence - because when I am experiencing myself as being stable, here, and breathing - I immediately observe those in my outer-reality within/as the starting-point of judgment - now when I am experiencing myself as being stable, I get quite silent and the people around me notice that I am behaving rather weird/strange - because I have assumed/perceived that stability in fact represents to avoid/suppress hide communication at all costs - so I have especially/specifically in relation to my family have treated them as a division lining between 'me' and 'them,' that I don't actually investigate why/how those in my immediate outer-reality have behaved the way they have - and so my defense mechanism in other words would be to avoid/suppress hide communication at all costs because I experience myself as easily falling - from the perspective that I simply forget to actually breathe, being stable, that I immediately mold/shape my expression - because I experience myself as having to be on guard for the apparent attack that I already mind-project is going to happen before it actually does - and so I am of course going to face a consequential outflow because of already assuming/perceiving that something is going to happen - so I've noticed that I also hold my breath as though I am waiting for the inevitable of the abuse coming from my parents - and thus my body becomes quite stiff in complete defense mode - so I will wait until my family has left the immediate environment to actually focus on my breathing - thus, it's quite clear that I am already sabotaging myself to walk the family point, before I have even walked the point - because I immediately connect and link my mind-projections of how much I am going to be attacked/abused in some shape/form.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create two personalities when/as I am in the presence of my family and within this would this create a belief/idea about how much I have to be stable, here, and breathing - that I move from one energy point to experiencing myself as being stable to being in defense-mode, not investigating how/why I have allowed myself to completely take away my power based on how I will immediately mold/shape my expression to those in my family, and thus I would be too busy over-analyzing the person/situation that is connected/linked to my family to even actually take a deep breath - to understand that I am creating a personality based on the connection and link of my mind-projections to how I am apparently suppose to behave. I now see, realize and understand that I am preventing myself from actually getting to know how I can walk stability, here, and actually no longer move from one personality to another that was only a polarity game to try/attain/attempt to figure out everything - instead I allow myself to learn to understand that being in the presence of those in my immediate reality, is actually an awesome chance/opportunity to live here. When and as I see myself moving from one personality to another based on those in my immediate reality - I stop and I breathe - I do not accept or allow myself to continue judging/defining who I am suppose to be in the presence of my family - but instead I commit myself to really getting to know myself within/as stability, no longer being dominated on all these projections to how I am suppose to be like in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through the presence of being around my family, connect and link my mind-projections of how I am apparently suppose to behave - thinking and believing that when I am in the company of my family that I must behave in what I've believed to be stable - Within this I would then be creating stability as an personality to mold/shape my expression - and then I would immediately assume that I am actually living stability, only it was never stability that I was living - but just another experience to continue molding/shaping my expression to remain a characterization that was only my mind trying/attaining/attempting to over-analyze what it means to experience stability, only it was never about experiencing stability - but living stability here in each moment within/as self-awareness. I now see, realize and understand that I am preventing myself from getting to myself within/as stability when I allow myself to go far away off into/as my mind and over-analyzing how I am apparently suppose to behave - linking it to past/memories/experiences that I have had. I commit myself to - when and as I see myself making mind-correlations based on how I am apparently suppose to mold/shape my expression to live out an experience based on polarity - to actually learn to live stability, remain here, breathing - not allowing myself to go into/as my mind - but to instead really start investigating that if I can spend so much effort/dedication on how I am suppose to experience stability, that I can in fact live stability, no longer dominated by/through how I am apparently suppose to behave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only face my family based on a separation point between 'me' and 'them,' that which I have carried a belief/idea that I am facing myself versus my family - and within this would only see my family has something to overcome/obstacle - dependent on how I have wanted/desired myself to be behave within/as stability - dependent on moving from one personality to another that which I would never see my family as individuals who have been preprogramed to have certain belief-systems to live throughout their lives. I now see, realize and understand that I can never be able to face my family within/as complete trust and intimacy, if I am not even seeing my family as people - meaning I am not seeing them as equals when I am too busy in my mind creating all these assumptions about how I am suppose to overcome them and instead I furthermore commit myself to really also getting to know my family as people based on the principle of Oneness & Equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my family are an obstacle/transcendence point and something to overcome based on what I am creating within/as my mind about how I am not seeing my family as human beings that are one/equal to myself - not seeing/realizing/understanding that my family are people who didn't just magically wake up one day to attack/abuse myself, because it's quite obvious that it was the separation point, as I am seeing now to treat other people as an separation point is all sabotage for myself - where I take a part how/why I am separating myself those that is reflecting back to myself and within that would thus sabotage myself into thinking/believing that my family are reflecting back to myself from the starting-point of being an obstacle/transcendence point and something to overcome, and so I am only giving them a value to live based on my grounds to live out a character that was never actually stable in the first place or could ever be. I now see, realize and understand that my family are human beings that are worth much more then to simply being an idea/belief - but an awesome opportunity for myself to see how I can really get to know myself based on living the principle of Oneness & Equality when/as I am presence of those that I am communicating with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that people within/as my world/reality only are an obstacle/transcendence point and something to overcome because of how I wanted/desired myself to experience myself as being stable based on past experiences/memories I have had that if I am not constantly facing an experience then I am fucked - and because of this would thus think and believe that if I did actually stop not living the experience that is the stability character then that must mean that I have done something wrong/negative/bad - and within this would thus create energetic charges based on craving the experience I have linked to be stability to remain living out a character/personality - not seeing/realizing or understanding that it is myself that is in fact living here within/as self-awareness that doesn't need/require someone/something to prove that stability is here and real. I now see, realize and understand that dependent on the experience based the people within/as my world/reality I would immediately have desire about chasing after an experience that this would be my entire basis of trust to walk this process - instead of actually trusting myself live stability - when all the while that which I was changing myself to live out energy. I commit myself to, when I am living out an experience and calling it stability, to always make sure that I remain here, stable, breathing, expressing me as who I am - not taking on abusing others to make me experience myself as being stable - thus I instead within moments in where I see that I am craving for the experience of stability - to stop and breathe - bring myself back to here and express myself as who I actually am and within that I furthermore commit myself to get to know people and myself as no longer living by/through an experience - not form an idea/belief/perception about stability according to believe that change is finally here.

To Be Continued...

Related articles

• 151. The Food for Thought is Our Flesh (marlenvargasdelrazo.wordpress.com)
• "I can only do so much in a day" as Self Manipulation - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 150 (anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress.com)
• Investigating My Apparent "NEED" to Sleep-In. - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 155 (anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress.com)
• Study shows ancient relations between language families (esciencenews.com)
• Battle of the MIN(e)D (Self Correction) - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 140 (anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress.com)
• Meditation Part II (responsiveuniverse.wordpress.com)
• Day 64: Holding on to Myself (ylaww.blogspot.com)

Day 76: OMG, I'm a Cult Member!

So - I have been allowing one mental-breakdown, after another - because I am experiencing the family point as something that has taken the Life right out of me. Because I experiece myself as, 'having to deal with my family's reactions' (including myself) to the point that everything becomes quite extensive. Then when/as I will start accumulating self-discipline – more and more – I will face a continous amount of abuse coming from my family that I just experience myself as not being able to handle everything that is coming up.

Then when/as I will start accumulating self-discipline – more and more – I will face a continous amount of abuse coming from my family that I just experience myself as not being able to handle everything that is coming up. Then afterwards, when the abuse keeps coming up, I experience myself as, 'just wanting to die.' So, I have been having quite a lot of complete despair accumulate since I have decided to walk this process. I have been facing quite a lot of points from my family (My Mom in particular) to the point that I think/believe that there is absolutely nothing I can do this point for everything to be easier for myself. And when people ask me questions about why I am not assisting/supporting myself regardless of facing these points – I react in anger/frustration/annoyance because I think, “Well, you have no idea what you're talking about because you don't have to face your family 24/7.”

Now – this proves how I am actually holding the family point as a scapegoat to not simply walk what must be walked – because this family point is becoming quite extensive to the point that I experience myself as having to deal with my family's reactions.

This point has opened up soon after I had joined the Desteni Forum – to decide to shave my hair off. Who knew that being a baldie could be such a HUGE deal? I actually find this point quite annoying (LOL) because I continously have to face this action as a consequence due to those in my outer-reality. Mostly – I react in annoyance because I am completely fine with the point and I see it as something I simply had done – thus I shouldn't have to pay for an action that means little to myself.

You can read a bit about what happen in relation to this point here: http://forum.desteni.org/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=568

Waaaaaaaaaaay back in July of 2011!

Anywho – I have realized that this point of cutting my hair off had became quite a big deal to those in my outer-reality – soon after my Mom kicked me out of the house. So, it probably wasn't the best thing to do, because my family is quite religious – also let me be clear that this action had nothing to do with rebelling against my religious family – but, I was so excited for everyone to realize what I hav realized. So – this little action led my family having one impression of Desteni – and that was me being a baldie – lol.

During this time I was trying to get the Desteni Sponsorship that had certain guidelines – but the whole being a badie thing didn't make it very easy – lol. So – this wasn't exactly what has developed the despair within and as myself – but continously lie to others to make them feel better.

I remember one time I actually wanted my Mom to send me to a mental-hospital because they thought I was going insane – but I actually wanted to go because I absolutely hated living with them.

So – it's fascinating how I have assumed that I must compromise/abuse/sabotage myself in the process when/as all these family points keep coming up – because at the end of the day it's nothing personal to myself – but the person that seeing something within and as themselves that they don't want to see in me. As for myself – I was too busy making excuses/justifications that I am a victim and have absolutely no power to face my family and remain completely stable.

Soooooo – I will continue writing this point out. And focus on my writing character blogs later because this is quite an extensive point for myself.

Related articles

• 151. The Food for Thought is Our Flesh (marlenvargasdelrazo.wordpress.com)
• Day 36: Desteni Character (sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com)
• 184:Angstxiety (marlenvargasdelrazo.wordpress.com)
• I'm a Destonian (kellylouiseposey.wordpress.com)
• 177. Imagining Positive Outcomes as Conditions to Move (marlenvargasdelrazo.wordpress.com)
• Postponement Character - Fear Dimension - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 159 (anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress.com)
• Day 155: Anxiety as a constant companion (arvydasjourney.wordpress.com)
• Day 133: DESTENI Character - Self-Forgiveness / Commitments (Part3) (arvydasjourney.wordpress.com)
• Day 131: DESTENI Character - Self-Forgiveness / Commitments (Part1) (arvydasjourney.wordpress.com)
• Day 137: The Liar Character part 7 (adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress.com)

Day 45: Part 2, When Nothing Seems to be Going Right

Life (NBC TV series) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is a continuation to Day 44: When Nothing Seems to be Going Right

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self-manipulate myself and those that are assisting/supporting me by/through NOT taking a stance within and as myself to no longer deviate my situation to in essence half-ass everything for myself to continuously remain a slave, and allow that to be acceptable because I've self-created the situation I'm facing within and as myself family to be/become something acceptable/natural to ensure that I remain participating in denial unconsciously to remain thinking/believing that everything is fine and dandy because I apparently am unable/will always be unable to take power back to myself to be/become the self-directive principle of my Life - in this the only stance I've taken within and as myself is continuous self-sabotage because I am NOT in anyway allowing myself to absolutely and specifically walk this process to NOT continuously half-ass everything because it apparently suits the situation I am facing - therefore - I am only suiting my self-interest to remain within and as the idea/belief/perception/assumption that I am unable/will always be unable to take my power back to myself to in-fact walk this process, No more Bullshit, and so I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - When and as I see myself self-manipulating myself and those that are assisting/supporting me just because I continuously bullshit myself into and as the idea/belief/perception/assumption that I am unable/will always be unable to take my power back to myself and be/become the self-directive principle of my Life, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that I was merely bullshitting myself to be/become a slave for the rest of my Life deliberately/purposely, and so my physical environment would be the perfect justification/excuse because I would assume/perceive that the situation is out of my hands and there is absolutely nothing I can do to walk this process to the best of my ability - in this I was limiting/enslaving myself because process doesn't imply, 'doing something,' but actually in-fact making the choice/decision of who I am in this Life - I commit myself - to STOP the inner-conflict within and as myself because the physical environment that I face on a daily-basis is a cool opportunity for myself to see who I am to/towards my Family's reactions, and who I can possibly be - I realize that this process is based on actually walking a decision/choice as a life commitment to walk a choice/decision, absolutely and specifically, No Bullshit Required.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continuously half-ass everything for my own self-interest - instead of actually understanding that I am using/abusing my physical environment as the perfect/justification scapegoat to remain thinking/believing that I am apparently a victim in the situation I am in, and so I don't consider/take into consideration that I am merely suppressing/hiding from the denial that I experience within and as myself to continuously use/abuse what is outside myself to the best of my ability to NOT in-fact really commit myself to Life - in this I now realize that I am actually self-creating this idea/belief/perception/assumption that I am a victim to/towards the situation I am in because I am actually relieved within and as myself, I fear that if I put my all into and as this process that I will fail miserably to the extent that I actually fear losing myself, I mean, this is actually pretty funny because I've already lost myself a long time ago and I only now understand this point when/as I am actually taking into consideration that failure is a bitch only when I am not the one that is directing myself in the moment - therefore - I now see, realize and understand that I am the one/have always been the one way that made the choice/decision to half-ass everything just because I was afraid of losing myself, and so I've been limiting/enslaving myself to the idea/belief/assumption/perception that I have a beginning and an end - instead of realizing what it means to be eternally here as Life as All as One as Equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deviate my physical environment to my advantage to NOT in-fact walk this process to the best of my ability - instead I allow myself to self-manipulate myself and those assisting/supporting me that I am apparently, 'trying,' to change myself, but I cannot do it to the best of my ability because I apparently am not able/will never be able to walk this process in relation to my family - in this I now understand that this is awfully convenient for myself to make up justifications/excuses just because I am comparing everyone else's external situations in Desteni, I then look at my process in relation to my physical environment - therefore - I allowed myself to NOT consider/take into consideration those that are in absolute abusive situations to the extent that there is absolutely no choice/decision possible to walk this process to the best of one's ability - When and as I see myself deviating my physical environment to my advantage to half-ass everything, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that I am merely doing what is apparently easier for myself - instead of actually taking my power back to myself to be/become the self-directive principle of my Life - I now realize that when/as I am NOT making the choice/decision to stand here, Eternal is when I am making the choice/decision to be/become a mere system, and that is something natural/a part of life within and as myself - I commit myself to - in-fact make the choice/decision, slowly but surely, to realize that comparing everyone else in Desteni is pointless/meaning because everyone is different, yet the same and so we have different dimensions to walk into and as this process of Equality & Oneness.

Related articles

• Day 131: DESTENI Character - Self-Forgiveness / Commitments (Part1)
• Day 132: DESTENI Character - Self-Forgiveness / Commitments (Part2)
• Day 133: DESTENI Character - Self-Forgiveness / Commitments (Part3)
• Day 36: Desteni Character
• Day 117: The Addict and Control of Anger
• 126. The Elixir of Entertainment
• 137. Who am I within Choosing?
• Day 131: Because I Said So
• 139. The Commitment to #Live the #Words I Speak
• Expecting The Loss of Enjoyment - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 124

Day 43: Escaping the Abusive Environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that I am not able/will never be able to walk process because I allow myself to self-create backdoors for myself - to create scapegoats for myself that are apparently NOT allowing me to walk this process, because I assume/perceive that those in my outer environment are holding me back to commit myself to this process; absolutely and specifically; I've allowed myself to assume/perceive that those in my outer-reality are abusing me purposely/deliberately - within this I use/abuse this door of opportunity to stand here in any environment because I'm actually relieved within and as myself to have the perfect excuse/justification to not walk this process to the best of my ability, and so I didn't see, realize or understand that the current situation I'm in at the moment allows me to really see who I am/could be, because within and as facing those in my outer-reality shows/reveals that I can stand/commit myself to this process, No Matter what situation/person I'm facing in the moment, therefore, I now see, realize and understand that process is never a decision/choice to be able to stand/commit myself to be here, exist here and live myself as breath, and making the decision/choice to NOT stand/commit myself in others - therefore - This Process of walking out of our minds and into and as this physical reality can only be walked absolutely and specifically if I'm in actuality standing/committing myself to/towards Life, and so the choice/decision to NOT stand in my current environment is crazy - from the perspective that I allow myself to walk this process of Self-Actualization to be/become an Self-Willed Equal that is standing, No Matter What - I cannot make excuses/justifications for why/how I'm NOT taking this Door of Opportunity to the best of my ability - because I am the one that decides who I am/could be in a moment, and these chances/opportunities I get from my Family on a daily-basis show/reveal daily who I am/could be in the moment - to actually in-fact understand which points I'm not willing to stand/commit as in the moment and which points I'm directing in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that process can not be able/never will be able to be walked if I'm making the decision/choice to commit/stand into and as, wherein - others I make the decision/choice to react and give my power away because I'm in essence screwing within and as myself to NOT make the choice/decision absolutely and specifically to ensure that I am NOT allowing backdoors for myself to assume/perceive that I am completely powerless/worthless because I've given those in my outer-reality my power to NOT in-fact stand/commit myself to Life - within this I make the excuse/justification that most people would've given up by now because of what I'm facing at the moment, and so I allow myself to STOP, breath and bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that I know exactly what I must do to walk this process of Equality & Oneness, but I haven't allowed myself to stand/commit myself absolutely and specifically to/towards Life because I was too busy thinking/believing that I am powerless/worthless to/towards the situation I am - I realize now that I am powerless/worthless to myself because I wasn't using my outer-reality as a gift to understand where my strengths and weaknesses are that need/require corrected for myself to inevitably stand absolutely and specifically - to in-fact realize that I can stand as a pillar of support for myself, not needing/requiring anyone/anything outside myself, except the essentials I use to survive on a daily-basis of course - lol, I do NOT accept or allow myself to continue making up justifications/excuses as I go along because I assume/perceive that I am a prisoner in the situation I am - I am a Prisoner to myself if I continuously allow myself to self-create justifications/excuses because I've allowed myself to be/become fearful of who I am/could be if I were to actually in-fact make the choice/decision to commit/stand as All as One as Equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume/perceive that my physical environment is a valid excuse/justification to why/how I am apparently not capable/will never be capable to walk this process, I allow myself to stop, breathe and bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that my outer-reality is a test for myself to actually in-fact see how I've limited/enslaved myself to/towards my external reality, and so I've assumed/perceived that my physical environment holds power over me to NOT in-fact commit/stand here as pillar of self-support or anyone as myself that need/requires self-direction - to in essence realize that the moment I allow myself to be/become directed to my physical environment I am making the statement that process implies being in certain environments that are apparently stable and non-abusive, I realize now that process is not commitment to stand/commit myself here in certain environments and not in others - Process is in every moment, and so I allow myself to walk this process to the best of my ability and I can see into and as self-honesty I am not walking this process in complete unconditional self-support and standing as pillar of support for those that need/require self-direction, I am holding myself back because I am too busy judging what I am doing now and what I am not doing - I do NOT accept or allow myself to continuously bullshit myself to NOT stand as pillar of unconditional support because I've been too busy judging myself the entire time to in-fact walk this process, No Matter What.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume/perceive that I am not capable/will never be capable to stand as a pillar of support and/or supporting another as myself - because I have belittled/diminished myself that I am inferior to actual change to walk this process to the best of my ability in every moment, No Matter What my Outer-Reality is throwing back at me, and so I allow myself to be/become humble to NOT judge/take everything personally because I've been so afraid of myself to such an extent that I judge myself in every possibly way - within this the self-judgment has only allowed me to belittle/diminish myself to the point that I just want to die because I am afraid to walk this process absolutely and specifically to in-fact realize that self-support is here/has always been here - therefore - I allow myself to really walk this process of Self-Actualization to take the points into and as equalization as Self-Realization to in-fact understand that I am here, No Matter What , and so I stand/commit myself to Life; No Matter What - I now see, realize and understand that I am in a difficult situation but not impossible because impossible is in actually impossible when/as I have absolutely no resources to survive into and as this world/reality - therefore - I stand/commit myself to Life to be an example that Self-Change can be possible in any environment I am facing in the moment - I do NOT accept or allow myself to limit/enslave myself to an abusive environment because I've programmed myself that when/as the going gets tough, Give Up - I stand/commit myself to in-fact change here into and as this physical reality for real, No Justifications and No Excuses - Time to get real!!!!!!!

Related articles

• Day 131: DESTENI Character - Self-Forgiveness / Commitments (Part1)
• 139. The Commitment to #Live the #Words I Speak
• 137. Who am I within Choosing?
• Day 132: Hey, You Belong to Me!
• 140. Renewing Vows to Live
• Day 127: Forgiving Justifications
• Day 130: The Evil That Men Do
• Day 131: Because I Said So
• Day 36: Self as Creator
• Day 52: From HELL-th to HEALth