Day 79: Digging My Own Grave

This is a continuation to Day 78: I Need Stability In My Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually be relieved/relaxed and at ease when/as I am having trouble making a choice/decision to live that what will bring about a change that is best for all and within this would create a belief/idea about how much I am not capable to actually be the one that makes the choice/decision to how I will live my life - that I just starting ask other people's perspectives about how much more capable they are then myself, not investigating how/why I have allowed myself to completely take away my chance/opportunity to actually make a choice/decision that which I actually make to finally trust what I choose to live here in this life, and thus take into consideration how much responsibility I am willing to live here in this one life to bring about a change that will benefit everyone here - to understand that I am creating the idea/belief that I am not capable/less than/inferior to those that I am asking perspective from, based on the fact that I am scared out of my mind to live a choice/decision that will not only affect myself - but everyone here within/as this world/reality, because how I choose to live my life not only affects myself - thus creating a chain reaction to bring about a change here in this one life that will affect the generations to come. I now see, realize and understand that it is I that must see into/as the eyes of life to how I am going to spend this one life, to actually realize that psyching myself out is a cool indication that I realize that there is much to do in this life - and thus I simply stop limiting myself based on fear to not become part of the equation - but in fact look at the mathematical equation that is what is best for all life - to understand that making a choice/decision based on those outside myself is craaaaaaaaazy because the only choice/decision that is here is the principle of Oneness & Equality - sooooooooo I have no choice but to live that which is here. When and as I see myself wanting/desiring someone to tell me how to spend this one life based on my fear on my life actually affecting others - I stop and I breathe - I do not accept or allow myself to continue judging/defining how my life actually affects everyone here in this one life - but instead I commit myself to really understanding that even if I am doing shit with my life, I am in essence making a choice/decision that is already affecting those here within/as this world/reality, sooooooo I might as well walk my talk - lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay more attention to how my life affects others when/as I am actually deciding to live something that which will bring a change that is best for all - believing that I must pay more attention to how I am living my life because I will no longer be able to live out my life of self-interest without question anymore - and within this would thus only ever take into consideration how I choose to live my life when/as I must actually give up everything to bring about a change that is best for all - because it's quite ironic that when I am living my life on a daily-basis constantly denying that which is existing here, then I choose to deny how my life that never made any difference to myself was another chance/opportunity for those here in this one life to even have the choice/decision to not live a life that will bring a change that is best for all. I commit myself to, when and as I see that I am choosing to only pay attention to how my life affects others when I am making the decision to no longer live within/as self-interest - to stop and breathe - realize that I am accessing judgments/definitions/beliefs/ideas within my mind based on living herein this one life and instead educate myself on how I have deviated my self-responsibility so easily to remain living my life based on some veil that I see into/as my eyes to never uncover the I's that I have created over time to remain living my life, only seeing what I want to see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when/as I had to make a HUGE choice/decision, connect and link my mind-projections of what I am capable of walking based on the polarities between SMALL and HUGE - thinking and believing that when I must walk something that I am interpreting as quite extensive assume that I will fall on my ass and when I would be facing something small assume that I have everything in the bag. Within this I would then be accessing memories I have had of my projections of what assignments/tasks I am able to take on - and then I would immediately assume that the quantity somehow gives value to what I am able to walk based through connecting the image of making a choice/decision to allow myself to experience myself a certain way in order to be apparently ready to dedicate myself to something, no matter what. I now see, realize and understand that I am preventing myself from being dedicated to a choice/decision that I make to live - linking it to past memories/experiences that I have had. I commit myself to, when and as I see myself forming any idea/belief/perception about what I am able to walk based on quantity that I have given certain energetic charges to remain here, breathing - not allowing myself to go into forming any idea/belief/perception about what I am apparently able to walk here in this one life - but to instead really stop to investigate what it means to in fact walk a decision; absolutely and specifically, to finally get to know myself for real, no longer living my life based on what I am interpreting as extensive or small to affect the dedication to stand by/through a dedication from beginning to end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create limitations/variations to what I am able to walk here in this one life and within this would create a belief/idea about living - that I thus ask other's perspectives on how I should choose to live my life, not investigating how/why I have allowed myself to completely take away my power to actually make my own decisions to live self-trust based on how much I feared affecting other's lives, and thus I would completely deny how much I am affecting people's lives to not bring about an affect that which will bring dignity and respect for those that I choose to ignore on a daily-basis - to understand that I am creating a personality based on the connection and link of my mind to how I am apparently suppose to live. I now see, realize and understand that I am preventing myself to walk a life of no regrets, because I am too busy living in fear on how my decisions affect others - thus all my life I have been complying to those in my immediate reality, and so all I have ever known is life of how others want me to live - instead I allow myself to learn to understand that those in my outer-reality cannot help me to make a decision that I will have to live with, I allow myself to take a step back to realize the opportunity I have right now to bring about a change that will allow the further generations to live a life of dignity and respect. When and as I see myself creating limitations/variations to what I am able to walk here in this one life - I stop and I breathe - I do not accept or allow myself to continue second-guessing myself - but instead I commit myself to really start investigating how I want to spend this life, no longer being inflicted to live a lie that will bring about the same cycle of abuse as the generations before me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can continue living someone's idea/belief/perception about what life suppose to be - believing that I can continue denying the others here in this world/reality being completely disregarded - and within this would thus only take into consideration what I am actually with my life when/as my entire world/reality falls upon itself, only choosing to change that which would bring about the benefit to live what is easier. I commit myself to, when and as I see that I am choosing to continue living someone's idea/belief/perception about how I am suppose to live this one life - to stop and breathe - realize that I am not only disregarding the right to live my own life - but everyone else that doesn't have the opportunity to even have the right to live a lie in complete separation/detachment to what is being created/has already been created - instead I allow myself to not live according to judgments on how I am suppose to live - since I can that I am creating limitations/variations to what I am capable of walking - as well as finally living to my utmost potential, to actually realize that in fact means to live in every moment, here in this one life.

To Be Continued...

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Day 37: You Won't Be Alive Forever

This is a continuation to Day 36: What Does It Mean To Be Alive?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I know what it means to be alive because I have lived my Life as though I'm actually living in the first place, I live my life as though it will be here for eternity, I live my Life as though I have so much time to actually change myself, as though I actually know what it means to be here in every moment to live my life to my utmost potential - in this my life has been nothing because I don't even breathe within and as each moment, my life is but another memory that never had any value - no judgment here - just the truth - therefore - I now see, realize and understand that if I continue feeding myself this bullshit then that makes me just another CharACTer  - within this I now understand that have known nothing/have never known anything about what it means to be here in this physical reality - to actually realize the opportunity it is to be alive in this Life, and so I have never considered/taken into consideration any of this because I was too busy deluding myself with what it means to be alive - therefore - I will waste my Life within and as thoughts because I was too busy looking/searching/finding something outside myself because I never had understood Life as Equality & Oneness - to in-fact actually live for those that have absolutely nothing, because I allow myself to not feed/fuel/power my thoughts that was only in the end myself trying/attaining/attempting to be self-righteous to (apparently) be someone/something within and as my thoughts that in the end I was only be/becoming some fucked up version of what it means to be alive - I now see, realize and understand that its not about knowing or not knowing what it means to actually be here in this physical reality - to realize the opportunity it is to be here in this physical reality because I allow myself to NOT look/search/find something within and as my mind to in-fact understand some meaning, and so the meaning is here for us to walk ourselves out of our minds to actually create ourselves for the first time - to in essence actually re-birth ourselves from this physical reality, no bullshit, When and as I see myself trying/attaining/attempting to look/search/find something outside myself, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understanding that there is nothing to find because I find myself here in every moment of breath that I am actually aware of what it means to be here in this physical reality - to no longer allow the self-sabotage patterns to continue because all what we been doing for generations is digging our own graves for absolutely nothing in the end, I mean, when were actually look at our lives in this physical reality into and as self-honesty we can say with absolute certainty that were already dead - I commit myself to take into account everyone in this world/reality to understand that when/as a child is here in this Life there should be no doubt that the child will be/become a slave to this world-system and themselves, I commit myself to actually understand that it means to be here in this Life to in-fact realize that life can only be considered if all are in-fact having the certainty to live a dignified Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to THINK my life away and actually see that as something natural/apart of Life - in this is just another confirmation of how fucked up we allowed ourselves to be/become because were never in essence actually questioning anything in this world/reality, until everything in our life falls apart or something terrible touches your outer-reality - therefore - I now see, realize and understand that THINKING allows me to not live in anyway because I was too busy within and as my mind to ever consider/take into consideration how my life has flashed before my own eyes for I was too busy having dimensional shifts to in-fact realize what I'm in essence doing to myself and this world/reality, at the same time - within this I know absolutely nothing about what it means to be here in this physical reality because I in the end wanted/desired to THINK myself to death, and so it wasn't only myself I was compromising at the same time but those in this world/reality that actually could have some chance to in-fact live if Life would actually be for all Equally, and so an Equal Money System is the only for this to happen - I now see, realize and understand that giving up on myself is the most self-interested thing I can do because I wasn't only giving up on myself I was giving up on those that could have the chance to live in this world/reality if I actually stand within and as myself to in-fact be/become apart of this world-system to create a system that will regard everyone here: The Equal Money System - I commit myself to realize that be/becoming apart of this world-system is not in anyway what will be easier for me or even harder  but to allow myself to really push myself to move myself in this world-system for myself to be placed effectively for all to life a Life that can actually be lived, because what it easier or harder is irrelevant at this point for it was only my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume/perceive that Life is already here/has been here all along, wherein - Life in this world/reality has absolutely nothing to do with Living but survival and competition to do whatever it takes to be the winner, I mean, how can I know anything about what it means to be alive when all I have known is survival and competition? In this - I have only been considering/taking into consideration myself because my Life has been comfortable for all I have never known what it means to actually survive in this world/reality - to in-fact know what it means when Life has given up on you because you don't have the pretty green paper that holds your purpose/destiny in your hands - I now see, realize and understand that the only way to stop is to stop everything within and as my inner-reality to no longer think myself to death because I was deliberately/purposely killing myself because that's all I ever known about this world/reality - I allowed myself to discard those that can't even take the stance within and as themselves because their breath is not their own, their breath is governed by/through how much nourishment they are giving to their bodies - When and as I see myself deliberately/purposely not understanding what is in essence here in this physical reality, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that I can in essence change myself in the moment to in-fact understand that Life can be turned around to actually take the stance within and as ourselves to in-fact breathe because I allow myself to appreciate that I have the nourishment to breathe deeply to have my breath become my own, and so I'm self-responsible to be/become apart of this world-system to in-fact understand that Life cannot continue life this anymore.

When and as I see myself not understanding what it means to be alive, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that Life into and as this physical reality MUST be change by/through changing ourselves to in-fact realize that we have never known anything about Life, in this we must re-birth ourselves to walk ourselves out of our minds and into the physical because participating and experiencing ourselves as a mere CharACTer is what allows ourselves to never understand that our entire lives has been nothing but a memory filled with and as Characterization that we chose to be/become - therefore - I commit myself to walk this process of Equality & Oneness, I realize that this process is not about changing this world but changing ourselves as a group to walk this process wherein Life can in-fact lived to be/become apart of this world-system to create: An Equal Money System - therefore - I commit myself to Life to in-fact realize what Life means, slowly but surely.

To Be Continued...

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Day 4: How I Turned Against Myself

Fear of Being Judged by Others

Since I was about in preschool, I’ve been fearful of people because I was an extremely sick child and was coming in and out of ICU because of asthma. This led me to not have many child friends, therefore, most of my time was spent alone - wherein, I would just talk to myself and play by myself. My Mother was very protective of me because of this, and I was her first child and so having something happen to me was very devastating to her. Apparently, the asthma was so extensive that I died at birth and everyone said that I would talk to angels and tell them what angels ate. It’s a bit strange because during that time demons were using humans as their own personal meal, therefore, maybe children could’ve seen demons more clearly, while the adults were too busy worrying about everything. Anyway, back to the point, I would become very rigid around family members, even, talking to people was an extremely uncomfortable aspect/part of/as myself. So, fascinating how myself having complications as a child, led to becoming fearful of being judged by others. Throughout the years, communicating became more difficult for myself, and the after affects of myself having problems as a child, led, to myself having a lazy-eye, this was something I buried in my unconscious mind to suppress that I actually was uncomfortable within communication, because of fear being judged by my eyes.

Fear of Judgment from others is stemmed, from myself fear being the, ‘outcast,’ which I perceived myself to be the, ‘outcast,’ from the difference in how my functioning was, to other children. So, from a very young age I perceived myself as different from other children because of how I’ve perceived my appearance as an, outcast, wherein - this outcast persona, led, me to not see myself at all but continuously/consistently looking for/from how others seen myself. Another point that is coming up is, how when I was a child and I was sheltered away because of my Mom’s fears that I ended up fearing the same, as well, the fear of outside-sources hurting your child, wherein - I had taken this solitude as a confirmation point that one shouldn’t spend too much outside because you would get hurt. Literally, The Sins of the Fathers. Stopping this fear has become such a part/aspect of my pre-programming, that stopping it seems ludicrous because I’ve defined the judgement from others, as a security-blanket for myself to not face myself, by/through facing the world of how people see me.

So, there is definitely separation that I’ve created from other human-beings that I’m judging myself to, because of not seeing the human-beings that I’m fearing being judged from, one and equal to myself. I was about to write that the projection I’m projecting towards human-beings is simply not seeing others one and equal to myself, but that’s not the case. As I said above, the projection that I’m projecting at others is perceiving myself as an outcast from my physical appearance, meaning, I’m not looking at this internally as well, for myself to see how I’m perceiving myself as the, ‘outcast,’ from a very internal stand-point.

I stand one and equal to/as Judgment.
I stand one and equal to/as perceiving myself as the, ‘outcast.’
I am not accepting and allowing projections that I’m projecting at others is perceiving myself as an, ‘outcast,’ from my physical appearance, internally as well, I see myself clear and free myself of any judgments that I’m projecting at myself within this moment, to stand up one and equal of/as Judgment and Outcast, as, ‘who I am,’ as Oneness and Equality of Life as Life, Breath By Breath.

The emotional attachment is fear, of course and inferiority, wherein - I’m perceiving myself as an, ‘outcast,’ to not see myself as an equal to anyone in anyway, whatsoever, wherein - the trigger point is seeing how my functioning was different to other children, for/as not seeing that one can be one and equal to anyone, rather it meaning looking differently - internally/externally.

Fearing Judgment from Others started taking over my time, geez, its actually always taken over my time but it started really affecting me in a very negative way, when I was growing up in my teenage years. I started becoming very fearful of my body, which, led to myself becoming obsessive about what I should/shouldn’t eat, leading, towards periods of binge eating and starving myself for long periods. Within all this, I never actually looked at myself, in self-honesty - I was obsessed. Overtime, I became very depressed, focused merely on my school-work to gain control of my world/reality but that would literally be my life, when, I wasn’t too busy obsessing on how people perceived me.

I forgive myself that I’ve have accepted and allowed myself to define myself to/towards the reactions that I experience in relation to being and becoming fearful of people judging me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that the reactions that I experience to/towards being and becoming fearful of people judging me, is a representation of, ‘who I am,’ as my pre-programmed personality, therefore, being the perfect justification to abdicate my self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the emotional reactions that I experience to such an extent to/towards fearing being judged by others, that I’ve allowed myself to let it consume myself within and as allowing it to be and become a scapegoat for myself, because its become such a natural part of myself and my reality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse the experience of being sick as a child, as a scapegoat, to not face my world/reality but continuously/consistently utilize it as the perfect excuse to seclude myself from my world/reality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my Mom for/as always being alone as a child to never actually face myself, within facing this world and not secluding myself from everyone because of using and abusing being sick to not live and express myself, unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to utilize my Mother as a scapegoat of/as myself to not take self-responsibility because of using and abusing the excuse of being sick as the perfect ploy to not face myself and my reality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame/resent my Mom for all those years hiding myself away from myself and my reality, because of never understanding and facing on my own but seeing that I really had no choice but to go along with my Mom to not face my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame/resent my Mom to/as all the experiences that I didn’t get to see and realize for myself, the point of actually facing this world, because I didn’t get to hide away from my own free-will.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my Mom’s fears of something happening to me, into my own self-interest to not face my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse my physical functioning as the perfect scapegoat to not communicate with others but continuously/consistently feeding my fear of people judging me, within and as my physical appearance - meaning, actually everything of myself - internally and externally.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to throughout the years be and become uncomfortable talking to others because of my lazy-eye, leading, towards burying the uncomfortable emotional reactions that I was experiencing unconsciously to/towards suppressing that I was actually uncomfortable within communication, because of fear being judged by my eyes.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to unconsciously feed the desire of relief to not face my fears of the uncomfortable emotional reactions that has manifested for/as myself to face my fears of being judged by others, because of my lazy-eye, but continuously and consistently hiding behind my Mom as the perfect scapegoat for others to feel sorry for me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my Mom’s fear to condition myself to not face myself in anyway but use and abuse her fear towards other to feel sorry for me, that I never get to leave the house.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate the fear of judgment from other to/towards fear being perceived the, ‘outcast.’

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that because I was judging myself in relation to the lazy eyes through projecting the judgment upon other’s eye’s view of me, I’ve utilized a protection mechanism of hiding and out-casting myself from society and thereby, experienced myself as an outcast, blaming everyone for my own self created experience so that I won’t have to see my responsibility and practically change.

I forgive myself that I HAVE accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself and haven't allowed myself to see, realize and practically live Equality & Oneness BECAUSE I'm continuously and consistently comparing myself to others and therefor judge myself, and i haven't realize that by doing so, i'm sabotaging and compromising myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately be and become this, ‘outcast persona,’ on purpose for myself to continuously and consistently look for/from how others seen me, because in actuality I never seen myself at all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the continuous and consistent fear from my Mother, be and become my own fear, as a confirmation point that being sheltered away is actually acceptable for me to participate in.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not ever question my Mom’s fear of allowing me to face the outside world that allowed it to be and become me to such an extent that it became a natural part of myself, in actuality not seeing the point of taking on the sins of fear, after generation, after generation but simply define the judgment from others, as a security-blanket for myself to not face myself, by/through facing the world of how people see me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from other human-beings to such an extent that I don’t see them one and equal, as myself, but project how others is perceiving myself as an, ‘outcast,’ from an internal-external stand-point.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate the fear of being judged by others to/as the emotional reactions of fear and inferiority.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the fear of being judged by others within and as the emotional reactions of fear and inferiority.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the fear of being judged by others and from the emotional reactions of fear and inferiority, within separating myself from the fear of being judged by others and from the emotional reactions of fear and inferiority, in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate the trigger point of seeing how my functioning was different to other children to/as the fear of being judged by others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the trigger point of seeing how my functioning was different to other children, within and as the fear of being judged by others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the trigger point of seeing how my functioning was different to other children and from the fear of being judged by others, within separating from the trigger point of seeing how my functioning was different to other children and from how my functioning was different to other children, in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let the fear of judgment from others want me to distract myself from myself, to/as the affect of being and becoming obsessed with my physical body to such an extent that I abused myself within starving myself or making myself throw up.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse my physical body because of being too busy perceiving the perceptions of others as a self-definition of, ‘who I am.’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize for myself to utilize people’s perceptions of me as a gift to actually see if I value myself as life to not react to others words that are only reflections back at them to see into them, therefore, I see and realize that when I see into others the words are only points for myself to stand.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse the fear of judgment to/towards participating in depression to not face myself but lose myself, within and as school-work to gain control of my world/reality because I never actually controlled anything of myself, because I was too busy allowing the fear of judgment from others to possess me to not see myself, at all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to waste and wait for myself to realize the extent that I’m abusing myself to other people’s perceptions, that are in actuality their own fears to themselves, therefore, I see into simplicity that perceptions are only deceptions of the mind to not see oneself as one and equal to life but a slave to the fear of being judged by others.

When and as I see myself using my complications of the totality of/as myself - internally/externally, I stop, I breathe, and I bring myself back, ‘here,’ to/as not use and abuse something of myself that I’m perceiving as, ‘different,’ but actually understand how I’m using and abusing the physical complications that I have no control of to literally take Troll of how I’m seeing myself - internally.

When and as I see myself to use and abuse the fear that I experience to/towards myself of how I’m perceiving myself as, ‘different,’ to/as others that I’m communicating with, I allow myself to see and realize that becoming very rigid around people or family members isn’t what I’m being uncomfortable about, its the uncomfortability to be and become comfortable within myself to embrace the comfortness of/as actual expression of being different and seeing we’re all actually different, but that doesn’t mean that has to be something, ‘bad,’ or, ‘good.’

When and as I see myself suppressing the suppressions that are Pressing on me from my unconscious mind, I allow myself to see and realize its merely a point for myself to walk, and its not necessary to go to the extent and participate in being uncomfortable within communication, there, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here to actually come to a solution for/as the suppressions that I’m becoming one and equal too, instead of being and becoming one and equal to the unconscious build up of points that I’m suppressing to walk, step by step - Breath by Breath.

When and as I see myself associating fear of judgment to perceiving myself as the, ‘outcast,’ to how my functioning is/was to other children, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back, ‘here,’ wherein - instead, I didn’t allow myself to see or realize how I’m actually seeing myself at all, when I’m seeking the secret codes to how others want me to be and become, therefore, I’ll ask myself the question, “What am I actually standing and existing as, within fearing how others are judging me”? or, “Am I actually judging myself”?

When and as I see myself participating in Sins in the Fathers of/as sheltering myself away from my world/reality, I allow myself to realize for myself that secluding myself away from this world is actually secluding myself from myself, because this world is a reflection of myself, therefore, I don’t want to see or face myself because of using and abusing self-judgment as an excuse to hold unto like some, ‘security-blanket,’ to not face myself = Facing the world.

When and as I see myself being and becoming depressed within spending my entire time and energy within my school-work to gain some sort of control of my world/reality, because I won’t allow myself to control anything of my life, within always wanting/needing and desiring to please others to judge myself - I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here, actually listening to myself to see why I abuse myself to such an extent because of the self-judgment that I project at myself and my reality.

When and as I see myself using and abusing my physical body, within becoming obsessive about what I should/shouldn’t eat, leading, towards periods of binge eating and starving myself for long periods, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back,’here,’ to/as look within myself to see and realize that becoming obsessive about my physical-appearance is a reflection point for myself to, ‘Bring it back to myself,’ and ask myself questions to investigate why I want to appear a certain way for others.

Simplicity is the key.

Judged

Judged->Jagad, meaning that I'm being and become jagad, meaning, 'inconsistent,' and full of functions that aren't working well because of the judgement.

Within the word, ‘judged,’ I see that there a very keen reference to being judged in the past but never actually, ‘here,’ in the moment of expression. The connotation I have attached to/towards

Judged - Is the evaluation of functionality in the making of a decision.

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