Day 69: A LIFE WORTH LIVING...

This is a continuation to Day 68: I Fear Change
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that “reaching my potential” must imply that I must go outside myself and do something that society considers to be good/right/successful - within this I have not considered/taken into consideration/into account that what I am in essence doing is trying/attaining/attempting to be and become something that society has considered to be "winning in life" - not seeing, realizing and understanding that it was never about what society has considered/taken into consideration/into account how/why live should or shouldn't be lived - because it was I who had made the choice/decision to project/place Life as this game that I must continuously "reach my true potential" - therefore, I have assumed/perceived that Life was this maze that I must finally break through to be and become the winner, to be and become the apparent good/right/successful person that didn't exist in the first place, and so Life has been this maze to finally reach to the end as fast as possible to beat all the other mouses at their own game - I see and realize that continuing to exist as an idea/belief of what someone else assumes and perceives to be life is completely ludicrous, because I am here and thus I do not accept or allow myself to continue "reaching my potential" as some sort of reason to live here within and as this physical reality - therefore - I am compromising/abusing/sabotaging myself here within/as this life - because the potential is here/has always been here in every moment and of every breath that I take in here as self-awareness within and as this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself accordingly to how much society has general considered/taken into consideration/into account on a mind-level what "reaching one's potential" implies here within and as this physical reality - within this I would look outside myself in general at all the apparent good/right/successful parts/aspects that society has placed/mind-projected to be and become Life, and so when/as my Life didn't reflect what society apparently wanted/desired me to live as, I would immediately/instantaneously assume/perceive that "I am a complete failure" - not seeing/realizing/understanding that my entire starting-point was an idea/belief of what the collective as society has assumed/perceived to be worth Life, to be worth living, and so my world/reality would inevitably fall upon itself to in fact realize who I am/have become - I now see, realize and understand that "reaching for my potential" has only been reaching for some result/outcome that manifested similar to what society has assumed/perceived to be and become Life, to be worth living, and so I allow myself to stop and breathe - I realize that I AM A PART OF SOCIETY - thus I am fully and completely self-responsibile to placed/mind-projected Life to be this consistent polarity outflow when/as I am getting a certain result/outcome - therefore - I allow myself to stop and breathe - I realize that the solution/outcome is here as this breath - I do NOT accept or allow myself to live my life "reaching for my potential" - but instead I allow myself to realize/investigate/understand within and as myself how/why I've lived my Life always trying/attaining/attempting to win something that only involved a momentary energetic experience that in actuality has never/will never be able to be the potential for everyone to live here as breath in self-awareness in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I do NOT have to reach my true potential but instead I just can allow myself to continuously reach possible potential that only ever involved being and becoming some winner in this Life - because when/as I am actually being self-honest in the moment/breath/chance opportunity/potential that is actually real/valid, I can absolutely see, realize and understand that it always involved what I will get out of the solution/outcome - within this I react in complete FEAR of actually no longer playing the winner/loser game, because I actually take a thrill in all of it - I enjoy some people winning or losing - not seeing/realizing/understanding that when/as you have some people that win or lose - you have those in complete atrocious situations - to carry out the polarity - because at the end of the day the whole win or lose the game of life was only considering/taking into consideration/into account those with money in their pockets to be able to play the game in complete repetition until we die and continue the Game of Competition/Survival for generations to come - All because of what? Me winning something? Yes - winning the game of my continuous enslavement/limitation and those suffering in my name - all because I wanted/desired to continuously live in bliss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that "reaching for potential is justifiable/excusable - because of wanting/desiring to live my Life winning the prizes that I was throughout my Life to do everything in my delusional power to attain in the end - I now see, realize and understand that I am setting myself up to lose - from the perspective of not considering/taking into consideration/account those in my name that never had the chance/opportunity to even Create - because I have created Life as something to "reach for," within this I have not understood/realized/investigated what it means to actually have the potential/opportunity to Create in the first place - to be and become the Creator of my world/reality to actually live the opportunity/potential that is here in every moment of every breath - What are WE waiting for?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that the Life I am currently living is worth it in the first place to separate myself from my fellow brothers and sisters here in this world/reality for a momentary energetic experience to win something that only existed within and as my mind - in an idea/belief that I will solve anything - I now see, realize and understand that living in complete ignorance to what I am currently creating can actually be worth it in the end - not seeing, realizing, understanding the actuality of the manifested consequences I am currently creating within and as this world/reality - because I have limited/enslaved myself to ACTUALLY limit/enslave myself by/through "reaching for something" - within this I am only reaching for a delusional idea/belief of what it apparently means to live here within and as this physical reality - I see and realize that the only way I can actually reach for something is to reach within and as myself to change myself here as breath as self-awareness - taking self-responsibility for hiding behind my self-responsibility to actually be and become someone that actually cares about Life to in fact have compassion for those here - because I sure as Hell would want the same thing and not in the name of winning something that never existed in the first place but in the name of Life.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to Honor Life/Myself, Respect Life/Myself and Trust Life/Myself - but instead believe and think that "reaching for something" is somehow a Life worth it to be living - I now see, realize and understand that the only Life that is worth to be lived is here as breath in this very moment - NOT an unconscious collective of society creating all these assumptions and perceptions to live a certain way - therefore - I take a step back and allow myself to take a deep breath - to realize/understand/investigate that everyone has a choice/decision that is a part of the Elite, and so every person that is part of the Elite has to make the choice/decision for those that have absolutely no choice/decision but to remain waiting over and over for someone to finally stop reaching for something - to in fact reach inside ourselves the Honor, Respect and Trust that we can give to ourselves and those suffering in our name in every moment of every breath to how we choose/decide to live here in this Life.

To Be Continued...

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Day 67: Don't Rock The Boat

 

This is a continuation to Day 66: When the Door of Opportunity Opens

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am in fact assisting/supporting myself by/through not living a moment/breath/chance/opportunity to my fullest potential, because I have abused/compromised/sabotaged every moment of every breath that is HERE to never in fact HERE what must be heard for there to be any practical-change to this world/reality - thus, I have dis-Regarded myself over and over again in complete repetition, because in all the opportunities that I haven't taken were in fact always my choice/decision to remain an abuser that abused myself/life, in all ways possible - therefore, I now see, realize and understand that I can only ever possibly be not responsible for this world and reality if I am actually suffering in this world/reality, and it's quite funny how I am even placing an example, because I want/desire some sort of back door for myself as a justification/excuse to not move myself here within and as this physical reality, wherein this is absolutely fucked up because I am using/abusing those in my name as Life as myself who are in complete abusive situations to create this idea/belief/perception/assumption that there is some justification/excuse to not move myself - within this I am not in anyway considering/taking into consideration/account what abuse is in essence - because, I have lived my entire Lie in complete HEARNESS to never in fact HERE what must be heard to live about the practical change to no longer live my life clouding my eyes and ears for what will make me feel sugary and good to always remain just another liar that is deafened in every moment, of every breath - therefore, I do NOT accept or allow myself to limit/enslave myself in complete repetition because of making excuses/justifications that I don't even understand in actuality - because, everything action that I take here in this life, is another action to be measured if I am in actuality taking into consideration/account by/through actually walking the talk, and not making excuses/justifications that sound nice within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my Lie in complete petrification of my own FEAR that I self-created over a period of time to remain my safety-net of protection to remain a slave/character to HERE what I want/desire to HERE - not seeing/realizing/understanding that when/as I am in the moment that is here/has always been here, I am in fact always placing/projecting myself into an illusional reality, wherein I can never realize myself in anyway - thus, it's quite fascinating to see how much time I waste/postpone because I am existing in an alternate reality for myself to constantly imagine all these words to be/become a mere safety weapon, wherein I hold these words that I have valued and given certain energetic charges that I assume/perceive will make my immediate environment happy with myself, and at the same time hold my ground to remain an illusional character - thus, it's important/crucial for me to investigate/understand/realize how fast my mind can seem to operate in a moment/breath/chance/opportunity that is here/has always been here - because, I am too busy existing in my mind to in actuality see/realize/understand how slow the mind actually is operating in a moment/breath/chance/opportunity that is here/has always been here if I am in fact here as breath as self-expression, wherein if I am existing in the polar opposite that I self-created within and as my mind, then everything becomes very confusing/overwhelming, because I am not in fact here in the first place, but too busy existing in some alternative reality that only ever involved my own creation to remain doing everything in my delusional reality to ever realize who I am/have become to re-create myself to actually create something worthwhile, and that didn't involve the mantra that was always ME.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when/as I am existing in an alternate reality, I am not in anyway existing, but remaining to live here as an idea/belief/perception/assumption that I should apparently be and become to survive in my physical reality, and also within and as myself that involved never realizing who I am - thus, it's quite fascinating how survival has only and always equated to never realizing who I am, because I was trying/attaining/attempting to be and become an idea/belief/perception/assumption that meant not rocking the boat, not making people feel comfortable about realizing who I am, and so my entire Lie has been about what I assumed/perceived other people thought about me as change - not seeing/realizing/understanding that at the end of the day, it's ME that I must live within and as a day to day basis, NOT anyone's apparent beliefs/perceptions/assumptions/ideas about me as change - because, it's NOT about ME, but Equality as a Group changing here within and as this physical reality to RE-Gard this physical reality, to in fact Re-Guard this physical reality and be and become the Guardians that we can actually live to be and become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life by/through the mantra - ME, ME, ME - because, all what my Lie has been about is what will ME do to not in fact do what is needed/required to do to bring about a change to this world/reality - thus, I have lived my Lie - not seeing/realizing/understanding how/why I've only ever considered/taken into consideration/account the ME that I assumed/perceived was (apparently) ME, wherein I have been/always been a character/personality/persona to live the ME out in repetition to do everything in my delusional power to remain Re-Guarding my self-interest, at all costs, thus - I now see, realize and understand that I have lived my Lie long enough, because the time is here in this very moment to not live by/through the mantra continuously living out some idea/belief/assumption/perception I am (apparently) suppose to live out, because at the end of the day it was never about fearing rocking someone else's boat to who I am - because, I was the ME that given permission to define and give value to who I am within and as something outside of myself, to deliberately/purposely remain a self-interested ME that only existed outside myself - thus, there is no ME that is able to exist because I am not existing, who I am as Life is not existing in anyway, whatsoever - therefore, I allow myself to value myself, once and for all, to take my power back to myself to actually live here as self-expression as who I am, and not some ME that only existed in some alternate reality - constantly trying/attaining/attempting to survive/compete in this world/reality, desperately holding some ME that never considered/taken into consideration/account the WE of this world/reality to in fact live here as each breath to it's fullest potential.

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Day 55: How to Stop Judging Yourself and Others

This is a continuation to Day 54: Little Miss Judgmental
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suddenly/out of nowhere be/become self-conscious about who I am/what character I am presenting in the moment, because I am self-judging myself within and as the starting-point of thinking about all the possible scenarios about what someone is assuming/perceiving about myself - within this I mold/shape who I am/what character I am presenting in the moment to be/become accepted (apparently) to somehow have some sort of self-worth to merely exist within and as this physical reality based on the validation I will get from my outer-reality, in this I compromise/self-sabotage myself to merely express who I am/could be in a moment because I've allowed myself to believe/deceive myself that I am absolutely nothing if I don't mold/shape who I am/have become to someone's apparent perceptions/assumptions of what someone should/shouldn't apparently be in the moment, I now see, realize and understand that it was in no way sudden/out of nowhere for me to be/become self-conscious about who I am/what character I am presenting in the moment, because every moment that I am not breathing within and as self-awareness is another moment that I am self-conscious about the picture-presentations I am mind-projecting to/towards the people in my world/reality, I realize that if I allow myself to be/become self-conscious to the extent that I am always self-aware of who I am/what characters I am presenting in the moment, then I most certainly can be self-conscious, from the perspective of actually assisting/supporting myself to remain here in every moment of every breath - because there is absolutely no excuse if I am doing everything in my delusional power to remain self-aware of molding/shaping certain characters to my outer-reality and then tell myself that I am no way capable of being self-aware of what I am actually participating and experiencing myself as, therefore, I do NOT accept or allow myself to purposely/deliberately limit/enslave myself by/through making delusional excuses/justifications, because if I can be/become self-aware of myself to the extent that I mold/shape myself in every moment to survive within and as this physical reality, then I can most certainly be/become self-aware of who I am/have become in each moment.

When and as I see myself being/becoming suddenly/out of nowhere self-conscious of who I am/what character I am presenting in the moment based on my idea/belief/perception/assumption of who I should/shouldn't be in the moment/breath/chance/opportunity that is here/has always been here - I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that I am always self-conscious/have always been self-conscious - from the perspective that I am constantly molding/shaping who I am/what character I shouldn't shouldn't present in the moment/chance/opportunity/breath that I miss, only I am just now understanding how much I be/become self-conscious in the moment when/as a trigger point such as people in my outer-reality pops up for myself to reinvent who I am/have become in the moment, wherein I am always self-conscious about who I am/have become and so there is absolutely no excuse/justification for myself to continuously feed/power/fuel illusional characters to merely not accept who I am/could be in the moment/breath/opportunity/chance that is here/has always been here for myself to in-fact take my power back to myself to be/become the self-directive principle of my Life.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when/as I am in the moment suddenly/out of nowhere be/becoming self-conscious about who I am/which characters I should/shouldn't present in the moment - I am in-fact only trying/attaining/attempting to search/find/seek for self-worth, because I don't value myself in each moment for I have only been doing everything in my delusional power to remain in character - thus I've been too busy molding/shaping myself my entire life that I actually lost my own self-worth because I am compromising/self-sabotaging myself to the extent that I don't ever consider/take into consideration who I am/have become in the moment, as I see and realize that there can never/will never be able self-worth if I continuously diminishing and judging myself to the extent that I've lost entirely my worth to actually in-fact live for myself, I now see, realize and understand that if/when I see myself be/becoming suddenly/out of nowhere self-conscious of myself is because I am simply not valuing myself to simply express myself in the moment, wherein if/when I am suddenly/out of nowhere be/becoming self-conscious about myself, I am in-fact judging myself in the process to not value myself in the moment to actually express myself unconditionally here as self-expression, I do NOT accept or allow myself to continuously judge and diminish my life away because if/when I am suddenly/out of nowhere being/becoming self-conscious - I stop and I breathe - I realize that being/becoming self-conscious doesn't in anyway suddenly/out of nowhere appear within and as myself, because I must allow myself to realize that if/when the self-conscious point is coming up, I am in no way trusting myself to simply be here in the moment to actually breathe here as self-expression - because wasting/waiting/postponing my life/process is completely pointless/meaningless if I am not giving myself the worth to actually be Alive.

I commit myself to in-fact live here as self-expression to no longer self-judge and diminish who I am/have become in the moment to actually stop and breathe to realize that if/when I am suddenly/out of nowhere being/becoming self-conscious - I stop and take a deep breath - I now see, realize and understand that if/when I continuously not value myself in each moment, I am in-fact not living in any shape/form, because to actually trust myself doesn't in anyway imply I must be so afraid of myself to the extent that I must live in fear in each moment/breath/chance/opportunity that is here - I in-fact stop myself to actually trust myself for the first time, ever.

To Be Continued...

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Day 45: Part 2, When Nothing Seems to be Going Right

Life (NBC TV series) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is a continuation to Day 44: When Nothing Seems to be Going Right

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self-manipulate myself and those that are assisting/supporting me by/through NOT taking a stance within and as myself to no longer deviate my situation to in essence half-ass everything for myself to continuously remain a slave, and allow that to be acceptable because I've self-created the situation I'm facing within and as myself family to be/become something acceptable/natural to ensure that I remain participating in denial unconsciously to remain thinking/believing that everything is fine and dandy because I apparently am unable/will always be unable to take power back to myself to be/become the self-directive principle of my Life - in this the only stance I've taken within and as myself is continuous self-sabotage because I am NOT in anyway allowing myself to absolutely and specifically walk this process to NOT continuously half-ass everything because it apparently suits the situation I am facing - therefore - I am only suiting my self-interest to remain within and as the idea/belief/perception/assumption that I am unable/will always be unable to take my power back to myself to in-fact walk this process, No more Bullshit, and so I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - When and as I see myself self-manipulating myself and those that are assisting/supporting me just because I continuously bullshit myself into and as the idea/belief/perception/assumption that I am unable/will always be unable to take my power back to myself and be/become the self-directive principle of my Life, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that I was merely bullshitting myself to be/become a slave for the rest of my Life deliberately/purposely, and so my physical environment would be the perfect justification/excuse because I would assume/perceive that the situation is out of my hands and there is absolutely nothing I can do to walk this process to the best of my ability - in this I was limiting/enslaving myself because process doesn't imply, 'doing something,' but actually in-fact making the choice/decision of who I am in this Life - I commit myself - to STOP the inner-conflict within and as myself because the physical environment that I face on a daily-basis is a cool opportunity for myself to see who I am to/towards my Family's reactions, and who I can possibly be - I realize that this process is based on actually walking a decision/choice as a life commitment to walk a choice/decision, absolutely and specifically, No Bullshit Required.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continuously half-ass everything for my own self-interest - instead of actually understanding that I am using/abusing my physical environment as the perfect/justification scapegoat to remain thinking/believing that I am apparently a victim in the situation I am in, and so I don't consider/take into consideration that I am merely suppressing/hiding from the denial that I experience within and as myself to continuously use/abuse what is outside myself to the best of my ability to NOT in-fact really commit myself to Life - in this I now realize that I am actually self-creating this idea/belief/perception/assumption that I am a victim to/towards the situation I am in because I am actually relieved within and as myself, I fear that if I put my all into and as this process that I will fail miserably to the extent that I actually fear losing myself, I mean, this is actually pretty funny because I've already lost myself a long time ago and I only now understand this point when/as I am actually taking into consideration that failure is a bitch only when I am not the one that is directing myself in the moment - therefore - I now see, realize and understand that I am the one/have always been the one way that made the choice/decision to half-ass everything just because I was afraid of losing myself, and so I've been limiting/enslaving myself to the idea/belief/assumption/perception that I have a beginning and an end - instead of realizing what it means to be eternally here as Life as All as One as Equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deviate my physical environment to my advantage to NOT in-fact walk this process to the best of my ability - instead I allow myself to self-manipulate myself and those assisting/supporting me that I am apparently, 'trying,' to change myself, but I cannot do it to the best of my ability because I apparently am not able/will never be able to walk this process in relation to my family - in this I now understand that this is awfully convenient for myself to make up justifications/excuses just because I am comparing everyone else's external situations in Desteni, I then look at my process in relation to my physical environment - therefore - I allowed myself to NOT consider/take into consideration those that are in absolute abusive situations to the extent that there is absolutely no choice/decision possible to walk this process to the best of one's ability - When and as I see myself deviating my physical environment to my advantage to half-ass everything, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that I am merely doing what is apparently easier for myself - instead of actually taking my power back to myself to be/become the self-directive principle of my Life - I now realize that when/as I am NOT making the choice/decision to stand here, Eternal is when I am making the choice/decision to be/become a mere system, and that is something natural/a part of life within and as myself - I commit myself to - in-fact make the choice/decision, slowly but surely, to realize that comparing everyone else in Desteni is pointless/meaning because everyone is different, yet the same and so we have different dimensions to walk into and as this process of Equality & Oneness.

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