Day 78: I Need Stability In My Life

This is a continuation to Day 77: Dirty Little Family Secrets
The most crucial/important part/aspect I am realizing within/as the family point is that I've allowed myself to completely give into/as my mind when/as I am facing my family - because it's as though I have created two personalities in relation to my family - meaning that I will mold/shape my expression to those in my family immediately creating a separation point between 'me' and 'them,' that I don't see those in my family as actual people who have had been preprogrammed to have certain belief-systems to live throughout their lives - within this I will create a personality based on being stable/unstable when/as I am facing them in the moment, only my entire basis on what stability in fact means to live has been convoluted based on a polarity system that I am living in their presence - because when I am experiencing myself as being stable, here, and breathing - I immediately observe those in my outer-reality within/as the starting-point of judgment - now when I am experiencing myself as being stable, I get quite silent and the people around me notice that I am behaving rather weird/strange - because I have assumed/perceived that stability in fact represents to avoid/suppress hide communication at all costs - so I have especially/specifically in relation to my family have treated them as a division lining between 'me' and 'them,' that I don't actually investigate why/how those in my immediate outer-reality have behaved the way they have - and so my defense mechanism in other words would be to avoid/suppress hide communication at all costs because I experience myself as easily falling - from the perspective that I simply forget to actually breathe, being stable, that I immediately mold/shape my expression - because I experience myself as having to be on guard for the apparent attack that I already mind-project is going to happen before it actually does - and so I am of course going to face a consequential outflow because of already assuming/perceiving that something is going to happen - so I've noticed that I also hold my breath as though I am waiting for the inevitable of the abuse coming from my parents - and thus my body becomes quite stiff in complete defense mode - so I will wait until my family has left the immediate environment to actually focus on my breathing - thus, it's quite clear that I am already sabotaging myself to walk the family point, before I have even walked the point - because I immediately connect and link my mind-projections of how much I am going to be attacked/abused in some shape/form.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create two personalities when/as I am in the presence of my family and within this would this create a belief/idea about how much I have to be stable, here, and breathing - that I move from one energy point to experiencing myself as being stable to being in defense-mode, not investigating how/why I have allowed myself to completely take away my power based on how I will immediately mold/shape my expression to those in my family, and thus I would be too busy over-analyzing the person/situation that is connected/linked to my family to even actually take a deep breath - to understand that I am creating a personality based on the connection and link of my mind-projections to how I am apparently suppose to behave. I now see, realize and understand that I am preventing myself from actually getting to know how I can walk stability, here, and actually no longer move from one personality to another that was only a polarity game to try/attain/attempt to figure out everything - instead I allow myself to learn to understand that being in the presence of those in my immediate reality, is actually an awesome chance/opportunity to live here. When and as I see myself moving from one personality to another based on those in my immediate reality - I stop and I breathe - I do not accept or allow myself to continue judging/defining who I am suppose to be in the presence of my family - but instead I commit myself to really getting to know myself within/as stability, no longer being dominated on all these projections to how I am suppose to be like in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through the presence of being around my family, connect and link my mind-projections of how I am apparently suppose to behave - thinking and believing that when I am in the company of my family that I must behave in what I've believed to be stable - Within this I would then be creating stability as an personality to mold/shape my expression - and then I would immediately assume that I am actually living stability, only it was never stability that I was living - but just another experience to continue molding/shaping my expression to remain a characterization that was only my mind trying/attaining/attempting to over-analyze what it means to experience stability, only it was never about experiencing stability - but living stability here in each moment within/as self-awareness. I now see, realize and understand that I am preventing myself from getting to myself within/as stability when I allow myself to go far away off into/as my mind and over-analyzing how I am apparently suppose to behave - linking it to past/memories/experiences that I have had. I commit myself to - when and as I see myself making mind-correlations based on how I am apparently suppose to mold/shape my expression to live out an experience based on polarity - to actually learn to live stability, remain here, breathing - not allowing myself to go into/as my mind - but to instead really start investigating that if I can spend so much effort/dedication on how I am suppose to experience stability, that I can in fact live stability, no longer dominated by/through how I am apparently suppose to behave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only face my family based on a separation point between 'me' and 'them,' that which I have carried a belief/idea that I am facing myself versus my family - and within this would only see my family has something to overcome/obstacle - dependent on how I have wanted/desired myself to be behave within/as stability - dependent on moving from one personality to another that which I would never see my family as individuals who have been preprogramed to have certain belief-systems to live throughout their lives. I now see, realize and understand that I can never be able to face my family within/as complete trust and intimacy, if I am not even seeing my family as people - meaning I am not seeing them as equals when I am too busy in my mind creating all these assumptions about how I am suppose to overcome them and instead I furthermore commit myself to really also getting to know my family as people based on the principle of Oneness & Equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my family are an obstacle/transcendence point and something to overcome based on what I am creating within/as my mind about how I am not seeing my family as human beings that are one/equal to myself - not seeing/realizing/understanding that my family are people who didn't just magically wake up one day to attack/abuse myself, because it's quite obvious that it was the separation point, as I am seeing now to treat other people as an separation point is all sabotage for myself - where I take a part how/why I am separating myself those that is reflecting back to myself and within that would thus sabotage myself into thinking/believing that my family are reflecting back to myself from the starting-point of being an obstacle/transcendence point and something to overcome, and so I am only giving them a value to live based on my grounds to live out a character that was never actually stable in the first place or could ever be. I now see, realize and understand that my family are human beings that are worth much more then to simply being an idea/belief - but an awesome opportunity for myself to see how I can really get to know myself based on living the principle of Oneness & Equality when/as I am presence of those that I am communicating with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that people within/as my world/reality only are an obstacle/transcendence point and something to overcome because of how I wanted/desired myself to experience myself as being stable based on past experiences/memories I have had that if I am not constantly facing an experience then I am fucked - and because of this would thus think and believe that if I did actually stop not living the experience that is the stability character then that must mean that I have done something wrong/negative/bad - and within this would thus create energetic charges based on craving the experience I have linked to be stability to remain living out a character/personality - not seeing/realizing or understanding that it is myself that is in fact living here within/as self-awareness that doesn't need/require someone/something to prove that stability is here and real. I now see, realize and understand that dependent on the experience based the people within/as my world/reality I would immediately have desire about chasing after an experience that this would be my entire basis of trust to walk this process - instead of actually trusting myself live stability - when all the while that which I was changing myself to live out energy. I commit myself to, when I am living out an experience and calling it stability, to always make sure that I remain here, stable, breathing, expressing me as who I am - not taking on abusing others to make me experience myself as being stable - thus I instead within moments in where I see that I am craving for the experience of stability - to stop and breathe - bring myself back to here and express myself as who I actually am and within that I furthermore commit myself to get to know people and myself as no longer living by/through an experience - not form an idea/belief/perception about stability according to believe that change is finally here.

To Be Continued...

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DAY 75: To the Best of My Ability

~Picture of me sitting at my computer, writing out points that I am not integrating to the best of my ability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought as image of me sitting at my computer, writing out points that I am not integrating to the best of my ability - to exist within and as myself, wherein I will in the moment actually purposely/deliberately write myself out from the starting-point of not integrating the writing as an actual self-realization, because I will during the moment I am writing and before hand I am about to write myself out, a little voice will pop up telling me that I am being dishonest and need to STOP, take a look at my starting-point and MOVE MYSELF, for real, in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to purposely/deliberately shove aside the voice of reason - to look inside myself in terms of common-sense - where I will accept and allow myself to shove aside support from to take a step back and look at my starting point - without practically looking at why/how I am shoving aside common-sense in the first place - to no longer remain writing within and as a starting-point of self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able or worthy within and as writing myself to freedom to the best of my ability - wherein I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must write a certain way in order to get my point across - not seeing/realizing/understanding that as I am wanting/desiring to get my point across I end of somewhere in my mind, trying/attaining/attempting to reach this idea/belief about how incompetent/less than I am to never be able to possibly assist/support in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I MUST get a point across to someone or something outside myself within and as writing for people to be able to understand what I am pointing out in the first place - wherein I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I MUST continuously find a magnificent point for someone to be able to understand what I am point out - not seeing/realizing/understanding that the point is here and there is nobody to prove myself to, in the first place - because all is HERE, and thus I allow myself to LIVE this to my fullest potential, NOT squandering each opportunity after another because I believe that I am not worthy or not able to even realize that everything is here in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume and perceive that I am too incompetent/less than to actually realize that everything is here, and thus there is nothing to point out in the first place - because I have lived my entire Life, assuming/perceiving that I am too something to actually LIVE to my fullest potential, and thus writing has become the exact same matter for myself - not seeing/realizing/understanding that one doesn't have to be something in order to apparently deserve realizing that everything is here, because that would just be a contradiction to what Equality & Oneness in fact means.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I since I am apparently something like being incompetent/less than, then I cannot realize how to LIVE to my fullest potential, like integrating the words that I am writing to my fullest potential - because I have mind-projected certain characteristics as deserving or non-deserving of actually being free to LIVE - not seeing/realizing/understanding that this is a confirmation how I have a limited perception about what freedom in fact means.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mind-project certain assumptions about certain characteristics and within this give them certain values and definitions, that which would give someone a polarity mind-fuck of good/bad rewards that the person would acquire within and as their particular characteristic - not seeing/realizing/understanding the key word here, CHARACTER, thus - I now see, realize and understand that if I continue mind-projecting assumptions about what people will deserve, then I will spend my Life never in fact integrating anything remotely to my utmost potential - because at the end of the day it will be about which character would win/lose in the Game of Life - to continuously live a life full of survival and competition that was only about moving from one polarity to another.

When/as/if the thought as image of me sitting at my computer, writing out points that I am not integrating to the best of my ability -- I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back HERE - I realize that I am purposely/deliberately setting myself up to never in fact integrate the words as an actual practical-living solution, because I was too busy shoving the voice of reason telling me to take a step back and re-look at my starting-point - I commit myself to indeed stop, take a deep breath, and MOVE MYSELF, because I allow myself to SLOW DOWN - to not squander what is real and tangible to walk the talk.

When/as/if I believe that I am not able or worthy within and as writing myself to freedom -- I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back HERE - I realize that the key word here is FREEDOM, that which is including everyone here within and as this world/reality, including myself, to no longer squander a perfect structure that is writing because of belittling myself - I commit myself to become humble, and realize that everyONE here in this world/reality is one and equal, and thus writing is the same matter.

To Be Continued...

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Day 63: When Our Power Is Gone

This is a continuation to Day 62: I Am Going Through a Personality Realization 
Walking FEAR Dimensions of The Taking It Personally Character

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when/as the moment/breath/chance/opportunity presents itself to actually have a self-realization, I immediately/instantaneously participate/experience/react as though the person/whomever or whatever is bringing forth a practical point of insight to "make me" experience myself as less than/inferior/stupid, within this I do not consider/take into consideration/account that I was merely taking the point personal, not the person, because at the end of the day it is the point that is showing/revealing a reflection of/as myself to actually equalize myself to in-fact accept self-responsibility to what I've allowed within and as myself/others as myself/this world and reality/existence to release myself by/through no longer taking everything personally, because I was essentially denying/not facing the points of myself that I don't want to see within and as myself to the extreme that I will self-create this bizarre idea/belief/perception/assumption that the person/whomever or whatever is bring forth the point is somehow "making me" experience myself as less than/inferior/stupid, wherein it was me the entire time that had given the ideas/beliefs/perceptions/assumptions more value and definitions to the point that I wouldn't allow myself to realize that it was all purposely/deliberately self-created within and as my mind to "make me" seem like some victim, for it to be more easy for myself to not see, realize, understand how much I am abusing/compromising/sabotaging myself and the person that I am communicating with in the moment/breath/chance/opportunity that is here/has always been here, therefore, I did everything in my delusional power to self-create the perfect scapegoats to remain self-abusing myself for eternity, therefore, I now see, realize and understand that when/as the moment/breath/chance/opportunity presents itself to actually have a self-realization, I now re-consider who I am/have become in the moment to ensure that I don't purposely/deliberately self-create the idea/belief/perception/assumption that the person/whomever or whatever is bringing the point forth to "make me" experience myself as less than/inferior/stupid, because at the end of the day it was me who I had self-created the idea/belief/perception/assumption that something outside myself is "making me" experience myself a certain way to allow myself to feel better about who I am/have become to never realize who I am/could be in a moment/breath/chance/opportunity that is here/has always been here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am "being made" to experience myself as less than/inferior/stupid and within this would thus think, believe and perceive that I am completely defined and given value outside myself, not seeing/realizing or understanding that I am the one who has make the choice/decision to govern my power outside myself to the point/extent that I will mold/shape what I do or don't participate/experience/react within and as the moment/breath/chance/opportunity that is here/has always been here all because of self-creating every possible delusion or illusion that is possible for me to remain a mere slave stuck in my own box of/as limitation to not realize what self-realization in practical-living means, because I've always spent my entire life thinking/believing and perceiving that realization has nothing to do with self taking self-responsibility, but to realize within and as an anterior motive to forever more remain self-abusing/compromising/sabotaging who I am/could be, therefore, I stop and I take a deep breath, I bring myself back to this physical reality through seeing/realizing and understanding that I do in-fact have power to create something worthwhile that can/must be what is best for all life to no longer remain placing/projecting myself in these various scenarios of/as "being made to do something" that was only/has always been in the starting-point to actually self-realize who I am/could and ultimately must be, ME.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to purposely/deliberately self-create the idea/belief/perception/assumption that a person/whomever or whatever is bringing a practical-insight to "make me" experience/participate/react a certain way that will end up in judgment/diminishment, within this I have not considered/taken into consideration that in the moment when/as I am experiencing/participating/reacting as being/becoming less than/inferior/stupid I am inevitably "making myself" seem like the victim to the person/whomever or whatever is bringing forth the practical-insight as though I am the prey and the other party is the predator, and so I get to believe/deceive myself in the moment/breath/chance/opportunity that is here/has always been here to "make myself" not come to a self-realization, because the entire concept of being/becoming a victim to the other party that is presenting the point in the first place was in-fact my perfect scapegoat to not stand up, I've allowed myself to self-create the idea/belief/perception/assumption that if I make up something within and as my mind, then it will be easier to remain taking everything personal to personally self-abuse myself over and over again for it to be less obvious to myself that I was screwing with myself the entire time, therefore, I now see, realize, understand that the fear of someone bringing forth a practical-insight was another door of opportunity that I've feared throughout my life, because I've never actually heard the person/whomever or whatever that was brining up the point in the moment/breath chance/opportunity, because I was too busy doing everything in my power to have it my way to self-realize who I am/have become, therefore, when/as someone/something is bring forth a point in the moment I do not/have never actually heard the person's words or anything of that nature, therefore, I allow myself to stop and re-consider who I am/have become in a moment that is here/has always been here to not immediately/instantaneously self-create this idea/belief/perception/assumption that I am a victim, I am a victim to myself at the end of the day for what I allow to do everything in my delusional power to not realize what it means to actually self-realize who I am/could be, therefore, I allow myself to get real with myself to in-fact see, realize/understand that it was always myself that was "making me" experience myself to purposely/deliberately taking everything personally to remain a mere slave stuck in my own box of/as constant limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear someone brining forth a practical-insight that I've unconsciously placed/projected extensive fear throughout the years that I will actually immediately/instantaneously self-create this idea/belief/perception/assumption that I am a victim to the point and/or person or situation, because I am in actuality in-fact in defense mode to what I've so much suppressed/bottled up emotions to the point that I will act accordingly, meaning I will take the point and/or person or whatever is bringing up the point in the first place to do everything in my delusional power to not have a self-realization, therefore, I now, see, realize and understand that if I continuously live my life fearing who I am/could be and ultimately must be to create Heaven on Earth is completely pointless/meaningless/useless/hopeless, because I can never/will never be able to hide/suppress my self-responsibility to myself/others as myself/this world and reality/existence, I thus bring myself back to the inevitable, myself, therefore, I stop purposely/deliberately accumulating energy that will only prolong my process in the end to ever in-fact realize who I am/have become to get real within and as myself to no longer remain a victim to myself to slowly but surely stand up for what I've inevitably must face in the end, MYSELF - All of Me, therefore, All of Life.

To Be Continued...

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Day 61: Taking Things A Little Too Personally?

Taking It Personally Character - Walking the Dimensions

FEAR Dimension - The most prominent fear I experience in relation to the Taking It Personally Character, is when/as someone is pin-pointing something that needs/requires change/direction, I immediately/instantaneously take it personally from the perspective that I experience this person deliberately/purposely pin-pointing what needs/requires change/direction as some form/way to make me experience myself as less than to the point that it compounds/fuels/powers itself, wherein I see myself as less than/inferior/stupid, therefore, I am immediately taking it personally from the perspective that I judge/diminish myself in the moment - instead of considering/taking into consideration/account that even if this/person did purposely/deliberately pin-point something that needs/requires change/direction to be/become superior/good/right, it is actually valid in the end, because as long as I am experiencing/participating/reacting to someone/something outside myself, it is ME at the end of the day that self-created the point that I am facing a certain way, wherein I make the choice/decision to react in the moment/breath/chance/opportunity that is here/has always been here.

So, fascinating how I've allowed myself to immediately/instantaneously take someone's practical insight to actually change/transform myself, I in actuality make the choice/decision to experience/participate/react in this less than persona to the point that I see myself as less than/inferior/stupid, therefore, I must immediately look at the polarity play-out that is occurring in this instance, obviously, if I don't take a moment/breath/chance/opportunity that is here/has always been here to actually consider/take into consideration/account what someone is bringing forth, is a very cool opportunity for myself to see who I am in a moment, from the perspective to see if I in actuality am clear as breath to in-fact here the person's words and make the choice/decision to align myself to what needs/requires change/direction or if I am abdicating my self-responsibility by/through immediately/instantaneously to react in a moment, because I apparently no better than the person that is pin-pointing something that needs/requires direction, because obviously if I am making the choice/decision to react in the moment, then I really do require change/direction to/towards the point, I mean, if I were to remain clear in the moment, then my stance would one and equal to/towards the point that is being mentioned in the first place, therefore, I have to look at the polarity play-out that is occurring: I am reacting to someone pin-pointing something that I need/require change/direction from/as their perspective, and so I will react by/through experiencing myself as less than/inferior/stupid because I in actuality want/desire the person to see me as more than/superior/intelligent, wherein the that moment/breath/chance/opportunity that is here/has always been here, I will immediately react in the assumption/perception that the person that is mentioning this point, is more than/superior/intelligent, because I see myself as less than/inferior/stupid on my end, because I immediately/instantaneously assume/perceive that I should've already knew that from/as the get go, because it's after all myself at the end of the day that makes the choice/decision to who I am throughout my day to day basis, therefore, I didn't see, realize/understand that it's important for me to actually take others perspectives seriously, because this brings up the point of sharing and realizing that we all have different experiences throughout our lives, and so were going to have different perspectives to bring up in the moment to bring about actual real self-change/transformation to no longer play the game that I am inferior/stupid/less than just because I didn't take the chance/breath/opportunity that is here/has always been here simply on taking other's perspectives personally to remain spiteful and all-knowing, wherein it was all bullshit in the end, because it was just another ME/character/personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate/experience/react in FEAR to/towards the Taking It Personally Character, when/as someone is pin-pointing something that needs/requires change/direction, within this I immediately/instantaneously take it personal, from the perspective that I experience myself as less than/inferior/stupid, because I assume/perceive that the other person is bringing the point forth to make me experience myself as less than/inferior/stupid - instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that it doesn't matter if the person is purposely/deliberately bringing the point fourth to make me experience myself as less than/inferior/stupid, because nobody can ever/never will be able to make me experience myself a certain way, I am the one that makes the choice/decision in every moment of every breath, therefore, it doesn't matter if the person is purposely/deliberately wanting/desiring for me to experience/participate/react to/towards their point that is coming forth, this is merely showing/revealing to myself who I am in the face of other's perspectives in the moment/breath/chance/opportunity that is here/has always been here, therefore, I now see, realize and understand that it's NEVER about the person that is brining up the point in the moment, BUT, who I am in relation to the point that is presenting itself, and so when/as I am seeing myself making the choice/decision to immediately/instantaneously take what the person is stating personal, I immediately/instantaneously see/realize/understand that it's never about anyone else, BUT, who I am in relation to the point that is coming forth in a moment, therefore, I allow myself to stop, breathe and bring myself back HERE, I do NOT accept or allow myself to continuously experience/participate/react within and as an persona/personality/ME/character that is only trying/attaining/attempting to be/become more than/superior/intelligent to NOT equalize and see, realize, understand that in the moment when/as I am making the choice/decision to react within and as an persona/ME/character/personality, I am making the choice/decision to play-out a polarity game that will inevitably lead to self-sabotage and compromise, because I am merely trying/attaining/attempting to be/become more than/superior/intelligent, therefore, I am only remaining spiteful, because one energy point cannot exist without the other, and so the game of less than/inferiority/stupidity precedes itself.

When and as I see myself taking something personal to/towards the person that is bringing up the point in the moment, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back HERE, I now see, realize and understand that it's NEVER about the person, BUT, who I am within and as the point that is coming forth, therefore, it's obviously pointless/meaningless for me to react/experience/participate at all, because it's an awesome door of opportunity for me to see/realize/understand within and as common-sense to NOT continuously disregard someone's perspectives because I want/desire to be/become more than/superior/right, and so I am only being spiteful, therefore, I now see, realize and understand that it's important/crucial within and as my process to be/become humble to in-fact realize/understand/investigate that taking other people's perspectives is not about being right/wrong, BUT, learning to assist/support each other as we would want from ourselves, and so sharing is certainly caring, because without all of here as this world/reality, then there would be absolutely no learning to actually grow as human beings, therefore, I commit myself to investigate/realize/understand that everyone in this world/reality faces different experiences and obstacles, and so were obviously going to have different perspectives for each other, and this is not in anyway an good/bad thing, BUT, an awesome opportunity to learn from each other to actually in-fact growth, NOT, from/as an knowledge/information stand-point, BUT, to take away awesome realizations from others to be/become practically applied within and as this world-system to actually walk the talk.

I now see, realize and understand that the only way I am/can ever in-fact actually re-birth myself here within and as this Life, is to actually let go of my ego to in-fact get real with myself, because my spitefulness to merely be seen as another ME/character/personality is purely bizarre, I mean, if I actually allow myself to just be/become humble to share/express myself within and as another and so forth, then there would be no polarity games at all, no competition of/as being right/wrong, BUT, simply showing/revealing an point to another as myself, therefore, I allow myself to get real by/through remaining here as breath as self-awareness to in-fact trust myself in the moment/breath/chance/opportunity that is here/has always been here, because it's not about who presented what point to value and give definitions to ourselves a certain way, BUT, to actually start learning from each other and grow as human beings to realize that considering/taking into consideration someone else's perspective/into account is a crucial/important form/way for me to ever actually purify myself here in this life, therefore, it's time for me to see/realize and understand that self-realization takes many levels and remaining in an delusional stance of others revealing/showing points that needs/requires change/direction is one of them, therefore, Equality & Oneness cannot/and will never be able to be individualized, because Equality & Oneness stands here eternally for all as One as Equal, Time to get Real.



To Be Continued...

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Day 60: Is This Really Me?

This is a continuation to Day 59: My Own Worst Enemy
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/diminish who I am, to the point that I will react in guilt/shame/regret, in this I've allowed myself to actually mind-project who I am/have become as inferior/bad/wrong because I am in actuality playing the morality card, because I assume/perceive that if I apparently am no longer living as the who I am that I've carried so much weight/wait, then I will be ME that is superior/good/right, not seeing, realizing and understanding that I have self-created the idea/belief/perception/assumption that if I am not apparently being/becoming I shouldn't/should be, I will then carry polarities to who I am/have become in a moment, therefore, I allow myself to realize/understand/investigate that I've merely carried so much weight/wait to myself, because I was only playing a game of/as an character/personality/ME to ever actually be/become humble for the first time, therefore, I now see, realize and understand that if/when I am judging/diminishing myself to the point that I experience/participate/react in guilt/shame, I MUST get down to the nitty gritty because a point doesn't suddenly/out of nowhere pop up to the point that it compounds/fuels/powers itself more and more, and so I allow myself to in-fact stop, breathe and bring myself back here, because if/when I see myself creating division/separation/friction within and as myself, I stop, because I am the one at the end of the day that makes the choice/decision what goes on inside of myself, within this I allow myself to consider/taken into consideration/account that judging/diminishing myself is in no way a practical-solution, therefore, when/as I see myself judging/diminishing myself/reacting in guilt/shame/regret because what I am seeing in myself in the moment, I take a deep breath, apply the 4-count breath to get back to the basics to in-fact realize that I am here/have always been here, therefore, it's pointless/meaningless to perpetuate/compound/fuel/power the point further.

I now see, realize/understand that if/when I see myself judging/diminishing myself to the extent that I participate/experience/react in regret/shame/guilt, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here, I now see, realize and understand that if/when I compound/perpetuate/fuel/power a point further, I stop, take a deep breath and apply the 4-count breath, I allow myself to realize/understand/investigate that if/when I am allowing myself to react further to a point, I realize that the point did not pop up suddenly/out of nowhere, but has been created over a period of time to the point that I will have reactions to the actuality of not being/becoming humble, to in-fact realize that who I am starts within and as myself, therefore, it's up to me to actually create solutions in my physical reality to not create unnecessary conflict/friction/separation/division, therefore, I commit myself to give myself the time throughout my days to write out points to actually walk the talk within and as my physical reality, to in-fact breathe here and apply the 4-count breath if/when I see myself in the moment judging/diminishing who I am/have become/reacting/participating/experiencing guilt/regret/shame in relation to judging/diminishing who I am/have become/could be/become, therefore, I allow myself to actually create solutions for myself on my day to day basis to no longer create endless polarities of superiority/good/right and inferiority/bad/wrong to realize/investigate/understand that if/when I continuously allow myself to play-out polarities, I stop myself, apply the 4-count breath to realize/understand/investigate that I always have the choice/decision to stand here, to no longer remain hating myself for eternity.

When and as I see myself judging/diminishing who I am/have become the the extent that I experience/participate/react in guilt/shame/regret, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here, I now see, realize and understand that I am in actuality self-aware/always self-aware of what I am participating/experiencing/reacting to in a moment/breath/chance/opportunity, therefore, I allow myself to take the moment/breath/chance/opportunity that is here/has always been here to stop, take a deep breath and apply the 4-count breath, because I've self-created the point of how I see myself throughout the years over an extended period of time, and so it will take just as much time to stop myself from judging/diminishing myself to the point that I experience/participate/react within and as regret/shame/guilt,therefore, I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I am experiencing/participating/reacting within and as regret/shame/guilt because I am self-aware of who I am/have become, and so I knew that if I continuously experience/participate/react in regret/shame/guilt that it would be the perfect justification/excuse/scapegoat to give up on myself because I see myself as the polarity make up of energy, inferiority/bad/wrong and/or superiority/good/right.

I commit myself to in-fact stop carrying the weight/wait of/as the FEAR I hold over myself in relation to the judgment/diminishment and reactions of regret/shame/guilt, because I was only in the end participating/experiencing/reacting in FEAR, because all I've seen myself throughout my life was an polarity make up of energy, inferiority/bad/wrong and/or superiority/good/right, therefore, I haven't seen myself at all because I've been too busy sabotaging/compromising who I am/could be, because of an self-sabotaging cycle of polarity to the point that all I see is all I've become throughout my life/process, therefore, I allow myself to stop, take a deep breath and realize/understand/see that the FEAR I hold over myself can stop if I actually want it too, and so I allow myself to stop making justifications/excuses/scapegoats purposely/deliberately for myself to continuously live my life stringing by a wheel of polarity going absolutely nowhere.

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Day 59: My Own Worst Enemy

This is a continuation to Day 58: STOP! In The Name Of LIFE
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when/as I am in the moment/chance/breath/opportunity that is here, lie to myself, because I've allowed myself to search/find/seek/reach out for a ME/character/personality to purposely/deliberately not look within and as self-honesty to realize/understand/investigate that the entire time I wasn't in anyway looking/searching/finding//reaching out for myself, because I have known/have always known that "who I am" is not separate outside myself creating separation/division within and as myself, therefore, I have known/have always known that the entire time that I am here/have always been here to the point that I will self-create Me's/personalities/characters to not look within and as self-honesty to actually create a practical-solution in my day to day living that can/always been applied, of course always taking into consideration/account of the principle of Equality & Oneness to make sure I don't search/find/seek/reach outward for a ME/character/personality, purposely/deliberately to not consider/take into consideration/into account how/why I've allowed myself to lie relentlessly for absolutely nothing in the end, because I was only wasting/waiting/postponing/prolonging my game of searching/finding/seeking/reaching out for a ME/character/personality that I knew within and as myself was impossible/has always been impossible to find, because it was only an illusional idea/belief/perception/assumption to continuously believe/deceive myself that somehow "who I am" can be based on something outside myself in the first place.

I now see, realize and understand that if/when I see myself in the moment of an actual moment/chance/breath/opportunity that is here/has been always here to be compromised/sabotaged because of taking the moment/chance/breath/opportunity that is here/has always been here searching/finding/seeking/reaching out for a ME/character/personality, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back HERE, I now see, realize and understand that I was only trying/attaining/attempting to search/find/seek/reach out for a ME/character/personality, because "who I am," is here/has always been here the entire time and I find this very difficult to face within and as myself, I fear that if/when I actually take the moment to actually be here in the moment within and as the actual moment/chance/breath/opportunity that is here/has always been here that I will always have to face myself, therefore, it's quite fascinating how I've carried so much FEAR to/towards myself to the point that I will purposely/deliberately create separation/divide within and as myself in relation to search/find/seek/reach out for a ME/character/personality, therefore, I commit myself to get back to myself/existence/this world and reality to understand/realize/investigate that if I continuously waste/wait/postpone my life away merely because I assume/perceive that an apparent ME/character/personality will somehow allow the FEAR I experience and participate unconsciously within and as myself somehow go away, then my life/process/the entirety of myself will have been compromised/sabotaged because I did not a take a moment/chance/opportunity that is here/has always been here to in-fact realize/understand/investigate that it's time to really get to know myself for the first time, to actually realize that "who I am" cannot in any shape/form be/become erased because of a ME/character/personality, because "who I am" is here/has always been here and so there is no way to escape the inevitable of facing myself, absolutely and specifically getting to know myself for the first time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry so much weight/mind-burden myself within and as FEAR to/towards actually in-fact facing myself to the point that I will actually search/find/seek/reach out for Me's/characters/personalities that I knew within and as myself will only have always created divide/separation, because I actually FEAR who I am/have become to in-fact be/become intimate within and as myself, therefore, if/when I am carrying so much weight/mind-burden of FEAR of the actuality of "who I am," then I've actually judged/diminished myself to the point that I will do everything in my delusional power to suppress/hide away from the truth of myself, and so I will lie to myself on a day to day basis, when/as I am in a moment/breath/chance/opportunity that is here/has always been here, because the judgment/diminishment is actually my safety-net to be/become my justification/excuse to continuously not actually look/search/find/seek within and as what is here/has always been here, to in-fact realize/understand/investigate that I've been separate from myself for so long, because my entire life I've unconsciously carried so much weight/mind-burden within and as FEAR to "who I am," because I've actually been self-aware on some level that who I am/have become is something that must be changed, and so the fear/diminishment/judgment was my little safety-net to not actually investigate/realize/understand myself within and as self-honesty, therefore, I allow myself to take a step back and in-fact understand/realize/investigate that the FEAR/diminishment/judgment was actually purposely/deliberately my safety-net, because I am scared shitless to search/find/seek/reach within and as myself, creating no separation/division, but actually creating a physical practical solution on a day to day basis that will allow me to look within and as myself in complete self-honesty for myself to not be/become fearful/diminished/judgmental within and as myself, to in-fact realize that this process/life starts with myself to actually no longer carry the weight/wait and mind-burden of FEAR to take a step back, apply the 4-count breath, check myself within and as self-honesty to make sure I am not in anyway experiencing/participating in my world and reality/existence as a ME/character/personality, but in actuality understanding/realizing/investigating that I am here/have always been here and so there is absolutely nowhere for me to hide, how cool is that?!

I now see, realize and understand that when/as I am experiencing and participating within and as carrying so much weight/wait and mind-burden of/as FEAR to/towards myself, no Me's/characters/personalities needed/required, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here, I now see, realize and understand that I am purposely/deliberately searching/finding/seeking/reach outward for a ME/character/personality to divide/separate myself from/to/as myself, to continuously not in-fact realize/understand/investigate that if/when I am doing everything in my delusional power to not actually realize myself from the get go, I am in actuality carrying so much weight/wait and mind-burden of/as FEAR because I have mind-projected my own ideas/beliefs/perceptions/assumptions about who I am/have become to the point that I will go outside myself to find/search/seek/reach out for Me's/characters/personalities, because I have unconsciously mind-projected myself as something I must diminish/judge to the point I will hide behind a false presentation to not simply be/become humble, slowly but surely, therefore, I commit myself to take a deep breath, be patient, and see/realize/understand that who I am/have become is completely unacceptable but I do not need/require to separate/divide myself to/from/as myself more, therefore, I allow myself to actually take a step back, apply the 4-count breath when/as I see myself in the moment looking/seeking/searching/reaching out for a ME/personality/character or in the moment actually seeing myself about to/or already in that very moment looking/seeking/searching/reaching out for a ME/personality/character to simply breathe, no judgment or diminishment needed, I allow myself to see/realize/understand that I must be/become absolutely humble, because looking within and as common-sense the judgment/diminishment has only led me to FEAR, to FEAR so compounded/perpetuated/compounded that I feared myself/who I am/have become/could be.

To Be Continued...

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