Day 44: When Nothing Seems to be Going Right

Continuation to:

Day 43: Escaping the Abusive Environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT walk process to the best of my ability because I have used/abused the physical environment as an scapegoat that actually makes sense within and as my mind - to maintain the idea/belief/perception/assumption that I apparently don't have a choice to walk this process to the best of my ability - within this I'm deliberately/purposely maintaining this idea/belief/perception/assumption because I don't want to actually self-will myself to move myself when/as the going apparently gets tough I want/desire to give up before I even started in the first place - in this I've allowed myself to continuously use/abuse my physical environment as why/how I'm not walking this process to the best of my ability to the extent that it becomes an excuse/justification that actually makes sense within and as my mind to NOT in actuality realize the extent to how/why I've possessed myself to remain comfortable into and as my denial/apathy to NOT walk this process - because there is absolutely no middle ground to walking this process to the best of my ability - I'm either being standing/committing myself to this process or I am making the choice/decision to remain just another CharACTer - I now see, realize and understand that this process MUST be walked specifically and absolutely - I CANNOT leave any backdoors for myself such as my physical environment because I wouldn't then be making any commitment/stance within and as myself - because my commitment/stance would be subjected to and as my outer-reality to NOT in-fact stand here absolutely and specifically - I do NOT accept or allow myself to walk this process of Equality & Oneness half-assed because process can not/will never be able to be walked to the best of my ability by/through 99.9% or making excuses/justifications that I CANNOT walk this process because of something like my physical enviornment - Process MUST be walked 100% to ensure that I absolutely leave no backdoors for myself because of self-creating these ideas/beliefs/assumptions/perceptions that I have apparently no choice/decision to in-fact walk this process - I realize now that having no choice/decision to walk this process is when/as I am starving to death or stuck into and as being an sex slave and absolutely hoping/placing and projecting faith that someone/something will finally save me from this Hell - I now see, realize and understand that its up to us as the Elite to STOP making excuses/justifications to in-fact STOP placing/projecting ourselves in these hopeless situations because we never actually known what being hopeless actually in-fact means.


I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am not in anyway in a hopeless situation because I have the more then what I actually need/require to survive into and as this physical reality - within this assuming/perceiving that I am trapped in my physical environment to NOT walk this process to the best of my ability is an justification/excuse on my part to continuously remain in complete possession of/as myself to ensure that I do not take my stance within and as myself that I am merely remaining trapped to myself because I've allowed myself to assume/perceive that I am an prisoner to my physical environment - in this I now see, realize and understand that I am a prisoner to myself because I am the one at the end of the day that make the choice/decision to remain comfortable into and as myself to be/become the denial/apathy that I didn't understand that what I face is a mirror of who I am/could be because I've been too busy assuming/perceiving that I am a victim, and so I will experience myself as trapped - therefore - All my power is taken away because I've allowed myself to be/become less than/inferior/unimportant to/towards my family because I've allowed myself to give in to such an extent that I didn't self-will myself to walk this process to the best of my ability - I now see, realize and understand I am the ONE that makes the choice/decision to stand/commit myself to walking this process to the best of my ability or I will be/become a CharACTer for the rest of my life - continuously assuming/perceiving that I am a victim to my environment, - I realize that I am a victim to myself because I cannot make the choice/decision to walk this process to the best of my ability if I am allowing myself to remain in complete possession of/as myself to ensure that I remain thinking/believing that  I am an prisoner to my physical environment - instead I check myself if I am leaving backdoors for myself to NOT allow myself to walk this process half-assed - I take MY POWER back to myself to realize that it was always here in the first place waiting for me to in-fact apply/live it for the first time, No More 99.9% - its time to walk this process absolutely and specifically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to purposely/deliberately to self-manipulate myself and my physical environment separate from me because I've allowed myself to self-create the idea/belief/assumption/perception that I am apparently a victim to the situation I am in to the extent that I will experience myself as trapped - in this I allow myself to NOT self-will myself to walk this process absolutely and specifically because I've allowed myself to give into my mind to NOT walk this process at all - I would assume/perceive that I am walking to the best of my ability because I self-manipulate myself and those assisting/supporting me because I've allowed myself to NOT self-realize for myself that this process MUST be walked 100% - absolutely and specifically - Making a choice/decision to stand/commit myself to/towards Life and in-fact living/applying it, I now see, realize and understand that I MUST live by/through this choice/decision in self-honesty - instead I am allowing my self-interest to be/become my starting-point because I've allowed myself to think/believe and perceive that my physical environment governs me - I govern MYSELF to make a choice/decision and standing/committing myself to that choice/decision, and so I in-fact stop, breathe and I bring myself back here - I commit myself to take my stance within and as myself to really walk this process of Equality & Oneness, Time to Walk my Talk.

To Be Continued...

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Day 19 : I'm Completely Lost

This is a continuation to Day 16: I'm Already Dead
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and participate in the I give up character because I compounded/suppressed//hid from the point in relation to emotional reactions I was participating/limiting myself to be and become: hopelessness/meaninglessness/overwhelmingness I didn't stop in the moment in my conscious mind and so I didn't take the self-directed decision to bring my power back to myself to create a solution for myself in practical-living - within this I allowed myself to participate/limit myself to the emotional reactions of hopelessness/meaninglessness because everything wasn't matching up to the expectations/ideas/beliefs/perceptions that I've created in my mind and so I allowed myself to give up on myself because of a mere picture-presentation that become bigger then myself that I allowed myself to diminish myself to nothingness - therefore - it came to the point where I would not participate in anything and if I did it wouldn't be to my utmost potential but forced because I gave up on myself because of the expectations/ideas/beliefs/perceptions didn't match up to the picture-presentation that I envisioned my life to be and become - within this I allowed myself to sulk into a bottomless pit of depression because my life wasn't the picture-presentation I want/desired my life to be because of a mere idea/belief/expectation/perception that literally became me and so I wouldn't allow myself to live my life in anyway but continue living a Lie that had to fit a picture that was in the end comparison of how everyone in my outer-reality is living their Li (f) e - therefore - I now see, realize and understand that I'm deliberately/purposely living my Life based on a Li (f) e because if I actually live my Life based on no expectations/ideas/beliefs/perceptions then all what will remain is myself and so I will be the self-directive principle of my life and if my Life doesn't work out by/through making the decision to step by step - breath by breath - apply myself that I would somehow take it personally because before my Li (f) e was nothing more and nothing less then a preprogrammed robot directing my life and so I split myself into two - to not see, realize and understand that I'm always the self-directive principle of my life and being afraid of not living my life based on no picture-presentations is ludicrous because I have always been responsible for how/why my world operates - therefore - this shows/reveals just how much I've separated myself from Life because I have created the idea that I'm only responsible for my Life when I'm not in my mind - within this I'm not understanding that in every moment of every breath that I'm either aware or unaware is still a breath/chance/opportunity for myself to stand up and really live my Life to my fullest potential - I decide to take my power back to myself to in-fact be the one that is in the front seat of my Life and not some expectation/idea/belief/perception that only led to the I give up character in the end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and participate in the I give up character to such an extent that my life becomes consumed of a bottomless pit of depression because I didn't allow myself to understand that my life can never/will never be able to be and become a picture-presentation because the starting-point was never what was best for all/myself - within this I allowed myself to spend hours and hours in my room participating in self-victimization/self-defeat because I didn't stop and create a solution for myself in practical-living- within this I allowed myself to wait/postpone process because of a mere picture-presentation wasn't matching to the expectation/idea/belief/perception that I envisioned my life to be and become - not seeing, realizing and understanding that each breath/chance/opportunity I don't take become of wallowing in some fucked up expectation/idea/belief/perception is just a confirmation of how I've allowed myself to give up when the going gets tough because I can spend my entire life wallowing depression and it won't change anything - therefore - I allowed myself to wait/waste/postpone another breath/chance/opportunity that could've been spent assisting/supporting myself to in-fact see, realize and understand that if spend my life envisioning what it must be it will just turn into another expectation/belief/idea/perception and so I'll be on some search that was impossible because the starting-point was energy to try/attain/attempt to be and become a pretty picture-presentation that always turned/transformed into another picture-presentation and so as long as I live my life within this starting-point I will be digging my own grave because I will be just another person that falls into the I give up CharACTer because I allowed myself to submit to the hopelessness/meaninglessness to not in-fact stand up but be another whiner/complainer that spends him/her Life in complete depression because of always envisioning for the next miraculous quick-fix that will bring about some change outside self - therefore - I now see, realize and understand that wallowing in depression is just another wasted breath/chance/opportunity to reach the Door of Opportunity that was/has always been here but I was too busy envisioning my life to be and become some cookie cutter picture that I become completely separate from Living/Life and so wallowing in depression would have to be one of the most stupidest things ever because it in no way brings about any change to Life/myself and so is only another excuse/justification to not get my head out of my ass to understand that the Depression I experience is just another experience and so I have the power to change my world/reality because I am/have always been the self-directive principle of my Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that when I am experiencing and participating in the I give up character that I'm only responsibly for my Life when I'm not in my mind - therefore - the decisions that I take in my Life - the decision I chose to submit to the I give up CharACter because of some mere emotional reactions of hopelessness/meaninglessness when I'm in my mind are apparently acceptable - not seeing, realizing and understanding that in every moment of every breath, rather self-aware or unaware I'm self-responsible for what I limit myself to be and become and so even when I'm participating in the I give up CharACTer I made the decision/choice to limit myself as a mere Actor and so there are no excuses/justifications because I knew within that moment/chance/opportunity exactly what I was doing to myself - I was hiding/suppressing the point that I limited myself to the I give up CharACter because I didn't give a fuck about Life but only my precious CharACTer to maintain because I actually wanted to participate in the hopelessness/meaninglessness because it provides me with the perfect excuse/justification to not stand up but only wallow in depression because of my life not working out - I now see, realize and understand that I always have a decision in every moment of every breath to either be self-honest or self-dishonest - Time to Walk the Talk.

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Day 16: I'm Already Dead

 This is a continuation to Day 13 and Day 14:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and participate in the I give up character to such an extent that my physical body would react because I didn't stop the thought in the moment in my conscious mind and so I compounded/suppressed/hid from the point further because I didn't stop and create a solution for myself in practical-living - within this I allowed myself to wait/postpone to transcend the point until my physical body actually starts showing/revealing what it is I'm doing to myself to connect the dots to what I've been allowing within myself - not seeing, realizing and understanding that if I continue waiting/postponing to face points that I created to the point that my physical body starts experiencing pain then I know that I'm using and abusing my physical body as a religion of self because I didn't allow myself to just stop, breathe and bring myself back here and so I allowed myself to suppress/hide/compound the point in the moment because I justify/excuse myself to not take self-responsibility in the moment because I can always write out the point later or wait/postpone my process in general until the point comes up again for myself to transcend - therefore - I now see, realize and understand that I'm deliberately/purposely not transcending points in the moment even when I'm aware of the thoughts in my conscious mind I allow myself to compound/hide/suppress the point to not in-fact stand up but use/abuse the pains from my physical body as the perfect excuse/justification to not stop, breathe and bring myself back here to understand that I'm perfectly capable of stopping the thought in the moment and I certainly don't require/need to put my physical body in pain because of my own ignorance to not stand up in the moment purposely/deliberately to forever more participate in the I give up CharACTer - I do not accept or allow myself to remain a character that is always craving/wanting/desiring another CharACTer to validate/justify him/her's existence to never in-fact stand up in the moment to stop the enslavement of myself to finally in-fact understand that I have the power to stop myself in every moment of every breath - therefore - I decide who I am and who I could be in every moment of every breath to in-fact stop the bondage of my mind and to realize that how I experience myself as a slave to my mind is what I actually allowed myself to become one and equal to/towards and this is not acceptable in anyway, whatsoever - I have to stop this madness of myself to think/believe that I will always and will forever be a slave to the CharACTers in my mind - to always think/believe I will remain a CharACTer and so I allow myself to stop in this moment to see, realize and understand that I'm finally going to put myself out of work to never in-fact always search/find outside myself the perfect scenarios to how I should perform within the various CharACTers that I suit up in the moment to finally embrace myself to understand that I have a choice in every moment of every breath to in-fact stop and decide in every moment of every breath that I can stop - I can become Life.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that in every moment of every breath I decide who I want to be or who I could possibly, instead - I allowed myself to participate and experience myself as nothing more and nothing less then the I give up character because I allowed myself to think/believe that I don't have the power to stand up in a moment to understand that in every moment I am here and so in every moment I have the choice to face myself - to in-fact understand that I decide who I want to be or who I could be and me not seeing, realizing and understanding this point is a mere confirmation of how I split myself in two to be and become a CharACTer to always wait/waste/postpone my life/process to some religion of self but this time it involved pain from my physical body because I didn't allow myself to stop the thought-dimension of the I give up character in the moment and so I allow my entire life/process become the I give up character because I had taken one breath to decide that I didn't want/desire to stop a thought in the moment - therefore - I didn't see, realize and understand that even in the moment that I allowed myself to not stop the thought in one breath was in-fact a decision/choice that I made and so myself assuming//perceiving/justifying/excusing myself from the point that I can't stop myself in the moment because I have no decision/choice is pure contradiction to not understand that in every moment I have the choice to stop and to face myself to finally in-fact allow the madness to stop - I now see, realize and understand that I allow myself to be and become the I give up CharACT to such an extent that I allowed myself to think/believe that I don't have the decision/choice to stop thoughts in the moment and so I've allowed the I give up character become a part of myself the point that I thought/believed that I'm entirely a slave to my mind and its impossible for me to only face a point until my physical body starts experiencing pain in the moment - I do not accept or allow myself to think/believe that I don't have a choice/decision to stop participating in the mind in a moment but even within this if I give myself the choice/decision to stop participating in my mind then that will allow a backdoor for myself to not stop and face the point in the moment because I think/believe that there is always a choice/decision to wait/waste/postpone process to never in-fact take the ultimate decision/choice in one moment to never allow myself to be and become another CharACTer that never gives a fuck about anything but searching/finding something outside self to allow other CharACters to validate/justify that I'm the best CharACTer in the world and so I don't have to make the decision in the moment because I can remain just another CharACTer waiting for another scene to play in.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I allow myself to think/believe there is a choice/decision to stop participating in my mind in the moment then that allows me to create a scapegoat/backdoor for myself because I allowed myself to think/believe that I have the choice/decision in the moment to decide who I want to be or could be in the moment by/through stop participating in the mind, instead - I didn't take into consideration that if I allow myself to assume/perceive that I have the choice/decision to not stop in the moment then that means I can waste/wait/postpone for another moment of breath that will allow me to make the decision/choice to stop in the moment - not seeing, realizing and understanding that there is no other moment of breath that will magically allow me to understand that I have the choice/decision to stop in one moment to really commit myself to Life and so every moment of every breath is here for myself to understand that breath is not some future mind-projection that will allow me to not give up on myself because I already been giving up on myself for quite some time because I even allowed myself to think/believe that every breath is somewhere else and that every breath will allow me to magically understand that I can make the one decision/choice to stop in one moment - therefore - there is no choice but to continue walking this process to see, realize and understand that al it takes if for myself to will myself to understand I don't have to live my Life as some CharACTer that will do everything seemingly possible to go into the lime light to want/crave/desire other CharACTers to validate/justify/excuse myself to forever remain just another CharACTer that will die and knowing that I could've stopped myself to actually make a change to not remain a slave to the I give up character because I decide who I am or could possibly be in every moment of every breath - therefore - I now see, realize and understand that if I continue thinking/believing there is this one breath that will make me realize how I'm limiting myself then I know that I even separated myself from breathing because I assumed/perceived that one breath will allow me to realize myself - obviously breath doesn't allow me to realize myself but I allow myself to realize myself as the breath in every moment of breath - A Process of Accumulation - I do not accept or allow myself to continue living my life as a choice/decision because there is no other choice/decision but to walk here in every moment of breath to actually decide that I have a decision and the only decision to walk this process of walking myself out of my mind and into the physical because I can not allow myself to continue living my life as though something magical will happen because I know within myself that  there is absolutely nothing magical when it involves just another CharACTer that will do anything to remain the creator and so I allow myself to wake up because this world/reality is nothing but a preposterous place that we call Life because of the mere starting-point of thinking/believing that we will always remain just another CharACTer and so we allow ourselves to give up on ourselves and tell ourselves that I'm too busy living my LI (f) E - Are we really?

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