Jessica's Journey to Nothingness: Morality

Showing posts with label Morality. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Day 57: Searching For Myself, Back Later. Leave a Msg

This is a continuation to Day 56: The Me I Never Knew Existed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try/attain/attempt to search for a ME that felt real/honest/authentic within and as myself because I have always molded/shaped myself over a thorough period of time to self-create this idea/belief/perception/assumption that this ME can be/only ever be found outside myself, within this I'm self-creating more separation by/through self-creating this idea/belief/perception/assumption to the point that I waste/wait/postpone my life/process because of a mere idea/belief/perception/assumption that this ME will finally make me finally experience myself as real/authentic/honest, within this I didn't realize for myself that I was actually searching/finding/reaching outward for a ME that was only another personality/character to not understand/realize/investigate how/why I've allowed myself to not see the key point of polarity that is actually happening here, I am wasting/waiting/postponing my life/process/myself to experience myself as real/authentic/honest to not realize that I am in actuality hiding from/suppressing the point that I am not willing to see how I am in actuality experiencing myself as fake/misleading/dishonest to the point that I will self-create these ME's to make the self-interest more bearable for my morality, therefore - I now see, realize and understand that I am merely playing a polarity game that inevitably leads to fuck up because continuously trying/attaining/attempting to experience myself as real/authentic/honest was only another character/personality to not will myself to understand/realize/investigate how/why I am continuously looking for ME's to not see the ME that has been here/always been here, I've allowed myself to reach for/find/search for a ME that was a separate personality/character outside myself to not simply see within and as self-honesty who I am/have become throughout my life to slowly but surely get to the nitty gritty of how/why I've separated/divided myself so much from life/myself to the extent that I would purposely/deliberately self-create ME's that were in actuality ME's existed outside myself to not will myself to look within and as the real ME that has been here/always been here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe and perceive that myself molding/shaping characters that I am presenting in the moment will make my self-interested cycle more bearable for my precious morality, within this I am not understanding/realizing/investigating how/why I am allowing myself to compromise/sabotage my life/process to the extent that I will self-create this idea/belief/perception/assumption that being/becoming full of morality by/through continuously looking/searching/reaching out for a ME will make everything peachy to not realize that I am in actuality not in anyway moral within and as myself at the moment because the mere point/fact of reaching out/searching/finding a personality/character to deliberately/purposely is a mere confirmation of how we as human beings haven't allowed ourselves to understand/realize/investigate that we will do everything in our delusional power to save our asses to literally remain having out heads up our ass (mind you) to continuously not simply realize in common-sense that we have to take self-responsibility for ourselves/each-other/life to actually be/become moral beings that stand up for life, no matter what, I mean, this is what our current life is consisted of: Searching/finding/reach out for a ME that will make ourselves feel better about what we currently are/have become/have always been, Searching/finding/reaching out for another person that will make you feel better about the ME (character/personality) you generally choose to be to make you feel better about yourself to continuously feel validated/recognized/accepted in some bizarre fucked up way, Searching, finding, reaching out for some shit to consume over and over again to not simply see within and as ourselves, no self-judgment or self-diminishment needed, I now see, realize and understand that my entire life/process has been spent to purposely/deliberately not see within and as myself, wherein in actuality me entire life I was searching/finding/reaching out for a ME that would ease my self-interest, which is quite strange how I've allowed myself to go out of my way to not see myself to see something that I wanted/desired to be me to not actually see within and as myself from the get go, therefore, I allow myself to be/become humble completely/absolutely/specifically because continuously trying/attaining/attempting to ease my self-interest is pointless/meaningless because this process is not about ME, but everyone and the ME that is here/has always been here; yet, the ME I have decided/chosen to be throughout my life/process is one and equal to/towards myself because I allow myself to be/become brutal and/or gentle at the same time, Gentle Brutality, to not allow myself to continuously search/look/reach out for a ME that never actually existed in the first place/can never exist in the place because it only existed within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to knowingly/purposely/deliberately participated/experienced myself as fake/misleading/dishonest to not will myself to see within and as self-honest how/why I've allowed myself to be/become fake/misleading/dishonest to the extent that I would trying/attain/attempt to find/search/reach out for a ME that never existed/can never be able to exist in the first place, because I would have to look at the ME that has been here/has always been here and I know within and as myself that the ME that has/is here/has always been here is not a pretty picture in anyway, and so I've allowed myself to move around from one energy point to another to deliberately/purposely self-create this idea/belief/perception/assumption that I am actually moving myself within and as my world/reality, wherein I was only doing everything in my delusional power to not see the ME that has been here/always been here, because the ME that is here/has always been here is not an separate entity from myself, therefore, I am always in every moment of every breath here to see within and as myself, and so this is another confirmation that we always know what the heck what were doing, only wanting to see within and as ourselves in our daily-lives is a whole another story to dis-cover within and as myself, I now see, realize and understand that the me that I've been trying/attaining/attempting to find was never actually ME, therefore, I was actually from the get go wasting/waiting/postponing time, because how can I not see what is always revealed/shown in every moment of every breath?! Lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self-create this idea/belief/assumption/perception that the ME I've been searching/finding/reach out for was in actuality ME, as in something that could be real/authentic/honest, wherein I was only in the end trying/attaining/attempting to lose myself more and more, from the perspective of veiling myself within and as the characters/personalities that I would deliberately/purposely/knowingly find/search/reach out for, making sure that I won't see within and as myself in a moment/breath/chance/opportunity that is always here/has always been here, therefore, when/as I am trying/attaining/attempting to find/search/reach out for a ME that makes the process of dishonesty/self-interest mote bearable I was in actuality molding/shaping myself more and more further away from this physical reality to make sure I will never be able to see within and as myself, I was in actuality screwing within and as myself because I in actuality didn't give a damn about being/becoming a moral being, from there perspective of actually living realness/authenticity/honesty in practical- physical application to create solutions that will in the end allow me to make sure that I "find" myself, sort of speak, from the perspective of not allowing myself to lose myself knowingly/purposely/deliberately so I don't have to find myself within and as realizing/understanding/investigate how/why I've allowed myself to do everything in my power to not simply be/become a moral being, from the perspective of actually giving a fuck about life, and even then I am still a loooooooooongggg way to go ( and much longer), therefore, I now see, realize and understand that if/when I continuously see myself looking/searching/reaching out for a ME, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that I was never actually searching/finding/reaching out for ME, because I am here/have always been here, and so I was only trying/attaining/attempting to search/find/reach out for another personality/character to call ME to never see within and as the ME that encompasses all the ME's in Oneness & Equality.

To Be Continued...

Monday, August 20, 2012

Day 30: BULLSHIT IS BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH!

This is a continuation to

Day 29: Part 1 - The PATHoLOGICAL Liar

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and participate in honesty to avoid/not face the fact that I'm purposely/deliberately not being honest but I'm avoiding consequence/punishment because of thinking/believing that someone/something will come and get me if I'm not a good little CharACTer – within this I use/abuse honesty for my own self-interest because it was never about assisting/supporting myself to be self-honest to actually trust myself to not lie to myself but the perfect ploy to remain a good little CharACTer that does no wrong because I fear actually facing what would happen if I wasn't bullshitting everyone and ultimately myself, and so I allowed myself to not assist/support myself because I deliberately/purposely allowed myself to allow an emotional reaction of FEAR to over-power me because I knew within myself that I could just bullshit myself and those around me and it would be acceptable to ensure that I remain a Slave/CharACTer that doesn't stand up in anyway because I was too busy worrying about my own self-interest to investigate that self-honesty doesn't mean my world/reality going to shreds because I'm spewing tons of shit but knowing when I'm suppressing/hiding behind expressing/sharing myself in the moment. I now see, realize and understand that I'm deliberately/purposely allowing myself to participate and experience FEAR to not face the fact that I'm suppressing/hiding the fact that I'm here, and so I have the power to be/become the self-directive principle to direct the FEAR within and as me as a flag-point to investigate why/how I'm bullshitting myself and those around me because its apparently easier for myself to never change – I do not accept or allow myself to continue purposely/deliberately being honest from the starting-point of avoiding consequence/punishment – When and as I see myself being honest from the starting-point of trying/attempting/attaining to have morality to avoid punishment, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here – I now see, realize and understand that wanting/desiring to have morality at this point is pretty stupid because all what I've been doing is suppressing/hiding what is actually here and no morality can hide the fact that all what I've been doing throughout my life is doing what is always easier for myself in the system – therefore – I allow myself to take a step back and breathe when/as I see myself trying/attaining/attempting to be/become someone that is apparently moral when all what I have done is avoid/not face the morality at Life in this moment, and so morality doesn't exist in any shape/form because we lose our chances/opportunity/breaths to be/become a self-honest being just because its not easier.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when/as I'm in the moment spilling my guts out it was from the starting-point of the FEAR that I was participating and experiencing myself as because I feared what would happen if I wasn't honest in the moment – within this its as though I place/project everyone outward in the moment when/as I'm being dishonest as though everyone can tell when I'm lying or when I'm telling the truth and if the person doesn't say anything I think/believe that they already know I'm lying and I'm being tested somehow, and so I would use this throughout my physical reality as a defense mechanism to actually be self-honest -therefore – this apparent lie detector device I created within and as my mind would be my survival guide to seeing when to be honest or when to be self-honest because I was always about my own self-interest to survive in this world/reality because I never allowed myself to realize that we must dress ourselves with CharACTers on purpose to make it in this system because rather we like it or not money rules us all, and so that doesn't mean I have to react in fear because I was merely assisting/supporting myself to be/become financially-stable from that starting-point – I now see, realize and understand that there are certain moments wherein one must dress up certain CharACTers to survive in this world-system but that doesn't mean that self is being dishonest, and so there is no excuse to not be self-honest within and as this world-system because as long as self isn't compromising oneself in the moment in an abusive manner then there really is no excuse to not face anyone at this point because its apparently not easier – I do not accept or allow myself to continuously use/abuse my mind as some lie detector to survive in this world/reality because of my own fear to be self-honest and so if the starting-point is to assist/support financially to be/become a part of the system then the lie detector would be valid to not allow any abusive bullshitt – When and as I see myself assuming/perceiving that someone can tell or not tell when I'm lying, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here – I now see, realize and understand that at the end of the day I'm not some fucking mind-reader and so I allow myself to be/become a part of this world-system from a self-honest starting-point to understand that compromise comes the moment that I'm not here as breath as self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a good little CharACTer by/through trying/attaining/attempting to be/become honest wherein I'm actually manipulating myself in the process because I was merely only being honest to tell the apparent truth – therefore – I never considered/take into consideration that if I'm trying to tell the truth from the starting-point of FEAR because it suits the situation and myself to make myself look better I'm only being self-dishonest, and so there is no actual truth from the get go because I never in the end gave a fuck about telling the truth but it was just another form for myself to make myself look better- within this I would do everything in my delusional power to maintain the idea/belief that everything is fine and dandy because I'm apparently being and becoming a better person for always telling the truth from the starting-point that its conveinent for myself to be honest because apparently one has to have certain instances wherein honesty is needed and others I can just lie my ass off because I have never understood what self-honesty in practical-application means and so honesty was just another manipulation point to make myself look like some benevolment chick that was always doing the right thing – I now see, realize and understand that I was merely fucking with myself to maintain the delusional idea/belief hat honesty can only be applied when it makes me look better and when/as everything wasn't going peachy within and as my mind I would be severely pissed off to the point that I would just lie my ass off because I never understood that self-honesty is the key to actually not being and becoming some pathological liar that was only manipulating others and ultimately myself because I would do everything to maintain my self-image that I'm fucking perfect and I'm always doing the right thing – I do not accept or allow myself to continue fucking with myself that I'm some benevolent honest chick, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here – I now see, realize and understand that there is nothing to prove and nothing to be/become because I am here, and so manipulating myself is unacceptable because I was merely trying/attaining/attempting to reach some self-image of honesty that only supported my own self-interest to remain nothing more and nothing less then just another Slave/CharACTer – Fascinating how telling the truth was never about telling the truth but lying my ass off to maintain the idea/belief that I'm just so freaking great!!!!!