Day 67: Don't Rock The Boat

 

This is a continuation to Day 66: When the Door of Opportunity Opens

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am in fact assisting/supporting myself by/through not living a moment/breath/chance/opportunity to my fullest potential, because I have abused/compromised/sabotaged every moment of every breath that is HERE to never in fact HERE what must be heard for there to be any practical-change to this world/reality - thus, I have dis-Regarded myself over and over again in complete repetition, because in all the opportunities that I haven't taken were in fact always my choice/decision to remain an abuser that abused myself/life, in all ways possible - therefore, I now see, realize and understand that I can only ever possibly be not responsible for this world and reality if I am actually suffering in this world/reality, and it's quite funny how I am even placing an example, because I want/desire some sort of back door for myself as a justification/excuse to not move myself here within and as this physical reality, wherein this is absolutely fucked up because I am using/abusing those in my name as Life as myself who are in complete abusive situations to create this idea/belief/perception/assumption that there is some justification/excuse to not move myself - within this I am not in anyway considering/taking into consideration/account what abuse is in essence - because, I have lived my entire Lie in complete HEARNESS to never in fact HERE what must be heard to live about the practical change to no longer live my life clouding my eyes and ears for what will make me feel sugary and good to always remain just another liar that is deafened in every moment, of every breath - therefore, I do NOT accept or allow myself to limit/enslave myself in complete repetition because of making excuses/justifications that I don't even understand in actuality - because, everything action that I take here in this life, is another action to be measured if I am in actuality taking into consideration/account by/through actually walking the talk, and not making excuses/justifications that sound nice within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my Lie in complete petrification of my own FEAR that I self-created over a period of time to remain my safety-net of protection to remain a slave/character to HERE what I want/desire to HERE - not seeing/realizing/understanding that when/as I am in the moment that is here/has always been here, I am in fact always placing/projecting myself into an illusional reality, wherein I can never realize myself in anyway - thus, it's quite fascinating to see how much time I waste/postpone because I am existing in an alternate reality for myself to constantly imagine all these words to be/become a mere safety weapon, wherein I hold these words that I have valued and given certain energetic charges that I assume/perceive will make my immediate environment happy with myself, and at the same time hold my ground to remain an illusional character - thus, it's important/crucial for me to investigate/understand/realize how fast my mind can seem to operate in a moment/breath/chance/opportunity that is here/has always been here - because, I am too busy existing in my mind to in actuality see/realize/understand how slow the mind actually is operating in a moment/breath/chance/opportunity that is here/has always been here if I am in fact here as breath as self-expression, wherein if I am existing in the polar opposite that I self-created within and as my mind, then everything becomes very confusing/overwhelming, because I am not in fact here in the first place, but too busy existing in some alternative reality that only ever involved my own creation to remain doing everything in my delusional reality to ever realize who I am/have become to re-create myself to actually create something worthwhile, and that didn't involve the mantra that was always ME.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when/as I am existing in an alternate reality, I am not in anyway existing, but remaining to live here as an idea/belief/perception/assumption that I should apparently be and become to survive in my physical reality, and also within and as myself that involved never realizing who I am - thus, it's quite fascinating how survival has only and always equated to never realizing who I am, because I was trying/attaining/attempting to be and become an idea/belief/perception/assumption that meant not rocking the boat, not making people feel comfortable about realizing who I am, and so my entire Lie has been about what I assumed/perceived other people thought about me as change - not seeing/realizing/understanding that at the end of the day, it's ME that I must live within and as a day to day basis, NOT anyone's apparent beliefs/perceptions/assumptions/ideas about me as change - because, it's NOT about ME, but Equality as a Group changing here within and as this physical reality to RE-Gard this physical reality, to in fact Re-Guard this physical reality and be and become the Guardians that we can actually live to be and become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life by/through the mantra - ME, ME, ME - because, all what my Lie has been about is what will ME do to not in fact do what is needed/required to do to bring about a change to this world/reality - thus, I have lived my Lie - not seeing/realizing/understanding how/why I've only ever considered/taken into consideration/account the ME that I assumed/perceived was (apparently) ME, wherein I have been/always been a character/personality/persona to live the ME out in repetition to do everything in my delusional power to remain Re-Guarding my self-interest, at all costs, thus - I now see, realize and understand that I have lived my Lie long enough, because the time is here in this very moment to not live by/through the mantra continuously living out some idea/belief/assumption/perception I am (apparently) suppose to live out, because at the end of the day it was never about fearing rocking someone else's boat to who I am - because, I was the ME that given permission to define and give value to who I am within and as something outside of myself, to deliberately/purposely remain a self-interested ME that only existed outside myself - thus, there is no ME that is able to exist because I am not existing, who I am as Life is not existing in anyway, whatsoever - therefore, I allow myself to value myself, once and for all, to take my power back to myself to actually live here as self-expression as who I am, and not some ME that only existed in some alternate reality - constantly trying/attaining/attempting to survive/compete in this world/reality, desperately holding some ME that never considered/taken into consideration/account the WE of this world/reality to in fact live here as each breath to it's fullest potential.

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Day 16: I'm Already Dead

 This is a continuation to Day 13 and Day 14:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and participate in the I give up character to such an extent that my physical body would react because I didn't stop the thought in the moment in my conscious mind and so I compounded/suppressed/hid from the point further because I didn't stop and create a solution for myself in practical-living - within this I allowed myself to wait/postpone to transcend the point until my physical body actually starts showing/revealing what it is I'm doing to myself to connect the dots to what I've been allowing within myself - not seeing, realizing and understanding that if I continue waiting/postponing to face points that I created to the point that my physical body starts experiencing pain then I know that I'm using and abusing my physical body as a religion of self because I didn't allow myself to just stop, breathe and bring myself back here and so I allowed myself to suppress/hide/compound the point in the moment because I justify/excuse myself to not take self-responsibility in the moment because I can always write out the point later or wait/postpone my process in general until the point comes up again for myself to transcend - therefore - I now see, realize and understand that I'm deliberately/purposely not transcending points in the moment even when I'm aware of the thoughts in my conscious mind I allow myself to compound/hide/suppress the point to not in-fact stand up but use/abuse the pains from my physical body as the perfect excuse/justification to not stop, breathe and bring myself back here to understand that I'm perfectly capable of stopping the thought in the moment and I certainly don't require/need to put my physical body in pain because of my own ignorance to not stand up in the moment purposely/deliberately to forever more participate in the I give up CharACTer - I do not accept or allow myself to remain a character that is always craving/wanting/desiring another CharACTer to validate/justify him/her's existence to never in-fact stand up in the moment to stop the enslavement of myself to finally in-fact understand that I have the power to stop myself in every moment of every breath - therefore - I decide who I am and who I could be in every moment of every breath to in-fact stop the bondage of my mind and to realize that how I experience myself as a slave to my mind is what I actually allowed myself to become one and equal to/towards and this is not acceptable in anyway, whatsoever - I have to stop this madness of myself to think/believe that I will always and will forever be a slave to the CharACTers in my mind - to always think/believe I will remain a CharACTer and so I allow myself to stop in this moment to see, realize and understand that I'm finally going to put myself out of work to never in-fact always search/find outside myself the perfect scenarios to how I should perform within the various CharACTers that I suit up in the moment to finally embrace myself to understand that I have a choice in every moment of every breath to in-fact stop and decide in every moment of every breath that I can stop - I can become Life.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that in every moment of every breath I decide who I want to be or who I could possibly, instead - I allowed myself to participate and experience myself as nothing more and nothing less then the I give up character because I allowed myself to think/believe that I don't have the power to stand up in a moment to understand that in every moment I am here and so in every moment I have the choice to face myself - to in-fact understand that I decide who I want to be or who I could be and me not seeing, realizing and understanding this point is a mere confirmation of how I split myself in two to be and become a CharACTer to always wait/waste/postpone my life/process to some religion of self but this time it involved pain from my physical body because I didn't allow myself to stop the thought-dimension of the I give up character in the moment and so I allow my entire life/process become the I give up character because I had taken one breath to decide that I didn't want/desire to stop a thought in the moment - therefore - I didn't see, realize and understand that even in the moment that I allowed myself to not stop the thought in one breath was in-fact a decision/choice that I made and so myself assuming//perceiving/justifying/excusing myself from the point that I can't stop myself in the moment because I have no decision/choice is pure contradiction to not understand that in every moment I have the choice to stop and to face myself to finally in-fact allow the madness to stop - I now see, realize and understand that I allow myself to be and become the I give up CharACT to such an extent that I allowed myself to think/believe that I don't have the decision/choice to stop thoughts in the moment and so I've allowed the I give up character become a part of myself the point that I thought/believed that I'm entirely a slave to my mind and its impossible for me to only face a point until my physical body starts experiencing pain in the moment - I do not accept or allow myself to think/believe that I don't have a choice/decision to stop participating in the mind in a moment but even within this if I give myself the choice/decision to stop participating in my mind then that will allow a backdoor for myself to not stop and face the point in the moment because I think/believe that there is always a choice/decision to wait/waste/postpone process to never in-fact take the ultimate decision/choice in one moment to never allow myself to be and become another CharACTer that never gives a fuck about anything but searching/finding something outside self to allow other CharACters to validate/justify that I'm the best CharACTer in the world and so I don't have to make the decision in the moment because I can remain just another CharACTer waiting for another scene to play in.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I allow myself to think/believe there is a choice/decision to stop participating in my mind in the moment then that allows me to create a scapegoat/backdoor for myself because I allowed myself to think/believe that I have the choice/decision in the moment to decide who I want to be or could be in the moment by/through stop participating in the mind, instead - I didn't take into consideration that if I allow myself to assume/perceive that I have the choice/decision to not stop in the moment then that means I can waste/wait/postpone for another moment of breath that will allow me to make the decision/choice to stop in the moment - not seeing, realizing and understanding that there is no other moment of breath that will magically allow me to understand that I have the choice/decision to stop in one moment to really commit myself to Life and so every moment of every breath is here for myself to understand that breath is not some future mind-projection that will allow me to not give up on myself because I already been giving up on myself for quite some time because I even allowed myself to think/believe that every breath is somewhere else and that every breath will allow me to magically understand that I can make the one decision/choice to stop in one moment - therefore - there is no choice but to continue walking this process to see, realize and understand that al it takes if for myself to will myself to understand I don't have to live my Life as some CharACTer that will do everything seemingly possible to go into the lime light to want/crave/desire other CharACTers to validate/justify/excuse myself to forever remain just another CharACTer that will die and knowing that I could've stopped myself to actually make a change to not remain a slave to the I give up character because I decide who I am or could possibly be in every moment of every breath - therefore - I now see, realize and understand that if I continue thinking/believing there is this one breath that will make me realize how I'm limiting myself then I know that I even separated myself from breathing because I assumed/perceived that one breath will allow me to realize myself - obviously breath doesn't allow me to realize myself but I allow myself to realize myself as the breath in every moment of breath - A Process of Accumulation - I do not accept or allow myself to continue living my life as a choice/decision because there is no other choice/decision but to walk here in every moment of breath to actually decide that I have a decision and the only decision to walk this process of walking myself out of my mind and into the physical because I can not allow myself to continue living my life as though something magical will happen because I know within myself that  there is absolutely nothing magical when it involves just another CharACTer that will do anything to remain the creator and so I allow myself to wake up because this world/reality is nothing but a preposterous place that we call Life because of the mere starting-point of thinking/believing that we will always remain just another CharACTer and so we allow ourselves to give up on ourselves and tell ourselves that I'm too busy living my LI (f) E - Are we really?

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