Day 79: Digging My Own Grave

This is a continuation to Day 78: I Need Stability In My Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually be relieved/relaxed and at ease when/as I am having trouble making a choice/decision to live that what will bring about a change that is best for all and within this would create a belief/idea about how much I am not capable to actually be the one that makes the choice/decision to how I will live my life - that I just starting ask other people's perspectives about how much more capable they are then myself, not investigating how/why I have allowed myself to completely take away my chance/opportunity to actually make a choice/decision that which I actually make to finally trust what I choose to live here in this life, and thus take into consideration how much responsibility I am willing to live here in this one life to bring about a change that will benefit everyone here - to understand that I am creating the idea/belief that I am not capable/less than/inferior to those that I am asking perspective from, based on the fact that I am scared out of my mind to live a choice/decision that will not only affect myself - but everyone here within/as this world/reality, because how I choose to live my life not only affects myself - thus creating a chain reaction to bring about a change here in this one life that will affect the generations to come. I now see, realize and understand that it is I that must see into/as the eyes of life to how I am going to spend this one life, to actually realize that psyching myself out is a cool indication that I realize that there is much to do in this life - and thus I simply stop limiting myself based on fear to not become part of the equation - but in fact look at the mathematical equation that is what is best for all life - to understand that making a choice/decision based on those outside myself is craaaaaaaaazy because the only choice/decision that is here is the principle of Oneness & Equality - sooooooooo I have no choice but to live that which is here. When and as I see myself wanting/desiring someone to tell me how to spend this one life based on my fear on my life actually affecting others - I stop and I breathe - I do not accept or allow myself to continue judging/defining how my life actually affects everyone here in this one life - but instead I commit myself to really understanding that even if I am doing shit with my life, I am in essence making a choice/decision that is already affecting those here within/as this world/reality, sooooooo I might as well walk my talk - lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay more attention to how my life affects others when/as I am actually deciding to live something that which will bring a change that is best for all - believing that I must pay more attention to how I am living my life because I will no longer be able to live out my life of self-interest without question anymore - and within this would thus only ever take into consideration how I choose to live my life when/as I must actually give up everything to bring about a change that is best for all - because it's quite ironic that when I am living my life on a daily-basis constantly denying that which is existing here, then I choose to deny how my life that never made any difference to myself was another chance/opportunity for those here in this one life to even have the choice/decision to not live a life that will bring a change that is best for all. I commit myself to, when and as I see that I am choosing to only pay attention to how my life affects others when I am making the decision to no longer live within/as self-interest - to stop and breathe - realize that I am accessing judgments/definitions/beliefs/ideas within my mind based on living herein this one life and instead educate myself on how I have deviated my self-responsibility so easily to remain living my life based on some veil that I see into/as my eyes to never uncover the I's that I have created over time to remain living my life, only seeing what I want to see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when/as I had to make a HUGE choice/decision, connect and link my mind-projections of what I am capable of walking based on the polarities between SMALL and HUGE - thinking and believing that when I must walk something that I am interpreting as quite extensive assume that I will fall on my ass and when I would be facing something small assume that I have everything in the bag. Within this I would then be accessing memories I have had of my projections of what assignments/tasks I am able to take on - and then I would immediately assume that the quantity somehow gives value to what I am able to walk based through connecting the image of making a choice/decision to allow myself to experience myself a certain way in order to be apparently ready to dedicate myself to something, no matter what. I now see, realize and understand that I am preventing myself from being dedicated to a choice/decision that I make to live - linking it to past memories/experiences that I have had. I commit myself to, when and as I see myself forming any idea/belief/perception about what I am able to walk based on quantity that I have given certain energetic charges to remain here, breathing - not allowing myself to go into forming any idea/belief/perception about what I am apparently able to walk here in this one life - but to instead really stop to investigate what it means to in fact walk a decision; absolutely and specifically, to finally get to know myself for real, no longer living my life based on what I am interpreting as extensive or small to affect the dedication to stand by/through a dedication from beginning to end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create limitations/variations to what I am able to walk here in this one life and within this would create a belief/idea about living - that I thus ask other's perspectives on how I should choose to live my life, not investigating how/why I have allowed myself to completely take away my power to actually make my own decisions to live self-trust based on how much I feared affecting other's lives, and thus I would completely deny how much I am affecting people's lives to not bring about an affect that which will bring dignity and respect for those that I choose to ignore on a daily-basis - to understand that I am creating a personality based on the connection and link of my mind to how I am apparently suppose to live. I now see, realize and understand that I am preventing myself to walk a life of no regrets, because I am too busy living in fear on how my decisions affect others - thus all my life I have been complying to those in my immediate reality, and so all I have ever known is life of how others want me to live - instead I allow myself to learn to understand that those in my outer-reality cannot help me to make a decision that I will have to live with, I allow myself to take a step back to realize the opportunity I have right now to bring about a change that will allow the further generations to live a life of dignity and respect. When and as I see myself creating limitations/variations to what I am able to walk here in this one life - I stop and I breathe - I do not accept or allow myself to continue second-guessing myself - but instead I commit myself to really start investigating how I want to spend this life, no longer being inflicted to live a lie that will bring about the same cycle of abuse as the generations before me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can continue living someone's idea/belief/perception about what life suppose to be - believing that I can continue denying the others here in this world/reality being completely disregarded - and within this would thus only take into consideration what I am actually with my life when/as my entire world/reality falls upon itself, only choosing to change that which would bring about the benefit to live what is easier. I commit myself to, when and as I see that I am choosing to continue living someone's idea/belief/perception about how I am suppose to live this one life - to stop and breathe - realize that I am not only disregarding the right to live my own life - but everyone else that doesn't have the opportunity to even have the right to live a lie in complete separation/detachment to what is being created/has already been created - instead I allow myself to not live according to judgments on how I am suppose to live - since I can that I am creating limitations/variations to what I am capable of walking - as well as finally living to my utmost potential, to actually realize that in fact means to live in every moment, here in this one life.

To Be Continued...

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Day 78: I Need Stability In My Life

This is a continuation to Day 77: Dirty Little Family Secrets
The most crucial/important part/aspect I am realizing within/as the family point is that I've allowed myself to completely give into/as my mind when/as I am facing my family - because it's as though I have created two personalities in relation to my family - meaning that I will mold/shape my expression to those in my family immediately creating a separation point between 'me' and 'them,' that I don't see those in my family as actual people who have had been preprogrammed to have certain belief-systems to live throughout their lives - within this I will create a personality based on being stable/unstable when/as I am facing them in the moment, only my entire basis on what stability in fact means to live has been convoluted based on a polarity system that I am living in their presence - because when I am experiencing myself as being stable, here, and breathing - I immediately observe those in my outer-reality within/as the starting-point of judgment - now when I am experiencing myself as being stable, I get quite silent and the people around me notice that I am behaving rather weird/strange - because I have assumed/perceived that stability in fact represents to avoid/suppress hide communication at all costs - so I have especially/specifically in relation to my family have treated them as a division lining between 'me' and 'them,' that I don't actually investigate why/how those in my immediate outer-reality have behaved the way they have - and so my defense mechanism in other words would be to avoid/suppress hide communication at all costs because I experience myself as easily falling - from the perspective that I simply forget to actually breathe, being stable, that I immediately mold/shape my expression - because I experience myself as having to be on guard for the apparent attack that I already mind-project is going to happen before it actually does - and so I am of course going to face a consequential outflow because of already assuming/perceiving that something is going to happen - so I've noticed that I also hold my breath as though I am waiting for the inevitable of the abuse coming from my parents - and thus my body becomes quite stiff in complete defense mode - so I will wait until my family has left the immediate environment to actually focus on my breathing - thus, it's quite clear that I am already sabotaging myself to walk the family point, before I have even walked the point - because I immediately connect and link my mind-projections of how much I am going to be attacked/abused in some shape/form.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create two personalities when/as I am in the presence of my family and within this would this create a belief/idea about how much I have to be stable, here, and breathing - that I move from one energy point to experiencing myself as being stable to being in defense-mode, not investigating how/why I have allowed myself to completely take away my power based on how I will immediately mold/shape my expression to those in my family, and thus I would be too busy over-analyzing the person/situation that is connected/linked to my family to even actually take a deep breath - to understand that I am creating a personality based on the connection and link of my mind-projections to how I am apparently suppose to behave. I now see, realize and understand that I am preventing myself from actually getting to know how I can walk stability, here, and actually no longer move from one personality to another that was only a polarity game to try/attain/attempt to figure out everything - instead I allow myself to learn to understand that being in the presence of those in my immediate reality, is actually an awesome chance/opportunity to live here. When and as I see myself moving from one personality to another based on those in my immediate reality - I stop and I breathe - I do not accept or allow myself to continue judging/defining who I am suppose to be in the presence of my family - but instead I commit myself to really getting to know myself within/as stability, no longer being dominated on all these projections to how I am suppose to be like in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through the presence of being around my family, connect and link my mind-projections of how I am apparently suppose to behave - thinking and believing that when I am in the company of my family that I must behave in what I've believed to be stable - Within this I would then be creating stability as an personality to mold/shape my expression - and then I would immediately assume that I am actually living stability, only it was never stability that I was living - but just another experience to continue molding/shaping my expression to remain a characterization that was only my mind trying/attaining/attempting to over-analyze what it means to experience stability, only it was never about experiencing stability - but living stability here in each moment within/as self-awareness. I now see, realize and understand that I am preventing myself from getting to myself within/as stability when I allow myself to go far away off into/as my mind and over-analyzing how I am apparently suppose to behave - linking it to past/memories/experiences that I have had. I commit myself to - when and as I see myself making mind-correlations based on how I am apparently suppose to mold/shape my expression to live out an experience based on polarity - to actually learn to live stability, remain here, breathing - not allowing myself to go into/as my mind - but to instead really start investigating that if I can spend so much effort/dedication on how I am suppose to experience stability, that I can in fact live stability, no longer dominated by/through how I am apparently suppose to behave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only face my family based on a separation point between 'me' and 'them,' that which I have carried a belief/idea that I am facing myself versus my family - and within this would only see my family has something to overcome/obstacle - dependent on how I have wanted/desired myself to be behave within/as stability - dependent on moving from one personality to another that which I would never see my family as individuals who have been preprogramed to have certain belief-systems to live throughout their lives. I now see, realize and understand that I can never be able to face my family within/as complete trust and intimacy, if I am not even seeing my family as people - meaning I am not seeing them as equals when I am too busy in my mind creating all these assumptions about how I am suppose to overcome them and instead I furthermore commit myself to really also getting to know my family as people based on the principle of Oneness & Equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my family are an obstacle/transcendence point and something to overcome based on what I am creating within/as my mind about how I am not seeing my family as human beings that are one/equal to myself - not seeing/realizing/understanding that my family are people who didn't just magically wake up one day to attack/abuse myself, because it's quite obvious that it was the separation point, as I am seeing now to treat other people as an separation point is all sabotage for myself - where I take a part how/why I am separating myself those that is reflecting back to myself and within that would thus sabotage myself into thinking/believing that my family are reflecting back to myself from the starting-point of being an obstacle/transcendence point and something to overcome, and so I am only giving them a value to live based on my grounds to live out a character that was never actually stable in the first place or could ever be. I now see, realize and understand that my family are human beings that are worth much more then to simply being an idea/belief - but an awesome opportunity for myself to see how I can really get to know myself based on living the principle of Oneness & Equality when/as I am presence of those that I am communicating with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that people within/as my world/reality only are an obstacle/transcendence point and something to overcome because of how I wanted/desired myself to experience myself as being stable based on past experiences/memories I have had that if I am not constantly facing an experience then I am fucked - and because of this would thus think and believe that if I did actually stop not living the experience that is the stability character then that must mean that I have done something wrong/negative/bad - and within this would thus create energetic charges based on craving the experience I have linked to be stability to remain living out a character/personality - not seeing/realizing or understanding that it is myself that is in fact living here within/as self-awareness that doesn't need/require someone/something to prove that stability is here and real. I now see, realize and understand that dependent on the experience based the people within/as my world/reality I would immediately have desire about chasing after an experience that this would be my entire basis of trust to walk this process - instead of actually trusting myself live stability - when all the while that which I was changing myself to live out energy. I commit myself to, when I am living out an experience and calling it stability, to always make sure that I remain here, stable, breathing, expressing me as who I am - not taking on abusing others to make me experience myself as being stable - thus I instead within moments in where I see that I am craving for the experience of stability - to stop and breathe - bring myself back to here and express myself as who I actually am and within that I furthermore commit myself to get to know people and myself as no longer living by/through an experience - not form an idea/belief/perception about stability according to believe that change is finally here.

To Be Continued...

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Day 77: Dirty Little Family Secrets

Okay, so - I am starting to realize how I am completely convolting the family point that I am currently walking as an excuse/justification to not walk everything that I must walk - because looking at my previous blog, I was in essence not assisting/supporting myself - but, continuously experiencing myself as a victim to the family point that is a on-going process to walk - I mean, there has to be some origin to why/how my family have reacted to myself so extensively (apparently) to why the family point has become such a battle for myself to walk - only I never had understood that in order for there to be a reason for why/how my family had become so reactive is quite a confirmation how I have purposely/deliberately ignored/suppressed that my family had absolutely no reason to how they have been behaving - but, how they simply were taught a certain way to live - as I was taught to live their pre-programmed characters in this Life, I have also realized that how much I had conformed to their mentality on how I am suppose to live here in this Life has been quite a contribution to why my family have reacted so extensively - from the perspective that the more I didn't resist what they wanted me to do in this life, the more it would be expected for me to simply live the way they wanted me to live - in other words remain a copy of them, and so the more that one would resist in their life to have quite rebel mentality to not conform to how my family wanted me to be in this life, it would of most likely been more acceptable that I am walking this process - therefore - Process has become quite a shock to those in my world/reality, because I have out of nowhere made the choice/decision to not remain just another copy of them - although I allow myself to simply walk what must be walked, because there is no sorrow/despair that makes up for myself to continously remain a victim - A Victim to Myself - A Victim to Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my entire basis on walking this process based on how I am reacting to my world/reality and within this would thus create a belief/idea about how much my family is abusing myself, not investigating how/why I have allowed myself to completely take away my power based on what my outer-reality is showing/revealing to myself, that which I must correct, and thus I would be too busy remaining a victim to the person/situation I am facing. I now see, realize and understand that I am preventing myself from actually getting to know what I can/must be capable of walking here in this life, really getting to know how I can walk this process based how I can take a part my reactions in relation to my world/reality to correct my physical walking here in this process of self-purification, because I allow myself to utilize that which I react to, to in fact walk myself out of my mind. When and as I see myself forming an idea based on my immediate world/reality, and thus react accordingly - I stop and I breathe - I do not accept or allow myself to continue judging/defining who I am/could be to a picture I see of those within/as my immediate world/reality - but instead I commit myself to really getting to know myself all over again, as my real self - and not create an false idea about what I am not capable of based on what I am projecting outside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, throughout my life, connect and link my mind-projections of what I am cable of walking based on what my family is throwing at myself - thinking and believing that when my family is reacting that I have done something bad/wrong/negative and when my family isn't reacting that I have done something good/right/positive. Within this I would then be accessing memories I have of my projections of what stability apparently means - and then I would immediately assume that when/as my world/reality is behaving certain way that I must've been the one that was completely part of the problem through connecting the image I see of stability that is being showed/revealed within/as my immediate world/reality as some sort of sign that I am apparently done something a certain way. I now see, realize and understand that I am preventing myself from getting to know myself when I allow myself to create a mind-projection about what it in fact means to be stable - linking it to past memories/experiences that I have had. I commit myself to, when and as I see myself making mind correlations based on stability, remain here, breathing - not allowing myself to go into forming any idea/belief/perception about stability because of an image I have created within and as my mind - but to instead really stop to investigate what it means to in fact live stability, to finally get to know myself for real, no longer dominated by/through what my outer-reality is throwing back at myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my family can in fact inflict reactions based on what I am creating within/as my mind about how my world/reality is a reflection of how I have done something bad/wrong/negative or good/right/positive - not seeing/realizing or understanding that this is all sabotage for myself - in where I take apart what my world/reality is reflecting back to myself and within that would thus sabotage myself into thinking and believing that I must give myself certain value and/or definitions when/as my world/reality presents something that I project as a certain energetic charge. I now see, realize and understand that how my family reacts doesn't reveal/show anything about me being labeled as good/bad - but an awesome opportunity for myself to see how I can really get to know my strengths/weaknesses -from the perspective of correcting that which I have trouble to not react that which my world/reality is reflecting back at myself an awesome chance/opportunity to not be swayed, no matter what, and if I do, another chance/opportunity to investigate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only change myself when/as my world/reality would reflect something that which I have carried a certain energetic charge - and within this would change myself and my expression towards those in my outer-reality dependent on fear - dependent on something that which I would change myself if my world/reality would reflect something I have projected as bad/wrong/negative. I now see, realize and understand that I can never trust myself to change for real if I am basing when/as to change when something I have projected outside myself is bad/wrong/negative so thus I commit myself to even change myself and call it change when it only ever involved the starting-point of fear that was actually from the starting-point to not face myself and instead I furthermore commit myself to really get to know myself to in fact change based on my own self-will and not the reactions that I have carried weight within/as my immediate world/reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that people within/as my world/reality have the power over me to react accordingly because of past experiences/memories I have had that if I didn't then I would completely have the power to change myself, not fear - and because of this would thus think and believe that if I did actually give my power back to myself that I would no longer have anywhere to hide - and within this would thus create an automatic reaction of FEAR of those in my outer-reality to remain my master because of how I have linked/connected those in my outer-reality as those that have complete power of myself and how I even choose to live my life - not seeing, realizing or understanding that it is myself that I am going to have to live with, not those in my outer-reality that which I give power over me. I now see, realize and understand that dependent on when change would show within/as my world/reality I would react accordingly - instead of acting accordingly in this one life that I have the chance/opportunity to change myself - when all the while all that which I was changing was my expression to do everything in my power to remain living in fear. I commit myself to, when I am living in complete petrification of fear, to always make sure that I remain here, stable, breathing - expressing me as who I am - not taking on a automation system to survive in this world/reality to forevermore remain a character/enhancing certain aspects of myself because I fear changing myself for real - thus I instead within moments in where I see that I am changing myself based on fear - to stop and breathe - bring myself back to here and express myself as who I actually am and within that I furthermore commit myself to get to know know for what I am actually capable of living here in this one life - not form an idea/belief/perception of change according to what my family is throwing back at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can continue living my life being so scared of change - believing that I must conform to how my immediate world/reality want/desire me to do here in this life - and within this would thus only change myself due to the characterization that I have chose to live, only it was never me making the choice to live, not really. I commit myself to, when and as I see that I am choosing to live my life based on the conformity that I was taught all throughout my life - to stop and breathe - realize that I am accessing judgments/definitions/beliefs/ideas within my mind that is based on the Sins of the Fathers - and within this this stop myself from acting according to my beliefs/ideas/perceptions/judgments/definitions and instead always express myself here, getting to what I am actually capable of living here in this one life - not according to my judgments on how I am suppose to live my life - since I can see that I am limiting/preventing myself from actually getting to know myself - as well as no longer living my life based on those in my immediate world/reality.

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Day 76: OMG, I'm a Cult Member!

So - I have been allowing one mental-breakdown, after another - because I am experiencing the family point as something that has taken the Life right out of me. Because I experiece myself as, 'having to deal with my family's reactions' (including myself) to the point that everything becomes quite extensive. Then when/as I will start accumulating self-discipline – more and more – I will face a continous amount of abuse coming from my family that I just experience myself as not being able to handle everything that is coming up.

Then when/as I will start accumulating self-discipline – more and more – I will face a continous amount of abuse coming from my family that I just experience myself as not being able to handle everything that is coming up. Then afterwards, when the abuse keeps coming up, I experience myself as, 'just wanting to die.' So, I have been having quite a lot of complete despair accumulate since I have decided to walk this process. I have been facing quite a lot of points from my family (My Mom in particular) to the point that I think/believe that there is absolutely nothing I can do this point for everything to be easier for myself. And when people ask me questions about why I am not assisting/supporting myself regardless of facing these points – I react in anger/frustration/annoyance because I think, “Well, you have no idea what you're talking about because you don't have to face your family 24/7.”

Now – this proves how I am actually holding the family point as a scapegoat to not simply walk what must be walked – because this family point is becoming quite extensive to the point that I experience myself as having to deal with my family's reactions.

This point has opened up soon after I had joined the Desteni Forum – to decide to shave my hair off. Who knew that being a baldie could be such a HUGE deal? I actually find this point quite annoying (LOL) because I continously have to face this action as a consequence due to those in my outer-reality. Mostly – I react in annoyance because I am completely fine with the point and I see it as something I simply had done – thus I shouldn't have to pay for an action that means little to myself.

You can read a bit about what happen in relation to this point here: http://forum.desteni.org/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=568

Waaaaaaaaaaay back in July of 2011!

Anywho – I have realized that this point of cutting my hair off had became quite a big deal to those in my outer-reality – soon after my Mom kicked me out of the house. So, it probably wasn't the best thing to do, because my family is quite religious – also let me be clear that this action had nothing to do with rebelling against my religious family – but, I was so excited for everyone to realize what I hav realized. So – this little action led my family having one impression of Desteni – and that was me being a baldie – lol.

During this time I was trying to get the Desteni Sponsorship that had certain guidelines – but the whole being a badie thing didn't make it very easy – lol. So – this wasn't exactly what has developed the despair within and as myself – but continously lie to others to make them feel better.

I remember one time I actually wanted my Mom to send me to a mental-hospital because they thought I was going insane – but I actually wanted to go because I absolutely hated living with them.

So – it's fascinating how I have assumed that I must compromise/abuse/sabotage myself in the process when/as all these family points keep coming up – because at the end of the day it's nothing personal to myself – but the person that seeing something within and as themselves that they don't want to see in me. As for myself – I was too busy making excuses/justifications that I am a victim and have absolutely no power to face my family and remain completely stable.

Soooooo – I will continue writing this point out. And focus on my writing character blogs later because this is quite an extensive point for myself.

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DAY 75: To the Best of My Ability

~Picture of me sitting at my computer, writing out points that I am not integrating to the best of my ability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought as image of me sitting at my computer, writing out points that I am not integrating to the best of my ability - to exist within and as myself, wherein I will in the moment actually purposely/deliberately write myself out from the starting-point of not integrating the writing as an actual self-realization, because I will during the moment I am writing and before hand I am about to write myself out, a little voice will pop up telling me that I am being dishonest and need to STOP, take a look at my starting-point and MOVE MYSELF, for real, in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to purposely/deliberately shove aside the voice of reason - to look inside myself in terms of common-sense - where I will accept and allow myself to shove aside support from to take a step back and look at my starting point - without practically looking at why/how I am shoving aside common-sense in the first place - to no longer remain writing within and as a starting-point of self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able or worthy within and as writing myself to freedom to the best of my ability - wherein I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must write a certain way in order to get my point across - not seeing/realizing/understanding that as I am wanting/desiring to get my point across I end of somewhere in my mind, trying/attaining/attempting to reach this idea/belief about how incompetent/less than I am to never be able to possibly assist/support in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I MUST get a point across to someone or something outside myself within and as writing for people to be able to understand what I am pointing out in the first place - wherein I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I MUST continuously find a magnificent point for someone to be able to understand what I am point out - not seeing/realizing/understanding that the point is here and there is nobody to prove myself to, in the first place - because all is HERE, and thus I allow myself to LIVE this to my fullest potential, NOT squandering each opportunity after another because I believe that I am not worthy or not able to even realize that everything is here in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume and perceive that I am too incompetent/less than to actually realize that everything is here, and thus there is nothing to point out in the first place - because I have lived my entire Life, assuming/perceiving that I am too something to actually LIVE to my fullest potential, and thus writing has become the exact same matter for myself - not seeing/realizing/understanding that one doesn't have to be something in order to apparently deserve realizing that everything is here, because that would just be a contradiction to what Equality & Oneness in fact means.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I since I am apparently something like being incompetent/less than, then I cannot realize how to LIVE to my fullest potential, like integrating the words that I am writing to my fullest potential - because I have mind-projected certain characteristics as deserving or non-deserving of actually being free to LIVE - not seeing/realizing/understanding that this is a confirmation how I have a limited perception about what freedom in fact means.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mind-project certain assumptions about certain characteristics and within this give them certain values and definitions, that which would give someone a polarity mind-fuck of good/bad rewards that the person would acquire within and as their particular characteristic - not seeing/realizing/understanding the key word here, CHARACTER, thus - I now see, realize and understand that if I continue mind-projecting assumptions about what people will deserve, then I will spend my Life never in fact integrating anything remotely to my utmost potential - because at the end of the day it will be about which character would win/lose in the Game of Life - to continuously live a life full of survival and competition that was only about moving from one polarity to another.

When/as/if the thought as image of me sitting at my computer, writing out points that I am not integrating to the best of my ability -- I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back HERE - I realize that I am purposely/deliberately setting myself up to never in fact integrate the words as an actual practical-living solution, because I was too busy shoving the voice of reason telling me to take a step back and re-look at my starting-point - I commit myself to indeed stop, take a deep breath, and MOVE MYSELF, because I allow myself to SLOW DOWN - to not squander what is real and tangible to walk the talk.

When/as/if I believe that I am not able or worthy within and as writing myself to freedom -- I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back HERE - I realize that the key word here is FREEDOM, that which is including everyone here within and as this world/reality, including myself, to no longer squander a perfect structure that is writing because of belittling myself - I commit myself to become humble, and realize that everyONE here in this world/reality is one and equal, and thus writing is the same matter.

To Be Continued...

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• 168. Thoughts as Self-Created Resistance (marlenvargasdelrazo.wordpress.com)
• The Accumulation of Moments Squandered - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 147 (anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress.com)
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DAY 74: Comparing Myself to Death

Death found an author writing his life.. Designed & done on stone by E. Hull. Printed by C. Hullmandel. London, Dec. 1827. ihm.nlm.nih.gov/luna/servlet/detail/NLMNLM~1~1~101393235~... read 'Death's Ramble' - a poem by Thomas Hood that these images were drawn for or inspired by www.gutenberg.org/files/15652/15652-h/15652-h.htm#poem_99 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

~Picture of me sitting at the computer, comparing myself to all the other Destonian's writings.

Oh boy, now this image of me sitting on the computer, comparing myself to all the other Destonian's writings I find much resistance writing out, because I in actuality have self-created this point to be something I must be embarrassed about in relation to this particular point. I have never been much of a writer throughout my life, and so I have a lot of confusion about how I am 'suppose' to write. And I can definitely see how I must in essence stop creating all these mixed up perceptions about how I am suppose to write – because really, writing myself out from the starting-point of comparing myself to others writing because I don't know how to write or knew how to write from the get go is pure self-sabotage as self-judgment. Because yes, I have never gathered the tools to write myself out throughout my time in school – but, I am more then able to create my own language to no longer assume/perceive that I must constantly assess other people's writings to see if my structure is good/bad – so I allow myself to simply focus on who I am witihin and as writing to no longer play out unnecessary mind-fucks for myself. So – this definitely ties into why/how I am not living my words at the moment – because I am CONsuming myself by/through the starting-point to reach this place that is apparently acceptable within and as writing and so I have actually bought into the CONsumption to what words have become – knowledge and information to finally reach some solution that will lead to the satisfaction that is only in the end another character/personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing because of the embarrassment I have self-created in relation to comparing myself to other Destonian's writings because I am quite certain that it was irrelevant in the first place, or that I would end up in a time-loop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base who I am within and as writing on comparison to how others are doing, thus never allowing myself to investigate the points that which I knew were bullshit in the first place - but would instead react in embarrassment about who I am within and as writing, but could instead IN-VEST-I-GATE that which I have projected so much resistance to not investigate in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide I am must compare myself to others in relation to writings before I have even understood the gift that is writing, and to thus then react in embarrassment about what I have become in relation to writing because of already believing that I am incompetent within and as writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately/purposely place myself as incompetent within and as writing where I would end up continuously comparing myself to other Destonian's writings to give myself certain values and definitions, but to instead investigate the part that knew that it was all bullshit in the end and thus investigate who I am/could be to no longer react in embarrassment about who I am/have become to in fact LIVE what I am writing out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have secret mind-projections of how i want my writing to be presented as, and when those mind-projections of how I want myself to write meet my mind reality, I react in embarrassment that I should've listened to the voice that called it bullshit in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately/purposely place myself on this pedestal within and as writing - because I am assessing my writing to everyone's else's to see if mine is somehow good/bad, thus giving my power away as being the self-directive principle of my world/reality within and as writing, as I've allowed words to become my worst enemy without realizing that it is I the Creator of my world/reality that allowed myself to become my worst enemy to who I am within and as words to ensure that I remain the same, thus not seeing/realizing/understanding that it is until the I to in fact no longer squander the chance/opportunity that is writing, that I can in fact see the I's to no longer remain a characterization built up to purposely/deliberately break myself down to time-loop over and over, until I am eventually dead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within using/abusing words, accept and allow the inevitable self-abuse, as I am in fact manipulating myself to continuously rely on someone else's words as a reference point, thus not seeing/realizing/understanding that it is I the Creator that can only in the end see who I am within and as my words to stand as my reference-point, within realizing that I am the words I speak - because the words I speak are one and equal as myself, thus giving myself the full self-responsibility that is living our words here in this one life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish who I am/could be within and as writings due to a constant comparison to my writings being acceptable in the I's of my mind which I believed would assist/support myself to finally write myself out, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the cross-referencing of other's writings somehow be the true answer to write myself out to give me the satisfaction that is my acceptance masked into/as how I am projecting my words in the moment to be good/bad, as I only was furthering myself to remain within and as separation in relation to words to continuously compromise/abuse/sabotage who I am/could be within writing, not realizing that the key to finally assisting/supporting myself was in fact mySELF to allow myself to truly LIVE.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to be the self-directive principle of my life, as I was only focusing on what I wasn't doing within and as writing and only placing myself in comparison in the end to assume/perceive that I am assisting/supporting myself - not seeing/realizing and understanding that it is the I's of myself that create characterization within and as me; to be/become a character to never see the I that could in fact see - as this is which is best for all -  anything less than deliberately/purposely not seeing the I's of myself is crazy, as I am actually limiting/enslaving myself to give myself the acceptance that only existed on a mind-energy level.

I commit myself to never accept anything less than who I can actually truly LIVE by/through actually writing myself to freedom - thus I do not allow myself to compare my writings to other Destonian's because of the mind-projections I have self-created within and as my mind, but set myself free through ending the enslavement that I have allowed as my mind to in fact actually write, that which is real and tangible.

I commit myself to - when/as/if an image of me sitting on the computer, comparing myself to all the other Destonian's writings -- I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back HERE, as I now see, realize and understand that I was trying/attaining/attempting to give myself certain values and definitions within and as writing based on the mind-assessment I would gather from other Destonian's writings.

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DAY 73: Less Is More

~Picture of me writing out looooooong points with a frown on my face, jumping from one point to another.
~Picture of me writing out shooooort points with a frown on my face.
~Picture of me sitting at the computer, comparing myself to all the other Destonian's writings
~Picture of me sitting at my computer, writing out points that I am not integrating to the best of my ability.
~Picture of me looking at my writing with a frown on my face.
~Picture of me looking at my writing with a frown on my face, when I am finished for the day.
~Picture of me falling asleep in the middle of writing.

~Picture of me writing out shooooort points with a frown on my face.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to fully consider and realize that an image of me writing out shooooort points with a frown on my face is only my mind - thus I realize that there are no shooooort points or loooong points - but what is in fact here in each and every moment, in each and every breath, that which will not lead to an inevitable character of compromise/abuse/sabotage - instead - I recreate myself here in each myself to no longer purposely/deliberately lose a perfect chance/opportunity to see who I am, within and as writing myself to freedom, for real, in fact.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought as image of me writing out shooooort points with a frown on my face, to exist within and as me - especially and specifically in relation to trying/attaining to utilize this thought as the perfect scapegoat for myself to no longer write myself out, and thus manipulating myself that I might as well give up because I have projected writing shoooooort points as myself being/becoming lazy/undisciplined.

Within this - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow an image within and as my mind signify that I am apparently lazy/undisciplined, wherein I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of what makes or breaks someone to be lazy/undisciplined - and thus due to holding onto these memories I created/generated an experience of self-judgment when/as I am writing myself out, thus refusing to see/realize/understand that the experience of self-judgment is not in actuality a solution, but the fact that I am manipulating myself within and as self-judgment because I've no matter if my writing was long or short, I was defining from something outside myself
- as I now see, realize and understand that no matter the quantity of my writing, I focus on the quality of who I am within and as writing - to in fact integrate my realizations to actually walk the talk - to no longer squander a chance/opportunity to re-create myself here in this one life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist writing myself to freedom because I have convoluted writing into/as a point of either writing loooooong points or shooooort points - and thus within this would miss the actual chance/opportunity it is to write myself out, in the first place - not seeing/realizing/understanding that it is quite a chance/opportunity to even have the choice/decision to write myself out or not - to actually judge myself within and as my writing or not - because I have allowed writing myself out became self-sabotage - a point that which I found only self-judgment in, I have used to diminish me, I have NOT used to actually assist/support, I have NOT used to integrate the knowledge/information to in fact be/become a realization to walk my talk - as I now see, realize and understand how I talked myself into/as my mind to not simply see writing as it is, and thus actually LIVE what writing should actually be HERE within and as this world/reality - to in fact walk the talk - to create a platform of writing that doesn't involve self-judgment, in that to LIVE for REAL - to create a solution by/through writing myself to freedom, that which will actually bring about true freedom, True Freedom that involves All as One as Equal.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to self-honestly admit to myself that being self-judging the picture-presentation of my writing being categorized as short/long because the starting point within all that I ever written was never FOR self, and thus I would place my writings into boxes for myself to never in fact stand, as it was never writing myself to freedom to begin with, but was based on separation from the whole within my starting-point to not LIVE self-honesty - as I now see, realize and understand that it's not about what I am NOT Living, but what I am currently living as, because anyone can spend their lives living for an immense amount of years and never realize the chance/opportunity it is to not give into/as self-judgment - because I've allowed my entire Life to be filled within/as placing myself into boxes that only revolved around limitation/enslavement - not seeing/realizing/understanding that this was just another judgment that I used/abused to squander my chance/opportunity to in fact LIVE.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to self-honestly face the extent to which I have limited/enslaved myself to place myself in boxes, that only ever involved seeing any door of opportunity to see something that I must mind-project to place into/as categories, wherein I had taken writing as an energetic game for my ego so that I would not have to face myself within and as writing, for real, believing that I could continuously live out writing as knowledge/information - yet, the knowledge/information never in fact was living in the first place to live out, as I was not actuality valuing nor caring about or for myself in anyway, but instead only remained squandering each door of opportunity, such as writing - to in fact live for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stepping out of character within and as writing, because then I would have to trust myself that I would UN-MASK the characters that exist within and as me, and that I would stand up until Life has in fact assisted/supported ALL life-forms here in this physical reality - thus I forgive myself that I instead talked myself into believing that I would be okay to remain placing my writings into/as categories - to furthermore remain judging myself, as I saw clearly that if I in fact wrote myself to freedom, no matter what, there would be absolutely nowhere to hide, no more self-judgment to hide behind - because I would in fact see who I have and have become to see how I have suppressed/covered up from self-judgment to live in self-judgment for the rest of my life - to in fact realize how I have allowed myself to hide behind words that is writing when/as I finally learned how to give certain words values and definitions - to not see how I am squandering the chance/opportunity that is purifying words here in this one Life.

I commit myself to when/as/if this thought as image of me writing out shooooort points with a frown on my face -- I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back HERE to in fact ensure that I realize in fact that writing that is long/short has absolutely no value - because I allow myself to see WHO I AM within and as writing - to in fact LIVE - I allow myself to when/as I am writing to take it slow - to take into consideration what is real and tangible for me to walk within and as this world/reality - without the interference that is self-judgment - but simply take each word that is typed integrated within and as me to bring about a self-realization that I will allow me to in fact walk the talk here in this one life - to re-create myself within and as writing for real, in fact.

I commit myself to when/as/if this thought as image of me writing out shooooort points with a frown on my face -- I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back HERE, as I now see, realize and understand that writing has been a mind-projection game, wherein I over-analyze my words to the extent that I place myself into/as categories of being disciplined/lazy by/through the length of the words that I am writing out - I allow myself to be and become humble - without the interference of self-judgment - but simply understand that I AM HERE to gift myself within and as writing - to no longer judge myself based on what I am not or who I am currently living here as, creating myself for real, that which is best for this REALity.

To Be Continued...