This is a continuation to Day 56: The Me I Never Knew ExistedI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try/attain/attempt to search for a ME that felt real/honest/authentic within and as myself because I have always molded/shaped myself over a thorough period of time to self-create this idea/belief/perception/assumption that this ME can be/only ever be found outside myself, within this I'm self-creating more separation by/through self-creating this idea/belief/perception/assumption to the point that I waste/wait/postpone my life/process because of a mere idea/belief/perception/assumption that this ME will finally make me finally experience myself as real/authentic/honest, within this I didn't realize for myself that I was actually searching/finding/reaching outward for a ME that was only another personality/character to not understand/realize/investigate how/why I've allowed myself to not see the key point of polarity that is actually happening here, I am wasting/waiting/postponing my life/process/myself to experience myself as real/authentic/honest to not realize that I am in actuality hiding from/suppressing the point that I am not willing to see how I am in actuality experiencing myself as fake/misleading/dishonest to the point that I will self-create these ME's to make the self-interest more bearable for my morality, therefore - I now see, realize and understand that I am merely playing a polarity game that inevitably leads to fuck up because continuously trying/attaining/attempting to experience myself as real/authentic/honest was only another character/personality to not will myself to understand/realize/investigate how/why I am continuously looking for ME's to not see the ME that has been here/always been here, I've allowed myself to reach for/find/search for a ME that was a separate personality/character outside myself to not simply see within and as self-honesty who I am/have become throughout my life to slowly but surely get to the nitty gritty of how/why I've separated/divided myself so much from life/myself to the extent that I would purposely/deliberately self-create ME's that were in actuality ME's existed outside myself to not will myself to look within and as the real ME that has been here/always been here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe and perceive that myself molding/shaping characters that I am presenting in the moment will make my self-interested cycle more bearable for my precious morality, within this I am not understanding/realizing/investigating how/why I am allowing myself to compromise/sabotage my life/process to the extent that I will self-create this idea/belief/perception/assumption that being/becoming full of morality by/through continuously looking/searching/reaching out for a ME will make everything peachy to not realize that I am in actuality not in anyway moral within and as myself at the moment because the mere point/fact of reaching out/searching/finding a personality/character to deliberately/purposely is a mere confirmation of how we as human beings haven't allowed ourselves to understand/realize/investigate that we will do everything in our delusional power to save our asses to literally remain having out heads up our ass (mind you) to continuously not simply realize in common-sense that we have to take self-responsibility for ourselves/each-other/life to actually be/become moral beings that stand up for life, no matter what, I mean, this is what our current life is consisted of: Searching/finding/reach out for a ME that will make ourselves feel better about what we currently are/have become/have always been, Searching/finding/reaching out for another person that will make you feel better about the ME (character/personality) you generally choose to be to make you feel better about yourself to continuously feel validated/recognized/accepted in some bizarre fucked up way, Searching, finding, reaching out for some shit to consume over and over again to not simply see within and as ourselves, no self-judgment or self-diminishment needed, I now see, realize and understand that my entire life/process has been spent to purposely/deliberately not see within and as myself, wherein in actuality me entire life I was searching/finding/reaching out for a ME that would ease my self-interest, which is quite strange how I've allowed myself to go out of my way to not see myself to see something that I wanted/desired to be me to not actually see within and as myself from the get go, therefore, I allow myself to be/become humble completely/absolutely/specifically because continuously trying/attaining/attempting to ease my self-interest is pointless/meaningless because this process is not about ME, but everyone and the ME that is here/has always been here; yet, the ME I have decided/chosen to be throughout my life/process is one and equal to/towards myself because I allow myself to be/become brutal and/or gentle at the same time, Gentle Brutality, to not allow myself to continuously search/look/reach out for a ME that never actually existed in the first place/can never exist in the place because it only existed within and as my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to knowingly/purposely/deliberately participated/experienced myself as fake/misleading/dishonest to not will myself to see within and as self-honest how/why I've allowed myself to be/become fake/misleading/dishonest to the extent that I would trying/attain/attempt to find/search/reach out for a ME that never existed/can never be able to exist in the first place, because I would have to look at the ME that has been here/has always been here and I know within and as myself that the ME that has/is here/has always been here is not a pretty picture in anyway, and so I've allowed myself to move around from one energy point to another to deliberately/purposely self-create this idea/belief/perception/assumption that I am actually moving myself within and as my world/reality, wherein I was only doing everything in my delusional power to not see the ME that has been here/always been here, because the ME that is here/has always been here is not an separate entity from myself, therefore, I am always in every moment of every breath here to see within and as myself, and so this is another confirmation that we always know what the heck what were doing, only wanting to see within and as ourselves in our daily-lives is a whole another story to dis-cover within and as myself, I now see, realize and understand that the me that I've been trying/attaining/attempting to find was never actually ME, therefore, I was actually from the get go wasting/waiting/postponing time, because how can I not see what is always revealed/shown in every moment of every breath?! Lol
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self-create this idea/belief/assumption/perception that the ME I've been searching/finding/reach out for was in actuality ME, as in something that could be real/authentic/honest, wherein I was only in the end trying/attaining/attempting to lose myself more and more, from the perspective of veiling myself within and as the characters/personalities that I would deliberately/purposely/knowingly find/search/reach out for, making sure that I won't see within and as myself in a moment/breath/chance/opportunity that is always here/has always been here, therefore, when/as I am trying/attaining/attempting to find/search/reach out for a ME that makes the process of dishonesty/self-interest mote bearable I was in actuality molding/shaping myself more and more further away from this physical reality to make sure I will never be able to see within and as myself, I was in actuality screwing within and as myself because I in actuality didn't give a damn about being/becoming a moral being, from there perspective of actually living realness/authenticity/honesty in practical- physical application to create solutions that will in the end allow me to make sure that I "find" myself, sort of speak, from the perspective of not allowing myself to lose myself knowingly/purposely/deliberately so I don't have to find myself within and as realizing/understanding/investigate how/why I've allowed myself to do everything in my power to not simply be/become a moral being, from the perspective of actually giving a fuck about life, and even then I am still a loooooooooongggg way to go ( and much longer), therefore, I now see, realize and understand that if/when I continuously see myself looking/searching/reaching out for a ME, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that I was never actually searching/finding/reaching out for ME, because I am here/have always been here, and so I was only trying/attaining/attempting to search/find/reach out for another personality/character to call ME to never see within and as the ME that encompasses all the ME's in Oneness & Equality.
To Be Continued...
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