I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suddenly/out of nowhere participate and experience myself as self-conscious/self-aware of who I am/have become in the moment/breath/chance/opportunity that I lose/not realizing that actual opportunity that is here for myself to investigate within and as the moment I am being/becoming self-conscious as a cool self-supportive tool for myself to understand who I am/have become in the moment to in-fact correct the point in practical-application - within this I allow myself to participate/limit/enslave/experience myself to merely an idea/belief about who I am/which character I should/shouldn't present in the moment to separate myself from what is practical for myself to correct in the moment - therefore - I've mind-projected being/becoming self-conscious as this huge mind-fuck, wherein I must continuously mold/shape who I am/which character I am presenting in the moment to an idea/belief about who I am/which character I should/shouldn't present in the moment - I allowed myself to not take the initiative within and as myself that being/becoming self-conscious has always been from the starting-point of FEAR to not see, realize and understand that being/becoming self-conscious can be a key tool for myself to play with, I mean, taking the initiative within and as myself to stop my thoughts had taken to a certain degree being/becoming self-conscious/self-aware to in-fact stopping the programs compounding/perpetuating/fueling/powering within and as myself, to no longer be/become mind-possessed by/through systems running on autopilot within and as my conscious-mind - I now see, realize and understand that continuing using/abusing self-consciousness/self-awareness will never be able to give myself the validation/recognition/acceptance I seek/search for, because in the end I was only trying/attaining/attempting to see/search for the validation/recognition to find myself somehow within and as the validation/recognition/acceptance - within this I do NOT accept or allow myself to continuously seek/search for validation/recognition/acceptance, because I was trying/attaining/attempting to find myself within and as all the feedback that I would be given, that somehow within and as all the validation/recognition/acceptance I could somehow find/search/seek for the me that actually felt real in some way, wherein the validation/recognition/acceptance would be what I use/abuse to make myself experience myself a certain way to no longer remain searching/finding/seeking some ME that didn't exist in the first place/never will be able to exist in the first place.
When and as I see myself suddenly/out of nowhere participating and experiencing myself as self-conscious/self-aware of who I am/have become in the moment/breath/chance/opportunity that I lost/not realizing that I am perfectly capable to assist/support myself to investigate the in's and out's on how I can utilize self-consciousness/self-awareness as a cool self-supportive tool for myself to ground myself here within and as this physical reality - therefore - I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that being/becoming self-conscious doesn't mean I have to judge/diminish who I am/have become in a moment to not apply myself in another to in-fact realize that just because I've allowed my unconscious mind-attachments to/towards certain points, doesn't in any shape/form imply I must be/become freaked out to ever consider/take into consideration utilizing who I am/have become in a moment.
When and as I see myself participating/experiencing/limiting/enslaving myself to a mere idea/belief about who I am/which character I should/shouldn't present in the moment - I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here - I now see, realize and understand that I merely trying/attaining/attempting to survive within and as this world-system to find/search some ME that will make everything a bit bearable for myself to no longer continuously search/seek for some validation/recognition/acceptance I could not find/will never be able to find.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when/as I am trying/attaining/attempting to search/find/seek some ME that felt real/honest/authentic in some way, I was in actuality screwing within and as myself because I in actuality self-created this ME as a separate personality that MUST somehow be found outside myself - within this I would continuously seek/search/find some validation/recognition, and when I found some validation/recognition that apparently "resonated within and as myself" I would only be satisfied for a short-while because it was always/has always been from the starting-point of this idea/belief of this ME that didn't exist in the first place/never will be able to exist in the first place, therefore, I would continuously move around from one energy point to another until I would feel defeated/victimized, and so I would wait/waste/postpone my life away more so because I would make my entire life/process to be at this stand-still for not searching/seeking/finding the ME that didn't exist/never will be able to exist in the first place - to finally slowly but surely taking self-responsibility that this ME was only a character/personality to continuously spend my life/process walking around like some freaking leech that lived my entire life based on this one point of getting that validation/recognition/acceptance that actually "felt right" - I allowed myself to continuously spend my life trying/attaining/attempting to get some validation/recognition/acceptance, from the perspective that it always "felt wrong" because I wasn't in the end getting the long hall of validation/recognition/acceptance that would make the part of myself completely always unsatisfied to go away - I now see, realize and understand that continuing living my life based on searching/seeking/finding a ME that "resonates within and as myself" is complete bullshit, because I was only in the end remaining at the same stand-still, I've always been at this stand-still - only I just realized this point because I was too busy experiencing and participating in defeat/victimization when/as I didn't get the apparent validation/recognition/acceptance I was looking for in the end, so - in the end I was looking for something that all of us spend our lives searching for: Ourselves, I do NOT accept or allow myself to continuously play the character game over and over and over again, I in-fact stop myself to continuously bullshit myself to finding/searching/seeking for some ME that was only an idea/belief of who I should/shouldn't, MORE CHARACTERS!!!!!!!
To Be Continued...
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