This is a continuation
Day 57: Searching For Myself, Back Later. Leave a Msg
I
forgive myself that I have
accepted
and allowed myself to lie relentlessly, purposely/deliberately for
myself to never actually realize/understand/investigate how/why I have
done everything in my
delusional power to find myself, wherein I wasn't
"finding myself" because I knew the whole
time that I am
here/have
always been here to the point that I would do everything in my power to
veil/mold/shape myself by/through placing/projecting
hope/faith that I will within and as the dimensions of my
mind not
see who I am/have become to not look within and as self-
honesty to understand/investigate/realize that "who I am" doesn't need to be
judged/diminished
to the point that I experience/participate in guilt/shame for "who I
am," wherein I am only further compounding/perpetuating/powering/fueling
how/why I've done everything in my power to continuously self-create
more characters/personalities to identity/separate/
divide within and as myself to not get to the nitty gritty of actually walking this
process/life
in complete humbleness, because at the moment I am not/have been
walking nothing for I've allowed myself to hide/suppress "who I am,"
by/through looking/searching/reach out for a ME/character/personality to
not simply face myself, absolutely and specifically, because looking at
everyone within and as this world/reality, we can say with an
absolutely certainty that all we are/have become/have always been,
was/is just another character/personality to make sure that we never
face ourselves, I mean, our entire lives is completely ENTER-TAMED
purposely/deliberately to never actually look/search/reach out within
and as ourselves to actually understand/investigate/realize how we have
limited/enslaved ourselves to ourselves/life/process/existence for
absolutely nothing in the end, because our entire life/process was a
race to what ME/character/personality would do their best to
continuously win/compete to always look/search/reach out for the
characters/personalities/Me's that seem to manage this world-system in
apparent success to allow the game of survival to always continue for
generations upon generations to allow the game of life to be/become
nothing more and nothing less than the pursuit of happiness to
find/search/reach out for the most effective Multiple Personality
Disorder that will allow ourselves to always feel good about how much we
did/didn't do to see ourselves within and as ourselves in complete
self-honesty, I now see, realize and understand that life/process
has/has always been a race/
competition/game
to gain/strive for the price//prize of what all of us should
want/desire in ourselves lives to feel about ourselves at the end of the
day, because this apparent success made up of various
things/parts/aspects is just something outside myself that I have
mind-projected
about based on society's general values and definitions about what we
should/shouldn't want/desire in our lives, and so we do everything in
our power to live this idea/belief/
assumption/perception
about what life/process should/shouldn't be, within this if were not
playing the game of gaining/striving for something that society
wants/desires us to apparently be/become, then we will inevitably play
against the ground of salt, sort of
speak, and rebel against this world-system, in the end not actually
solving anything in this world/reality, therefore, the game of playing out ME's/personalities/characters continues to happen.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
purposely/deliberately search/find/reach out for
ME's/characters/personalities to make myself feel all giddy/happy to
cover up/suppress the complete
regret/shame
I experience/participate in, it is always subtly there as I am playing
the same of life to be/become nothing more and nothing less a psychopath
with serious Multiple Personality issues to do absolutely everything in
my own delusional power to not continuously simply look at myself/this
world-reality within and as self-honesty to
understand/investigate/realize that in the end all what were doing/have
been doing is looking at the
positive
to make ourselves feel giddy/happy about all what the
Me's/personalities/characters have done for us to have the special
prize/reward/price in the price of Life to in the end make up for what
we been doing/have been doing to ourselves/each other/this world-system
somehow be/become acceptable/excuseable/justifiable, and if were not
doing that were experiencing/participating in depression because were
actually I am/were actually reacting to the shame/regret to
place/project ourselves as this
victim,
wherein were actually doing the exact same thing as those/us/myself in
complete giddiness/happiness to have morality in the end, to somehow
think/believe/perceive/assume that participating/experiencing in certain
reactions or doing certain physical actions in this world-system will
make a difference, within this we/ourselves/this world-system must
consider/take into consideration that our starting-point is the key to
actually creating a
solution for this world and
reality/ourselves/existence to not continuously participate/experience
ourselves as someone that is apparently doing something to actually
be/become part of the solution, wherein the solution has bee/has always
been ourselves to no longer participate and experience ourselves as a
ME/character/personality to actually create a solution, because it is
the part of ourselves that we do everything in our power to
hide/suppress from has bee/has always been the key to be/become the
change
we want to see within and as this world/ourselves/existence to no
longer play the game of competition and survival to gain/strive for a
reward, because all what were doing in the first place is
trying/attaining/attempting to place/project that the faith/hope into
the apparent reward/prize/price will allow ourselves to become a
redeemable reward/prize/price to not see the price of
life/ourselves/existence/this world/reality, Who really wins in the end?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
think/believe/perceive/assume that all the apparent
rewards/prizes/prices will make a difference for the price of life that
is ourselves/each-other/existence/this world/reality, wherein there is
no mercy in the end, because inevitably one person makes a choice/
decision to play the game of ME's/personalities/characters and another
child
pays the price of the apparent reward/price/prize in the end to spend
their lives wondering when someone will care, that someone will care
enough to stand up within and as this world-system to allow
ourselves/each-other/existence this world/reality an actual
chance/opportunity to allow the nightmare that we call Life to not
continuously relentlessly live/be alive for absolutely nothing in the
end, because what do we actually strive for/gain from? Absolutely
nothing, I now see, realize and understand that if we continue to play
the game of Me's/personalities/characters, then Life will make us, not
from a perspective of Life/us/ourselves/everything wanting/desiring to
make us participate/experience guilt/shame, but to actually look at the
moments/
breaths/chances/opportunities
that we lost in our lives, the moments that we subtly
participated/experienced guilt/shame within and as ourselves, while
playing this game for a prize/reward/price that was always in the name
of Life/us/ourselves/everything, because in the
moments/breaths/opportunities that were lost of
participating/experiencing guilt/shame to what were currently are/have
been/have always been living for was never actually a
breath/chance/opportunity that we have taken/should've taken, no
judgement
needed, to actually in-fact stand up within and as ourselves to
actually be/become a self-honest Earthling that didn't
waste/wait/postpone for life to happen to apparently redeem ourselves
from what prize/reward/price was give in/and always in the name of Life.
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