Okay - so, I just got back from taking my test and I had a mental breakdown - more or less, so, from my looking at everything within and as self-honesty - I can see, realize and understand that it had absolutely nothing to do with expectations - but the continuous idea/belief/perception/assumption that everything is falling apart in my world/reality - in this I understand that even if my entire world does fall apart I cannot do absolutely anything if I am going to react in uselessness, and also myself taking a test isn't the end of the world if I think, believe and perceive that I am going to apparently fail - I mean, what I am seeing within and as myself at this moment is a complete Characterization that everything is just useless and there is absolutely nothing I can (apparently) do to actually stand up because I know within and as myself that uselessness is completely useless, from the perspective that I am merely whining/complaining about everything but I think/believe and perceive that I am dealing with too much and I'm inferior/less than to/towards the situation/people I face, like taking a mere test - in this I can see clearly that I assumed/perceived that I wanted/desired a good grade because I thought/believed that if I did very well on the test that everything within and as myself will be completely better - therefore - I'm making another physical confirmation that I define and give value to/towards what is happening in my outer-reality, and so all this compounded shit gets activated and I just want to cry away my problems to just die, All of this because of some mere test, and it doesn't even matter if I somehow do bad/good on the damn test because I will continuously fuel/power the uselessness charACTer to the point that I do absolutely nothing to change myself - to take my power back to myself and actually stop whining/complaining about everything that I have absolutely no control over, and so I allow myself to take my power back to myself to in-fact be the best I can be in a moment - NOT focusing/concentrating on who I am suppose to be in a moment to actually reach the point of self-change, I now see, realize and understand that I CANNOT define and give value to something like a test and allow it to be a motivational-point within and as energy to compound/perpetuate/fuel/power the uselessness charACTer - I realize that if I continuously live my life into and as someone/something outside myself I will live my life trying/attaining/attempting to find/search ways to NOT apparently be/become uselessness - within this I have NOT considered/take into consideration that my life and myself will always be complete uselessness if I don't self-will myself to motivate myself in every moment to simply be here, no outside sources needed, whatsoever, and so I take my power back to myself to in-fact walk the uselessness charACTer - moment by moment - step by step - breath by breath - I allow myself to in-fact walk this process of Equality & Oneness to STOP playing the pity-party games of uselessness because I cannot change what I face on a daily-basis, and so I allow myself to change who I am/could be in a moment to STOP continuously self-judging myself like crazy to the extent that I just want to completely die.
I forgive that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when/as I saw myself/my world/reality I didn't allow myself to investigate why/how I assumed/perceived that a mere test would change how I experience within and as myself - to try/attempt/attain that if I do very well on the test - then that apparently means that I'm walking process to the best of my ability because my studies are doing well, and so I didn't look within and as myself to see, realize and understand that if I'm giving definitions and values to/towards someone/something outside myself like a test I am leaving backdoors for myself because I am using/abusing my physical reality as a reference point to where I am in my process - only I was completely deviating/manipulating myself into and as the idea/belief/assumption/perception that if I was doing super duper well in school that I was also doing super duper well in my process - therefore - I've deviated/manipulated my self-responsibility to walk this process of Equality & Oneness because I molded/shaped process as some freaking test that I have to pass - within this I was considering/taking into consideration that I completely missed the point of Equality & Oneness because I was doing everything in my delusional power to be/become some freaking winner because when/as there is always a test there is the division/separation of who did and who did that, I now see, realize and understand that I was using/abusing a test as the same manipulation tactic as process because at the end of the day I was ensuring my possession to apparently win something and be/become something within and as a mere test.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe and perceive that there is nothing I can do to stand up because I've allowed the uselessness charACter to exist within and as myself - within this I didn't understand that taking the choice/decision to bring about a standing to be/become the self-directive principle of my Life isn't in anyway about "doing,' but who I am within and as my "doing" throughout my days - therefore - I was trying/attaining/attempting to do everything in my power to remain as the victim to think, believe and perceive that everything is useless for it to be "out of my hands" to not face the truth of myself because I wanted/desired to do everything to not face the fact that that the moment I accept my purpose/Destiny as giving into the uselessness CharACTer, I am in essence giving up on myself/life in every way and so my only purpose/destiny is to remain a pre-programmed robot to only remain in my little mind-bubble to NOT in actuality understand who I am within and as the choice/decision to give into the useless CharACTer, in this I am not living in anyway because I disregarded this physical reality and those that don't have the chance/opportunity to expand themselves in every possible way - to in-fact be/become a being that is worthy of Life to be the self-directed principle - within this I've never considered/taken into consideration those that don't have any purpose/destiny to realize the Desteni of Life - I now see, realize and that I CANNOT keep living my life as though there is nothing that I can do to stand to face the point that standing doesn't require "doing something" because process is here in every moment, and so there is absolutely nothing to be/become, and so I now realize that I MUST walk this process of walking out of my mind and into and as this physical reality because being/becoming the self-directive principle in my placement in this world-system is absolutely no excuse/justification because rather I like it or not, I'm part of the Elite and so I'm equally responsible to take my power back to myself to accept the purpose/Desteni of Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe and perceive that I am dealing with too much to the extent that I compound/fuel/power the point further till I am whining/complaining about everything - within this I assume/perceive that I am inferior/less than to/towards tasks/activities/assignments like taking a test because I look at the results in black and white because I knew within and as myself that if I deliberately/purposely deviate/manipulate my self-responsibility I will be able to cleverly make excuses/justifications that make sense in my mind because I am NOT willing to look at the bigger picture - to in-fact understand that I was not looking at everything from a common-sense perspective just because I wanted/desired to remain whining/complaining about myself being/becoming inferior/less than to/towards the tasks/activities/assignments I face throughout my day - in this I would manipulate more to the point that I wouldn't realize for myself that I was in essence trying/attaining/attempting to make/force the tasks/activities/assignments into some sort of confirmation that I am able/not able to take responsibility for all the tasks/activities/assignments I need/require to get done throughout my days - because I would allow myself to deviate/manipulate who I am/could be within and as my process to misconstrue my self-responsibility to accept the purpose/Desteni of Life - to in-fact walk this process to broaden/expand myself as much as possible to NOT allow myself to deviate/manipulate my power away to NOT see into and as what needs/requires to be done for myself to live my life here within and as the moment, and NOT based on uselessness to continuously whine/complain the same sabotage patterns that only lead to ignorance on my part to not in-fact educate myself to NOT allow any backdoors to remain inferior/less than to/towards tasks/activities/assignments and ultimately myself because I am the one that always makes the choice/decision to remain helpless to myself or actually realizing the responsibility and discipline it comes to commit/stand within and as the Desteni of Life.
To Be Continued...
Cool Jessica - thanks for sharing!
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